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[June 20, 1966] First Impressions Can Be Misleading (Doctor Who: The Savages)

June 20, 2021 Jessica Holmes 2 Comments

By Jessica Holmes

Hello again, my friends, and welcome to another summary and review of the latest serial of Doctor Who. After a disappointing last several stories, I’m pleased to say that for the last few weeks Doctor Who has once again been a highlight of Saturday tea-time in my house. Whom do we have to thank for this turnaround? A new face in the writers’ room, Ian Stuart Black. Black’s story is everything Doctor Who should be: smart, exciting, and most importantly it has something to say. Let’s take a look at The Savages.

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten to fill in the episode names. Apparently we aren’t bothering with them any more.

EPISODE ONE

Arriving in an age of 'peace and prosperity', the Doctor promptly wanders off and attracts the attention of some rather grouchy-looking blokes with clubs.

Men in animal skins wielding clubs doesn’t scream ‘peace and prosperity’ to me. Either the Doctor’s wrong about where they are (as happens…often) or things aren’t quite as they seem. Luckily for the Doctor, a couple of soldiers in silly hats find him before he can have his head bashed in. These are Edal and Exorse, and they’ve come to invite the Doctor to their city. The Elders are expecting him.

Off he trots, leaving behind Steven and Dodo, who also run afoul of the 'savages' (their words, not mine). Luckily, Exorse finds them before Steven gets skewered.

In a contrast to the wilderness, the city of the Elders turns out to be an enlightened utopian paradise, all gleaming architecture and fancy clothes. The Elders have been observing the Doctor’s exploits for some time. They are so honoured to meet him they give him some less-than-groovy new threads.

They’re a bit surprised to see Steven and Dodo, but present them with fancy gifts all the same. Steven gets a knife, and Dodo gets… a hand mirror. Enlightened? Pah! They’re sexist!

Girls like to stab people too, you know.

The leader of the Elders (Jano) offers to have Steven and Dodo shown around while he has a chat with the Doctor. The rest of the city is fabulous and luxurious. The Elders control everything here, even the wind and rain. Steven asks what the secret of their success is. One of their guides tells him that their scientists made one simple discovery, but what is that discovery? Everything seems a little too good to be true, doesn’t it?

While they’re off doing that, the soldiers from earlier go on the hunt, much to the horror of the 'savages'. After a tense game of cat-and-mouse, Exorse captures a young woman, Nanina. He uses a gun that fires a beam of light that freezes the victim in place and allows the user to control them. Remember this, it'll be important later.

Jano explains to the Doctor that they’ve found a more efficient way to gain energy to survive. They have found a way to transfer energy directly from one living being to another.

Right after that little revelation, Dodo spots Exorse bringing Nanina into the city. I think you can guess where this is going.

Exorse takes Nanina into a laboratory where another 'savage' is already lying on a table, very weak. Having no further use for him, the scientists in the lab turn him loose, tossing him out into the tunnels leading out of the city.

While Steven begins to ask questions about the city, and getting no straight answers, Dodo sneaks off to explore. She soon gets lost, coming face to face with the zombified 'savage'…

EPISODE TWO

Dodo has nothing to fear from the stranger, as it turns out. He can’t even stand on his own two feet. She helps him up and to the door, where the other 'savages' are waiting for him, but she doesn't get the chance to talk to them. Hearing Nanina's cries a moment later, Dodo sneaks over to the laboratory to investigate.

Though Steven is beside himself with worry, the Doctor assures him that Dodo is more than capable of taking care of herself.

Dodo gets herself captured in the very next scene.

Edal finds her before the scientists can put her under some sort of procedure, and as he leads her away, the scientists release Nanina in a similar state to the man from earlier. It’s becoming increasingly clear that something is very wrong in this city.

Reunited with his companions, the Doctor bids the Elders a polite farewell, seemingly in a sudden hurry to leave the city. Outside the city they come upon the man Dodo encountered earlier, and the Doctor’s suspicions are confirmed. The Elders are kidnapping the 'savages', draining them of their life force, and transferring it into themselves.

The Doctor sends his companions to get medical supplies from the TARDIS. As he begins tending to the poor man, Edal shows up and callously says that this ‘savage’ should be back on his reserve.

The real-world applicability is hard to miss.

The Doctor, angered at the interference, blasts Edal for his lack of humanity. These ‘savages’ are no different from the Elders, designated as subhuman purely for being born into the 'wrong' group.

Steven and Dodo come back to find the poor sick bloke all alone, and start treating him themselves, learning from him that Edal took the Doctor back to the city. They also meet two more of the man's people, wise old Chal and young hot-headed Tor.

In the city, the Doctor clashes with the Elders, demanding that they put an end to their barbaric practice of draining the 'savages'.

It very strongly feels like a metaphor for… well, a myriad of real-world things: wealth disparity, racism, segregation and colonialism. Basically, any scenario where the ruling class are dehumanising and exploiting a whole group of people.

Faced with the Doctor's condemnation, it seems Jano has no choice… but to have the Doctor taken away and drained.

With considerable trepidation at performing the procedure on a 'higher' being, the lead scientist initiates the procedure, remarking in amazement at the amount of vitality they manage to steal from the Doctor within the first few seconds.

And it seems he’s got plenty left to give…

EPISODE THREE

Jano observes as the scientists finish draining the Doctor, and he insists that he be the first to be infused with the Doctor’s vitality. This is the first experiment of its kind, and so he takes it upon himself to take the risk.

Meanwhile, Chal and Tor, the two men Steven and Dodo met earlier, lead them to the caves where the 'savages' live. To Steven and Dodo's surprise, there is a beautiful temple inside the cave. These people's ancestors were great artists before their traditions and way of life were stolen from them. All that remains to them now is their faith. Again, there is clear real-world applicability, particularly with regard to the suffering of colonised peoples around the world, though many don't even get to keep that much.

Outside, Exorse finds Tor. Under threat of being drained, Tor gives away the location of the time travellers. Gee, that was a smart move, especially given that just a scene ago Tor was vehemently against taking the fugitives in for fear of the Elders invading his home.

With Exorse coming for them Steven asks if there’s another way out. Chal leads Steven and Dodo into the passages at the back of the cave as Exorse barges in and starts threatening the inhabitants.

I must say that although I’m not given any other name for these people, I feel strange calling them ‘savages’. ‘Savage’ is a word long used to dehumanise people considered ‘lesser’. To me it feels uncomfortable to still refer to these people with a slur when it’s evident there is nothing ‘lesser’ about them. It would have been a good touch at this point in the narrative to reveal to the audience what these cave people call themselves.

Exorse pursues Steven, Dodo and Chal into the tunnels, and faced with a dead end Steven gets an idea. Using Dodo’s hand-mirror (I suppose it came in handy after all), he reflects the beam from Exorse’s light-gun back at the soldier, freezing him in place. Steven manages to disarm Exorse and leads him back to the cave, where the others are amazed to see that their oppressors can be defeated.

Leaving the others to guard the prisoner, Steven heads back to the city with Chal and Dodo to find the Doctor. They’ve barely even left before Tor tries to kill Exorse, but Nanina stops him and tends to Exorse’s wound, reasoning that vengeance will do them no good.

Jano emerges from the intransference procedure with a dazed look on his face, but assures the scientist that he’s quite all right… in a voice that isn’t his. The scientist doesn’t seem to notice, but Jano appears to have acquired the Doctor’s voice and a bit of his personality. He slips back and forth between his own voice and the Doctor’s, and something clicks into place for me. Doesn’t Jano sound rather similar to Janus, the two-faced Roman god?

Now that’s what I call an aptronym.

I say it’s the Doctor’s voice but I’m fairly sure that Jano’s actor is just doing an impression. It’s a good impression, but it’s a little too nasal to be Hartnell. Still, he’s got the accent and cadence down pat.

Having snuck into the city, Steven and Dodo find the Doctor wandering the access tunnels, though Dodo frets that it seemed too easy to get in. She’s right. It’s a trap.

The door starts closing behind them, but they can’t get the catatonic Doctor out before it shuts and the corridor begins to fill with gas.

In the lab, Jano watches on a scanner as they begin to choke. The Doctor can’t help them now… or can he?

EPISODE FOUR

Episode Four starts off with a stroke of luck as the door unexpectedly opens behind the travellers, allowing Dodo to usher the Doctor out while Steven fires on Edal and the advancing guards.

Edal accuses Jano of opening the door for them, but of course Jano denies it, speaking with the Doctor's voice again.

He leads a contingent of guards out of the city to hunt the fugitives down. On the run, Steven sends the Doctor, Chal and Dodo ahead to the safety of the caves while he stays behind to hold off the pursuers.

The Doctor and Dodo make it to the cave, and just in time, too. Finding herself as Exorse’s only ally, Nanina defends him from Tor with a spear. It’s only with the arrival of Chal that things don’t end up coming to a point.

With the guards advancing, Steven falls back to the cave, where he intends to lie in wait and snipe Jano as he approaches. However, hearing this the Doctor suddenly becomes lucid and warns him not to, and it's not just his sense of pacifism talking. He thinks that Jano might be the ally they need to destroy the lab.

Jano insists on going into the cave alone, ordering the others back to the city. Edal smells something funny about the situation, so he immediately warns the disbelieving Elders that he believes Jano is about to betray them.

As night falls, Jano enters the cave, and the Doctor turns out to be right once again. In absorbing the Doctor’s life essence, Jano got what he wanted: the Doctor’s intellect. However, in the process he got more than he bargained for. He got the Doctor’s conscience. Even better, he has a plan.

A short time later, Jano swans into the lab with his ‘prisoners’ in tow. Miffed at Edal’s attempts to turn the others against him, he has Edal arrested for treason.

The Elders are relieved to see that Jano is apparently still loyal, until Jano orders the lab sealed and exhorts them to destroy it. They’re not keen.

Well, if you want something done properly, you have to do it yourself. Jano and the ‘prisoners’ start smashing equipment with gleeful abandon. As the Doctor says, there is something very satisfying about destroying something evil.

But what now? The old system is no more, but what will replace it? How will these people learn to live together as equals in peace?

The Doctor would be an obvious choice to mediate between the two peoples, but it’s not in his nature to stick around. What a pickle. Where else are they going to find a good, trustworthy person with leadership skills, who can inspire loyalty, and make judgements based on their conscience?

I’ll be honest, my first thought was Nanina, given her willingness to show compassion even to her enemies.

But apparently Peter Purves wants out, so Steven’s the man for the job. Though initially reluctant, after some encouragement from the Doctor, Chal, Jano and even Tor, he agrees to stay.

Dodo bids Steven a tearful farewell, and Jano thanks the Doctor for his help before departing with the others to await Steven in the council chamber. Once alone, the Doctor admits that he’s very proud of Steven, though he does seem in a rush to get him to go. Has he been leaving smelly socks all over the TARDIS or something?

Steven heads off to start his new life, and the Doctor and Dodo depart through the smouldering remains of the laboratory. They don't look back, but Steven does. I'm not sure he really wants to leave.

The Doctor doesn’t seem as bothered about this as any of the other departures. I suppose he’s fine as long as he has a surrogate grandchild.

It’s quite an abrupt exit all the same, and one that wasn’t really set up in the preceding episodes. In Susan’s final serial, she gradually fell in love, so it made sense for her to decide to stay behind in future London. In the case of Ian and Barbara, going back home was their goal all along. Vicki, too, formed a personal connection to Troilus. It wasn't what you'd call a deep or believable connection, but there was an attempt. However, Steven hasn’t made any ties here that would give him a personal reason to want to stay. I suspect that this wasn’t the original ending of the serial, but instead a fairly last-minute change.

Final Thoughts

I’d love a followup to this story some time in the future. Our Steven’s definitely got his work cut out for him. Jano might have come around, but there’s a whole city of people who need convincing, and they’ve become accustomed to a certain level of luxury. Will they accept the liberation of the 'savages' if it comes at the cost of their lifestyle? How are they going to unlearn untold centuries of prejudice, especially when it tangibly benefited them?

To add onto this, though the Elders no longer have their energy-sucking machine, they still have all the weapons, all the advanced technology, and all the wealth. Are they going to share without being forced ? If it comes to that, how would Steven make them do it? Ask nicely?

I’m not saying it’s doomed to failure, but I don’t fancy his odds.

Still, say that Jano manages to convince his people that they need to change their ways and let the ‘savages’ in. What of the other side of the equation? The ‘savages’ have little trust for the Elders, and plenty of anger, and with good reason. I don’t think tensions between the groups would simply vanish overnight.

I’m going to miss having Steven around, and I wish he could have had a few more stories with Dodo, as the two developed a big brother/little sister dynamic which I found quite sweet. With his charm, often sarcastic wit and sometimes flaring temper, he formed the passionate core of the TARDIS team. It’ll be hard to replace him. Plus, it was nice to have a fellow Northerner in the TARDIS.

Wherever Peter Purves ends up, I’m sure it’ll turn out great.

So, there we have it. That was The Savages, and I hope you’ll agree it turned out to be a cracking story. The build-up to the revelation of what the Elders are doing is well-paced and effective, holding my attention. Hot off the heels of that, the twist of Jano unwittingly absorbing the Doctor's conscience put an interesting wrinkle in things, and it was fun to watch to boot. Deep characterisation is not really Doctor Who's strong suit, but there was enough for me to get invested and create interesting clashes of personality.

And of course, I enjoy it when the Doctor gets on his high horse.

I think it would be genuinely fascinating to get a sequel to this story set a few years down the line and see how Steven got on. After all, it’s not enough to just take the boot off your victim’s throat. You have to help them up off the ground.

4.5 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[May 22 1966] O.K.? No Way! (Doctor Who: The Gunfighters)

May 22, 2021 Jessica Holmes 4 Comments

By Jessica Holmes

I love musicals. I love — despite its flaws — this weird little science fiction show: Doctor Who. You’d think if you put the two together you’d end up with something I adore. It didn’t work.

Yes, this is essentially a musical serial– or rather, a serial with musical narration and more than one actual on-screen musical number. It sounds completely bizarre, and that’s because it is.

Rather than the usual incidental music peppering Doctor Who’s serials, this time around the action is interspersed with a ballad written by Tristram Cary and performed by Lynda Baron. Cary has provided music for Doctor Who before, in The Daleks, Marco Polo and The Daleks’ Master Plan. I wish I could say I remembered any of the music in those serials, but I can’t. All the same, I have found that his latest offering has wormed its way into my brain, and I keep catching myself humming the tune… much to my dismay.

This one’s also an alleged historical with more inaccuracies than I can count, so to save us all a lot of time I’ll quickly explain the very basics of what ACTUALLY happened in Tombstone on October 26, 1881.

THE GUNFIGHT NEAR-ISH TO THE O.K. CORRAL

The conflict in Tombstone had been a long time brewing, the result of a long feud between the lawmen of Tombstone and the outlaw Cowboys finally coming to a head. That’s a long story and not really relevant, but it involves exciting things like stagecoach robberies, smuggling, political rivalries, and all that good stuff. What really kicked things off, however, was a drunken argument and a new gun-control law.

The night before the fight, Doc Holliday and Ike Clanton got into an argument, which Town Marshal Virgil Earp put a stop to before things could get out of control. However, Clanton didn’t drop the matter, and threatened both Holliday and the Earp brothers. The town of Tombstone had recently made it illegal to carry a weapon within the town limits (unless you were just passing through), giving Virgil the pretext he needed to pistol-whip and disarm Clanton. Virgil hauled Ike before a judge, who fined him for the offence, and then let him go. Clanton, none too pleased about being disarmed and whacked on the noggin, fetched five of his Cowboy buddies, including his brother Billy and the McLaury brothers.

Having got wind of the Cowboys being in town and apparently armed, Virgil deputised his brothers Morgan and Wyatt. Along with Doc Holliday they went to disarm the outlaws, finding them at an empty lot near the Old Kindersley Corral. It didn’t go well.
It’s not clear who shot first, but when the smoke cleared Billy Clanton and the McLaury brothers lay dead, and the only uninjured man on the opposing side was Wyatt Earp. Ike, for his part, had run from the fight.

In the aftermath, Ike brought charges against the Earps and Holliday for killing his brother, and following an investigation and trial, they were found to have acted within the law.

This is all a massive oversimplification of a very complex situation, but I’ve distilled it as best as I can.

And now for Doctor Who’s version of events.

A HOLIDAY FOR THE DOCTOR

Welcome to Tombstone, Arizona. It’s a nice little frontier town, mostly quiet until today. The notorious Clanton brothers (of which there are three: Ike, Billy and Phineas) have ridden into town to settle a score with Doc Holliday, noted gunfighter, gambler, and… dentist.

My American friends, I am so sorry for what you’re about to endure. Much as I often find American attempts at an English accent to be grating, I have to admit we’re much, much worse at yours. Some of these chaps are overshooting America, crossing the Pacific and landing in Australia.

The Doctor and company arrive and soon make the acquaintance of Town Marshal Vir–sorry, WYATT Earp. Virgil won’t be turning up until much later, sorry.

The Clantons discuss their plans to find Doc Holliday with their associate Seth Harper, but they're overheard by the bar singer, Kate. Kate immediately hurries off to warn her lover, Doc.

Doc, for his part, looks like they’ve tried really hard to make him bear a believable resemblance to the Doctor, despite the fact he was only thirty years old at the time of the fight. Kate and Doc get into a contest over who can overact the clumsily-written dialogue the hardest. That scenery must be really delicious.

I have to give credit where it’s due– the set is large and detailed enough to be believable. It’s even big enough to safely gallop a horse through.

Wyatt introduces the Doctor and company to local Sherriff Bat Masterson, and the Doctor claims that they’re a travelling band of players: Steven ‘Regret’, singer, Miss Dodo Dupont, pianist, and he of course is Doctor Caligari. This bit is quite funny, I’ll give them that.

The Doctor finds Doc canoodling with his lady friend in the back room of his parlour, and is not reassured to learn that he’s Doc’s first customer. Meanwhile, Dodo and Stephen try and fail to blend in with the locals as they swagger over to the saloon. It would help if their outfits weren't more fit for a fancy dress party than the Old West.

However, the Cowboys overhear the young pair talking about the Doctor, and under the mistaken assumption that they’re associates of Doc Holliday, confront the pair.

Stephen and Dodo try to protest, but the Cowboys are having none of it. If they're really musicians, why not entertain everyone with a song?

With a couple of handy hostages at the saloon, Seth waylays the Doctor as he emerges from his appointment looking rather the worse for wear. He extends a cordial invitation for a get-together at the saloon, which after some insistence the Doctor accepts.

Having overheard this, Doc insists that the Doctor take his gun. He’s not being charitable, mind you, he just wants to make sure that the Cowboys mistake the Doctor for him.

Back at the bar, the Cowboys confront Stephen and Dodo, who insist they’re really musicians, nothing to do with Doc Holliday. Well, if that’s so, how about a song?

Dodo mimes along to the player piano quite convincingly as Stephen sings the same ballad that’s been narrating all the goings on. He’s not bad, considering he’s being held at gunpoint. His commitment to maintaining a bad American accent isn’t doing him any favours though.

DON’T SHOOT THE PIANIST

The ever-so-heroic Doc Holliday watches as the Doctor heads to the saloon, anticipating that the Clantons will kill him in Doc’s place. However, Kate also heads back to the saloon, much to the relief of Stephen who has been made to sing the same song four times over.

So of course we all want to hear it yet again from her, don’t we?

In comes the Doctor, completely oblivious to the tension in the room until he hears the name Clanton and gets some inkling of the trouble he’s in.

His protestations that he’s not Holliday fall on deaf ears, but luckily for him Holliday had a change of heart. Hiding upstairs, Holiday fires off a few well-placed shots at just the right moment to enable the Doctor, Kate and Stephen to disarm the Cowboys.

Wyatt and Bat turn up, taking the Doctor into custody for his own protection– a fact that seems to be lost on Stephen, who immediately falls in with the Cowboys in the hopes of breaking him out. Of course, the Cowboys are only helping him so that they can get at ‘Doc’, but it takes the poor lad a while to catch on.

As for Dodo, she’s ended up with Doc Holliday, who won’t let her out of her room in case she gives away the ruse. After all, he’ll be safe with Earp.

It is at this point that the musical narration started to wear out its welcome. No, that didn’t take long at all, did it?

The Cowboys coach Stephen on what to do at the jailhouse to break the Doctor out, and Stephen finally realises that he can’t trust them, though he doesn’t let on. He sneaks off to the jailhouse and passes the Doctor a gun through the window of his cell, telling him to bluff his way out and escape before the Clantons come for him.

So what does the Doctor do? He hands the gun over to Wyatt and tells him about the escape plan.

Methinks the Doctor ought to swap his cowboy hat for a dunce cap. It’s also here that I noticed that the Doctor consistently calls Earp ‘Wearp’. Why? The Doctor knows who Earp is, and it’s too consistent to be a line flub, so I don’t really get it.

The Clantons catch Stephen sneaking back from the jailhouse, and poor Stephen finds himself being carted off by an angry mob intent on stringing him up as an associate of Holliday.

Dodo and company spot them heading away, so Doc leaps into action to rescue… his dentist chair. Seth spots him as he comes down the stairs, but Doc is a quicker shot. Leaving Seth dead on the floor, he has Kate saddle up three horses; Dodo will be leaving town with them.

The Clanton-led mob arrives at the jailhouse with an ultimatum: hand over ‘Doc’, or Stephen will swing in his place.

JOHNNY RINGO

Though the Doctor is more than willing to meet the mob’s demands, Earp isn’t about to give in. He sneaks around the back of the mob and knocks out Phineas Clanton, taking him into custody as the barman comes running up to tell everyone that he’s just seen the real Doc Holliday shoot Seth.

With their brother in custody, the other Clantons back off, heading to the saloon to drink it dry. They need a new associate. They need Johnny Ringo.

Because I can’t resist adding in a historical note: Johnny Ringo was a real outlaw, but he wasn’t involved in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral, but later incidents involving Doc Holliday and the Earps.

Doc, Kate and Dodo take a room in the next town, out of immediate danger but close enough that they can get back to Tombstone at a moment's notice. I say out of danger, but Doc manages to get into a brief offscreen shootout in the two minutes it takes him to scrounge up some supper.

Back in Tombstone, Johnny Ringo rides into town. Rather serendipitous, given that the Clantons didn’t have a way to contact him. It just so happens that he, too, has a score to settle with Holliday. Suspicious that Charlie the barman might warn the Earps about his presence, he shoots him dead.

Just in case we weren’t paying attention, the singing narration reiterates what just happened to Charlie in a desperate attempt to make us feel sad.

Meanwhile, Dodo wants to go back to Tombstone so badly she’s willing to hold Doc at gunpoint. He’s far more amused than threatened, but he does agree to take her back.

The Doctor and Stephen meet Ringo in the saloon and find the dead body of poor Charlie the barman. Seeing as they’re both looking for Holliday, Ringo takes Stephen to search for him. Stephen is apparently fine with teaming up with the very obvious outlaw.

Ringo and Stephen soon arrive in the next town and head for the saloon, figuring that Holliday will be in there gambling. However, they don’t find Holliday, but Kate.

Say, if Holliday and Dodo are on their way back from that town, wouldn’t they have passed Stephen and Ringo on the road?

The narration, long having worn out its welcome, thoroughly gets on my nerves. It is very rare that narration is even necessary in the first place. For an extra helping of lazy writing, the song tells us that Kate and Ringo were once lovers. Apparently there is no other way of conveying that. It’s not as if they could simply ACT as if they have a romantic past. Oh, wait, they do.

And because I’m already annoyed and on my high horse, I want to note that I have been unable to find any evidence of the real Kate and Ringo having ever been involved with one another, romantically or otherwise.

Kate tells Ringo that Doc headed out for New Mexico, hoping to throw him off the trail. However, Ringo has other ideas. He’ll be heading back to Tombstone, and Kate’ll be coming with him.

In the Tombstone jailhouse, Wyatt has left his younger brother Warren to guard the imprisoned Clanton. The other Clantons come by the jailhouse, and poor young Warren is too slow to get the draw on them. Leaving him bleeding on the floor, the Clantons break their brother out of jail.

The music and narration try to make it sad, but you can’t manufacture an emotional response to the death of a character I have absolutely no reason to care about.

Here’s another departure from history. Warren Earp was real, but not only did he have nothing to do with the fight at the O.K. Corral, the Clantons never did a thing to him! He died in 1900, long after this whole incident.

THE OK CORRAL

Someone, anyone, I beg of you. Please shoot the narrator.

At the saloon, Wyatt makes the Doctor a deputy, and his brother Virgil finally turns up to lend a hand. They soon find out what happened to Warren, and the dying man manages to tell them who did this to him before going to the great rodeo in the sky.

A furious Wyatt sends Virgil to tell the Clantons they’ll be waiting for them come sunup.

Ringo tells the Clantons to do as Virgil says. While they’re facing off against the Earps, Ringo can come up from behind and shoot them in the back. Well, that’s hardly sporting, is it?

Virgil gets back to Tombstone and tells the others that although he didn’t see Ringo himself, he saw his horse. So much for secrecy, eh, Ringo?

The Doctor despairs at this development. It seems like they’re hopelessly outgunned. However, he didn’t count on Doc Holliday.

He’s back, and he’s itching for a fight. Now that Doc’s here, the Doctor quite eagerly hands over his badge and gun. He’s not really cut out for all this wild west stuff.

Later that night, the Doctor frets over the coming duel. Shouldn’t the Clantons get a fair trial?

The Sheriff is relieved to hear he’s not the only sane man in town, so he sends the Doctor to try talking to the Clantons. Yes, I’m sure they’ll be perfectly reasonable and this can all be solved over tea and crumpets.

Hold on a minute. Is the Doctor trying to meddle with history? The one thing he always says he cannot and WILL NOT ever do?

All the same, it doesn't amount to much, given he only speaks to the Clantons' Pa, and the brothers have already left.

As the lawmen and the Cowboys assemble for their final standoff, the ballad warbles on, undermining the dramatic framing of the scene.

Doc almost gets caught out by Ringo, but the timely intervention of Dodo saves him. There’s a tense moment as Ringo grabs her and takes her hostage, leaving Doc with no choice but to drop his gun.

However, what self-respecting gun-toting sharp-shooting wild west hero would carry only one gun? Not Doc Holliday, that’s for sure. As Ringo stoops to pick up Doc’s gun, Doc whips out another and shoots him dead. Telling Dodo to get to safety, he joins the firefight.

The half-hearted anti-violence message the Doctor keeps attempting to bring up would be a lot stronger if Doc didn’t look so darn COOL when he’s shooting people.

When the smoke settles, the Clantons are all dead, and the lawmen don’t have a scratch on them. The goodies beat the baddies, and violence solves everything.

The Doctor laments the injustice of it all, but nobody cares. I don’t even think the writer cares. Doc sees them off, giving the Doctor a wanted poster as a souvenir. As for the Earps, they don’t show up again. It’s unclear what will happen to them.

As the travellers leave, they hear Kate off in the saloon, singing that bloody ballad. I’m sure it’s a coincidence that the Doctor starts immediately hurrying the others into the TARDIS.

They depart to parts unknown, landing on an unknown world in the far future. According to the Doctor, this is an age of peace, enlightenment and prosperity. If that’s so, then who is that caveman-looking fellow approaching the TARDIS?

Final Thoughts

I don’t know anyone who actually liked this serial. I don’t really know who it’s for. It’s too ahistorical to appeal to anyone who watches for the history aspect. I can’t imagine many parents were all that pleased with the amount of on-screen violence, though their children might have found it exciting.

The only attempt at a message or moral is that ‘violence is bad’ and I think we’ve seen how thoroughly it undermines itself on that count. As for the musical narration, that’s just baffling.

I get the feeling that this story wants to be a fun, comedic and light-hearted wild-west romp. The problem is that it’s not that fun. Take out the singing and people would probably see it as unusually dark and gritty for Doctor Who. There’s a few funny bits, but not really enough that landed for me to call it a successful comedy.

This feels like an attempt by Donald Cotton to recapture the success of his earlier story, The Mythmakers. It even repeats the plotline of the Doctor being mistaken for someone else. I am not sure what exactly is different here. Did the Mythmakers simply have a funnier script? Better comedic actors? I think a combination of the two is quite possible. Also possible is that it doesn’t have a singing narrator– sorry, I know I keep going on, but the narrator really did annoy me.

Basically, The Gunfighters doesn’t succeed at being anything other than a mildly diverting time-waster.

I do hope that there will be something better in store next time.

2 out of 5 stars

While you're waiting, tune in to KGJ, our radio station! Nothing but the newest and best hits!

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[April 24, 1966] Playtime’s Over (Doctor Who: The Celestial Toymaker)

April 24, 2021 Jessica Holmes Leave a comment

By Jessica Holmes

We all have a different idea of the concept of ‘fun’. To me, ‘fun’ is a trip to Blackpool Pleasure Beach. I like a good rollercoaster. To others, ‘fun’ is watching a game of cricket. Strange but true. And to one peculiar individual, ‘fun’ is kidnapping people and making them play banal playground games under threat of eternal imprisonment and/or death.

To each one's own, I suppose.

Let’s take a look at The Celestial Toymaker.

THE CELESTIAL TOYROOM

As an aside before we begin, I am going to have to have a good look at my TV antenna. It was on the blink for much of the serial, so there’s every chance there are visual details in the plot that I may have missed.

We pick up where we left off last time: the TARDIS has landed in an uncertain time and place, and the Doctor is nowhere to be seen.

He's not gone walkabout, as you might expect. We can still hear his voice, but he’s otherwise completely undetectable, both invisible and intangible. Unable to operate his ship, the Doctor decides to leave the TARDIS to investigate. What could have caused this?

Well, I have an idea. Enter the Celestial Toymaker.

Now, this might not be on purpose, but considering he’s dressed in the (rather splendid) garb of an Imperial Chinese bureaucrat, I think it’s worth pointing out the use of the word ‘celestial’. Besides the more obvious meaning, it's also an old term for Chinese people, and not a very polite one either. It originally stemmed from Imperial China being also called the ‘Celestial Empire’, and so people from China who came to other countries were called ‘celestials’. It’s fallen out of fashion in more recent years, and is now considered to be more of a slur. Of course, the writer might not have meant anything by it, but with the Toymaker being dressed the way he is I would think it prudent to have a little more care in choice of words. Or choice of fashion.

It’s not the most egregious bit of language in this serial, but it seemed worth discussing.

The Toymaker does certainly live up to the latter part of his name, his realm littered with a variety of playthings. And that's not all he can do. In an act of sadism against the viewer, he gives his clown dolls the spark of life.

The Doctor suddenly reappears upon exiting the TARDIS, and ignores Dodo’s excellent advice that they should get back in and leave. Then again, if he did the sensible thing, most episodes would finish before they even started.

Steven sees visions of his memories in the chest of a big wind-up toy robot (it makes about as much sense as everything to follow), and the Doctor realises that they’re in the realm of the Celestial Toymaker.

That clears that up.

And now for the fun and games! The Toymaker spirits the Doctor away, leaving the others to get acquainted with the obviously evil clowns. I’m not afraid of clowns but I don’t much care for them in general, and these two seem designed to push my buttons.

The Toymaker is bored, you see, and his guests are his new playmates, willing or no. Steven and Dodo are going to have to complete a series of challenges if they ever want to find the TARDIS again, and they’re going to have to do it before the Doctor completes a 1023-move puzzle. Oh, and if they lose, they’ll be trapped here as a toy… forever.

The Toymaker sets the Doctor off on his puzzle, a 10-piece version of a puzzle more commonly known as the Tower Of Hanoi, but here referred to as the Trilogic Game. How it’s played is not important, but we’re subjected to an explanation anyway.

Meanwhile, the clowns set up an obstacle course for the others. They’re going to have to make their way through without falling down, and they’re going to do it blindfolded.

The clowns go first, the male one (Joey) running the course as the other (Clara) guides him using a buzzer.

The Doctor tries to communicate with his companions and warn them that the Toymaker’s minions are likely to cheat, but the Toymaker cuts him off. As punishment, he dematerialises most of the Doctor's body, except for his hand, which he needs to move the pieces.

Back in the other room, the clowns finish the course, and Steven and Dodo have their turn. It’s hard enough for Dodo to guide Steven using buzzer signals in the first place, but Joey makes it even harder as he moves bits of the course around.

They’re also extremely annoying. I cannot overstate how annoying they are. Clara, for some reason, keeps eggs in her hair. That’s just plain unsanitary. Joey won’t stop tooting his horn (not a euphemism), greatly irritating Steven and also me. Then there’s Clara’s incessant giggling.

I’m just saying if Steven snapped and knocked their heads together, I wouldn’t blame him in the slightest.

I hope they’re not meant to be funny.

Distracted and misled, Steven ends up right back where he started, only for Dodo to discover that Joey’s blindfold is see-through. The clowns cheated! The pair force the clowns to run the course again, determined that they will have a fair game. Joey has a harder time of it this go around, and when he stumbles and falls, Clara slumps lifelessly over the controls, and a police box appears. Alas, it’s not the real TARDIS.

Steven and Dodo find a slip of paper with a riddle, and exit through the rear of the fake TARDIS, the clowns reverting to their original state as they leave.

Before the closing credits roll, the riddle flashes up on screen. I had hoped that this was so viewers could make a note of it and ponder the solution at home, but no. It’s pointless. I spent precious minutes of my life contemplating this, and for what?

Four legs,
No feet,
Of arms no lack,
It carries no burden on its back.
Six deadly sisters,
Seven for choice,
Call the servants without voice.

THE HALL OF DOLLS

The Doctor continues his game, and Steven shows off his problem-solving capabilities when he comes to a door that won’t budge. He tries everything: pushing, shoving, hitting, more pushing. Nothing seems to work.

Dodo tries pulling, and voila! The door opens.

The Doctor tries again to communicate with his companions, so the Toymaker takes his voice. Looks like Mr. Hartnell’s off on his holidays.

Steven and Dodo soon meet their next challengers: the King and Queen of Hearts. How very Lewis Caroll.

With the arrival of the King and Queen comes a pertinent question: are these challengers entirely products of the Toymaker’s imagination, or are they people in the exact same predicament as Steven and Dodo? Steven’s firmly in the former camp, whereas Dodo is in the latter. As for me? Well, I’m still mulling it over.

There’s also a Knave and a Joker but they’re not very important.

The group find two throne rooms, one with four thrones and the other with three. Seven in total. Seven for choice, in fact. They quickly realise that only one of these thrones is safe to sit on, and they have to find it to escape. But how to tell which is safe? Fortunately, there are a few cupboards in which Steven and Dodo find a number of life-sized dolls. The King and Queen catch up to them, and Dodo, seeing them as potential allies rather than rivals, explains that they can use the dolls to test the chairs.

Steven chastises her against talking to the pretend people, which the King and Queen don’t much appreciate. Each taking a doll, the King and Queen go to try the thrones in the other room, deciding to pick a chair to test at random.

And then the King recites Eeny Meeny Miney Mo. Specifically, the old version which unfortunately is still quite popular. For those not in the know, the old version contains an extremely racist word I shall not be repeating here. Suffice to say it begins with the letter N. Sadly, there are many in Britain who wouldn’t think twice about using that word.

I can’t claim to be surprised, as the BBC is no stranger to racist programming. An obvious example of that would be The Black-And-White Minstrel Show, which has been running on the BBC for a good long while now and doesn't seem likely to stop any time soon.

It just saddens me to think that there may be millions of British children out there who have just been told that this is an acceptable word to use. How long before it enters their vocabulary?

Words have power, and when one's words are being broadcast to around eight million viewers, as a writer one has a responsibility to choose them carefully.

That's about all I feel able to say on the matter, so I shall press on.

Picking a throne, the King throws a doll onto the seat, only for it to get its head rattled off.

In the other room, Dodo and Steven are arguing over whether they should be helping the King and Queen, as the royals believe there to be only four dolls, with Steven keeping the knowledge of the other three to himself.

The question of their humanity comes up again, with Steven asserting that they’re tools of the Toymaker, so the pair have to look out for themselves. Normally I would side with Dodo, who thinks they’re innocent victims of the Toymaker, but I am inclined to agree with Steven here. They just don’t strike me as real people. They’re archetypes. They’re a lot like their counterparts from Alice In Wonderland, with the timid, submissive King and the dominant Queen. It's a bit of a sexist dynamic and all.

Dodo and Steven try a couple of chairs with no luck, watched by the Knave. The Knave doesn’t do an awful lot, though he does go back to check up on the King, who (supposedly) jokingly offers him a seat.

The King runs out of dolls to use, so he and the Queen return to Steven and Dodo, where they learn about the additional dolls after trying to force the Fool to be their guinea pig.

Well, even if they are real people, they’re real prats.

Taking the last dolls with them, the King and Queen leave Steven and Dodo with only one chair left in the room, and nothing to test them with.

Dodo sits down… and it’s not the right chair.

There’s a tense moment where it seems that Dodo is about to die by freezing solid, but Steven manages to help her get free, moments from death.

All’s not lost yet, however. Back in the other room, the King and Queen run into difficulties when the Joker refuses to be their guinea pig. Deciding that if they’re going to go, they’ll go together, they choose a seat and both sit down. Nothing happens. It seems they got lucky.

Or not.

Steven and Dodo enter just as the chair collapses under them. Not that lucky.

The Doctor’s companions use the last chair, and another fake TARDIS appears. The Toymaker gives them a ring on the TARDIS phone, and offers them a clue to their next game, and a way out, through a passage lined with life-sized ballerina dolls.

This week’s clue is:

Hunt the key, to fit the door
That leads out on the dancing floor,
Then escape the rhythmic beat,
Or you’ll forever, tap your feet.

I don’t know what annoys me more: the bizarre comma placement or the fact that these aren’t actually riddles that the audience can solve. Well, this isn’t even a riddle really, more rhyming instructions.

Why are they showing these at the end of the episodes?

THE DANCING FLOOR

Past the ballerinas, Steven and Dodo stumble upon a kitchen, where they meet some more of the Toymaker’s playthings, Mrs Wiggs the cook and Sgt. Rugg. These two are supposed to be funny, I think.

Per the rhyming instructions, Steven and Dodo start searching for the key to the dancing floor, which is just next door. The Sgt. and Mrs Wiggs’ antics quickly irritate Steven, who manages to hold his temper at the urging of Dodo. Again, I really can’t blame him. There are few things more annoying than an unfunny ‘comedic’ character.

Of course everything I say is pure comedic gold, so I can speak as an authority on that.

The Doctor keeps trying to slow his progress in the game to buy the others more time, but the Toymaker won’t have it, artificially skipping the game ahead dozens of moves at a time.

With a bit of buttering-up from Dodo, the Sgt. agrees to help the pair out in their search, but quickly runs afoul of the cook, who doesn’t appreciate the destruction he’s wreaking in her kitchen.

Like the previous challenges, this is painfully tiresome to watch.

We’re eventually put out of our misery when Dodo realises they haven’t looked inside the pie on the kitchen table, and plunging a hand into the pastry finds the key.

The pair rush off, leaving the others to get a good scolding from the Toymaker, who orders them to prevent the companions reaching the other end of the dancefloor.

If not, he’ll break them, as easily as smashing a plate.

Steven and Dodo enter a room with a triangular raised dais, on which three ballerinas dance beautifully. The music accompanying them is less than beautiful.

The cook and the Sgt. enter close behind them, and Steven attempts to cross the dancefloor. However, he immediately finds himself caught up in the dance– in fact, he can’t stop.

The dolls spin the group around the dancefloor, holding on with a grip like iron, but with some effort Steven and Dodo manage to dance their way over to yet another fake TARDIS. Will they ever find the real thing?

Dodo wonders if they’ll see the cook and the Sgt. again. Exasperated, Steven reminds her that they’re just figments of the Toymaker’s imagination. But if that’s true, then why do they always lose, and why always by doing something silly and human?

Maybe they really do have minds of their own.

Disgusted with his incompetent minions, the Toymaker offers up a new doll for them to play with, the nastiest apparently. A devil? A monstrous beast? No…it’s a jolly schoolboy.

Schoolboy? He looks at least forty!

I wouldn’t take his sweets if I were you, Dodo. There’s something unsavoury about his manner.

Lady luck
Will show the way,

Win the game
Or here you’ll stay

THE FINAL TEST

So, what’s our next game? Hopscotch. How thrilling. Throw in an electrified floor, however, and the game gets a little more interesting.

The ‘schoolboy’ Cyril seems to be playing fair at first, but keeps adding new rules to the game whenever the companions have the upper hand. With how irritating he is and his love of practical ‘jokes’ like hand-buzzers, some viewers may be reminded of the Billy Bunter character from the Greyfriars School stories. Amusingly, so many apparently noticed this the previous week that after this week’s episode the continuity announcer had to clarify that Cyril is merely a ‘Bunter-like’ character, therefore not infringing any copyrights.

Feeling generous, the Toymaker allows the Doctor the use of his voice again. Welcome back, Mr. Hartnell. Been anywhere nice?

Cyril’s mischief turns nasty in the hopscotch game as he almost knocks Dodo onto the electrified floor. When Steven comes over to scold him, Cyril sends both back to the start, as he had landed on Dodo’s triangle (and according to the rules, the previous occupant of a triangle has to go back to the start if someone else lands on that same triangle. Wow, that was boring to explain), and Steven broke the rules.

Steven tries to just hop over to the TARDIS at the end of the course, but the Toymaker pops up to do jazz hands at him and blocks his way with an invisible barrier. They’re going to have to play by the Toymaker’s rules.

Finding himself frustrated with the Doctor’s continuing reluctance to speak, the Toymaker accelerates the game to spite him. The others are going to have to hurry.

Their bratty opponent pulls an obvious stunt when he pretends to hurt his foot, and Dodo comes to see if he’s all right. He is, of course, and he’s tricked her into breaking the rules, so back to the start she goes. Again.

On Cyril’s next roll, he rolls high enough to win the game. In a shocking turn of events, however, he stumbles and falls. Zap.
It’s a good thing he turned back into a doll, or that would have been quite grisly. There’s an awful lot of smoke.

Steven finds that the tile Cyril slipped on was covered in a slippery powder, which he must have put there to sabotage the companions and forgotten about.

They finally reach the police box as the Doctor makes his penultimate move. Could it be they’ve found the real TARDIS? Yes. Yes they have.

Fully visible once more, the Doctor halts his game and goes to check on his ship, reuniting with his friends.

Their relief doesn’t last long, as the Toymaker shows up to remind them that they still haven’t won. In fact, they can’t win. If the game ends, this whole world will disappear, and them with it. However, they can’t leave until the Doctor finishes his game. It’s quite the Catch-22.

It doesn’t look like they can talk their way out of this…or can they? Ordering Steven to pre-set the TARDIS controls, the Doctor pulls off an uncanny impression of the Toymaker’s voice to order the game to advance to the final move.

The face the Toymaker pulls as his world collapses is absolutely hilarious.

Still, being an immortal the Toymaker will surely be back some day, and he won’t let the Doctor get away with a trick like that again. That’s a way off though, so for now they can celebrate with some sweets.

And the Doctor promptly cracks a tooth on one.

I suppose next week will be the thrilling search for a dentist.

Final Thoughts

That brings us to the end of The Celestial Toymaker. I wanted to like this serial. There is plenty about it that I can appreciate. Micheal Gough’s performance as the Toymaker is a real highlight. He’s a very charismatic and compelling villain, definitely a worthy opponent for the Doctor. In many ways, he’s like a petulant child, almost pitiable, but there’s a real icy malice under it all. He’s a cautionary tale about the downsides of immortality. If you live forever, mortal lives are so short compared to yours they might as well be mayflies. What do morals matter to you when you outlive everyone who remembers your sins?

I’d certainly be open to seeing him make another appearance at some point, sans clowns.

The overall concept is quite fun, but the dull nature of the challenges made the execution quite lacklustre. When talking with friends, some complained that this serial was too fantastical. I disagree. I don’t think it was fantastical enough. We’re in a world entirely created from the imagination of a bored immortal, and the best he can come up with is electric hopscotch? Why not lean into the surrealism, a world that’s at turns both dream and nightmare? I don’t really care how the Toymaker has this level of control over his world, but I do care that he doesn’t use his powers to do much that’s truly interesting.

Something I’m a little surprised wasn’t brought up again at the end was the issue of the Toymaker’s playthings. Over the course of the serial, it’s all but outright stated that all his toys were once people. The Toymaker may have supplanted their wills with his own, but there are hints that there’s still some small part of the original person buried deep down.

Though the Toymaker must survive the destruction of his world, what of the toys? Are they too far removed from their humanity to be worth saving?

That said, they were all extremely annoying and I am not at all sorry to see the back of them.

There’s not much to complain about in terms of production value, with some pretty elaborate sets, effects and costumes. I did rather like the costuming work on the King and Queen of Hearts.

I can’t offer as much praise to the music in this serial, which seemed composed specifically to aggravate me. It’s repetitive, grating, unpleasant and repetitive.

Well, that’s enough griping for today, I think. Join me next time as we take a trip to the Wild West in search of… a dentist. It’s not the weirdest premise for a story I’ve ever heard.

3 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[March 28, 1966] Typhoid Doctor (Doctor Who: The Ark)

March 28, 2021 Jessica Holmes 1 Comment

By Jessica Holmes

Spring has sprung, and rather than going outside to look at the flowers, I’ve been on my settee watching science fiction serials. All is as it should be. So, what do we have this month? Let’s take a look at The Ark, written by Paul Erickson and Lesley Scott. Going by my records, we've never had a woman writer credited on Doctor Who before. Hopefully Lesley Scott will be the first of many!

I will admit it's clever to get the actors to hold their 'eyes' in their mouths.

THE STEEL SKY

We open in a lively forest, various critters scampering about. There’s a lizard, a toucan, a weird cyclops-thing in a bad wig… the usual rainforest menagerie, basically.

There’s even a Dodo.

The new addition to the crew of the good ship TARDIS is the first out the door, taking her sudden change of surroundings entirely in stride. After all, they’re only a little way outside London.

London, well known for its population of Indian elephants. Dodo presumes they’re in a zoo enclosure. That would make sense if not for the ugly chap with the table tennis ball in his mouth.

I think they might have just gone through the entire production budget for the series. It's not often we see real live creatures on Doctor Who, much less actual elephants. Perhaps they went to the zoo and snuck a camera in the picnic hamper?

The Doctor notices that this jungle seems to be missing something vital: the sky. Add that to the trembling ground and the unusual buildings in the distance, and the full picture becomes clear. They’re not at the zoo. They’re not even on Earth. They’re on a spaceship!

I’d say that’s nothing to sneeze at, but Dodo can’t seem to stop. The Doctor immediately gets to do some surrogate grandfathering and scolds her for not using a handkerchief, then proceeds to ask just what in the world she’s wearing.

I think the doublet and mismatched stockings ensemble looks quite good on her, in an odd way. It’s like a medieval spin on the Mod look. Very Twiggy.

Their presence hasn’t gone unnoticed though, and one of the creatures (‘Monoids’ being the correct nomenclature) informs their human bosses of the intruders. Baffled, the humans decide to bring the travellers in for questioning.

Back in the forest, the Doctor has moved on from critiquing Dodo’s fashion sense to nagging her about her improper English. Well I’m sorry Doc, but we can’t all talk in perfect RP. Snob.

The Monoids round up the wayward group, and bring them to the humans. The Doctor doesn’t criticize their fashion sense, though he should. They look like they’re wearing party streamers. Also, they aren't around for long so I didn't bother writing down their names. It's really not important.

I take an immediate dislike to the leader of the humans, who explains that they’re in a spaceship carrying the Earth’s population to a new world, as the old Earth is soon to be engulfed by the dying Sun. As for the Monoids, they came as refugees to Earth from a similar situation, offering their service in exchange for their survival. The humans took them up on the offer, which strikes me as exploitative, and the leader's smarmy attitude makes me wonder if this service is at all voluntary.

It's hard to capture smarminess in a still image, but I think this epitomises it.

Unfortunately for both the humans and the Monoids, the Doctor and company have brought more than just well-wishes. You see, other than having to flee the Earth, life for the future humans is pretty good, annoyances like the common cold having long since gone the way of the dodo…

And now the Dodo's back.

She keeps sneezing away as the leader of the humans has a nice chat with the Doctor. This is a generation ship, its journey expected to last seven hundred years. Why so long? They’re picky.

The new planet, Refusis II (catchy) is the only one they can find which has a climate just like Earth’s. I hope it’s mostly like the Mediterranean. I wouldn’t fancy living on the Planet Of The English Drizzle.

They’ve loaded the whole of Earth’s population onto this ship, down to the last ant. What with all the peoples of the world on this ship, it’s funny that every single human they’ve encountered is white (and going by accent and language, English). Funny, that.

It’s a touch more complicated than that, though. Obviously it’s impractical to have billions of people running about a spaceship, so most of the population have been shrunken to microscopic size and stored in trays, while a small group remains full sized, guiding the ship to its destination. Ah, so the reason that the ship seems to have nobody but white Brits (and aliens) onboard is that they’re in charge and everyone else is… luggage.

I see.

It’s not all fun and games and dubious implications, however! The Guardians have even found time for a bit of art. They’re working on a colossal statue of homo sapiens, begun on Earth and expected to be completed around the end of the voyage. The projected design is really…something.

Something like a giant half-naked Beatle holding a grapefruit, that is.

The idea’s nice at least.

All’s not well aboard the Ark, alas. It seems a strange disease is spreading among the crew of the ship, all the way to the very top of the chain of command. When a Monoid dies and the commander of the ship is taken ill, the Doctor and company are arrested.

Dodo really should have brought her hankie.

THE PLAGUE

Fearing that they’re all doomed, the Guardians imprison the Doctor and his companions. The Doctor reassures an upset Dodo that if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his, as she had no way of knowing about the danger. Steven wonders aloud if this is the first time this has happened, spreading a disease to a vulnerable population. Could it be that the Doctor is a time-travelling Typhoid Mary?

The Doctor’s verdict is to try and not think about that too much. See, this is why you should always get your jabs before travelling, and quarantine where necessary. Time travel responsibly, chums.

The virus rages through the ship, afflicting the Monoids worst of all. The Guardians’ microbiologists are at a loss, as all data on the common cold was lost in a war long ago.

At death’s door, the commander tells his daughter to make sure the voyage goes ahead. Even on the brink of death he seems smarmy. Perhaps he’s just an over-actor.

Following the funeral of the first Monoid to die of the disease, the Guardians commence with the trial, calling Steven to give evidence.

They accuse him of coming to spread the disease on purpose, suspecting the travellers of being natives of Refusis II, come to sabotage their mission.

Oh, so Refusis II is inhabited, is it? What exactly is the plan when the Guardians arrive? Are they going to ask nicely for a place to stay, or will we just have colonialism in space?

Steven starts to look rather sweaty under the interrogation, but methinks that’s nothing to do with the grilling they’re giving him.

The Guardians almost come around to believing Steven when he says it was an accident, but then disaster strikes. A Guardian has died of the fever. With one of their own dead, the Guardians readily find Steven and his friends guilty, not even allowing his advocate, the commander’s daughter, a word in edgeways. Just once it’d be nice if the Doctor and company ended up somewhere with a decent judicial system.

The Guardians rule that the group shall be ejected from the ship, and Steven picks the perfect moment to faint. It would seem that he too has come down with the fever.

The Doctor begs to be allowed to try and save Steven and all the other afflicted, and the Guardians initially refuse his offer, until the commander, who has been watching all this unfold from his sickbed, orders them to let the Doctor go and give him everything he needs.

To be on the safe side, they make the Doctor use Steven as his guinea pig. Well, better him than hurting a real guinea pig, I say.

The Doctor comes up with a plan to recreate the old vaccine (as unlikely as a vaccine for the common cold sounds), for which he’ll need some ‘animal membranes’. The Monoids collect what he needs, and help the Doctor as he perfects the formula. As he mildly condescendingly puts it, they’re more knowledgeable than most people realise.

I’m not sure being smart makes their indentured servitude (or worse) any less wrong.

The Doctor tests his cure out on Steven, and rather than waiting to see if it cures or kills him, he immediately goes and starts treating other patients. He’s just asking for a malpractice lawsuit.

It takes an hour, but eventually the medicine kicks in and Steven, the commander and everyone else who got sick are on the mend.

With the commander back on his feet, the journey can continue, and the Doctor prepares to depart. It looks like everything is going to be okay.

Or is it?

The TARDIS dematerialises, only to rematerialise in what appears to be the same spot. However, upon leaving the ship to investigate, the group find the ship deserted. One look at the now-completed statue tells them how long they’ve been gone: seven hundred years.

It seems they’ve missed a lot in the interim.

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that massive statue wasn’t meant to have a Monoid’s head.

THE RETURN

After some searching, the group finally find what’s become of the passengers of the Ark. The Monoids are now on top, the humans having become their slaves.

Oh, and the Monoids can talk now. That’s handy, though I had rather enjoyed an alien race who communicated through signing.

They soon run into a Monoid, who takes them to the leader of the Monoids, One. Finally, some names I can actually remember.

From One, they learn that although they did cure the initial outbreak of the fever, a mutated form developed, which ended up weakening the Guardians enough for the Monoids to overthrow and subjugate them.

Rumour soon spreads among the enslaved Guardians that there are time travellers onboard, but not everyone believes it. However, it’s soon proven true when the Monoids bring the time travellers to the, uh, ‘security kitchen’.

Well, could be worse. They could have been dumped in the lavatory jail.

With their guests having been shown to their accommodations, the Monoids discuss their plans for when they land on Refusis II. One is planning to destroy the Guardians when they land. Not really sure why. Probably spite.

In the kitchen, Dodo asks why the humans haven’t fought back. Wow, gosh, I bet they never thought of that (!)

One’s second in command, the creatively-named Two enters the kitchen, and the Guardians try to snatch his heat gun away. However, Three comes in moments later and shoots one of the Guardians, foiling the attempt. Two orders the Doctor and Dodo to come with him. They’ll be part of the landing party, and Steven will remain here, to ensure that the others behave themselves.

They head down in a pod with Two and another Guardian, and find a world both verdant and completely empty…or so it would appear.

Unseen to both the audience and the characters, something enters the ship, sits down, and fiddles with the controls before leaving again. The only sign that they’re there is a slight depression in the cushion of the seat, and some moving levers.

On reflection, it might have been a mistake to try and show you something invisible.

Unable to find any signs of habitation, the Doctor declares that the colonisation can go ahead. Two, subtle as a brick, laughs and says it might not take as long as the Doctor expects.

He might as well have thrown back his head and done a dramatic cackle.

Moving a little further afield, the Doctor spots a castle in the distance, and wonders why none of the inhabitants have shown up. The group investigate the castle, finding it to be in excellent condition, but deserted. Two is convinced the Refusians are hiding, and like the monster he is he knocks over a vase of flowers. What did the flowers ever do to him?!

The Doctor tells him to behave himself, and an unseen voice concurs, before an invisible force sets the flowers back in their proper places.

Back on the ship, One and Three discuss their plans to deal with the humans, and find the most roundabout way possible of saying they’re going to blow up the ship with an atom bomb. And guess where it is? It’s in the statue.

They go on loudly discussing it, not realising that one of their human servants is watching everything on the ship’s surveillance cameras. He rushes to the kitchens to report what he saw, though the rest of his species aren’t best pleased to see him. It would seem he’s a collaborator. However, Steven advises that they should hear him out, and he tells them all about the bomb, but alas he couldn’t see from his viewpoint where it was hidden. They’ll have to find the bomb themselves.

Down on the planet, the Doctor’s having a nice chat with his new invisible friend. The people of Refusis II have known about the coming of the Ark for a while, and built facilities for the humans to use. A solar flare rendered the inhabitants of Refusis II invisible and incorporeal, and they’re lonely, unable to interact with one another. Essentially, it’s a planet of ghosts.

That seems a bit convenient. It’s basically just sidestepping any discussion of the ethics of settler colonialism, which would be very interesting to cover in a science fiction setting.

Two goes to report back to the Ark, and realising the Monoids’ plans for humanity, his human servant attacks him, trying to stop him from warning the others about the native inhabitants. However, he loses the fight, dying what appears to be an agonising death.

Two starts to make his report using the pod’s communications equipment, and then something goes a little bit wrong.

The pod blows up.

THE BOMB

Rather than sending another scouting party to find out what happened to Two, One decides to go ahead with the landing. However, some of the other Monoids have reservations about this whole plan for colonisation.

The Doctor and Dodo meet back up with their invisible friend. The Refusians blew up the pod because they’re a peaceful bunch. Mostly. They don’t much fancy handing their planet over to the Monoids, given that they made such a bad first impression.

The Refusians are still open to the humans living on their planet, as long as the humans manage to regain control of the Ark.

They’ll need to get out of the kitchen first. Luckily, they have a plan for that. When the Monoid collaborator returns one of the Monoids’ eating trays to the kitchen, one of the Guardians sneaks out the door behind him. Once he’s gone, the Guardian on the outside opens the door for the rest of the group.

Well, that was simple. I’m surprised they didn’t try that sooner. You’d think there’d be guards.

The Monoids prepare to head off, setting their bomb to detonate in twelve hours– more than enough time for some escaped humans to find it. I wonder why they left such a long timer. Did they leave themselves a little extra time in case they get down to the planet and realise they forgot to bring their toothbrushes?

The Monoids find the remains of Two’s pod on Refusis II, and the Doctor and Dodo observe from a distance as Four discusses his plans to confront One and return to the Ark. After they go, the Doctor and Dodo steal aboard the pod and use its communication equipment to talk to Steven. The Doctor promises to send the landing pods back to the ship so that the humans can escape, and he’ll also find out where the bomb is hidden. How? Well, his invisible friends can help with the former, and for the latter, the Doctor does what he does best: he has a little chat.

One starts to interrogate the Doctor, but Four throws a spanner in the works as he picks his moment to confront One. Four fears that One has led them to certain doom, and wants to return to the ship. However, One taunts him that he’ll have a hard time getting the bomb out of the statue, so it’s not as if he has any choice. Undeterred, Four heads off with a few of his own allies, and One takes his forces to pursue the errant subordinate, leaving the Doctor and Dodo behind.

One of the pods makes it back to the Ark, and Steven comes up with a plan. They can’t all fit in the pod, so half the Guardians will go down to Refusis II to help the Doctor, and the others will look for the bomb. Practically daring fate to hand him an ironic death, the collaborator says he’s not going to risk his life searching the ship, so the others agree he can go down to Refusis II.

Down on the planet, One and his allies confront the defectors, engaging in a firefight that leaves a number of them dead. The Guardian pod lands in the middle of the skirmish, and the collaborator is the first one out.

…And the first one gunned down.

The Monoids continue to fight, and the other Guardians sneak out of the ship and have the good sense not to go running up to the nearest Monoid, so they manage to find the Doctor and Dodo and distract their guard.

Four is the last Monoid standing by the time they make it back to the pod. He doesn’t even bother to stop them. He looks exhausted, which is quite impressive acting given that he’s mostly made of rubber. Casting his weapon aside, he allows them to pass.

The group race back to the Ark, the Doctor sending Steven a message on the way there. But how are they going to get the bomb out of the statue?

Well, apparently the Refusians are immensely strong space ghosts. Our invisible friend picks the statue up as if if were made of polystyrene, and launches it out of the ship, there to safely detonate.

So, all’s well that ends well. The Refusians insist that the humans and Monoids must live together in peace, and the Doctor beats us over the head with the aesop of the story: don’t make a whole group of people second-class citizens, or they might rise up and return the favour.

It’d be a bit stronger if the narrative treated the Monoids as equal to the humans, but I don’t think it does. We don’t really get any Monoids to sympathise with. They don’t even have real names, only numbers. We don’t really get an explanation from the Monoids themselves about what made them rise up (other than ‘because they could’). What’s more, their leadership is shown to be worse than the human leadership, and the humans end up back on top in the end anyway. The Doctor’s little speech at the end gives the illusion of balance to a script which, when you step back and look at the whole thing, is quite solidly on the Guardians’ side.

And the speech does feel a little patronising too, like the Monoids were a bunch of children the Guardians were meant to be looking after.

You can tell it's an important speech because he's doing the thing with his lapels again.

Little speech given and lessons learned all around, the Doctor and company depart, leaving the Guardians to start building their new world, and from the way they’re talking about the Doctor, they might be about to start a cult.

Aboard the TARDIS, Dodo changes into some more normal apparel, and then something quite odd happens.

The Doctor fades away with a sneeze, before vanishing entirely. He’s still around– at least, his voice is. But the man himself is nowhere to be seen! It would seem that the time travellers are in mortal peril.

…Again.

Final Thoughts

I'm not sure there's much else to say on The Ark that I haven't already covered (she said, then continued for another few hundred words). The production value is quite impressive, with large sets and the procurement of live animals, but the costuming doesn't match up.

The politics of the story would appear to have a colonialist bent, what with the humans heading for an inhabited world and just assuming they can move straight in. Then there's the matter of the human-Monoid relationship, which I already mentioned, but it ties back into the colonialist sentiments, the sense of paternalism even promoted by the Doctor himself. With the sun setting on the British Empire, perhaps we ought to turn a more critical eye to these imperialist attitudes and narratives.

I don't feel qualified to speak further on the matter, so I'll leave it to you to discuss.

We've not seen enough of Dodo for me to make any real judgements on her. She doesn't have much to do in the story, besides setting the whole chain of events in motion. Still, that's not even by any deliberate action of hers. It's a simple matter of biology. That's not what I'd call an active contribution to the plot. I also didn't much like how critical the Doctor was of her. I know he's pretty much desperate for another Replacement Susan, but they've only just met and he's already scolding her on her dress and diction. Steven seemed to warm up to her a bit by the end of the serial, but he wasn't exactly welcoming at first.

A thought did occur to me as I was typing up this conclusion. I was pondering how the argument between Steven and the Doctor seems to have been dropped. I realised that it hasn't. This serial is a direct response to the last. Steven pointed out the Doctor's lack of regard for the people left behind at the end of their adventures, and this serial reinforces his point. It's effectively two stories in one. There's the story of the plague, and then the consequences that the Doctor isn't normally around to see.

Other than that, the story is just… decent? The Doctor would scold me for saying so, but that's the most apt word for it. It's not boring, but it's not really anything extraordinary. Well, they can't all be winners.

3 out of 5 stars

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Movies, TV

[March 24, 1966] Dark Comedy and Birthday Wishes (a Tony Randall double feature)

March 24, 2021 GalacticJourney 3 Comments

by Lorelei Marcus

Spring is here

The month of spring is upon us, and with it comes the withdrawal of the frigid cold, swaths of buds peeking from their branches, and the boisterous emergence of new life. It's a wonderful time of year, warming the earth until "California Dreaming" is no longer necessary, and promising renewal in general. Yet the most important part of March is not the spring equinox, or another green-centric holiday, or good weather, or flowers, or the fresh start of life.

The most important part of March is the fact that it contains my birthday.

And it just so happened that my special day fell right between two old movie reruns, each of them starring the love of my life, Tony Randall.

I couldn't have asked for a better gift.

Many Happy Buryings

Of course my obligation to consume every piece of media Randall has ever been in is what drove me to watch an obscure TV special of Arsenic and Old Lace . It took that initial incentive, because I have been wary of Arsenic and Old Lace since I'd previously had to watch it (the 1944 film with Cary Grant) in my drama class. Needless to say, the experience was both exasperating and unpleasant. Luckily, this version was neither of the above, and had me hooting with laughter throughout the program.

For those who are unfamiliar with the show, Arsenic and Old Lace is a dark comedy about two sweet old ladies who murder for fun, and their poor nephew, Mortimer Brewster, who discovers their nasty habit and tries to clean up the whole mess. Further conflict arises when Boris Karloff- I mean Jonathan Brewster, Mortimer's brother and a notably malicious murderer, returns home to hide out for a while. As you might imagine, insanity ensues.

The Brewster sisters

I was pleasantly surprised by just how funny this rendition of the classic chaotic plot was. I have to credit the sublimity of the production to three main parts: the acting, the script, and the pacing. I would round off my praise with compliments to the set design as well, but my TV sadly went on the fritz that evening, and I could hardly see what was happening through the snow. Apparently there are still problems the magic of color television cannot fix.

(Not) Boris Karloff and his associate, Dr. Einstein

Yet I still managed to enjoy the show, thanks to some excellent casting choices. Dorothy Stickney and Mildred Natwick play Aunt Abby and Martha Brewster perfectly, with just the right amount of sweetness and charm to build sympathy for these lovely old women, despite their homicidal tendencies. Their banter with each other and their nephews is hysterical, and the contrast of their outwardly harmless appearance with their dark secret is very fun.

Our hero

Boris Karloff is, of course, excellent in his dark, monstrous role. He plays a great foil to the aunts, defining the line between true evil and simply misunderstood. The ladies murder for the claimed benefit of their victims, and they take great delight in their charity work. Jonathan, instead, clearly murders out of spite and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The difference is key in establishing who the audience should root for; the homicidal aunties seem a touch less bad and un-relatable when compared with a literal scourge of the Earth.

Sibling rivalry

Though the rest of the cast is marvelous, I'd have to say Tony Randall gives the best performance as Mortimer Brewster, the straightman nephew. You may believe I have a slight bias in favor of Randall at this point, and that's probably true, but I think it's also fair to say that his execution of Mortimer ties the whole show together. Mortimer is a complex balance of a character, always in between being both capable and yet on the edge of a nervous breakdown. If he falls too far in either direction he's either unfunny, annoying, or both. This was the downfall of the first version of Arsenic and Old Lace that I'd watched. That Mortimer was too excitable to get anything done, and spent the entire show whining and floundering around insufferably. Randall was the complete opposite.

He struck the perfect equilibrium of distressed yet productive that made his character both likable and hilarious. The scene where he tries to call his boss to alert him that he can't come into work had me rolling with laughter. I may be severely biased, but here, Randall is deserving of the praise.

Tom Bosley has a humorous turn as Teddy Roosevelt.

The other two great aspects of the show go hand in hand. The dialogue is witty, fun, and delightfully self-aware. I found all the jokes about Jonathan looking like Boris Karloff particularly funny and ironic (given that they got Karloff to play Jonathan!) Alongside the script was the masterful direction, which ensured that the jokes never fell flat and the pacing never dragged. The presentation was very tight and complemented the other positive aspects perfectly. Overall, this version of Arsenic and Old Lace was a splendid time watching the wild antics of the nutty but charming Brewster family. There's not a single flaw that I can find, just a great time, therefore I give it five stars.

Down to New Orleans

The second film, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , aired a week later as the local Saturday night movie. It kept in keeping with the theme of dark yet funny classics. Based on the 1884 novel of the same name, the film follows a young Huckleberry Finn as he runs away from his abusive father and takes a raft down the Mississippi with his friend and runaway slave, Jim. Finn and Jim encounter a variety of obstacles on their journey, including a feuding family, slave hunters, and a couple of cunning swindlers who rope them into their con. Eventually, they get through it all thanks in part to Finn's ability to lie through his teeth, and the story ends bittersweetly as the traveling pair must seperate and pursue their own paths.

A pensive Huck contemplates a world without shoes

I definitely enjoyed the movie, though I think I would rather read the novel if I would ever consume the story of Huck Finn again. The pacing drags at the beginning, probably due to some poor direction choices and Eddie Hodges' (Huck Finn) stiff acting. Both improve as the show goes on, but the first hour could benefit from being about 20% shorter.

Jim convinces Huck to board his raft

This also may have been a case where Tony Randall's superb acting skills actually hurt the production. Randall plays "The King of France," the brains of the two grifters who force Finn to play along in one of their plots. Unfortunately, he gives the role such charisma and personality that it took me nearly the whole movie to realize his character was supposed to be the villain! Perhaps in hindsight the child-threatening and attempted gold theft should have tipped me off, but truly, who can hate a man that competent at what he does? (Especially one that looks like Tony Randall)

The villain?

My favorite part of the movie was the nuanced way it conveyed its abolitionist themes. Despite explicitly stating several times how "freeing slaves is wrong," the story develops Jim just enough that we empathize with him and hope that he acquires his freedom. Archie Moore's lovable performance also aids in building rapport and getting the audience to root for Jim, especially in heart-wrenching scenes like when he tearfully describes regret at hitting his daughter. This subtle antiracism is a bit new to me, compared all the (justified) current protests and riots that are explicitly denouncing unequal treatment of the black community. It gives me hope that perhaps art like this can be used to bridge the gap of understanding to those who insist on marching in white sheets.

Poignant stuff — who can but wince when seeing a man in chains?

The film is also fairly amusing, with a few solid jokes, and some good physical comedy and dialogue. The funnest part was seeing all the crazy tall tales Finn comes up with to get out of tight situations. I found it very funny that Finn ultimately never gets punished for any of his fibs, subtly implying that the only way to successfully get through life is to flat out lie all the time. I personally haven't read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , so I don't know if this theme is an artifact of Mark Twain's writing, or just some poor script and direction choices. Despite its flaws, the movie successfully told the story and conveyed the messages it was trying to, all while being fairly entertaining along the way. I give it three stars.

Bittersweet parting

Seventeen candles

And with that, my birthday festivities have come to a close. I think it's time I step away from the silver screen and instead take a walk outside and appreciate the dawning spring. The experience of another year has granted me new wisdom, and I'd like to see what life has to offer outside the artificial television set.

At least, until the next Tony Randall movie comes along.

This is the Young traveler, signing out.

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[February 28, 1966] A Bloody Return To Form (Doctor Who: The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve)

February 28, 2021 Jessica Holmes 1 Comment

By Jessica Holmes

Welcome back, everyone! We finally, finally get to move on to a new story. Jumping off the back of the behemoth that was The Daleks’ Master Plan, The Massacre of St. Bartholomew’s Eve is a breath of fresh air at just 4 episodes long.

It’s also a pure historical (goodness, I’ve missed them), and what’s more it centres on a topic I don’t know much about. It’s time to put Doctor Who’s educational value to the test.

WAR OF GOD

France, 1572. The TARDIS lands in the bustling streets of Paris. The Doctor and Steven don some local garb and head straight for the nearest tavern.

Inside, we meet several of our main characters, making for quite a convenient introduction. We’ve got the level-headed Nicholas and the hot-tempered Gaston, both Huguenots, and we also meet Simon, a Catholic with no great fondness for the bunch. It’s worth noting they’re all fictional. The script wastes little time in establishing their characters. By the time the Doctor and Steven actually get inside, I’ve got a pretty good read of the bunch. With the Huguenots not being too popular in Paris, Simon has little difficulty in convincing the landlord to spy on the Protestants.

Over a cup of wine, the Doctor and Steven make plans for their day in Paris. The Doctor plans to visit a man called Preslin, and in the meantime Steven decides to go sightseeing. Not that there’s much to see. Most of the Paris landmarks we know today haven't been built yet. Still, I suppose there’s Notre Dame.

There probably aren’t any nice little crêpe stands around yet, though.

As the Doctor leaves, he bumps into a stranger who begins to follow him. Steven attempts to go after him, but finds himself waylaid by the classic tourist blunder: not understanding foreign money. Seeing his predicament, Nicholas helpfully covers the tab and invites Steven to join him for a drink with his Huguenot friends.

Across Paris, the Doctor makes it safely to his destination. He finds an old man, an apothecary named Preslin. He is something of a conundrum for me. There is no Preslin as far as I have been able to tell. And yet, apparently this bloke has not only discovered microorganisms, but also found the link between microbes and disease. Setting aside the anachronism of the latter part, I don’t understand why this fictional character is presented as if he were actually a historically significant person. It seems to be made up for no good reason. I think it could make less historically-savvy viewers confused.

Back with Steven, the Huguenots soon meet Anne Chaplet, a runaway servant of the local Abbot, and agree to hide her.

Speaking of the Abbot, the Doctor’s asking Preslin about him right now. The (also fictional) Abbot of Amboise is by Preslin’s account a rather unpleasant character, and quite keen on throwing people into prison for heresy.

Anne tells the group after some coercion from Gaston that she overheard talk of a planned massacre of Huguenots. Unfortunately for her, the Abbot’s men know that she knows, and her life is at risk.

The Huguenots arrange for her to go to the kitchens of the (real) Admiral de Coligny, a prominent Huguenot and friend of the King. However, the landlord is making good on his promise to Simon. He listens intently as the group realise that there might be a plot brewing against Henry of Navarre, the Protestant prince who has just married the Catholic King’s sister. The Huguenots depart, leaving Steven to continue waiting for the Doctor.

The landlord tells Simon about the girl, and the newcomer Englishman, pointing Steven out to him. As Nicholas returns, Simon hides, watching as Nicholas asks the landlord to tell the Doctor, should he show up, that Steven is staying at the Admiral’s abode.

Successful, Simon can now report to his master, the Abbot.

Is it me, or does he look a bit familiar?

THE SEA BEGGAR

The Doctor fails to make an appearance at the tavern the following morning, so Steven returns to his Huguenot friends, who have a visitor: the secretary to the Abbot, Roger Colbert. He’s come to ask about Anne, the servant girl. Gaston lies to cover for her (he may be rather rude, abrasive and outright classist at times, but he does have his good moments), and sends Roger away.

However, Roger didn’t come alone. Out the window, the Huguenots spot none other than the Abbot himself! Steven finds himself in hot water with his new friends when he identifies the Abbot as the Doctor.

Under suspicion that he’s a Catholic spy, Steven takes Nicholas to find the Doctor and prove the uncanny resemblance.

Meanwhile, the Admiral meets with Marshal Tavannes (based on the real Gaspard de Saulx, sieur de Tavannes), and it quickly becomes apparent that they don’t get along well because of their religious differences.

Steven and Nicholas make it to the apothecary, but they find it empty. A local woman tells them Preslin hasn’t lived there since he was arrested for heresy two years ago.

…Then who was the Doctor talking to?

Upon being confronted by Nicholas, who reasonably believes him to be a liar, Steven makes a run for it. Nicholas returns alone to the other Huguenots, and reports the unhappy news of Steven’s presumed treachery. However, Anne speaks out in Steven’s defence, him having only been the one to treat her with a bit of actual kindness and respect.

Refraining from referring to the working class as ‘nothings’ will do wonders for your interpersonal relations, Gaston.

Steven goes to the Abbot’s apartment, where he overhears the Marshal, Simon and Roger plotting the assassination of the ‘Sea Beggar’. Simon assumes the order comes from none other than the Queen Mother, Catherine de' Medici.

Steven hurries back to the Huguenots to warn them, narrowly avoiding the wrong end of Gaston’s sword. Operating more on testosterone than common sense, Gaston kicks Steven out, for which Nicholas scolds him. Sure, not stabbing the bloke was a nice gesture, but it might have been useful to actually try listening to what he had to say.

Anne joins Steven as he leaves, and the two decide to hide at the abandoned apothecary.

Back at the house, the Admiral arrives home. While all this has been going on, there’s been a bit of a subplot about allying with the Dutch against Spain. He thinks he may have got the King to agree to the war. However, the monarch warned him that if he goes ahead, the Admiral will go down in history as the ‘Sea Beggar’.

A weird nickname will soon be the least of his problems.

PRIEST OF DEATH

Though the war with Spain subplot does not enormously interest me, I have to tell you about it for context reasons, and also so I can make fun of characters for having silly ideas.

See, the Admiral seems to think that allying with the Dutch rebels against Spain will be just the thing to unite the country and quell the brewing civil unrest. He, a Protestant, wants to lead a majority-Catholic country into war against another strongly Catholic country. In aid of a bunch of staunch Protestants. Yes, that definitely sounds like it’ll be a really popular war.

The King’s got a worse attention span than me, though. He gets tired of the conversation and insists on changing the subject.

Steven tries to get Anne to come with him to the Abbot’s apartment. Come on, Anne, go with the nice handsome stranger. Though I wonder: how does Steven speak French? English schools are rubbish at teaching foreign languages.

The Admiral and the Marshal are on the brink of coming to blows over their religious differences (something I genuinely don’t understand and this serial doesn’t seem interested in really exploring) when the King finally sees fit to do a little bit of ruling and tells them to sit down and shut up.

Or something to that effect, anyway.

To which the Admiral responds by insulting his mother. The King likes that. She won’t bother him for the rest of the day now, so they can go and play tennis.

Sometimes I wonder how the concept of hereditary rule lasted as long as it did.

Steven finds the Abbot, and to buy some time with him he says he’s come to return Anne. He could have warned Anne first, but it does get the Abbot’s attention, and he tells the pair to wait for him while he has a meeting. Steven overhears everything, learning the location of the Admiral’s planned assassination. Before he can learn more, however, Roger spots him and informs the Abbot that Steven is the Englishman he’s been telling him about.

Steven runs back to the Huguenots to warn them, and Nicholas gets to the Admiral in the nick of time to watch him get shot. Well, it’s the thought that counts. At least he’s not dead.

Learning that the attempt has failed, the Marshal suspects that the Abbot is a traitor to the Queen.

The King isn’t happy to learn of the Admiral’s injury, though he might be more upset at having his game of tennis interrupted. It’s hard to tell from the temper tantrum.

The Admiral returns home, and Steven finally gets the chance to tell the Huguenots everything he’s learned, but he’s still convinced that the Abbot is the Doctor. Well, if that’s the case then he’s certainly very dedicated.

And also very dead.

We’d better hope that the Abbot and our Doctor are two different people, or we’ll need a new name for the programme.

What’s more, the death is being blamed on the Huguenots, stoking the tensions in the city even further. His Royal Foolishness puts the Marshal in charge of ensuring the Admiral’s safety. It comes to him as news when dear old Mumsie comes in to tell him that the Marshal was in on the plot, and so was she. Well, that’s monarchy for you. Kill your enemies before they get the chance to do the same to you.

In the streets, tensions continue to rise. The crowd are looking for someone to blame for the death of the Abbot. Steven arrives at the scene of the Abbot’s murder to find what looks like his friend (and only ride out of here) lying dead on the floor. He doesn’t have time to mourn, as the crowd turns on him when Simon spots him and points the finger. All Steven can do is run for his life.

BELL OF DOOM

Though delayed by the curfew, Steven eventually makes it back to Anne, who is very relieved to see him alive and in one piece. Together they comb over the apothecary’s shop, trying to discover where the Doctor stashed his clothes. If he can’t find the TARDIS key, Steven’s going to be stuck here. Paris doesn’t seem like a great place to live right now. Quite apart from all the religious unrest and lack of indoor plumbing, you can’t even buy a croque monsieur yet. I mean, what’s the point?

Anyway, he’d better hurry up, because the Marshal and Simon are planning to find and kill him. It’s just one thing after another for the poor bloke.

Anne finds the Doctor’s stick, but no sign of his clothes. Where could they be? Well, the obvious place.

They’re on the Doctor’s body.

The Doctor finally turns up, having been… where, exactly? On holiday? He’s not forthcoming with any answers.

Meanwhile, Gaston begins to worry about the obvious danger of the Admiral being guarded by a bunch of religious enemies. He advises that the Admiral should leave Paris, but the others refuse to consider it. To be fair the Admiral doesn’t look in any shape to travel, but I’m with Gaston on this one.

Alas, history is already written.

Upon learning that tomorrow is St. Bartholomew’s Day, the Doctor urges Steven that they mustn’t delay in returning to the TARDIS. Sending Anne off to her aunt’s house (against both Anne and Steven’s wishes), the Doctor practically drags Steven by the ear back to the ship with a hasty farewell.

He has good cause to hurry. Across the city, the Queen Mother meets with the Marshal, bearing an order signed by the King himself. The plans for tomorrow will go ahead. She tells the Marshal to disregard his list of targets. Once the killing starts, the good people of Paris will take care of things. They know who their enemies are, which is to say anyone not Catholic.

The Marshal isn’t keen on killing random innocent Protestants as well as their leaders. It's not as if he actually does anything about it, so I can’t give him credit. He does however urge against killing Henry of Navarre for fear of provoking an all-out holy war, and the Queen Mother listens to him.

The Doctor and Steven leave Paris as the city plunges into chaos. As they leave the Doctor gives Steven a history lesson. The bloodshed spread from city to city, leaving as many as ten thousand dead in the city of Paris alone. Horrified to realise that all the Huguenot friends he made will be dead in a matter of hours, Steven’s furious with the Doctor for leaving Anne behind in the midst of all this. So furious, in fact, that he announces he’s leaving him behind wherever they next land.

The Doctor does seem to understand why this would be a deal-breaker for Steven, but he does give quite an interesting argument for his defence.

“…history sometimes gives us a terrible shock. That is because we don't quite fully understand. Why should we? After all, we're all too small to realise its final pattern. Therefore, don't try and judge it from where you stand…”

The part I find of particular interest is the Doctor’s comment on being too small to realise history’s final pattern. I find myself reminded of Ray Bradbury’s short story A Sound Of Thunder. In that story, a time-travelling tourist inadvertently causes disaster when he steps on a prehistoric butterfly, changing the entire course of Earth’s history.

Who is to say that removing Anne from her time and place wouldn’t do irreparable damage to the established course of events? I see the Doctor’s point, and his argument for non-interference.

Then again, he did take Katarina from ancient Troy, and who knows what that might have done to history? On the other hand, she did end up saving his life, sacrificing her life in the process. Perhaps that was history’s way of correcting itself. After all, she should have been long-dead by that point.

The TARDIS lands on present-day Wimbledon Common (that’s convenient!) and Steven leaves, the Doctor finding himself alone to reminisce about his companions and shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces.

“Now… they're all gone. All gone. None of them…could understand. Not even…my little Susan…or Vicki …and yes … Barbara and Chatterton… Chesterton! They were all too impatient to get back to their own time. And now… Steven. Perhaps I should go home, back to my own planet. But I can't. I can't.”

He still gets Ian’s name wrong, and something about that tugs at the heartstrings. I wonder why he can’t go home? For a few moments, the facade of the brilliant eccentric scientist falls away. We see what I think has been at the heart of the Doctor’s character for a long time, perhaps ever since Susan left: a lonely, homesick old man.

I want to give him a hug so badly.

Lest we get too sad, it’s at that moment a newcomer bursts into the TARDIS, mistaking it for a telephone box. Taken aback, the Doctor tells her that it most assuredly is not.

Steven comes running back a moment later (gee, that lasted a long time!) to tell the Doctor that a couple of coppers are coming towards the TARDIS. They'd all better get going.

The Doctor takes off in a hurry, seemingly forgetting about his guest. Then again, forgetting might have nothing to do with it. He seems more than happy to have acquired a new companion.

The woman doesn’t seem to mind being roped in to an unexpected adventure. I suppose she forgot about the road accident she was trying to report in the first place.

The Doctor notes that this new friend, one Dorothea Chaplet (Dodo for short…and yes, I will be making fun of that) bears quite a resemblance to Susan.

Granted, I can see the resemblance, but I think the Doctor might have some issues.

Realising that Dodo has the same surname as Anne, the Doctor and Steven wonder if Dodo might in fact be her descendant. Apparently her grandfather actually was French. Well, it’s certainly possible, but I hardly think Anne was the only Chaplet in France. Plus, unless she was already married (of which there was no mention), wouldn’t any of her future children have taken her husband’s name?

The more you think about it, the less likely it gets. Nevertheless, I suppose it does relate back to the Doctor’s point about the pattern of history being impossible to see from inside events. Perhaps if they had taken Anne, Dodo might never have been born. It’s impossible to say.

Final Thoughts

The most important thing for you to know about this serial is that it’s thoroughly enjoyable. The pacing is excellent, the characterisation strong and the plot intriguing. This has been my favourite serial for quite a long time. I found myself quite impressed with Purves and Hartnell’s performances in their confrontation at the end.

Other than the bit with Preslin, the plot doesn’t contradict recorded history, and events play out as they should. I must note that it is not entirely agreed upon as to who orchestrated the massacre. However it is quite commonly attributed to Catherine de Medici, so I think that’s a reasonable stance to take for this story. There’s not really any deep exploration of the religious differences at the heart of the conflict. To be honest I’d be at a loss to tell you why the Catholics and Protestants hated each other so much. That might be a theological topic a bit too deep and nuanced to satisfactorily cover in a children’s television serial. I think the general point is that there is no point to this sort of violence.

I would have liked an actual explanation for the Doctor’s absence, as the lack of explanation makes it more glaring. Did he get to talk to the Abbot? Why does the Abbot look so much like him, is it just a bizarre coincidence? Was the man truly Preslin after all? After all, he seemed to want to help.

Looking back, it is quite a glaring flaw in the plot. As I understand it this serial was subject to some heavy rewrites, and this is where it really shows.

There is also a bit of mood whiplash at the end of the story. We go from a city gripped by religious violence to the bitter parting of Steven and the Doctor, the sadness of the Doctor alone, and then quite abruptly the comedic arrival of Dodo.

It’s a bit of a tacked-on companion introduction, and does undermine the power of the previous scene. Still, it’s only a small flaw when you step back and take a look at the whole thing. I am prepared to forgive it.

Also, it’s also a bit cheap to give Steven what feels like a proper exit and then bring him back about two minutes later. I’m in a pickle. On the one hand, Steven returning makes the previous scene seem pointless. On the other, I really like Steven and don’t want to get rid of him yet.

From a writing standpoint I have to disapprove, but from a fan standpoint I’m just glad to get more Steven.

The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve comes as a welcome return to form for Doctor Who, and this viewer is eager to see what the next adventure will be.

4 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[February 4 1966] What A Waste. What A Terrible Waste. (Doctor Who: The Daleks' Master Plan [Part 3])

February 4, 2021 Jessica Holmes 2 Comments

By Jessica Holmes

There were times watching this serial when I began to wonder if I would ever be free. I began to fear that long after all has come to dust and the cockroaches inherit the Earth, I’ll still be there, sat in the rubble, praying for the Daleks to get on with it and put me out of my misery.

You might say I’m being overdramatic, and perhaps I am, but I can say with sincerity that I’m thankful this is the last article I have to write for this one serial.

GOLDEN DEATH

The Daleks in their time machine track the Doctor to the Old Kingdom of ancient Egypt, where he’s busy fiddling with the lock on his TARDIS, thinking that the Monk is still on his tail.

Steven notices the Dalek ship arrive at the building site of the Pyramids, and together with Sara goes to investigate. Unbeknownst to them, an Egyptian slave spots their coming, and hurries off to report it to his overseer.

The Doctor’s companions soon realise that it’s not the Monk who has just landed here, but the Daleks. They’re on their way to warn the Doctor when a gang of heavily-armed Egyptian soldiers ambush them.

The soldiers then attempt to accost the Daleks too, but bronze spears and bare chests are no match for ray-guns and armoured plating. The Daleks slaughter most of the soldiers, a small few managing to retreat and regroup.

Meanwhile, the Doctor finishes his repair work, puts on a stupid hat, and indulges in some sight-seeing. It’s not every day you get to see an ancient wonder under construction. He hears the familiar sound of a landing TARDIS, and sure enough out steps the Monk sporting a fashionable pair of sunglasses.

The Doctor then realises that if the Monk has only just landed, then the earlier landing must have been the Daleks!

The Egyptian guards tie Steven and Sara up in a hut, and then make the foolish decision to leave only one soldier to guard them while they go off to do something else.

Meanwhile the Monk to his displeasure comes upon the Daleks. It’s only by Mavic Chen’s intervention that the Daleks don’t immediately shoot him. Unlike the Daleks, Chen’s smart enough to notice that the Monk isn't local.

Chen presses the Monk for information, and the Monk tells him that he’s here to exact vengeance on the Doctor. With their interests aligned, Chen asks the Monk to gain the Doctor’s confidence and retrieve the Taranium core. The Monk agrees, though he doesn’t seem too eager about it.

While all that’s been going on, the Egyptian slaves have been stuffing Pharoah’s tomb full of treasures. The usual stuff like gold, jewels, fancy furniture, a certain police box…

The Monk starts searching for the Doctor, but he won’t find him anywhere near his TARDIS. No, the Doctor is playing mischief with the Monk’s ship. He strips out an important-looking component, and also fiddles with the ship’s cloaking device to make it look like a police box. It’s partly to confuse the Daleks, but I like to think that it’s mostly just because it’s funny to mess with the Monk.

Sara manages to untie herself and Steven, and they take the guards by surprise. Steven's impressed with how good Sara is in a fight. Well, I should hope so, given that killing people was basically her job for much of her life.

The Doctor confronts the Monk in Pharoah’s tomb, and the Monk ‘warns’ the Doctor about the Daleks, urging him to hand over the Taranium before someone gets hurt. The Doctor responds only with a laugh as he advances on him.

Steven and Sara arrive some time later to find no sign of the Doctor. As they wonder what has become of him, a nearby sarcophagus slides open, and a figure wrapped in cloth begins to emerge…

ESCAPE SWITCH

Steven and Sara look on in amazement as a groaning figure emerges from the great stone coffin. Is it the mummy’s curse? Nah, it’s the Monk!

But if he’s here, where’s the Doctor?

Steven and Sara help the Monk out of his wrappings as he claims that he was only trying to warn the Doctor. Oh, and he’s coming down with a bit of a headache, so if Steven could just open the TARDIS door for him that would be very much appreciated. Steven wasn’t born yesterday, so they take the Monk with them to look for the Doctor.

Rather than the Doctor, they end up finding Chen and the Daleks. The Monk wastes no time turning his coat once again and offering Steven and Sara as hostages to draw the Doctor in.

Meanwhile, the Egyptians realise their prisoners have gone missing, but can’t go after them without risking the war machines.

On the Dalek ship with Steven and Sara, the Monk explains to the irate pair that he didn’t actually betray them. The Daleks were about to kill them all, so the Monk offering them as hostages kept them alive for just a few more minutes. It’s certainly plausible, but I can’t blame Steven and Sara for not wanting to trust him as far as they could throw him.

Chen broadcasts an ultimatum from the Dalek ship, ordering the Doctor to come running pronto with the Taranium, or else.

Left with no choice, the Doctor comes to meet the Daleks, and sets up a rendezvous where he’ll hand over the core in exchange for the release of all prisoners, including the Monk. One Dalek only, no bloodshed needed. Of course the Daleks are bad at following instructions as several turn up to the meeting.

However, the Egyptians, having also heard the message, have plans of their own.

The Doctor insists the prisoners be set free first, to which the Daleks agree. He then hands the Taranium over to Chen, running for cover just as the Egyptians attack the Daleks from behind. You can’t fault them for bravery, I suppose.

It doesn’t go brilliantly for the Egyptians, but they do manage to trap one Dalek and encase it in bricks, and the whole stunt creates enough of a distraction for the Doctor and his companions to slip away and regroup. They’ve lost the Taranium core, but on the plus side the Doctor stole the directional unit from the Monk’s TARDIS, so they have a chance of getting back to Kembel and stopping the Daleks once and for all.

The Monk gets back to his own TARDIS, getting safely away from the Daleks. Good for him, he’s much too fun to kill off. He does end up stranded in some frozen wasteland though, so I doubt we'll be seeing him any time soon.

The Daleks are initially frothing at the mouth to catch the Doctor, but Chen points out to the short-tempered tin cans that they have what they came to get.

The Doctor installs the stolen component to his own TARDIS, unsure if it will work, as the Monk has a more up-to-date model. Still, it’s the best chance they have, so he bids Steven to throw the switch–

And the control room vanishes in a flash of blinding white light.

THE ABANDONED PLANET

The Daleks return victorious to Kembel, accompanied by an insufferably smug Chen. The Doctor meanwhile fears that the directional unit has failed to get them where they need to go. We’re spared a plot derailment by the realisation that the view outside looks an awful lot like Kembel, so it would seem they made it after all.

Imagine how much longer this serial would be if they hadn’t. It’d probably be another three episodes at least.

Now for the most exciting thing in the world: a cabinet meeting! The Galactic Council convenes to have a good natter and complain and grumble at each other. They note the absence of Chen and are about to kick him out of the Evil Aliens Club when he swans in acting like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. His Imperial Smugness proceeds to be so insufferable that the gang are on the verge of tearing him apart with their bare hands/claws/tentacles. Then he shoots one of them dead. Not the best way to make friends, I’d have thought.

Outside, Steven and Sara traverse the jungle, noting that there don’t seem to be any Varga plants around, and no Daleks either for that matter. Where could they have disappeared to?

Chen manages to get the Council to sit down and shut up, and they’re about to start discussing the matter of sharing power after the invasion (bit last-minute to be discussing that, I would have thought) when the Daleks show up and spoil the party.

Steven and Sara double back to the TARDIS, but the Doctor’s nowhere to be found. They go back again to look for the Dalek city. Well, that was a bit pointless.

The Daleks have taken the Council into custody, and are planning to destroy the city as they start their conquest. I’m not really sure why. If they want the Council dead they could just shoot them. They’re in a cell; it’d be like shooting rats in a bucket. Not that I’d ever do that, of course. I like rats.

Steven and Sara find the city apparently abandoned. They manage to just walk right in all the way to the central control room where the Dalek time machine sits unattended. Thinking that the Daleks must have the Doctor, they plan to commandeer the machine (never mind that they can’t work the thing) and use it as leverage to get him back. However, their message reaches not the Daleks, but the imprisoned Council. It took them a while to find a scrap of moral backbone, but by the time Steven and Sara reach them they’re eager to mobilise against the Daleks and defend their galaxies.

Steven and Sara agree to release them, and they all scurry off as fast as their spaceships can carry them, all except for one… Chen. They’re wondering what’s taking him so long when his ship blows up shortly after takeoff.

I was ready to throw a brick through the television at this point. I was not going to let them kill Chen without me even getting to see the look on his face.

With Chen apparently out of the picture and the Doctor nowhere to be found, it’s up to Steven and Sara to find a way to stop the Daleks. They spot a lone Dalek entering an underground tunnel, and are about to go after it when Chen shows up alive and well and carrying a gun.

Still planning on being the master of the universe, Chen orders Steven and Sara into the underground base.

DESTRUCTION OF TIME

Chen reveals to Steven that he too came back to find the Doctor. Not out of any sense of altruism, mind you. He believes the Doctor seeks to usurp Chen’s position with the Daleks. Chen, they threw you in a cell. You don’t have a position with the Daleks any more.

They get themselves taken prisoner very quickly. Unlike the above ground city, the underground base is very much occupied. Because he hasn’t realised that to the Daleks he’s nothing more than a useful idiot, Chen gets his knickers in a twist because these are HIS prisoners. Apparently humouring him, the Daleks tell Chen to escort ‘his’ prisoners to the Dalek Supreme.

In a move that comes as a shock only to Chen, the Dalek Supreme states that their alliance has ended. When Chen gets it into his head to start ordering the Daleks around as if he himself was their leader, they completely ignore him. Growing desperate, he shoots at the Dalek Supreme. It doesn't work.

Finally realising how much trouble he’s in, Chen runs for his life, yelling some nonsense about being immortal. Guess the pressure finally got to him.

The Doctor finally turns up, emerging from the shadows like some film noir hero. He hands Steven the key to the TARDIS, urging him to take Sara there once he gives the signal. Why? He’s going to activate the Time Destructor.

The Daleks catch up to Mavic Chen and finally wipe the smug look off his face, shooting him dead and leaving his corpse in the corridor. They come back to find the Doctor tinkering with the Time Destructor, realising with horror that they can’t fire on him without destroying it.

Using a Dalek as a shield, the Doctor and his companions back towards the exit. Once they’re out, the Doctor tells Steven and Sara to run. Steven obeys without a second thought (gee, thanks) but Sara stops, unwilling to leave the Doctor to his fate.

Sara and the Doctor make their way to the TARDIS, carrying the activated Time Destructor, as the Daleks make their pursuit.

Steven makes it safely back, but the Time Destructor is taking its toll on the Doctor and Sara. In a matter of minutes, Sara appears to have aged several decades. The Doctor doesn’t seem to be as badly affected, but perhaps that’s because he is already fairly old.

Over the next few cuts, Sara looks older and older in each one, horrifyingly withering away before our eyes.

Severely weakened by the device, the Doctor drops it, and moments later the lush forest is reduced to a barren waste. Seeing the pair on the TARDIS scanner, Steven comes running out to help, but despite his efforts he cannot deactivate the Time Destructor. Nearby, he finds Sara’s skeletal remains, moments before they crumble away into dust.

Now that’s what I call scary! Where has THIS been all serial? Sure the Daleks can zap you and that’s not much fun but it doesn’t really evoke the true horror of the Time Destructor. It’s an awesome superweapon and I’m a bit disappointed it gets as little screen time as it does.

Somehow the Doctor is still alive, which leads me to wonder if he has a much longer natural lifespan than Sara. We know he’s technically an alien, because he isn’t from Earth, but how alien?

He’s not pleased to see Steven outside the TARDIS, and yells at him to get back in before he gets himself killed. Starting to feel better, the Doctor manages to return to the TARDIS, and is virtually back to normal once he makes it inside. However, outside the Time Destructor is still working its purpose, but time is no longer flowing faster than it should. It’s flowing backwards.

The Daleks catch up, and they too attempt to destroy the Time Destructor, to no avail, as it strips away their armour, aging them down, down, down until there’s nothing left but jellyfish-like Dalek embryos writhing in agony in the dust.

I should make a list of the most disturbing fates ever to befall a character on Doctor Who. This would go at the top, I think.

The device finally ceases to work, the Taranium core having burnt itself out. The Doctor and Steven emerge from the TARDIS to survey the damage. There’s absolutely nothing left outside. Alone in the desolate wastes, they mourn Sara, wishing that she could have seen the destruction of the Daleks. Steven is more than ready to leave, having made and then lost so many friends in this fight against the Daleks. Somberly, the Doctor agrees.

“What a waste. What a terrible waste.”

You said it, Doc.

Final Thoughts

We made it! The road was long and hard, and oh how we suffered. Well, I did most of the suffering. You just read about it.

Where do I even begin?

I think the most obvious thing to address is how ridiculously bloated this serial is. It desperately needed vast structural edits, and while I know television is made on a tight schedule, it would have been better to push the serial back to later in the series if it needed more time to fix. The plot meanders, doubles back on itself, and sometimes plain goes missing for whole episodes at a time. It suffocates under a pile of not-very-interesting subplots. Hordes of characters run around, and I can recall very few of their names, let alone any element of their personalities.

I can only describe it as a mess. I can’t even think of simple fixes for all this. If I was editing this, I would tear this whole story down to its very foundations and rebuild from there.

It irritates me, because I can see the skeleton of a potentially excellent story in here. There are some fun ideas and lots of potential for interesting twists and turns, but it’s all for naught.

It’s not that I do not enjoy a sprawling plot; I happen to be very fond of The Lord Of The Rings, and you don’t get much more sprawling than that. However, while those fantasy novels sprawl with purpose (for the most part), this story meanders about like a confused British tourist wandering a foreign grocery shop in search of teabags.

The other big problem is with the character development. This is a long serial. I will leave Steven and the Doctor alone, because they do seem changed by their experiences.

I am going to first pick on Sara. Here we have a woman who is so loyal to her superiors that she kills her own brother without question or remorse. Here is a woman who has been indoctrinated all her life to follow Chen. She is ruthless and deadly enough to have become the SSS’ top agent. Weighing all this in mind, does it sound like organic development to have her fully switch sides after one little scolding from some blokes she’s only just met? And a couple of episodes later, everyone, Sara included, seems to have forgotten about Bret.

Then there’s Mavic Chen. I’ve already covered the highly questionable makeup. For the most part, he was fine, if not terribly interesting. Great, he wants to rule the universe, him and every other B-movie villain out there. And then comes his decline. Well, I don’t think decline is the word. This isn’t a man spiraling as he desperately clings to power, it’s more like he swan-dives off the cliff of sanity.

Aside from that I don’t think there’s enough for me to chew on for me to talk about any other characters. There’s practically a revolving door of side-characters, of whom I can only remember Bret (who was pretty cool) and Katarina (who I definitely think was under-used). The Galactic Council seemed pointless to me. Chen was the only one among their number that the Daleks actually needed for access to the Taranium. I don’t know their names, and I couldn’t give a fig about it. They could have done with being cut from the serial entirely, or re-written to make them actually matter to the overall plot.

We’re not going to talk about the Christmas episode.

I think the Doctor sums it up best: it’s a waste. This serial could be so much better. I had high hopes after the unexpectedly dark and serious prologue episode Mission To The Unknown. I do admire the ambition and there’s a lot of creativity on display. Sadly, however, I think my favourite parts of the serial only came at the very end. I have a soft spot for the Monk (he’s just so much fun!), and the Time Destructor was awesome to behold. For the rest of the serial however I’m afraid that it rather fell short of my expectations.

At least you no longer have to listen to me moaning about it. We’ve got what looks to be a historical serial coming up next time, and I for one will be very glad for a change of pace.

2 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[January 18, 1966] New Discoveries of the Old (Out of the Unknown)

January 18, 2021 Kris Vyas-Myall Leave a comment

by Mx. Kris Vyas-Myall

Digging it

On the Ecuadorian coast, the Valdivia archeological site is creating a great stir in the academic world. Renowned American archeologists Clifford Evans and Betty Meggers (along with colleagues from the Smithsonian) have put out a paper in Scientific American claiming the artefacts on the site bear a strong resemblance to those from Japan in the same period (c. 3000 BC).

Clifford Evans and Betty Meggers — Meggers (L) & Evans (R)

This conclusion is disputed by other archeologists, who claim the finds are of native origin, but whichever is the truth it is likely to rewrite our historical understanding. If the site is Asian in origin it shows both an advanced degree of navigation and Asian influence on the development of the Americas millennia before the arrival of Europeans.

Ecuadorian Parrot Statue — Is this parrot figure a result of Japanese or native Ecuadorian culture?

Alternatively, if the site is indeed of native finds it will add to the continued evidence of a thriving advanced Americas at a time when Egypt was still trying to domesticate the camel.

Trying to rediscover and reinterpret is just as important in science fiction as it is in archeology. As such I was excited to discover Irene Shubik was reviving the format of ABC’s Out of This World for a series on BBC2, under the new title Out of the Unknown.

Travelling Into The Unknown

There are a couple differences between Unknown and World I want to point out before we start. Firstly, there is the obvious format point, that there is no longer a presenter to introduce each story as we usually expect on these anthology shows (although apparently a robot was considered for some time). More importantly are the stories themselves. Whilst World tended to choose faster paced stories more likely to entice the casual viewer (e.g. Asimov’s Little Lost Robot and Dick’s Impostor), Shubik seems to have selected more slower and meditative pieces, to really explore concepts.

As this is an archeological dig, I want to divide this series into three periods:

Episodes 1-4: An Emerging Concept

I think it is appropriate to start with the opening shot of the first episode (No Place Like Earth) of a lone human sailing across a sea on Mars to visit a native Martian. This divided viewers with some annoyed that the series was taking such an unscientific approach, whilst others loved the fairy tale quality of this fable. Personally, I was in the latter camp, just enjoying seeing something very different from the usual.

For those unimpressed with Wyndham, they got to enjoy The Counterfeit Man, which felt like a hangover from Shubik’s previous series. It is a tense tale of an alien impostor on a spaceship heading back to Earth and the attempts to discover who it could be. But there seemed little point to it other than atmosphere.

The same can be said of the first of the two original contributions to the series, A Stranger in the Family, which would probably not feel out of place in New Worlds magazine. Telling of a teenager with incredible psychic powers and the corrupt means to which they are put. It is certainly unnerving, but comes to naught except showing the corruption of power.

The final of this early quartet is The Dead Past from Shubik’s favorite writer, Issac Asimov. In this we get one of the best encapsulations of the strengths and flaws of the early period. It is a faithful adaptation of a problem story with a twist in the tail and gets across the themes of nostalgia and privacy, with good actors bringing it to life. However, it does not stray from the text by more than half an inch and the episode is largely just people debating ideas in front of dull backgrounds.

It is notable that with these four stories together you get many of the standard concepts used in science fiction writing. An Earth apocalypse, alien worlds, oppressive society, doppelgangers, spaceships, psychic powers, time travel, dangerous inventions and more.

If nothing else this gives viewers the vocabulary to help them through what is to come.

Episodes 5-8: The Dark Ages

Sucker Bait by Isaac Asimov – Dark in more ways than one

Unfortunately, this is where things start to go wrong.

There are some technical issues we need get out of the way. Halfway through the transmission of Time In Advance the broadcast cut out, and we were instead treated to some Joan Baez music whilst we waited for the problem fixed. Also, the lighting in much of Sucker Bait was just abominable, even on the new 625-line broadcast resolution, it was impossible to tell what was going on in some sections. I found I had to rely instead on the dialogue and I had trouble really understanding what was happening on screen.

However, the real problem with the stories selected and the direction the production team take them. Time In Advance by William Tenn is an inherently silly concept to begin with. What if you could serve time on a hazardous planet in exchange for a free pass for a future crime? The conclusion being, maybe the crime you committed wouldn’t go as planned. And whilst the technical issue above may have resulted in things being missed by myself, the whole logic played out in front of us seemed contrived.

The second original play also seems to have no direction to it. Come Buttercup, Come Daisy, Come…? is the story of a man obsessed with his tropical flowers, sent to him by a mysterious advert, which may be eating people… or he may just be mad. Neither conclusion would be satisfying nor make much sense. When silly spy comedy The Avengers does something better with the concept, you probably should take another look at your scripts.

Fox and Forest — The Fox and The Forest by Ray Bradbury – A significant lack of growth

However, the two worst offenders are from the two biggest names, Ray Bradbury and Isaac Asimov. Neither The Fox and The Forest, nor Sucker Bait have enough in the original text to justify their inclusion here. Bradbury’s piece is barely more than a vignette and Terry Nation seemed to think the best solution was just to keep stretching the plot out until the conclusion without adding anything more.

Sucker Bait, on the other hand, is a long novella, but the story is largely told through arguments in small rooms on a dingey spaceship. Whilst this may be fine for a piece of text (although I personally dislike the magazine serial) it does not make for compelling television. What is worse, the main character is a human computer, meaning most of the expositing we are getting is from someone meant to lack normal characteristics and mannerisms.

It would be easy to conclude at this point the series had fallen down without hope of getting up. However, after these missteps, something wonderful happens.

Episodes 9-12: The Renaissance

Andover and the Android and The Midas Plague succeed in a similar way. The writers (Bruce Stewart and Troy Kennedy Martin respectively) are much more willing to take liberties with the original stories to great effect and produce dark satirical comedies. Both of these episodes, I would argue, are better than the original texts. The Midas Plague, in particular, should be called out for its excellent use of modern maxims turned on their head to highlight the ridiculousness of our consumer society.

Our own John Boston gave the short story of Some Lapse of Time a four-star review and it is indeed an excellent choice to adapt, by combining a creepy atmosphere, an unfolding mystery and a single concept added into a contemporary society. However, this adaptation tightens up some of the looseness of the original story and Roger Jenkins excellent direction of the dream sequences really helps connect everything together.

Finally, Thirteen to Centaurus is a fantastic character piece, using largely the same story as was published in Amazing (which was given four stars by John once again) albeit with a different ending, we get to see the multiple twists in the tale unfold. But the excellent performances by Donald Houston and James Hunter, elevate this story into an excellent character study where we see power dynamics invert and their senses of reality change.

A Rich History

The Midas Plague by Frederik Pohl – Join the robots in toasting a successful first series

Overall, watching this series is like reading a great anthology. Not all stories will be to my tastes, but they are varied enough to complement each other and give a good picture of science fiction. A second season has already been commissioned, and so, just like with many of the other British anthologies that are ongoing, I look forward to the next release.

One last addendum, whilst the BBC appears to be hopeful of a US sale, others are not as optimistic. Isaac Asimov writing to Shubik:

It does make me long to see the show. I am terribly afraid that you haven’t made any of them sufficiently badly to interest American TV producers.

Let us hope The Good Doctor’s cynicism is not warranted and this gem of a series can be shared with the rest of the world.

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[January 10, 1966] Kingdom Come (Doctor Who: The Daleks’ Master Plan [Part 2])

January 10, 2021 Jessica Holmes Leave a comment

By Jessica Holmes

Hello, everyone! I hope everyone had a nice time over the holiday season, because I had to watch some pretty DULL television. Will this serial ever end?

COUNTER PLOT

To refresh your memories, we last saw the Doctor and Steven at an experimental station on Earth, where they’d come to attempt to warn humanity of the impending Dalek attack with their new ally, Bret Vyon. However, their luck ran out as they failed to find any allies. They were soon caught by the Space Security Service’s top agent, Sara Kingdom, who shot Bret in cold blood. Now the Doctor and Steven flee through the facility, pursued by Kingdom as they try to keep the Taranium core from landing in the Daleks’ clutches.

The pair run into a dead end, and Kingdom corners them in a large chamber. Large reflective dishes line the room, which also contains a weird mouse cage with all sorts of equipment attached to it. Meanwhile, a couple of scientists are about to start an experiment…

The picture distorts, the three’s faces disturbingly twisted in apparent agony… and then they’re gone. Where to? Far, far away.

Well that's absolutely terrifying.

Karlton (that was his name, right? Not ‘Baldylocks’, as I seem to have jotted down in my notes) comes to supervise the scientists as they confirm that the mice made it to their destination in one piece. He reports the good news to Mavic Chen, who is beginning to worry about the prospect of the Daleks turning on him. Karlton has an idea, however. They could always try putting a spin on it. What if they didn’t LOSE their prisoners, per se? Karlton's idea is to claim they did it on purpose. Now the fugitives can be dealt with without drawing the attention of any Earth authorities. Reassured, Chen gives a silly little villain speech. Something something Daleks, blah blah universal domination, extra ham and cheese.

Meanwhile, far, far away…

The Doctor wakes up on the planet Myra looking terribly confused but more or less fine. Not bad, given he was just taken apart atom by atom and then put back together again.

Something invisible and growly paws at an unconscious Kingdom, until Stephen leaps to his feet and wisely confiscates her weapon. The Doctor hears the invisible beast, and we get a glimpse of huge clawed footprints stamping through the sand. The three join up, and the Doctor sternly warns Kingdom that she better hadn’t get up to any funny business. Ever a pragmatist, Kingdom agrees to be on her best behavior.

The Daleks meanwhile are already moving to recapture them. They land on Myra, soon coming upon the mice in their cage.

Apparently Daleks have never seen a mouse before. When they first see the little furry friends their immediate assumption is that they may be hostile. It’s funny… until the Daleks blow the mice to kingdom come.

Meanwhile, the Doctor gets into a fight with a bush, and Stephen gives Kingdom a jolly good telling-off for killing Bret. Kingdom tries the old ‘just following orders’ excuse, which absolutely does not fly with Stephen, as well it shouldn’t. She feebly tries to tell him that the Taranium is for spreading galactic peace, so I guess she’s gullible as well as lacking in moral backbone. Or brainwashed, which might be the most likely case, given her revelation that Bret was her brother. Good grief, Sara. Talk about a sibling rivalry…

The Doctor tells them about the invisible monsters, and has more bad news: they’re surrounded.

Back with Chen, he’s thinking up a contingency plan. The combined forces of the Solar System might be able to destroy Kembel if it came down to it. It wouldn’t be universal domination, but he might be able to wield enough power to take control of the whole Milky Way, which is a start.

On Myra, the Doctor is guiding Stephen on how to take out an eight foot tall invisible monster when a Dalek turns up.

It appears that the Daleks have won.

CORONAS OF THE SUN

I did a double take when the titles for this episode came up, as it appears that Nation’s getting a little break this week, with Dennis Spooner taking his spot in the writer’s chair.

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Certain doom.

With the Doctor refusing to hand over the Taranium, the Daleks are about to open fire. Conveniently the invisible monsters choose that moment to attack, distracting the Daleks long enough for the fugitives to flee.

It’s an ingenious way to save on budget (no need for costuming or hiring additional actors!) but there's a big problem with having a fight with a bunch of monsters that aren’t actually visible. It's really boring to watch. It looks more like the Daleks getting into a tussle with some innocent bushes.

Back on Kembel, the Dalek commanders are growing impatient at the lack of progress. In a stunning display of leadership, the black Dalek orders another Dalek to order THOSE Daleks to retake the Taranium. Which is what they’re already trying to do. Is telling them again supposed to make them more successful? It’s like being nagged to do the dishes when you’re literally elbow deep in suds and soggy bits of potato skin. No wonder the Daleks are always so cross if their commanders are like this all the time.

The travellers come upon the Dalek ship, and in a stroke of luck (or plot convenience), there is only one Dalek on guard. The Doctor pretends to give himself up, as Steven and Kingdom sneak up behind the Dalek and slap mud on its eye-stalk. With the Dalek blinded, they steal the ship and fly off just as their pursuers realise what’s happened.

Wait.

I am getting the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Is Kingdom going to end up flying out of an airlock next?

Not yet knowing about this escape, the Daleks bring Mavic Chen in for a scolding. He tries to give them the spin Karlton came up with, but they aren’t having any of it. I have to give the man credit for having the guts to give a Dalek backtalk, as he points out that it wouldn’t be a problem if they hadn’t lost them in the first place. Then he even gets to gloat as the Daleks learn that the fugitives escaped yet again. This time the Daleks have nobody to blame but themselves.

En route back to Earth, the Doctor starts making a copy of the Taranium core to fool the Daleks. However, moments later the group hear a strange noise and find that their ship is changing course.

No, I haven’t got my notes mixed up from the last article. We’re just recycling plot points now.

Rather than landing on a prison planet, Steven averts a pointless plot diversion by ripping out the navigational component that’s controlling the ship. The Daleks won’t be stopped that easily, and use a magnet beam to start dragging them back.

Why didn’t you use that in the first place?

The Doctor completes his copy of the Taranium core, but without a charge it won’t fool the Daleks. However, Steven has the bright idea to plug it in to the ‘gravity force’ from the ship’s power centre. I have absolutely no idea what he is on about. I suppose it’s some science-fictiony power source. However, they don’t use this ‘gravity force’ any more, instead using ‘reliance power’. The others tell Steven he absolutely should not do anything of the sort, so naturally he goes ahead and deep fries himself.

Don’t worry, he’s not dead, but he’s stuck inside a force field. At least his idea did actually work, and the fake Taranium core is good to go.

The ship lands, and the three exit, Steven carrying the fake Taranium core. The Doctor insists that they do the handover outside the TARDIS. The Daleks, unwilling to risk losing the Taranium, agree. Seeing Chen with the Daleks, Kingdom calls him a traitor. Gee, it didn’t take long to break down a lifetime of brainwashing.

The Doctor and Kingdom head into the TARDIS, and Steven hands the Taranium core over. Because they’re rude, the Daleks immediately fire upon him.

Don’t worry, he’s still not dead.

Force field related accidents can have silver linings. The Dalek blasts have now destroyed the shield, but Steven is interested in investigating further. After all, it could be handy to have a Dalek-proof shield. The Doctor scolds him like a cross teacher for his folly.

The TARDIS lands somewhere else, but where? The scanner is broken, and according to the Doctor’s instruments the outside atmosphere is toxic.

Looks like we aren’t out of trouble yet.

THE FEAST OF STEVEN

Just so you know, we’re back with Nation again.

The gang land outside a police station on Earth, drawing the attention of the local bobbies, who are wondering where this box came from and who this funny little bloke is who just stepped out of it. The ‘toxic atmosphere’ is just modern air pollution, which is fairly accurate, if a little overdramatic.

Oh, and it’s Christmas. You can tell because the coppers on patrol are absolutely murdering Good King Wenceslas.

Steven steals a police uniform to rescue the Doctor from the coppers. Mildly comedic antics ensue as the police try to ascertain who the Doctor is and where he came from.

They manage to get away without too much hassle. In the meantime Kingdom repairs the scanner, narrowly avoiding an arrest on grounds of ‘loitering’ when a policeman catches her climbing all over the phone box. Piling into the TARDIS, they’re soon off again. When they next land they see a horrific sight outside: a dastardly villain is about to saw a woman in half!

That’s how it appears, anyway. They rush out to save her, only for it to become apparent that this is all just a big misunderstanding. They’re on a movie set! The three get separated in the ensuing uproar, with Steven being mistaken for a Keystone Kop, Kingdom hiding in a trunk, and the Doctor being mistaken for an expert on Arabian customs.

It’s a busy studio, that’s for sure.

Oh, and there’s a wild Charlie Chaplin wandering about the place.

The three do manage to find each other again, poor Steven and Sara being very confused about the whole affair, and the Doctor proclaiming “It’s a madhouse! It’s all full of Arabs.”

Honestly I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m baffled. It’s an oddly racist thing to come out of the Doctor’s mouth, apropos of nothing in particular.

After meeting Bing Crosby (don’t ask), the gang leave again, leaving everybody on set very impressed with the clever special effect. Safely on their way, the Doctor treats Steven and Sara to a little Christmas tipple.

…And then he turns to the camera and wishes a happy Christmas to everyone at home.

That was very weird and I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen. If you like, you can pretend this whole episode didn’t happen and lose nothing of value. It’s more entertaining than Monopoly, at least, but that’s not exactly high praise.

VOLCANO

Nation’s out, Spooner’s in. It’s getting hard to keep up with all this switching.

So, there’s Daleks in this serial. Remember them? Daleks don’t do Christmas, so they went right ahead and fitted the fake Taranium core into their Time Destructor. Chen’s in a smug mood. He's always in a smug mood, but right now he's extra smug.

The Daleks need a test subject for their device. To my disappointment they don’t pick Chen, but one of the other delegates, who actually volunteered for some reason.

Meanwhile, the Doctor realises that someone's following the TARDIS.

It doesn’t take the Daleks long to work out that the Time Destructor doesn’t work, and that the Doctor tricked them. Chen’s smugness melts away when the Daleks turn on him, but in a surprising display of patience they give him one last chance to lead a team of Daleks and pursue the Doctor by time machine– wait, haven’t I already seen this serial?

And now for some cricket. The commentators react to the sudden appearance of a police box on the field with little more than mild curiosity, even though it is the only interesting thing to have happened in a game of cricket since the invention of the sport.

Still, it is quite funny.

The TARDIS departs, and its next destination is an active volcano. Not to nitpick (as if I ever do anything else) but the air out there's probably a tad worse than a spot of smog. It’s a cool setting though and we’re not here for an impromptu vulcanology lecture, so I’ll let it slide.

Their pursuer shows up at last, and it’s not the Daleks, as you might suspect. No, it’s the Monk!

Nice to see him again, even though he’s up to no good as usual. He and the Doctor exchange pleasantries, and the Doctor doesn’t seem very surprised to see the Monk again. It’s all quite affable until the Monk says he locked the Doctor out of his TARDIS when nobody was looking. They laugh at first, then realise that the Monk was being serious. He’s still a bit touchy over the Doctor stranding him in 1066.

Still, it only takes about a minute for the Doctor to get back into the TARDIS. He uses that big ring he wears to do something vaguely sciency sounding that I’m quite sure is pure gibberish cooked up for plot convenience. Or maybe he just hit the door really hard and didn’t want to admit to using brute force.

With the Monk quite put out that the Doctor got away so easily, the gang departs. I think we’ll be seeing him again before very long.

Next stop: London, New Year’s Day, 1966. Time to raise a glass and mumble the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne (because who actually knows all the words?). With the Daleks tracking them, it might be the last new year any of our travellers see…

Final Thoughts

Well, large sections of that were a bit pointless, weren’t they? The serial continues to plod onwards, recycling plot points from earlier in the very same story. It now begins to feel like a retread of The Chase. I didn’t much care for The Chase, so my opinion on this serial continues to sour.

I find it very strange that everyone seemed to forget that Kingdom killed her own brother in cold blood. One moment Steven’s scolding Kingdom in the swamp, and the next they’re sharing a brandy after a little jaunt around Hollywood without a care in the world. The pacing and sense of urgency is all over the place. It’s becoming plainer with every episode that this story is terribly bloated and does not have enough ideas to fill its runtime.

I’m not even going to address the asides made directly to the audience.

Hopefully I’ll have a bit more nice to say next time, when I’ll have the benefit of looking at the big picture and seeing how it all fits together. Realistically speaking however, I think that might be too much to ask for.

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Movies, TV

[December 12, 1965] Something Old, something New (The Bishop's Wife and A Charlie Brown Christmas

December 12, 2020 Janice L. Newman 6 Comments

by Janice L. Newman

TV Christmas

The holidays are here! In other times and places, people gather or huddle around a bright, crackling fire, drinking hot cider and pressing close to keep out winter’s chill. In the Traveler’s house, here in Southern California in the year of 1965, we gather around a bright, staticky TV screen, watching movies and sipping Ovaltine as the Santa Ana winds bluster outside our windows.

And that is how we came to see a pair of Christmas-themed features on our small screen in the first half of December.

Devil or Angel

The first of our ad hoc double feature was The Bishop’s Wife, which my mom saw in the theater back in 1947, but which I’d skipped, thinking the movie might have an overly-religious tone. By the time I learned otherwise, the holidays were over and the movie was long gone. So when I saw in the TV Guide that it would be airing this season, I made sure to write it down on our family calendar.

The movie turned out to be surprising. Henry Brougham, an Episcopalian Bishop (David Niven), has become so obsessed with raising money to build a new cathedral that it’s left him out of touch with the things that really matter. He prays for guidance, and receives an answer in the form of one ‘Dudley’ (Cary Grant), who claims he was sent to help him. Rather than helping him coax the rich and powerful to open their purses, though, Dudley seems to spend most of his time with the Bishop’s wife (Loretta Young), taking her out to lunch, going skating with her, and making her smile even as her husband grows more and more frustrated and jealous.

It doesn’t sound much like a Christmas movie, does it? A story that revolves around an unhappy marriage, with a husband who thinks he’s being cuckolded (in a strictly emotional sense) by an angel doesn’t sound like family fare, let alone holiday material.

Yet, it was refreshing to have a holiday story that wasn’t cloying or heavy-handedly religious. Despite the title and the inescapable religious themes, Dudley comes across as something not quite like the traditional idea of an ‘angel’. He’s inarguably supernatural, but whether he’s actually angelic is questionable: at one point he suggests that he’s an alien from another planet, at another Henry tells him that he thinks he’s a demon, not an angel. It wouldn’t have been difficult to give the story a science fiction spin, making Dudley a man with telekinetic/telepathic powers and a delusion.

Not only that, but there is a startling element to Dudley’s character that suggests that angels – or whatever Dudley is – aren’t so far from humans as we might like to pretend.

While I don’t know that I would make this a staple of my holiday watching year after year, the bittersweet tale was both interesting and thought-provoking, though perhaps not in the way the author intended. It’s not perfect. The bishop is unlikeable enough and his wife’s character is flat enough to make their inevitable reconciliation not particularly satisfying. But Grant’s performance as Dudley is so compelling that it raises the story from mundanity to something worth watching. I give the movie three out of five stars.

Good Grief

The second program was a brand new one, though it was based on something that most people will likely be familiar with: the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip. A Charlie Brown Christmas premiered on December 9th, and we were there, gathered around the television to watch it.

If The Bishop’s Wife was surprising and refreshing, A Charlie Brown Christmas was distressing and disappointing. Perhaps I should have expected it; after all, the comic strip often features the characters treating each other with sarcasm, irritation, and even outright disgust.

Most of the ‘story’ was made up of a series of these strips, but animated. The anger and exasperation from the comic was carried onto the screen, with lines like, "Boy, are you stupid, Charlie Brown!," going from merely unpleasant to stomach-churning when voiced by what sounded like actual children.

The message of the short film – that Christmas is becoming over-commercialized and in order to get back the joy we’ve lost we need to remember the ‘true meaning’ of the holiday – was delivered with such a heavy hand that I felt bruised afterward. The self-righteous religiosity I’d skipped The Bishop’s Wife to avoid all seems to have ended up in this movie instead. And despite how mean the characters are throughout the story, the ending was cloying enough that I wanted to brush my teeth as the credits rolled.

However, the show did have three redeeming things that kept it from being unmitigatedly awful.

The first was Snoopy. The cheerful canine brightened the screen every moment he was on it. His antics ranged from decorating his dog house to try to win a neighborhood prize, to dancing on Schroeder’s piano, to hilariously imitating Lucy. Even his unrestrained joy was dampened by the other characters’ angry reactions to him, though.

The second was the music. One of the pieces was a particularly catchy, almost contrapuntal song played on the piano. With its quick tempo and memorable repeating throughline, I still have it stuck in my head! The rest of the music was pretty good, too. They clearly hired talented composers and musicians, and it showed.

The third is a little hard to describe. In the beginning of the story, Charlie Brown expresses something I think all adults have felt in their lives at one point or another: a feeling of being sad at Christmas, of not feeling how he’s ‘supposed’ to feel:

…I'm getting presents, and I'm sending Christmas cards, and decorating all the trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.

It’s a powerful sentiment. If it had been treated with a lighter touch, it could have made for a moving story: one that acknowledged the fact that the holidays can be a difficult and painful time for many of us, and in doing so, helped people recognize that their feelings were normal and they weren’t alone.

Of course, setting the tone for the entire show, Linus reacts to Charlie Brown’s feelings by yelling at him:

Charlie Brown, you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest!

"Just take a Miltown, stupid."

Like The Bishop’s Wife, A Charlie Brown Christmas doesn’t fit my idea of a Christmas movie. I’m not planning on circling it in the TV guide to re-watch if it airs again. But if they release one, I might just pick up the single of that catchy tune.

Two stars: one for Snoopy, and one for the music.

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Galactic Journey

Tag Archives: television

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[May 22 1966] O.K.? No Way! (Doctor Who: The Gunfighters)

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[April 24, 1966] Playtime’s Over (Doctor Who: The Celestial Toymaker)

[March 28, 1966] Typhoid Doctor (Doctor Who: The Ark)

[March 24, 1966] Dark Comedy and Birthday Wishes (a Tony Randall double feature)

[February 28, 1966] A Bloody Return To Form (Doctor Who: The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve)

[February 4 1966] What A Waste. What A Terrible Waste. (Doctor Who: The Daleks' Master Plan [Part 3])

[January 18, 1966] New Discoveries of the Old (Out of the Unknown)

[January 10, 1966] Kingdom Come (Doctor Who: The Daleks’ Master Plan [Part 2])

[December 12, 1965] Something Old, something New (The Bishop's Wife and A Charlie Brown Christmas

55 years ago: Science Fact and Fiction