Tag Archives: Dennis Spooner

[February 4 1966] What A Waste. What A Terrible Waste. (Doctor Who: The Daleks' Master Plan [Part 3])


By Jessica Holmes

There were times watching this serial when I began to wonder if I would ever be free. I began to fear that long after all has come to dust and the cockroaches inherit the Earth, I’ll still be there, sat in the rubble, praying for the Daleks to get on with it and put me out of my misery.

You might say I’m being overdramatic, and perhaps I am, but I can say with sincerity that I’m thankful this is the last article I have to write for this one serial.

GOLDEN DEATH

The Daleks in their time machine track the Doctor to the Old Kingdom of ancient Egypt, where he’s busy fiddling with the lock on his TARDIS, thinking that the Monk is still on his tail.

Steven notices the Dalek ship arrive at the building site of the Pyramids, and together with Sara goes to investigate. Unbeknownst to them, an Egyptian slave spots their coming, and hurries off to report it to his overseer.

The Doctor’s companions soon realise that it’s not the Monk who has just landed here, but the Daleks. They’re on their way to warn the Doctor when a gang of heavily-armed Egyptian soldiers ambush them.

The soldiers then attempt to accost the Daleks too, but bronze spears and bare chests are no match for ray-guns and armoured plating. The Daleks slaughter most of the soldiers, a small few managing to retreat and regroup.

Meanwhile, the Doctor finishes his repair work, puts on a stupid hat, and indulges in some sight-seeing. It’s not every day you get to see an ancient wonder under construction. He hears the familiar sound of a landing TARDIS, and sure enough out steps the Monk sporting a fashionable pair of sunglasses.

The Doctor then realises that if the Monk has only just landed, then the earlier landing must have been the Daleks!

The Egyptian guards tie Steven and Sara up in a hut, and then make the foolish decision to leave only one soldier to guard them while they go off to do something else.

Meanwhile the Monk to his displeasure comes upon the Daleks. It’s only by Mavic Chen’s intervention that the Daleks don’t immediately shoot him. Unlike the Daleks, Chen’s smart enough to notice that the Monk isn't local.

Chen presses the Monk for information, and the Monk tells him that he’s here to exact vengeance on the Doctor. With their interests aligned, Chen asks the Monk to gain the Doctor’s confidence and retrieve the Taranium core. The Monk agrees, though he doesn’t seem too eager about it.

While all that’s been going on, the Egyptian slaves have been stuffing Pharoah’s tomb full of treasures. The usual stuff like gold, jewels, fancy furniture, a certain police box…

The Monk starts searching for the Doctor, but he won’t find him anywhere near his TARDIS. No, the Doctor is playing mischief with the Monk’s ship. He strips out an important-looking component, and also fiddles with the ship’s cloaking device to make it look like a police box. It’s partly to confuse the Daleks, but I like to think that it’s mostly just because it’s funny to mess with the Monk.

Sara manages to untie herself and Steven, and they take the guards by surprise. Steven's impressed with how good Sara is in a fight. Well, I should hope so, given that killing people was basically her job for much of her life.

The Doctor confronts the Monk in Pharoah’s tomb, and the Monk ‘warns’ the Doctor about the Daleks, urging him to hand over the Taranium before someone gets hurt. The Doctor responds only with a laugh as he advances on him.

Steven and Sara arrive some time later to find no sign of the Doctor. As they wonder what has become of him, a nearby sarcophagus slides open, and a figure wrapped in cloth begins to emerge…

ESCAPE SWITCH

Steven and Sara look on in amazement as a groaning figure emerges from the great stone coffin. Is it the mummy’s curse? Nah, it’s the Monk!

But if he’s here, where’s the Doctor?

Steven and Sara help the Monk out of his wrappings as he claims that he was only trying to warn the Doctor. Oh, and he’s coming down with a bit of a headache, so if Steven could just open the TARDIS door for him that would be very much appreciated. Steven wasn’t born yesterday, so they take the Monk with them to look for the Doctor.

Rather than the Doctor, they end up finding Chen and the Daleks. The Monk wastes no time turning his coat once again and offering Steven and Sara as hostages to draw the Doctor in.

Meanwhile, the Egyptians realise their prisoners have gone missing, but can’t go after them without risking the war machines.

On the Dalek ship with Steven and Sara, the Monk explains to the irate pair that he didn’t actually betray them. The Daleks were about to kill them all, so the Monk offering them as hostages kept them alive for just a few more minutes. It’s certainly plausible, but I can’t blame Steven and Sara for not wanting to trust him as far as they could throw him.

Chen broadcasts an ultimatum from the Dalek ship, ordering the Doctor to come running pronto with the Taranium, or else.

Left with no choice, the Doctor comes to meet the Daleks, and sets up a rendezvous where he’ll hand over the core in exchange for the release of all prisoners, including the Monk. One Dalek only, no bloodshed needed. Of course the Daleks are bad at following instructions as several turn up to the meeting.

However, the Egyptians, having also heard the message, have plans of their own.

The Doctor insists the prisoners be set free first, to which the Daleks agree. He then hands the Taranium over to Chen, running for cover just as the Egyptians attack the Daleks from behind. You can’t fault them for bravery, I suppose.

It doesn’t go brilliantly for the Egyptians, but they do manage to trap one Dalek and encase it in bricks, and the whole stunt creates enough of a distraction for the Doctor and his companions to slip away and regroup. They’ve lost the Taranium core, but on the plus side the Doctor stole the directional unit from the Monk’s TARDIS, so they have a chance of getting back to Kembel and stopping the Daleks once and for all.

The Monk gets back to his own TARDIS, getting safely away from the Daleks. Good for him, he’s much too fun to kill off. He does end up stranded in some frozen wasteland though, so I doubt we'll be seeing him any time soon.

The Daleks are initially frothing at the mouth to catch the Doctor, but Chen points out to the short-tempered tin cans that they have what they came to get.

The Doctor installs the stolen component to his own TARDIS, unsure if it will work, as the Monk has a more up-to-date model. Still, it’s the best chance they have, so he bids Steven to throw the switch–

And the control room vanishes in a flash of blinding white light.

THE ABANDONED PLANET

The Daleks return victorious to Kembel, accompanied by an insufferably smug Chen. The Doctor meanwhile fears that the directional unit has failed to get them where they need to go.  We’re spared a plot derailment by the realisation that the view outside looks an awful lot like Kembel, so it would seem they made it after all.

Imagine how much longer this serial would be if they hadn’t. It’d probably be another three episodes at least.

Now for the most exciting thing in the world: a cabinet meeting! The Galactic Council convenes to have a good natter and complain and grumble at each other. They note the absence of Chen and are about to kick him out of the Evil Aliens Club when he swans in acting like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. His Imperial Smugness proceeds to be so insufferable that the gang are on the verge of tearing him apart with their bare hands/claws/tentacles. Then he shoots one of them dead. Not the best way to make friends, I’d have thought.

Outside, Steven and Sara traverse the jungle, noting that there don’t seem to be any Varga plants around, and no Daleks either for that matter. Where could they have disappeared to?

Chen manages to get the Council to sit down and shut up, and they’re about to start discussing the matter of sharing power after the invasion (bit last-minute to be discussing that, I would have thought) when the Daleks show up and spoil the party.

Steven and Sara double back to the TARDIS, but the Doctor’s nowhere to be found. They go back again to look for the Dalek city. Well, that was a bit pointless.

The Daleks have taken the Council into custody, and are planning to destroy the city as they start their conquest. I’m not really sure why. If they want the Council dead they could just shoot them. They’re in a cell; it’d be like shooting rats in a bucket. Not that I’d ever do that, of course. I like rats.

Steven and Sara find the city apparently abandoned. They manage to just walk right in all the way to the central control room where the Dalek time machine sits unattended. Thinking that the Daleks must have the Doctor, they plan to commandeer the machine (never mind that they can’t work the thing) and use it as leverage to get him back. However, their message reaches not the Daleks, but the imprisoned Council. It took them a while to find a scrap of moral backbone, but by the time Steven and Sara reach them they’re eager to mobilise against the Daleks and defend their galaxies.

Steven and Sara agree to release them, and they all scurry off as fast as their spaceships can carry them, all except for one… Chen. They’re wondering what’s taking him so long when his ship blows up shortly after takeoff.

I was ready to throw a brick through the television at this point. I was not going to let them kill Chen without me even getting to see the look on his face.

With Chen apparently out of the picture and the Doctor nowhere to be found, it’s up to Steven and Sara to find a way to stop the Daleks. They spot a lone Dalek entering an underground tunnel, and are about to go after it when Chen shows up alive and well and carrying a gun.

Still planning on being the master of the universe, Chen orders Steven and Sara into the underground base.

DESTRUCTION OF TIME

Chen reveals to Steven that he too came back to find the Doctor. Not out of any sense of altruism, mind you. He believes the Doctor seeks to usurp Chen’s position with the Daleks. Chen, they threw you in a cell. You don’t have a position with the Daleks any more.

They get themselves taken prisoner very quickly.  Unlike the above ground city, the underground base is very much occupied. Because he hasn’t realised that to the Daleks he’s nothing more than a useful idiot, Chen gets his knickers in a twist because these are HIS prisoners. Apparently humouring him, the Daleks tell Chen to escort ‘his’ prisoners to the Dalek Supreme.

In a move that comes as a shock only to Chen, the Dalek Supreme states that their alliance has ended. When Chen gets it into his head to start ordering the Daleks around as if he himself was their leader, they completely ignore him. Growing desperate, he shoots at the Dalek Supreme. It doesn't work.

Finally realising how much trouble he’s in, Chen runs for his life, yelling some nonsense about being immortal. Guess the pressure finally got to him.

The Doctor finally turns up, emerging from the shadows like some film noir hero. He hands Steven the key to the TARDIS, urging him to take Sara there once he gives the signal. Why? He’s going to activate the Time Destructor.

The Daleks catch up to Mavic Chen and finally wipe the smug look off his face, shooting him dead and leaving his corpse in the corridor. They come back to find the Doctor tinkering with the Time Destructor, realising with horror that they can’t fire on him without destroying it.

Using a Dalek as a shield, the Doctor and his companions back towards the exit. Once they’re out, the Doctor tells Steven and Sara to run. Steven obeys without a second thought (gee, thanks) but Sara stops, unwilling to leave the Doctor to his fate.

Sara and the Doctor make their way to the TARDIS, carrying the activated Time Destructor, as the Daleks make their pursuit.

Steven makes it safely back, but the Time Destructor is taking its toll on the Doctor and Sara. In a matter of minutes, Sara appears to have aged several decades. The Doctor doesn’t seem to be as badly affected, but perhaps that’s because he is already fairly old.

Over the next few cuts, Sara looks older and older in each one, horrifyingly withering away before our eyes.

Severely weakened by the device, the Doctor drops it, and moments later the lush forest is reduced to a barren waste. Seeing the pair on the TARDIS scanner, Steven comes running out to help, but despite his efforts he cannot deactivate the Time Destructor. Nearby, he finds Sara’s skeletal remains, moments before they crumble away into dust.

Now that’s what I call scary! Where has THIS been all serial? Sure the Daleks can zap you and that’s not much fun but it doesn’t really evoke the true horror of the Time Destructor. It’s an awesome superweapon and I’m a bit disappointed it gets as little screen time as it does.

Somehow the Doctor is still alive, which leads me to wonder if he has a much longer natural lifespan than Sara. We know he’s technically an alien, because he isn’t from Earth, but how alien?

He’s not pleased to see Steven outside the TARDIS, and yells at him to get back in before he gets himself killed. Starting to feel better, the Doctor manages to return to the TARDIS, and is virtually back to normal once he makes it inside. However, outside the Time Destructor is still working its purpose, but time is no longer flowing faster than it should. It’s flowing backwards.

The Daleks catch up, and they too attempt to destroy the Time Destructor, to no avail, as it strips away their armour, aging them down, down, down until there’s nothing left but jellyfish-like Dalek embryos writhing in agony in the dust.

I should make a list of the most disturbing fates ever to befall a character on Doctor Who. This would go at the top, I think.

The device finally ceases to work, the Taranium core having burnt itself out. The Doctor and Steven emerge from the TARDIS to survey the damage. There’s absolutely nothing left outside. Alone in the desolate wastes, they mourn Sara, wishing that she could have seen the destruction of the Daleks. Steven is more than ready to leave, having made and then lost so many friends in this fight against the Daleks. Somberly, the Doctor agrees.

“What a waste. What a terrible waste.”

You said it, Doc.

Final Thoughts

We made it! The road was long and hard, and oh how we suffered. Well, I did most of the suffering. You just read about it.

Where do I even begin?

I think the most obvious thing to address is how ridiculously bloated this serial is. It desperately needed vast structural edits, and while I know television is made on a tight schedule, it would have been better to push the serial back to later in the series if it needed more time to fix. The plot meanders, doubles back on itself, and sometimes plain goes missing for whole episodes at a time. It suffocates under a pile of not-very-interesting subplots. Hordes of characters run around, and I can recall very few of their names, let alone any element of their personalities.

I can only describe it as a mess. I can’t even think of simple fixes for all this. If I was editing this, I would tear this whole story down to its very foundations and rebuild from there.

It irritates me, because I can see the skeleton of a potentially excellent story in here. There are some fun ideas and lots of potential for interesting twists and turns, but it’s all for naught.

It’s not that I do not enjoy a sprawling plot; I happen to be very fond of The Lord Of The Rings, and you don’t get much more sprawling than that. However, while those fantasy novels sprawl with purpose (for the most part), this story meanders about like a confused British tourist wandering a foreign grocery shop in search of teabags.

The other big problem is with the character development. This is a long serial. I will leave Steven and the Doctor alone, because they do seem changed by their experiences.

I am going to first pick on Sara. Here we have a woman who is so loyal to her superiors that she kills her own brother without question or remorse. Here is a woman who has been indoctrinated all her life to follow Chen. She is ruthless and deadly enough to have become the SSS’ top agent. Weighing all this in mind, does it sound like organic development to have her fully switch sides after one little scolding from some blokes she’s only just met? And a couple of episodes later, everyone, Sara included, seems to have forgotten about Bret.

Then there’s Mavic Chen. I’ve already covered the highly questionable makeup. For the most part, he was fine, if not terribly interesting. Great, he wants to rule the universe, him and every other B-movie villain out there. And then comes his decline. Well, I don’t think decline is the word. This isn’t a man spiraling as he desperately clings to power, it’s more like he swan-dives off the cliff of sanity.

Aside from that I don’t think there’s enough for me to chew on for me to talk about any other characters. There’s practically a revolving door of side-characters, of whom I can only remember Bret (who was pretty cool) and Katarina (who I definitely think was under-used). The Galactic Council seemed pointless to me. Chen was the only one among their number that the Daleks actually needed for access to the Taranium. I don’t know their names, and I couldn’t give a fig about it. They could have done with being cut from the serial entirely, or re-written to make them actually matter to the overall plot.

We’re not going to talk about the Christmas episode.

I think the Doctor sums it up best: it’s a waste. This serial could be so much better. I had high hopes after the unexpectedly dark and serious prologue episode Mission To The Unknown. I do admire the ambition and there’s a lot of creativity on display. Sadly, however, I think my favourite parts of the serial only came at the very end. I have a soft spot for the Monk (he’s just so much fun!), and the Time Destructor was awesome to behold. For the rest of the serial however I’m afraid that it rather fell short of my expectations.

At least you no longer have to listen to me moaning about it. We’ve got what looks to be a historical serial coming up next time, and I for one will be very glad for a change of pace.

2 out of 5 stars




[January 10, 1966] Kingdom Come (Doctor Who: The Daleks’ Master Plan [Part 2])


By Jessica Holmes

Hello, everyone! I hope everyone had a nice time over the holiday season, because I had to watch some pretty DULL television. Will this serial ever end?

COUNTER PLOT

To refresh your memories, we last saw the Doctor and Steven at an experimental station on Earth, where they’d come to attempt to warn humanity of the impending Dalek attack with their new ally, Bret Vyon. However, their luck ran out as they failed to find any allies. They were soon caught by the Space Security Service’s top agent, Sara Kingdom, who shot Bret in cold blood. Now the Doctor and Steven flee through the facility, pursued by Kingdom as they try to keep the Taranium core from landing in the Daleks’ clutches.

The pair run into a dead end, and Kingdom corners them in a large chamber. Large reflective dishes line the room, which also contains a weird mouse cage with all sorts of equipment attached to it. Meanwhile, a couple of scientists are about to start an experiment…

The picture distorts, the three’s faces disturbingly twisted in apparent agony… and then they’re gone. Where to? Far, far away.


Well that's absolutely terrifying.

Karlton (that was his name, right? Not ‘Baldylocks’, as I seem to have jotted down in my notes) comes to supervise the scientists as they confirm that the mice made it to their destination in one piece. He reports the good news to Mavic Chen, who is beginning to worry about the prospect of the Daleks turning on him. Karlton has an idea, however. They could always try putting a spin on it. What if they didn’t LOSE their prisoners, per se? Karlton's idea is to claim they did it on purpose. Now the fugitives can be dealt with without drawing the attention of any Earth authorities. Reassured, Chen gives a silly little villain speech. Something something Daleks, blah blah universal domination, extra ham and cheese.

Meanwhile, far, far away…

The Doctor wakes up on the planet Myra looking terribly confused but more or less fine. Not bad, given he was just taken apart atom by atom and then put back together again.

Something invisible and growly paws at an unconscious Kingdom, until Stephen leaps to his feet and wisely confiscates her weapon. The Doctor hears the invisible beast, and we get a glimpse of huge clawed footprints stamping through the sand. The three join up, and the Doctor sternly warns Kingdom that she better hadn’t get up to any funny business. Ever a pragmatist, Kingdom agrees to be on her best behavior.

The Daleks meanwhile are already moving to recapture them. They land on Myra, soon coming upon the mice in their cage.

Apparently Daleks have never seen a mouse before. When they first see the little furry friends their immediate assumption is that they may be hostile. It’s funny… until the Daleks blow the mice to kingdom come.

Meanwhile, the Doctor gets into a fight with a bush, and Stephen gives Kingdom a jolly good telling-off for killing Bret. Kingdom tries the old ‘just following orders’ excuse, which absolutely does not fly with Stephen, as well it shouldn’t. She feebly tries to tell him that the Taranium is for spreading galactic peace, so I guess she’s gullible as well as lacking in moral backbone. Or brainwashed, which might be the most likely case, given her revelation that Bret was her brother. Good grief, Sara. Talk about a sibling rivalry…

The Doctor tells them about the invisible monsters, and has more bad news: they’re surrounded.

Back with Chen, he’s thinking up a contingency plan. The combined forces of the Solar System might be able to destroy Kembel if it came down to it. It wouldn’t be universal domination, but he might be able to wield enough power to take control of the whole Milky Way, which is a start.

On Myra, the Doctor is guiding Stephen on how to take out an eight foot tall invisible monster when a Dalek turns up.

It appears that the Daleks have won.

CORONAS OF THE SUN

I did a double take when the titles for this episode came up, as it appears that Nation’s getting a little break this week, with Dennis Spooner taking his spot in the writer’s chair.

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Certain doom.

With the Doctor refusing to hand over the Taranium, the Daleks are about to open fire. Conveniently the invisible monsters choose that moment to attack, distracting the Daleks long enough for the fugitives to flee.

It’s an ingenious way to save on budget (no need for costuming or hiring additional actors!) but there's a big problem with having a fight with a bunch of monsters that aren’t actually visible. It's really boring to watch.  It looks more like the Daleks getting into a tussle with some innocent bushes.

Back on Kembel, the Dalek commanders are growing impatient at the lack of progress. In a stunning display of leadership, the black Dalek orders another Dalek to order THOSE Daleks to retake the Taranium. Which is what they’re already trying to do. Is telling them again supposed to make them more successful? It’s like being nagged to do the dishes when you’re literally elbow deep in suds and soggy bits of potato skin. No wonder the Daleks are always so cross if their commanders are like this all the time.

The travellers come upon the Dalek ship, and in a stroke of luck (or plot convenience), there is only one Dalek on guard. The Doctor pretends to give himself up, as Steven and Kingdom sneak up behind the Dalek and slap mud on its eye-stalk. With the Dalek blinded, they steal the ship and fly off just as their pursuers realise what’s happened.

Wait.

I am getting the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Is Kingdom going to end up flying out of an airlock next?

Not yet knowing about this escape, the Daleks bring Mavic Chen in for a scolding. He tries to give them the spin Karlton came up with, but they aren’t having any of it. I have to give the man credit for having the guts to give a Dalek backtalk, as he points out that it wouldn’t be a problem if they hadn’t lost them in the first place. Then he even gets to gloat as the Daleks learn that the fugitives escaped yet again. This time the Daleks have nobody to blame but themselves.

En route back to Earth, the Doctor starts making a copy of the Taranium core to fool the Daleks. However, moments later the group hear a strange noise and find that their ship is changing course.

No, I haven’t got my notes mixed up from the last article. We’re just recycling plot points now.

Rather than landing on a prison planet, Steven averts a pointless plot diversion by ripping out the navigational component that’s controlling the ship. The Daleks won’t be stopped that easily, and use a magnet beam to start dragging them back.

Why didn’t you use that in the first place?

The Doctor completes his copy of the Taranium core, but without a charge it won’t fool the Daleks. However, Steven has the bright idea to plug it in to the ‘gravity force’ from the ship’s power centre. I have absolutely no idea what he is on about. I suppose it’s some science-fictiony power source. However, they don’t use this ‘gravity force’ any more, instead using ‘reliance power’. The others tell Steven he absolutely should not do anything of the sort, so naturally he goes ahead and deep fries himself.

Don’t worry, he’s not dead, but he’s stuck inside a force field. At least his idea did actually work, and the fake Taranium core is good to go.

The ship lands, and the three exit, Steven carrying the fake Taranium core. The Doctor insists that they do the handover outside the TARDIS. The Daleks, unwilling to risk losing the Taranium, agree. Seeing Chen with the Daleks, Kingdom calls him a traitor. Gee, it didn’t take long to break down a lifetime of brainwashing.

The Doctor and Kingdom head into the TARDIS, and Steven hands the Taranium core over. Because they’re rude, the Daleks immediately fire upon him.

Don’t worry, he’s still not dead.

Force field related accidents can have silver linings. The Dalek blasts have now destroyed the shield, but Steven is interested in investigating further. After all, it could be handy to have a Dalek-proof shield. The Doctor scolds him like a cross teacher for his folly.

The TARDIS lands somewhere else, but where? The scanner is broken, and according to the Doctor’s instruments the outside atmosphere is toxic.

Looks like we aren’t out of trouble yet.

THE FEAST OF STEVEN

Just so you know, we’re back with Nation again.

The gang land outside a police station on Earth, drawing the attention of the local bobbies, who are wondering where this box came from and who this funny little bloke is who just stepped out of it. The ‘toxic atmosphere’ is just modern air pollution, which is fairly accurate, if a little overdramatic.

Oh, and it’s Christmas. You can tell because the coppers on patrol are absolutely murdering Good King Wenceslas.

Steven steals a police uniform to rescue the Doctor from the coppers. Mildly comedic antics ensue as the police try to ascertain who the Doctor is and where he came from.

They manage to get away without too much hassle. In the meantime Kingdom repairs the scanner, narrowly avoiding an arrest on grounds of ‘loitering’ when a policeman catches her climbing all over the phone box. Piling into the TARDIS, they’re soon off again. When they next land they see a horrific sight outside: a dastardly villain is about to saw a woman in half!

That’s how it appears, anyway. They rush out to save her, only for it to become apparent that this is all just a big misunderstanding. They’re on a movie set! The three get separated in the ensuing uproar, with Steven being mistaken for a Keystone Kop, Kingdom hiding in a trunk, and the Doctor being mistaken for an expert on Arabian customs.

It’s a busy studio, that’s for sure.

Oh, and there’s a wild Charlie Chaplin wandering about the place.

The three do manage to find each other again, poor Steven and Sara being very confused about the whole affair, and the Doctor proclaiming “It’s a madhouse! It’s all full of Arabs.”

Honestly I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m baffled. It’s an oddly racist thing to come out of the Doctor’s mouth, apropos of nothing in particular.

After meeting Bing Crosby (don’t ask), the gang leave again, leaving everybody on set very impressed with the clever special effect. Safely on their way, the Doctor treats Steven and Sara to a little Christmas tipple.

…And then he turns to the camera and wishes a happy Christmas to everyone at home.

That was very weird and I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen. If you like, you can pretend this whole episode didn’t happen and lose nothing of value. It’s more entertaining than Monopoly, at least, but that’s not exactly high praise.

VOLCANO

Nation’s out, Spooner’s in. It’s getting hard to keep up with all this switching.

So, there’s Daleks in this serial. Remember them? Daleks don’t do Christmas, so they went right ahead and fitted the fake Taranium core into their Time Destructor. Chen’s in a smug mood. He's always in a smug mood, but right now he's extra smug.

The Daleks need a test subject for their device. To my disappointment they don’t pick Chen, but one of the other delegates, who actually volunteered for some reason.

Meanwhile, the Doctor realises that someone's following the TARDIS.

It doesn’t take the Daleks long to work out that the Time Destructor doesn’t work, and that the Doctor tricked them. Chen’s smugness melts away when the Daleks turn on him, but in a surprising display of patience they give him one last chance to lead a team of Daleks and pursue the Doctor by time machine– wait, haven’t I already seen this serial?

And now for some cricket. The commentators react to the sudden appearance of a police box on the field with little more than mild curiosity, even though it is the only interesting thing to have happened in a game of cricket since the invention of the sport.

Still, it is quite funny.

The TARDIS departs, and its next destination is an active volcano. Not to nitpick (as if I ever do anything else) but the air out there's probably a tad worse than a spot of smog. It’s a cool setting though and we’re not here for an impromptu vulcanology lecture, so I’ll let it slide.

Their pursuer shows up at last, and it’s not the Daleks, as you might suspect. No, it’s the Monk!

Nice to see him again, even though he’s up to no good as usual.  He and the Doctor exchange pleasantries, and the Doctor doesn’t seem very surprised to see the Monk again. It’s all quite affable until the Monk says he locked the Doctor out of his TARDIS when nobody was looking. They laugh at first, then realise that the Monk was being serious. He’s still a bit touchy over the Doctor stranding him in 1066.

Still, it only takes about a minute for the Doctor to get back into the TARDIS. He uses that big ring he wears to do something vaguely sciency sounding that I’m quite sure is pure gibberish cooked up for plot convenience. Or maybe he just hit the door really hard and didn’t want to admit to using brute force.

With the Monk quite put out that the Doctor got away so easily, the gang departs. I think we’ll be seeing him again before very long.

Next stop: London, New Year’s Day, 1966. Time to raise a glass and mumble the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne (because who actually knows all the words?). With the Daleks tracking them, it might be the last new year any of our travellers see…

Final Thoughts

Well, large sections of that were a bit pointless, weren’t they? The serial continues to plod onwards, recycling plot points from earlier in the very same story. It now begins to feel like a retread of The Chase. I didn’t much care for The Chase, so my opinion on this serial continues to sour.

I find it very strange that everyone seemed to forget that Kingdom killed her own brother in cold blood. One moment Steven’s scolding Kingdom in the swamp, and the next they’re sharing a brandy after a little jaunt around Hollywood without a care in the world. The pacing and sense of urgency is all over the place. It’s becoming plainer with every episode that this story is terribly bloated and does not have enough ideas to fill its runtime.

I’m not even going to address the asides made directly to the audience.

Hopefully I’ll have a bit more nice to say next time, when I’ll have the benefit of looking at the big picture and seeing how it all fits together. Realistically speaking however, I think that might be too much to ask for.




[July 26, 1965] Too much Monk-y Business (Doctor Who: The Time Meddler)


By Jessica Holmes

Hello, everyone! Following the harrowing experience inflicted upon me earlier this month, with The Chase proving to be a disappointment, and the affront to my very soul that was Dr. Who And The Daleks, I had begun to fear that I would never recover. However, The Time Meddler has been a balm for my poor soul. Dennis Spooner, thank you. Thank you for giving me some Doctor Who that I can genuinely enjoy.

Text reads: The Watcher

THE WATCHER

The TARDIS feels a lot emptier without Ian and Barbara, that’s for sure. However, Vicki and the Doctor soon realise they aren’t alone, and find Steven Taylor from the previous serial in their living quarters.

The Doctor doesn’t look one bit impressed with his stowaway. It doesn’t help that Steven keeps referring to the Doctor as ‘Doc’. Who does he think The Doctor is? One of the seven dwarfs?

Img description: Steven stands in the foreground. In the background, the Doctor uses his coat as a shield and Vicki wields a shoe.
I love their choice of tools for self-defence.

The TARDIS materialises at the base of a coastal cliff, its arrival spotted by a monk up on the clifftop, who regards the box with a strange sense of understanding.

Before we can get to that, however, the Doctor and Vicki had better show Steven the ropes, the Doctor rattling off the names of every bit of kit in the control room, including the furniture for the sake of facetiousness.

Steven accepts that the TARDIS is bigger on the inside, but refuses to believe that it’s a time machine. Mate, you literally just came from a planet populated by walking mushrooms where you were held captive by Christmas tree baubles until a bunch of angry pepperpots turned up. Does time travel sound any more absurd to you?

Ticked off, the Doctor decides to prove to Steven that his ship really can time travel.

Image description: Two men and a woman. All are dressed as medieval peasants.

Meanwhile, in a village nearby, a bunch of unwashed peasants are discussing the mysterious box that just washed up on the beach. A couple of the men decide to go and look for it.

On the beach, Vicki finds an affront to history. Sorry, I mean she finds a Viking helmet. With horns on.

The Doctor sarcastically asks Steven if he thinks it’s actually a space helmet for a cow, seeing as he still refuses to accept it as an authentic Viking helmet.

Image description: Vicki and the Doctor stand in front of the TARDIS. The Doctor is holding a horned Viking helmet
Frankly, he’s absolutely right for the wrong reasons. Vikings did not wear horned helmets – not to battle, at the very least. Just think how impractical it would be.

I think the Space Cow explanation is quite a bit more likely.

The group decide to go exploring a bit and see if they can prove to Steven that they really have time-travelled, because apparently an actual Viking helmet wasn’t good enough.

I rather enjoy Steven and the Doctor taking sarcastic jabs at each other. It’s quite funny. I’m really warming to Steven in general, actually.

Once the group moves off, the Doctor going one way and Steven going another with Vicki, the monk from the clifftop approaches the ship and attempts to get inside, thankfully to no avail.

Image description: The Monk listens at the door of the TARDIS

The Doctor eventually arrives at the village and meets a woman, Edith, who gives him a horn of mead once her initial caution wears off. Through a little discussion, the Doctor manages to glean that King Edward died earlier this year, making Harold Godwinson the new king. Much to the Doctor’s delight, he realises that must mean it’s 1066.

And the absence of a history teacher doesn’t mean we don’t get History Lesson Time, as the Doctor talks to himself (while mugging into the camera) about the soon-to-come invasion of Harald Hardrada, and then William the Conqueror.

Image description: Edith and the Doctor sit together.

The village is not far from the Monk’s monastery, the rhythmic chanting easily audible from Edith’s house. However, as the Doctor listens, the singing slows, distorting as it stops…rather like stopping a record.

Well, something dodgy is going on here.

He asks Edith, and she tells him she’s never actually seen the monks at the monastery, which had been abandoned for years until recently, but she hears them often.

Could it be that the Doctor isn’t the only one around here that doesn’t belong?

Steven and Vicki stop to rest, having got themselves lost. They spot a man, who finds something shiny on the ground, and against Vicki’s advice Steven jumps up and tackles him, having apparently forgotten his manners after two years of isolation. I wouldn’t have thought ‘rugby-tackling people is considered impolite’ would be an easy thing to forget, but I’ve never been marooned anywhere.

Image description: Steven holds up a wristwatch. Vicki is looking at it.

Steven manages to wrest the mysterious shiny object from the man’s hands, and makes an interesting discovery: it’s a wristwatch.

The Doctor travels up to the monastery and follows the sound of the singing, tracing it to a gramophone record player. However, he pays for his curiosity as a cage door comes down on him, trapping him as the Monk arrives to laugh at his misfortune.

This is pretty interesting so far. Consider my curiosity piqued.

Image description: The Doctor stands behind wooden bars. The monk looks in at him.

THE MEDDLING MONK

The Monk takes the Doctor prisoner, but he’s nice enough to bring the Doctor quite a decent breakfast in the morning, prepared with some very anachronistic kitchen appliances, like a toaster. Elsewhere, Vicki and Steven come under attack in the woods, the Anglo-Saxon men springing from the bushes to capture these strangers.

To be fair, there is the looming threat of invasion. In fact, the first party of Vikings is already approaching. The Monk seems to have been anticipating their arrival.

Image description: Vicki and Steven with three Saxon peasants.

The Saxons take Vicki and Steven, who is finally starting to believe that he really has travelled back in time, back to their village, where the headman, Edith’s husband, stops them doing anything rash for long enough for Edith to inquire if they’re looking for an elderly man with long white hair.

Vicki and Steven answer in the affirmative, and the headman lets them go, satisfied that they’re just travellers, sending them on their way with a pack of provisions.

Image description: The Viking leader wearing an elaborate helmet topped with an eagle. In the background, another Viking is hidden behind a decorated shield.
Do you think he knows how silly he looks? Also, I can't find any similar helmets in my research, so this may be silly AND inaccurate.

A band of Vikings come ashore close by. Strictly speaking, we should call them Norsemen, seeing as they’re here to scout ahead for the rest of the fleet, and not to go viking, which is more of a job than a culture. Being pedantic is a hobby of mine.

Vicki and Steven reach the monastery, where they meet the Monk, who claims to have seen no sign of the Doctor. If that’s true, then, how is it that he rattles off a perfect description of the man when nobody has even told him what the Doctor looks like?

Vicki is suspicious, however, thinking that he gave himself away far too easily. Steven wants to break into the monastery right then and there, but Vicki cautions him that that is probably exactly what the Monk wants them to do, so they wait until nightfall.

Image description: Edith's husband and another woman look down on Edith as she lies down. She appears traumatised.

With nightfall comes the arrival of the Vikings to the little village, and poor Edith, alone at home, bears the brunt of their brutality. They don’t kill her, and it’s not shown on screen what they did to her, but her husband finds her virtually catatonic from the trauma, so I think we can make an educated guess as to the implication.

Hopefully it will just fly over the younger viewers’ heads.

Edith manages to come around a bit and tells the others that it was the Vikings, and the men ready themselves to track Edith’s attackers down. It doesn’t take long, and a very unconvincing brawl ensues, killing one and driving the others off.

Vicki and Steven break into the monastery. It’s quite funny how they keep trying to vie for the leadership of their little group, trying to boss each other around. I say that seeing as Vicki’s been at this time-travelling lark for far longer than Steven, she gets to be in charge.

The headman brings one of the wounded Saxons to the monastery, distracting the monk as Vicki and Steven snoop about, soon finding the record player. They manage to find the Doctor’s cell, and Steven picks the lock, only to discover that the cell is empty, the shape on the bed they had assumed was the Doctor revealed to be nothing but a bundle of rags. He’s vanished!

Image description: In the foreground there is a gramophone record player. Vicki and Steven are behind it, looking at one another.

A BATTLE OF WITS

Vicki and Steven soon discover that the Doctor has escaped through a tunnel hidden behind a loose stone in the cell, prompting Steven to remark, “Who’s a clever girl, then?” For goodness’ sake, Steven, she’s a young woman, not a well-trained poodle. No need to be so patronising.

Image description: Vicki looks over her shoulder

The pair follow the passage, and the Monk returns to an empty cell, much to his confusion.

The Doctor, meanwhile, has safely made his way back to the village and meets up with Edith, who tells him about the Viking attack. He rushes off in a hurry, pausing, however, to let Edith in on a little secret: the king will defeat the Vikings.

He doesn’t mention the Normans who turn up a few weeks later, though. Got to have some surprises, I suppose.

Vicki and Steven emerge from the tunnel, Steven finally believing that he has time-travelled, but he still can’t stop thinking about the anachronistic things they’ve seen. The pair decide to find the Doctor and investigate further.

Image description: The wounded Saxon lies in an alcove. The Monk feeds him something, as the headman watches them with his sword drawn.

Back at the monastery, the Monk continues to be a curious individual. I very much enjoy his character. He’s the antagonist of the serial, that’s for sure, but I don’t think I’d characterise him as a villain. Yes, he did kidnap the Doctor, but then the Doctor’s no stranger to a little kidnapping from time to time. He gives the wounded Saxon some penicillin, telling him that it’s just a special herb. The headman leaves his friend with the monk to recover, to the monk’s reluctance, and leaves to prepare for the arrival of the very badly-dressed Vikings.

Really though, they look dreadful. They’re practically wearing potato sacks! By this point in history a Norseman and a Saxon would look pretty much alike on the battlefield, save for the shape of their shields. This lot look as if they just raided a rubbish fancy dress shop.

Image description: Two Vikings crouch together.

A couple of the Vikings find themselves isolated from the group, and decide their best option is to request sanctuary at the monastery. After all, it’s not as if the Monk can refuse, but the Monk already has a surprise guest: the Doctor, cane in hand and demanding answers.

Vicki and Steven struggle to track the Doctor down, but they stumble across something interesting in their search. Atop the cliffs, they find some sort of advanced weapon pointing out to sea. Figuring this has something to do with the mysterious Monk, they start heading back to the monastery via the secret tunnel.

Image description: The Doctor stands behind the Monk.

Back at the monastery, the Doctor and the Monk are in something of a battle of wits, as the Doctor tries to coax information from the Monk, who keeps dodging his questions and trying to get rid of him. There’s a knock at the door, and the Doctor agrees to keep up the Monk’s ruse a little longer if it’ll get him answers, so dons the appropriate robes and invites the Vikings inside. I say ‘invites’, but really the Vikings just went straight for the death threats, which is rather rude of them.

By morning, the Viking on guard finds the Doctor’s cell apparently empty, and rushes to the secret exit, which has been left wide open. As he looks into it, the Doctor emerges from behind the cell door where he was hiding, and clobbers him.

Image description: The Doctor steps from behind a door, wearing a monk's robes.

The Monk gets down to the village, where he tries to enlist the men to help him light signal fires. However, the Saxons are suspicious, and Edith tells her husband about the Doctor’s warning of an impending invasion.

Vicki and Steven finally make it into the monastery as the Doctor confronts the Monk. In the monastery’s chapel, Vicki and Steven find a large stone sarcophagus, which for some reason has a power cable plugged into it.

Upon investigating further, they find that the sarcophagus is big enough to climb inside. It looks a bit of a snug fit at first sight, but wouldn’t you know it’s bigger on the inside? That’s right. It’s a TARDIS.

The Monk has a TARDIS.

Image description: Vicki and Steven stand in the doorway of a TARDIS.

I really enjoyed this episode. The reveal at the end honestly made me gasp. We know of course that there are other ships that can time travel in the Doctor’s universe, but more TARDISes? What is the plural of TARDIS? Tardises? Tardii? Tardodes? Or is it like ‘sheep’ where the plural of TARDIS is TARDIS?

The whole dynamic between the Doctor and the Monk is delightful to me. The pair have a real chemistry with each other, making them a joy to watch.

Let’s see how it all turns out, shall we?

Image description: The Doctor looks over the Monk's shoulder. He looks very angry.

CHECKMATE

The Monk reveals to the Doctor that he’s going to lure the Vikings to the cliffs, where he’ll destroy them.

Inside the Monk’s TARDIS, Vicki and Steven find the Monk’s ‘collection’ of pilfered artifacts from various cultures and time periods.

Oh, so it’s like a time travelling version of the British Museum?

Image description: Vicki and Steven examine an assortment of historical artefacts.

That’s not all he’s been getting up to, though. As he tells the Doctor, he gave Leonardo da Vinci the idea to try making a flying machine, and also had the rather clever idea to put a few bob in the bank, hop forwards a couple hundred years, then collect on the compound interest.

The Doctor vehemently disapproves, of course, but the Monk insists that time travel is more fun this way. And it’s not as if he hasn’t put his footprint on history before. After all, could the ancient Britons really have built Stonehenge without the assistance of anti-gravity devices?

The Monk explains his plan to help Harold Godwinson beat William of Normandy. It’s simple enough at its core: just make sure he doesn’t have to fight Harald Hardrada.

Image description: The Monk and the Doctor.

He’s come to the site of Hardrada’s landing, and positioned an atomic cannon on the cliffs. When the invasion fleet shows up, he’ll blow them sky-high, so that Harold Godwinson doesn’t have to fight Harald Hardrada. That’ll save him thousands of casualties weakening his army, and his troops won’t be exhausted from weeks of marching and fighting when they get to Hastings. With any luck, he’ll be able to drive the Normans back, and Britain will remain Anglo-Saxon.

If nothing else, maybe English spelling would be a bit more consistent in the future.

The knocked-out Viking comes around and releases his comrade, the pair deciding to stick around for the sake of safety (but probably realising they need to be a lot more wary of the old men).

The Monk shows the Doctor to his TARDIS, teasing him about being unable to fix the cloaking device of his own. As he’s doing that, the wounded Saxon sneaks out of the monastery.

The Doctor notes that the Monk has a newer, shinier TARDIS than he does. Jealous, Doc?

Image description: Vicki, the Doctor, Steven and the Monk stand in the Monk's TARDIS.

They find Vicki and Steven, who themselves have discovered the Monk’s checklist. The Doctor confirms that the Monk is from the same place as him (wherever that is), but probably from about 50 years in the future from the point the Doctor left home, going by his TARDIS.

Really, the Doctor and the Monk are a lot more alike than the Doctor would probably like to admit. Both are eccentric and mysterious time-travelling old men, and like the Doctor, the Monk does actually want to help the people he comes across. He just has a different way of going about it. Whereas the Doctor tends to avoid interfering too much with recorded historical events, the Monk sees no problem with it. He figures that a few changed history books is worth keeping Harold on the throne, and keeping French nobility away from the English crown might avoid the subsequent centuries of wars over succession.

I’m already very doubtful, but it gets worse.

With a little nudging, the English might have aeroplanes by the 14th century, and perhaps rather than at the Globe, Shakespeare might be putting his plays on television. I’m sorry, but no. You can’t change possibly the most significant historical event in English history and expect there to be no massive ripples.

Sorry, Monk, but I’m with the Doctor on this one. You can’t possibly predict the end results of a change that big. The Doctor wastes no time in telling the Monk exactly what he thinks of his plan, but the Monk isn’t really open to constructive criticism, choosing to make a break for it. He doesn’t get far before running into the Vikings, who he gets away from by hailing King Harald and pointing out the other three as enemies of the Vikings.

Image description: The wounded Saxon is with the headman of the village and Edith. A number of other villagers are visible.

In the village, Edith and her husband tell the other villagers about the impending invasion, and share their suspicions about the monk. The wounded Saxon makes a timely appearance, and tells everyone that there are already Vikings at the monastery. With no time to lose, the whole village takes up arms (yes, even Edith!) and heads up to the monastery.

They find the Vikings en-route to set signal fires for the Monk, who told them that they would aid the invasion fleet. Successfully chasing them off, Edith enters the monastery and frees the travellers, before heading out again, spear in hand, to chase down the invaders. I heartily approve, and I think the Doctor does, too. He seems quite taken with her, in fact.

Image description: Vicki, the Doctor, and Steven stand with Edith. Edith is holding a spear.

The Monk continues to flee with the Vikings, and distracts them so that they get delayed and captured, enabling him to slip away. Little does he know, however, that back at the monastery the Doctor is tampering with his TARDIS. Satisfied with his handiwork, the Doctor leaves a note for the Monk, and leads the others back to his own TARDIS. Job done?

Back at the cliffs, the gang find the TARDIS safe and sound, undamaged by its time underwater.

We’ve also got a nice moment of character development, as the Doctor cheerfully declares he’s quite happy to have Steven along for the ride with Vicki. He’s come a long way from threatening to abandon his companions for annoying him.

Image description: Steven, Vicki and the Doctor stand outside

But what of the Monk?

Rather the worse for wear and with his plan in ruins, the Monk decides he’d better be moving on. He finds the note left for him, saying that the Doctor might release him at some point if he’s a good boy. But what does he mean by that? Well, when the Monk looks into his TARDIS, he gets a nasty shock– it’s the same size on the inside as it is on the outside. The Doctor’s nicked the dimensional control, and marooned the Monk!

That’s karma for you. Perhaps he’ll learn his lesson?

Image description: The Monk peers through the doors of his shrunken TARDIS. Only his head is visible.

Final Thoughts

Needless to say, I really enjoyed this serial. It was a fun twist on the pure historicals we usually see, blending that fantastical element into the historical setting in a fun way. I hope to see more experiments like this.

I think I can confirm I definitely like Steven. Peter Purves is funny and charming, and Steven reminds me of a lot of blokes I know. That could just be Purves’ Lancashire accent, though.

A special mention has to go to Peter Butterworth for his portrayal of the Monk. It’s not often that an antagonist on Doctor Who delights me so much, but he gives a thoroughly entertaining performance. His entire demeanour is very Doctor-like, though a bit more mischievous, and with a self-serving streak. He’s like how I imagine the Doctor might have turned out if he didn’t have anyone around to keep him in check. Not particularly malicious, but definitely a law unto himself. He plays very well opposite Hartnell, and I’d enjoy seeing him again at some point.

Additionally, going over my notes I’ve just realised that Edith’s actress, Alethea Charlton, has been in Doctor Who, all the way back in The Firemakers. She was Hur, the cavewoman. I’ve really no memory for faces.

I can go on at some length when I’m not particularly impressed with a serial, but it’s quite hard when it’s the other way around. What can I say? I’m English. We like complaining.

There really isn’t much to complain about, though. I suppose if I did have to nitpick, I’d have liked the Vikings to be a bit more fleshed-out. They’re the weakest part of the serial, not being especially interesting to me. They serve a purpose, but not much beyond that. And the helmets are still a travesty.

I suppose the same goes for the Anglo-Saxons. I can’t remember the names of any of them except Edith, and she was the only one I really cared about, because of her extra screen-time.

Even so, that’s really a minor quibble. It’s simply a well-written, well-acted serial which doesn’t overstay its welcome and doesn’t rush itself either. What more could you ask for, except for more serials like this?

4 out of 5 stars




[February 8, 1965] Roman Holiday (Doctor Who: The Romans)


By Jessica Holmes

This month, we’ve got a bit of a surprise in Doctor Who: comedy. Yes, comedy. Do not adjust your television set. We’ve got Dennis Spooner back in the writer’s chair, and it seems that Mr. Spooner is having a little experiment with the format. Does it work, or like the reign of so many emperors, does it fall apart and die an undignified death? Let’s find out.

THE SLAVE TRADERS

So, remember how last time, the TARDIS fell off a cliff? Forget about it.

A month has passed since the TARDIS crashed, and the Doctor and crew are lounging about in a luxurious villa, sipping wine, eating grapes, and generally doing as the Romans do. Confused yet?

As I mentioned above, something you’ll notice quickly about this serial is the tone. In a bit of a first for the series, which does have its funny moments, The Romans is best described as a farcical comedy.

In the village near the villa, a couple of men with dreadful hairdos are browsing the market. They’re in need of new slaves to trade, and they take quite a liking to Barbara and Vicki, who, like true tourists, are proving to be absolutely useless at haggling. Where did they get the money? Is there a bureau de change somewhere deep inside the TARDIS? How many sesterces do you get to the Pound?

Slavers aren’t all that are up to no good in this little Roman town, however. An old lyre-player, minding his own business, is walking along the road outside town when a rough-looking man drags him into the bushes and murders him, for no immediately apparent reason.

Meanwhile, we interrupt The Romans to bring you Cooking With Barbara. Because one can only presume the men have never touched an oven in their lives, Barbara’s just fixed them up a lovely Roman meal of peacock breasts, quail’s tongues and pomegranates. She must be good, because I swear the Doctor is on the cusp of bursting into song. He’s a little less enthused when Barbara reveals that they had ants' eggs for starters.

Well, it’s certainly authentic. I know they say ‘when in Rome, do as the Romans do’, but I think I’ll stick with pasta if it’s all the same.

Following the meal, the Doctor announces to the surprise of his companions, that he’s taking a trip away for a few days, leading to this gem of an exchange:

IAN: You never told us you were going away.
DOCTOR: Oh? Well, I don't know that I was under any obligation to report my movements to you, Chesterfield.
BARBARA: ChesterTON.
DOCTOR: Oh, Barbara's calling you.

It turns out that our leads, though normally made to act in a serious manner, have a knack for comedy.

Bored of just lazing about the villa, the Doctor’s going to Rome. Eager for a change of pace, Vicki begs to come with him, to which he happily agrees. I’m starting to think he’s seeing her as a Susan replacement.

Now Ian and Barbara have some alone time, and Barbara wastes no time in checking Ian out, and she likes what she sees. By which I mean she thinks he makes a very fine Roman, once she’s finished restyling his hair. Nothing else going on here. Nope. No-siree.

Leaving aside the light comedy, the two Roman slavers are heading up to the villa to catch some Britons. Talk about mood whiplash!

Barbara and Ian don’t stand a chance. There’s no telly in the villa (nor a fridge… though Ian does forget that little fact, much to Barbara’s amusement), so there’s not much more to do than lie around drinking wine and teasing each other.

Fortunately, Ian isn’t quite so far gone that he can’t put up a fight against the home invaders. Barbara, on the other hand….

Bless her. She tries to help, she really does. She grabs a heavy pot as the men begin to tussle, and whacks it as hard as she can against the nearest man’s head.

Unfortunately, that head happens to belong to Ian. Oops.

On the road, the Doctor and Vicki come upon the murdered musician. As the Doctor picks up his lyre to examine it, a Roman centurion comes along, mistaking him for a famous musician, his arrival in Rome eagerly anticipated by Caesar Nero himself. Not one to pass up an opportunity to get into trouble, the Doctor goes along with it, and assumes the identity of Maximus… something or other. He can’t remember it, so why should I?

Barbara and Ian end up captives of the slavers and separated, as Ian is sold off to be a galley slave while Barbara is hauled off to be sold at auction in Rome.

Later, as the Doctor and Vicki rest for the night, the centurion accosts the man he hired to kill the old lyre player, as the job doesn’t seem to be quite done, and Nero pays very well to kill lyre players better than he.

That sounds like a very Nero thing to do.

So, with his life on the line, the assassin goes upstairs to finish the job.

Well this is… different. I don’t quite know what it is about it, but something about The Romans isn't working for me. The setup is a bit awkward and clunky, and the choice to give the episode a comedic tone is odd and confusing. It’d be one thing if it was dark comedy, but it’s not. It’s like watching a Carry On film on a broken television set that switches over to a serious historical drama every few minutes (the feeling made all the worse by Mr. Hartnell’s having been in both shows!) The episode is funny enough, but the tonal clashing kept me from really engaging with the episode.

ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME

With the arrival of the assassin, the Doctor has no choice but to defend himself with his lyre and an amphora of something which I sincerely hope is just water.

He seems to be quite enjoying himself, but just as the Doctor has the upper hand, Vicki walks in on them, sending the assassin fleeing out the window. The Doctor even remarks that just outsmarting his enemies has made him forget the joys of fisticuffs.

While it’s funny and all to see the Doctor win a fight, I’m not sure his remarks on brawling being fun are sending a good message to the kids watching. I know, I’m no fun.

Still, at least his boasts of his fighting prowess make Vicki laugh. I’m growing to enjoy their dynamic. They’re getting along like a house on fire.

Vicki remarks that the centurion has vanished, and the Doctor surmises that it was he who hired the assassin in the first place, to avoid dirtying his own blade, as was common among the Romans.

Barbara arrives in Rome, a little worse for wear but still in one piece, and wonders whether she’ll see Ian again. A wealthy-looking Roman, Tavius, watches Barbara as she attempts to coax her cellmate to eat something, even though there isn’t really enough food for the both of them. He says he wants to help her, but she has to trust him. On a first impression, I certainly wouldn’t.

Tavius attempts to buy her directly from the slave trader, but the slaver refuses. Barbara’s going to the auction. Her cellmate, however, is not. She’s far too weak; nobody would buy her. Instead, she’s going on a trip to the circus. How nice, you might think, but this is the Roman circus we’re talking about. Less of the acrobats and clowns, more of the people slaughtering animals, being slaughtered by animals, slaughtering each other, the occasional mock sea-battle (no, really), and generally creating a bloodbath for the amusement of the masses.

Pinnacle of civilisation, my backside.

Some stock footage later, Ian’s ship is caught in a storm, and Ian takes advantage of the roiling seas to pounce upon the guard and steal his keys.

Back in the eternal city, Vicki and the Doctor arrive just in time for the start of the slave auction, but before they can spot Barbara and get her to safety, the Doctor whisks Vicki away, obviously wishing to shield her from the more unsavoury aspects of Roman life. What's the point of holidaying in history if you're just going to pretend the nasty bits don't exist?

The Roman men are very eager to get their hands on Barbara (watching them treat her like a piece of meat is rather disgusting), but Tavian massively outbids them all.

At the seaside, Ian’s just washed up ashore. The storm smashed the ship to bits, but a fellow slave, Delos, managed to save the pair of them and get Ian to shore. Ian decides to head for Rome to find Barbara, and Delos agrees to come with him.

Back in Rome, Tavian manages to make a compliment on Barbara’s kind nature sound creepy, explaining it as the reason he bought her to be a servant to the Empress Poppaea, Nero’s wife, but his tone suggests an ulterior motive.

The Doctor finally arrives at the palace, though by a stroke of misfortune doesn’t find out that Barbara is also here. Tavian greets him with a cryptic remark about someone waiting for him in another room.

At last, the moment we’ve all been waiting for (or at least, been mildly curious about): the arrival of the Roman emperor. Enter Imperator Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. I think we’ll just stick with Nero.

Ian and Delos arrive in Rome, looking rather the worse for wear. They’d better hit up the baths before attempting any rescue. They get about two steps before being accosted by guards. As runaway slaves, they’re bound for the arena. Perhaps the lions will be put off by the smell?

Curious about Tavian’s earlier remark, the Doctor investigates the palace and comes upon the murdered body of the centurion from earlier. It looks like he might have got more than he bargained for in this little ruse of his!

Things are getting interesting, and I didn’t get as much whiplash from pivoting between comedy and drama. Let’s push onwards.

CONSPIRACY

Back at the palace, Vicki and the Doctor have just spent the night, when Tavian beckons him and tells him he’s taken care of the body, and that the Doctor might want to wait before enacting the next bit of the plan. A little confused, the Doctor tries prodding to find out what that plan actually is, but Tavian says it’s better that he himself doesn’t know, and so doesn’t give him any details.

That’s helpful.

Tavian presents Barbara to the Emperor and Empress, and Nero’s eyes nearly pop out of his head when he sees his wife’s lovely new servant.

Poppaea, however, is less than pleased, warning Barbara to keep any aspirations of becoming Empress in check. Somehow, I don’t think Nero is Barbara’s type.

It’s not as if that matters to Nero, however. He corners Barbara alone in the palace, and begins to chase her around as if he were a schoolboy — except at my school, a boy chasing a girl around like that would find himself in detention.

The following sequence is not as funny as it wants to be, because I know enough about Nero to know that nothing good would come of him catching Barbara, and no amount of hijinks, near-misses and slapstick is going to make me forget that.

The Doctor might not agree with me, as his reaction to seeing the Emperor chasing a screaming woman around the palace is to laugh.

Really, Doctor? I bet you wouldn’t find it so funny if you knew it was Barbara.

Vicki meets the palace poisoner, a surprisingly personable woman for someone who makes murder weapons. There are so many people in the palace going around murdering each other that it’s practically a Roman tradition at this point. True. Nero had his own mother murdered. His first wife, too.

Speaking of Nero, he’s still stalking Barbara, begging her for a teeny weeny kiss. As if that’s all he wants! I know it’s technically ‘wrong’ and ‘interfering with history’, but I wouldn’t blame Barbara if she decided to respond to his demand for a teeny weeny kiss with a teeny weeny stab wound. Poppaea turns up just as Nero pulls Barbara onto the bed, but thankfully intervenes and sends Barbara away before things get any more disturbing.

The Doctor tries to find out from Nero if he knows anything about conspiracy in the palace. Nero doesn’t know a thing (big shocker), but he does tell the Doctor that he’s to perform at a banquet that evening.

Meanwhile, Vicki listens in as the poisoner supplies Poppaea with some poisoned goblets, one of which she is to give to Nero’s new slave, and put an end to any aspirations of usurping her. Uh-oh.

At the banquet, Vicki and the Doctor reunite, and meanwhile Nero surprises Barbara with a little gift: a golden bangle. She’s not one bit impressed, but she manages to smoothly recover and propose a toast to Nero, downing her goblet.

It’s at this moment when Vicki remembers to mention her visit with the poisoner, and casually remarks that she thinks she might have poisoned Nero, having switched the goblets around. She didn’t think it was very fair to poison the slave girl. I have decided I like Vicki.

The Doctor manages to stop him drinking it just in time, as Barbara conveniently leaves the banquet. The near-misses are just getting a bit annoying, now. The Romans would be over in five minutes if it weren't for all the coincidences keeping the group apart.

Nero hands off the poisoned cup to his manservant who has been annoying him all episode by just trying to do his job. Doctor, I know that you have to respect causality and all that, but couldn’t we just let Nero have a little bit of poison? Not enough to change history, just to make him regret that indoor plumbing hasn’t been invented yet.

Her plan foiled, Poppaea has the poisoner dragged off to the arena. What a charming lady.

The feasting commences, and something happens that irks me terribly: everybody is sitting bolt upright, rather than lounging on couches as any respectable Roman would.

It’s just an odd oversight for a serial that has been eager to show the details of Roman life, even down to mentioning real Roman food.

To avoid embarrassment, the Doctor thinks up a cunning ruse: he tells the Emperor that his music is so subtle only the truly gifted can hear it and appreciate it. When he then proceeds to mime playing the lyre, Nero acts as if enraptured by his skill, and the others, not wishing to end up on the Caesar’s bad side, play along. Yes, it’s The Emperor’s New Clothes. Who do you think gave Hans Christian Andersen the idea?

However, once Nero leaves, the guests burst out in laughter. Too vain and too much of a buffoon to understand the joke, Nero spitefully laments he’s been made a fool of, as the Doctor got a great big round of applause for his performance. How dare he upstage Nero! He plans to take revenge, and bids Barbara to come with him to the arena. While there, he fancies seeing a fight. Give you three guesses who’s getting tossed into the ring.

A bloodbath isn’t all Nero came here for, however: he has a special plan for the Doctor. He arranges to have him come to play at the arena… and then the lions will be released.

Ian and Delos emerge to a rather small fighting pit. It doesn’t look like there’s room to swing a cat, let alone have a fight. Ian and Barbara are shocked to see each other, but there’s no time for a reunion right now.

Ian quickly gets the upper hand (big surprise), but when he has Delos disarmed and at his mercy, he doesn’t go in for the kill, to the displeasure of Nero. Delos manages to turn the tables on him, and soon has Ian on his knees, his blade to his throat. A moment of tense anticipation follows, everyone looking at Nero to see what his verdict will be. Disgusted with Ian’s act of mercy, Nero sticks his thumb down and orders Delos to cut off his head.

INFERNO

Delos has Ian utterly at his mercy. He looks at Ian, raises his sword…and then lunges at the Caesar.

True to form, Nero uses Barbara as a human shield as the guards descend upon Ian and Delos. In the kerfuffle, Ian tries to whisk Barbara away, but with Nero keeping a tight grip on her, and having only seconds to make an escape, he has no choice but to flee with Delos, promising to come back for her.

At the palace, Poppaea is awaiting Tavius, and orders that he get rid of Barbara, or she’ll try again to kill her — and him, too. Tavius warns Barbara of Poppaea’s murderous intentions, and she tells him that Nero is planning to use her to trap Ian, and that he’s going to feed the musician to the lions. Tavian promises to think of something, and warn the musician for her.

Elsewhere, the Doctor and Vicki are examining Nero’s plans for rebuilding Rome. The Doctor gathers that they’re in AD 64. July, to be precise. It looks like things are about to start hotting up.

Tavius warns the Doctor that he’s to play in the arena tomorrow, and that today is his last chance to kill Nero. Well, that explains a lot, doesn’t it? The murders, Tavius’ suspicious helpfulness. After all, secret murder is a Roman pasttime.

Nero arrives to give the Doctor the good news about his upcoming performance, but is a bit put out when the Doctor 'guesses' that he’s to perform at the arena. Just to rub it in, he launches into a string of lion-related puns that would even make my Dad wince.

However, he should be paying less attention to wordplay and more attention to what he’s doing, as while he talks, he holds his glasses behind his back, and the sun is shining bright outside. I think you can guess where this is going. Without him realising, the papers behind him begin to smoulder and soon catch alight.

So, it looks like the Doctor is doomed. You’d think so. However, this is Nero we’re talking about. The burning plans give him the bright idea to raze the Roman capital to the ground and rebuild from the ashes. The Doctor is a genius!

The mind boggles that nobody has killed Nero yet for sheer ineptitude.

Later that night, the guards are preparing for the ambush, but Ian and Delos are clever, sneaking in with a bunch of men who have been brought before the Emperor for a very special task: to light the city on fire.

Tavian finds Ian among the group, and reunites him with Barbara. At the same time, Vicki and the Doctor have wisely decided to quietly make their exit from the palace.

Ian, Delos and Barbara safely escape the palace as the arsonists head off to torch Rome, and Tavian watches them go, sincerely wishing Barbara good luck. In his hand, he clutches a cross. This one shot turns my understanding of Tavian on its head, and makes him a much more interesting character. An early Christian in the Roman court. It’s a much more interesting drive for his actions than mere political ambition. Nero was an incredibly cruel man, after all. Christianity doesn’t look too kindly upon murder, but Tavian is only human. If you saw someone with great power abuse it day in, day out, wouldn't you try to do something about it?

The revelation does raise its own questions, however. Does Tavian really do the things he does for the greater good, in service to his fellow man, or is he just another schemer with his faith incidental? A good person who does bad things, or a bad person who sometimes chooses to do good?

It could be either way, but my gut leans towards the former.

As a pedantic aside, the cross is an anachronism. This early in the history of Christianity, Christians would use the icthys (the Jesus fish) as their secret symbol rather than the cross. Of course, the icthys is less readily recognisable.

Outside the city, the Doctor and Vicki spot the fire going up, and are a bit more impressed than at all bothered. Never mind all the people about to die a horrible death — both from the fire, and the Christians that Nero will scapegoat and persecute for the blaze. Vicky scolds the Doctor for nagging her about tampering with history earlier in the serial, now that he’s gone and given Nero the idea for the Great Fire of Rome.

He insists it wasn’t his fault and that it would have happened anyway, but is a little too amused by the idea that he caused this. Perhaps he is not so unlike Nero, who laughs as the city burns, strumming his lyre all the while. Sources differ on what Nero’s true actions were on the night of the fire, and whether he ordered it to be set at all, but we’re here to watch a fun romp through time, not to get embroiled in an academic debate on which Roman historians we believe.

Back at the villa, Ian and Barbara arrive to find a lot of cleaning up to do. Specifically, cleaning up the shards of a certain broken vase. This whole scene is quite funny, and I like how Barbara and Ian have settled in to a more familiar dynamic, much more playful and less restrained than they have been in the past. I would even go so far as to say it borders on flirtatious.

As Ian complains it’s not his fault he got hit with the vase, Barbara insists that it is because she only picked it up to help and he went and got his head in the way. Realising that Barbara knocked him out, he figures that she should clean it up and settles down to watch her, the picture of smugness.

By the time the Doctor and Vicki make it back, the villa is back to normal, and Ian and Barbara are cleaned up in their fancy Roman clothes again, lounging around as if they hadn’t moved since the Doctor left for Rome.

Off the crew go again, to places unknown, much to the disbelief of Vicki, who refuses to believe that the Doctor doesn’t know what he’s doing. Oh, Vicki. You have absolutely no idea.

The women head off to change, while the Doctor studies the controls. Noticing something seems to be bothering him, Ian asks what’s up. The Doctor responds that they materialised for a split second, and something’s caught them, is now slowly dragging them down….but towards what?

Final Thoughts

I don’t quite know what to make of The Romans. It’s a little too farcical for me to judge it on its merits as a pure historical, but is a bit too serious for me to really assess it as a comedy. It’s in a sort of in-between state of two genres meshed together in an inelegant fashion. The comedy here doesn’t work with the subject at hand. I get the sense that the jokes are there despite the topic rather than being based on Roman life and history.

I feel a bit out of my depth here, as critiquing comedy is pretty far outside my usual remit, and much more subjective than any other genre. Many probably like The Romans' use of comedy. I just don’t know how to feel about it. I think that the jokes were (mostly) funny, yes. And I’d love to see more humour woven into the fabric of Doctor Who. However, I think I’d like to see it better implemented in future, complementing the story rather than interrupting it. Perhaps something of a more satirical nature would gel better with the usual tone of the show.

Just a little something to ponder until next time.

3.5 out of 5 stars


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[14th September, 1964] Hold Off The Execution (Doctor Who: The Reign Of Terror [Part 2]))


By Jessica Holmes

Put away the guillotine, we don’t need to be chopping anyone's head off for boring me. Not today, at least. The Reign Of Terror doesn’t magically turn into an oeuvre of magnificence at the halfway mark, but it did turn out decent in the end.

THE TYRANT OF FRANCE

Apologies everyone, my television set is playing up again, so there’s a chance that I’ll have missed some details in this episode, but hopefully it won’t be anything too important.

So, in the previous episode of The Reign Of Terror the Doctor got himself a pretty fantastic hat and managed to blag his way into a meeting with Robespierre, so they can talk about how fantastic his hat is. Or lists of people whose heads have been chopped off, but I think the hat should take precedence.

Lemaitre gives Robespierre the execution list.

So, how does this meeting go? Entertainingly. Not one to hold his tongue, the Doctor immediately starts debating a hostile and suspicious Robespierre on the benefits of his Reign Of Terror. I rather admire his guts. Come to think of it, it’d be pretty funny to see the Doctor popping about through time to give tyrants a good scolding. As for Robespierre, he’s showing signs of paranoia, convinced that even his allies are plotting his downfall. Well, Max, if you are going to insist on guillotining everyone who so much as looks at you funny, what do you expect?

Oh, and we actually have a name for the other man, now. The one the Doctor came with. He’s called Lemaitre. Translates to ‘the master’. Quite a good name for a villain, I’d say.

Back at the maison, Susan is still feeling poorly, the poor love, but she’s brought some brandy, so she’ll feel even worse in a second! According to Barbara, a short while earlier Susan kicked off all her clothes and was found shivering upstairs, which sounds to me like she’s suffering from hypothermia. Leon is wary of calling a physician for her (after all, we only know one Doctor we can trust), but after some thought he decides to risk it for her. Good old Leon.

Jules carrying a body through the window

Outside the maison, Jules and Jean (did I introduce Jean last time? I can’t recall. Introducing: Jean) are smuggling a body into the house. Just when we start to worry what sort of people Barbara and Susan have fallen in with, they pull back the tarp covering the body to reveal that it’s Ian!

At the prison, Lemaitre says the Doctor made a good impression on Robespierre. I’m not sure I’d say the same, but if he says so. The Doctor tries to make his excuses and leave, but Lemaitre insists that the Doctor stay, and calls for the jailor to arrange accommodations.
Well, I hope he enjoyed his little game of dress-up.

Remember the treacherous tailor? He’s still here, and now he’s got Lemaitre all to himself. The Doctor tries once more to leave while Lemaitre is busy, but the jailor pulls a gun on him. If he were to let the Doctor go, it’d be his neck on the line.

Dear, dear, Doctor. You’re in trouble now!

Back at the maison, Ian is coming around, and joyfully reunites with Barbara. Does anybody else think they might be a little more than friends, or is that just me? Now conscious, Ian takes the opportunity to ask Jules if he knows the Englishman his dead cellmate told him to look for, one ‘James Stirling’. Unfortunately, Jules hasn’t a clue, which is a shame, because Ian had gone looking for Jules in the hope that he would. Unfortunately for Ian’s poor head, Jules found him first, and, thinking him an enemy spy, clobbered him. That man is going to have serious brain damage before long.

Jules posits that ‘James Stirling’ is an alias, though if anyone knows him, it’d probably be Leon. In fact, for all they know Leon might actually be James. It’s easy to pretend to be English when everyone in France speaks in Recieved Pronunciation. Not that I’m complaining. I find using English regional accents to be vastly preferable to forcing the actors to attempt a dreadful foreign accent. A lot of films and programs do it and it drives me up the wall.

Sadly, Susan is getting worse, and the physician won’t come, so Barbara has no choice but to take Susan herself. The physician takes a bit too much of an interest in how Susan came to be ill, but eventually decides that a spot of blood-letting should do the trick, to the womens’ horror. I mean, what were they expecting? Panadol?

Susan reclines on a couch as Barbara watches over her.

They’d probably do better to just make her some hot water with honey and lemon.

See, here’s the problem with time travel to the past: lots of diseases that the modern immune system doesn’t know what to do with. I hope the Doctor got Susan her vaccinations when they landed on Earth. Imagine if she were to come down with smallpox, or TB!

It seems that Leon was right to be wary about trusting a physician, because the medical man, on the pretence of fetching leeches (lovely), heads up to the prison and turns the women in! Having locked the door behind him, the women are sitting ducks when the soldiers come to arrest them.

Well, with them free, there wasn’t anyone for the rest of the characters to make a daring rescue of, was there?

Ian begins to worry that they’ve been a while, but he has a meeting with Leon to keep, so he heads off in hope of tracking down the mysterious James Stirling.

Back in chains, Susan’s chucked into a cell, and Barbara is marched off for questioning…to none other than the Doctor!

Ian arrives at the crypt of an abandoned church, which is a cool place for a clandestine meeting if I ever saw one. The set’s rather good too. There’s a better attempt at the illusion of size here than we’ve seen in a lot of other sets on this programme.

The set of the crypt, with the background painted to create the illusion of depth.

However, while we’re all admiring the set, a bunch of soldiers turn up. Ian’s walked right into a trap.

Leon, you scoundrel!

Leon points a gun at Ian, offscreen

A BARGAIN OF NECESSITY

The following week, my television continued to act up, rendering visible perhaps one frame in twenty. I tried hitting the top of my tv with a mallet, but it didn’t seem to do anything. Ah, well.

Ian captured, Barbara and Susan in chains once more — things don’t look too good for our companions. So, it’s the perfect time for Barbara to have a nice catch-up with the Doctor. Lemaitre tries to listen in, but the jailor arrives to summon him to a meeting with Robespierre. Lemaitre reluctantly agrees to go, but orders that Susan must be kept in the prison on pain of death. He knows something.

Barbara and the Doctor plot her escape.

With Lemaitre gone, the Doctor reveals his cunning plan to spring Barbara from prison. Get ready. It’s very complicated. She’s going to walk out the front door.

See? Complicated. But it’s actually brilliant, wait and see.

The Doctor spins a tale to the jailor that Barbara is actually deeply involved in the grand conspiracy against Robespierre. So deeply involved, in fact, that she knows the names of every traitor in France! Of course, she’d rather die than give them up, but the Doctor and the jailor are clever, aren’t they? What they’ll do, is they’ll let her escape, and then, when she runs off to her traitor friends, they can follow her, and arrest the whole lot!

Now, a person slightly smarter than a guinea pig would probably be able to see through this plan, but that’s part of why I love it. I love the Doctor’s ability to talk utter nonsense with such authority that it sounds perfectly reasonable.

Down in the crypt, Leon’s giving Ian the trademark villain speech, revealing that he’s always been loyal to the revolution. He thinks that Ian’s in on the English spy ring, so demands that Ian tell him the truth.

Well, you asked for it, Leon.

For reasons nobody could ever hope to fathom, Leon doesn’t believe Ian when he says he’s from the year 1963, and his soldiers are on the point of shooting Ian when Jules arrives, having come back to the maison to find it empty.

A fight ensues, and it might have been exciting, but my television chose that moment to stop showing the picture, leaving me with a bit of generic fight music and the occasional grunt, ending with a gunshot, which I assume hit Leon, because the next time I can actually see the scene, Leon’s dead and Jules is Ian’s knight in frilly armour.

Back at the prison, things become amusing when the jailor asks the Doctor why he isn’t tailing Barbara, and the Doctor retorts asking HIM why HE wasn’t doing it. Whoopsie-daisy! Piling on, the Doctor actually tries the same trick on the jailor again, but to let Susan out this time. As funny as it would have been had he agreed, it’d be a bit convenient, so of course the jailor refuses. He’s not going to risk his neck!

Lemaitre goes to meet Robespierre, who fears that the Convention will turn against him at their next meeting, on the 27th of July… 1794. Hands up, who knows their history?

(Is it still paranoia if they really are all out to get you?)

Now it’s time for Historical Nitpicking With Jessica, where I answer the historical questions that literally nobody asked.

It’s about the date of the meeting: July 27, 1794. This is absolutely correct…by the Gregorian calendar. However, during the Reign Of Terror, France was not using this calendar. They were on the French Republican calendar, so for them, the date was 9 Thermidor. Weird, I know. What’s even weirder is that aside from the timing of the start of the year (the autumn equinox rather than the summer solstice), the French Republican calendar is identical to the ancient Egyptian calendar. Just thought that was interesting.

I would call the French calendar and their decimal time ridiculous, but then I remember how English money works, and how we measure distance, and how an English mile is actually how far Charles II could run in a three-legged race before falling over (or something), so perhaps I shouldn’t throw stones.

Ian makes it back safely, and meets up with Barbara, who is also safe now. They think the Doctor’s antics are pretty funny. And they are. It rather spoils the mood, however, once Jules tells Barbara what happened with Leon. To the men’s surprise, Barbara feels quite sad for him. To them, he was a traitor, but to the Revolution, he’d have been a hero. After all, the Revolution did have a point. Perhaps too sharp a point, but a point all the same.

See, Barbara gets it. History is a bit more nuanced when you look at it from the outside. There’s a difference between believing that a republic would be better for everyone than a monarchy, and wanting to chop the heads off anyone who looks a bit too posh.

Back at the prison, the Doctor lets Susan out, but Lemaitre catches them as they try to escape, and the scene following is a bit awkward, with a noticeable line flub from Hartnell (not for the first time, but I usually give him a pass as it works for the character), and a strange bit of awkward silence which made me wonder if somebody forgot their line or wasn’t on their mark.

Lemaitre reveals to the Doctor what he knows

Once we’re off smoothly again, Lemaitre shows the Doctor the ring the tailor gave him. Lemaitre’s quite a bit smarter than the poor jailor. He’s known full well that the Doctor wasn’t who he claimed to be, and strongly suspected his relation to Susan, which is why he was determined to hold on to her. And now he has iron-clad leverage over the Doctor.

Back at the house, Jules explains to Ian and Barbara that he’s not actually of the aristocracy, he’s just against those who would rule by fear, which is fair enough, I’d say.

As he finishes up the explanation, along comes the Doctor… with Lemaitre.

The Doctor brings Lemaitre to Jules, Barbara and Ian

PRISONERS OF CONCIERGERIE

This one is actually genuinely good. Even more so because my television started working again.

Dun dun duuuun, Lemaitre has arrived to crash the party, sweeping in and explaining at everyone just how clever and cunning he is. So clever and cunning is he, in fact… that he is James Stirling.

That did catch me off guard, I have to admit. It certainly explains the accent.

Lemaitre/Stirling says that he can get safe passage back to England for everyone as soon as his business in France is concluded, and asks Ian what was the message he needed to deliver. Ian wracks his brain to remember it, and they piece together that it was a coded message giving away the location of important meeting which Paul Barras will be attending.

Time for a little espionage. They go to the inn, and pose as staff. Ian dusts off his acting skills and I absolutely love it. He goes to the trouble of putting on a fake voice and everything. I think somebody may have been part of the drama club at Coal Hill!

Barbara and Ian in disguise as innkeepers.

Barbara, on the other hand, is as awkward as anything, and simply asks Barras how many people he’s expecting to meet. Fortunately he doesn’t suspect anything, and tells her it’s just the one, and here he comes now.

It’s Napoleon Bonaparte.

Yes. Really.

A cool reveal? Yes. Ahistorical? Absolutely.

I will leave it to you to decide which is the more important factor in your mind. At any rate, it’s little more than a historical cameo, as he’s only in the episode for as long as it takes to promise Barras his support in return for a role as Consul, and then he swans off to make his own history.

Napoleon Bonaparte conspires with Paul Barras to bring an end to Robespierre and his Reign Of Terror

I hope we get an episode centred on Napoleon some time in the future. Well, I could write a list of historical figures I’d like to see an episode based on, but it’d take me all night.

Stirling is aghast to learn of Napoleon’s intentions, knowing that being Consul won’t be enough for a man like Napoleon. He’s absolutely right, but there’s nothing he can do about it. Or is there?
Well, no. We know that. The Doctor and Barbara know that. Nevertheless, Stirling rushes off to try and prevent the arrest of Robespierre.

Now, I do think this is a bit of a missed opportunity. Had the earlier episodes been better paced, I think this turn of events would have been interesting to devote more time to, with Stirling (and possibly the others) trying to save Robespierre as history stubbornly refuses to be knocked off course. Instead all we get is the same old stuff about history being unchangeable. I am simply intrigued as to how exactly that works. What would happen if, for example, I grabbed myself a musket, aimed it squarely at Napoleon’s head, and fired? Will some unknown law of Time make the gun misfire?

The Terror comes to an end as Robespierre is hauled into the prison, clutching his wounded jaw.

History progresses as it’s written. Robespierre is arrested, shot in the jaw, and hauled off for his appointment with Madame Guillotine, bringing the Reign of Terror to an end. The Doctor returns to the prison and orders that it be made ready for Robespierre and his allies, which of course means clearing out the old cells, which means freeing Susan!

I do think it’s a shame that Susan had nothing to do in this serial other than sit and wait to be rescued.

Back at the TARDIS, Ian, much like myself, wonders what would have happened if they had tried to contact Napoleon and tell him about the future. According to Susan, he’d have lost the information, or forgotten it. I suppose that means we aren’t likely to see time paradoxes and alternate timelines in Doctor Who.

Final Thoughts

All in all, I think the second half of this serial was much better and more interesting than the first half. However, I think that Robespierre should have been given more of a focus in this serial. Imagine watching him unravel as his Reign Of Terror comes to a close and the vultures start circling, not in just a couple of scenes, but gradually, over the course of the story. To add to that, I’d have liked to have seen more of the coup against him, beginning earlier in the story, rather than in the last episode. It was the most exciting bit of the plot and it had hardly any time devoted to it.

All the same, I think the serial did redeem itself. It’s not one I’m a big fan of, but it’s not quite as rage-inducing as that one with the stuck button, which makes it okay in my book.

And with that, this first series of Doctor Who comes to an end. I’ve certainly enjoyed the ride, and I hope you’ve been entertained by my ramblings. Though perhaps not as educational as was first intended, Doctor Who has turned out to be an interesting science fiction programme with a real charm to it, and it has tremendous potential in the future. The only limit is the imagination.

As the crew head off to their next adventure, we end on a rather nice quote which, to me, captures the essence of Doctor Who.

“Our lives are important, at least, to us. But as we see, so we learn … Our destiny is in the stars, so let’s go and search for it.”

Next Episode: Planet Of Giants

3 out of 5 stars

 


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[August 23rd, 1964] The Reign Of Boredom (Doctor Who: The Reign Of Terror [Part 1])


By Jessica Holmes

Ready for another historical episode? This serial of Doctor Who comes from the mind of Dennis Spooner, who I don’t think we’ve had a story from before. Interestingly, this is the first Doctor Who serial to be partially shot on location, instead of the airing cupboard at the BBC they usually use.

I want to start with a couple of things. One: I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, an expert on the French Revolution. And two: my opinion on this episode is objective fact and I shall not be tolerating any dissenters.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

A LAND OF FEAR

The TARDIS lands in a nice spot of countryside, and in keeping with his promise at the end of the previous serial, the Doctor curtly informs Ian and Barbara they can go now, and not to let the door bang their backsides on the way out. However, considering this is the Doctor we’re talking about, Ian and Barbara aren’t about to just waltz off when they’re not even sure they’re on the right planet, so Ian manages to coax the Doctor out for a drink while they scope out the area.

Hearing some loud bangs as they leave the TARDIS, Ian rummages around in the bushes and drags out a small boy, who kindly informs them that they’re in France. To be fair, it’s not far off from Old Blighty. Get a ferry from Dover and you can make a day trip of it.

The boy runs off, and the others track him to a deserted house.

Ian and Barbara admit to themselves that they wouldn’t really be disappointed if they weren’t in England in 1964. Or should they come back to 1963? I’m not sure if it’s been as long for them as it’s been for us.

Finding the house empty, the companions promptly start plundering the owners’ belongings. Aside from some fancy frocks and dusty candlesticks, they find documents signed by Robespierre…and realise where and when they are.

And just to round things off, while exploring alone (always a bad idea) the Doctor gets a nice whack over the back of the head.

Meanwhile, the rest of the companions are helping themselves to some contemporary clothes. The garments look quite accurate to the location and time period, though I couldn’t say if the lack of corsets is excellent historical attention to detail (the corset having fallen out of fashion during the revolution in favour of simpler garments), or simply a lack of budget or modern clothing standards getting in the way of accurate period costuming.

That might all be a bit nit-picky, but I think the Doctor would appreciate my twaddle on whether or not everyone should be wearing a corset. This is, after all, his favourite historical period. I don’t know what that says about him but I think we should probably keep him away from any members of the aristocracy, just in case.

Oh. Too bad, because a couple just showed up. This farmhouse, it turns out, is their hideout. I’m not going to tell you their names because for one, I didn’t catch them, and for two, they’ll be dead in a couple of minutes so there’s no point.

They prepare to make a brave stand as a gang of soldiers come to capture them, only for one of them to chicken out and run outside, necessitating the other to come out and rescue him. He’s doing well at persuading the soldiers not to shoot them, right up to the point that he tells them that even if they have uniforms, they’re still peasants underneath.

To literally nobody’s surprise, that’s not a very clever thing to say to a bunch of gun-toting peasants.

R.I.P, French blokes whose names I don’t know.

Meanwhile, Ian’s trying to find where they stashed the Doctor, who is still out cold, but the soldiers barge in before he can, and drag everyone (except the Doctor, who is still having a nice nap) out into the courtyard.

The Doctor finally wakes up just as the soldiers are about to execute his mates. However, their leader persuades the men that they should take the companions to Paris, where they’ll be rewarded for delivering them to ‘Madame Guillotine’. How nice.

Before leaving, they decide to burn the house down, just to be thorough. Things sure don’t look good for the Doctor. Pity I literally don’t care. Of course I always know the Doctor or whoever is imperiled in the cliffhanger-of-the-week is going to be fine, but I am usually enjoying the episode enough that I can suspend my disbelief.

I didn’t know 24 minutes of television with multiple shootings and a house burning down could actually be this boring. Yes; this is the end of the episode! Is it just me, or would all these events normally take place within the first fifteen minutes?

2 out of 5.

GUESTS OF MADAME GUILLOTINE

I think I like the title more than I like the episode.

With the Doctor being slow-roasted French-style, the companions arrive in the city of lights, and Paris gives them a lovely warm welcome, by which I mean they’re immediately sentenced to death for being in the company of traitors of the revolution.

There we go. Show’s over, everyone’s dead.

…Sadly I don’t think I’ll get out of doing this write-up that easily.

Unfortunately there’s a backlog of necks that want chopping, so Ian, Barbara and Susan are going to have to wait a bit, in the company of a delightfully charming jailor who makes creepy implications about what Barbara could do for him to secure her release. Barbara gives him a slap instead. That’s my girl. Susan, on the other hand, wallows in misery, convinced everyone’s going to die. Tsk.

Oh, and the Doctor’s alive too. The little boy from last episode went into the house and dragged him out, which is nice of him. Don’t expect him to stick around, though, nice as it might have been for the Doctor to have a plucky young sidekick. The Doctor’s off to Paris!

On a real, actual road! With real sky! And a fake Bill Hartnell! Two out of three isn't bad. See, they didn't actually have the budget to transport any of the cast out to the filming location, so they had to make do with a double shot from a distance. That's pretty neat!

Ian, meanwhile, is sitting in a cell with a chap who is not feeling his best. He’s got a nasty gunshot wound, and it’s clear he’s not long for this world. The wounded man tells Ian to find an Englishman in Paris, who is in the city to gather information. There’s a war coming between England and France, because the day ends in a Y. I can’t even remember which historical war they’re gearing up for. There’s too many, and a ridiculous number of them are simply called the ‘Anglo-French War’. We’ve been at war, or preparing for it, pretty much ever since that William bloke paddled across the Channel.

I digress. The man imparts his wish, and dies, and I swear this should be more interesting to me than it is. It’s just not doing anything for me.

Out in the sunshine, the Doctor is having a nice walk in the countryside, and comes upon some ‘tax-dodgers’ being forced to work on the road. He tells their foreman that they might work faster if he actually picked up a pick. Astute observation, Doctor, and a great way to illustrate the difference between intelligence and wisdom, as this makes the foreman take offence, and investigate the Doctor's lack of travel papers. No papers, eh? Probably up to no good. And what do we do with people who are up to no good? We put them to work!

In Paris, Barbara and Susan are making progress on digging their way out of their cell. It looks like the ladies might be coming to the rescue.

Meanwhile, the man who was commanding the soldiers who captured the companions (I’m sorry, I didn’t hear his name) has come to investigate the death of the man in Ian’s cell, and asks if he and Ian spoke before he died. Ian lies to him, and says that they didn’t, but the jailor tells the commander otherwise, though he didn’t hear what was said.

Back in the ladies’ cell, Susan and Barbara find some rats in the hole they’ve made, and go into hysterics, because we womenfolk literally melt if we see a rodent, don’t you know? I don’t know. You cross the universe fighting priests who cut people’s hearts out and bug-eyed monsters and pepper-pots with death rays, and you go to pieces over a few rats?

Look. I’m scared of spiders. But if I’m going to be decapitated in the morning, and the only way out of it is to crawl through a tunnel filled with tarantulas, I’d absolutely, positively, definitely…get my last rites in order and sort out a will.

Perhaps I can’t really talk.

Meanwhile in the countryside….

Sometimes I do wish the characters would stay together for longer than five minutes so I don’t have to come up with a new way to re-introduce them every other paragraph to prevent things getting repetitive.

But meanwhile à la campagne, the Doctor gets in a boring and stupid and unnecessary scene that, unless there is some deep meaning in it that I’m too thick to get, is there just to pad out the episode. This whole thing with the roadworks is so pointless.

The Doctor distracts the foreman by making him stare at the sun, then steals his money, throws it on the ground, and while the foreman is digging through the soil, whacks him over the back of the head. Our hero, everyone!

Okay, so he was actually using the foreman’s greed against him by making him think he’d found a treasure trove, but he still knocked a man out cold while he wasn’t even looking.

To be fair, I was already thinking ‘why not just hit him with your pick’, and then he did, but that doesn’t reflect well on either of us.

Back in Paris (see? This is what I mean), the guards come for Susan and Barbara, and they’re taken with a bunch of other prisoners to the guillotine.

And all Ian can do is watch helplessly from his cell.

And how have I managed to write so much about an episode of little substance?

2 out of 5.

A CHANGE OF IDENTITY

Let’s introduce this one with a little scrap from my notes:

My chippy tea is going cold and I’m having to watch this.

Jessica from the past, you put it into words.

At least we’re finally getting to the bit where people’s heads start getting chopped off. Please?

The Doctor makes it to Paris, just as the women are on their way to have a little off the top, though of course he doesn’t know that.

In an alleyway, two men, noblemen by the looks of it, are lying in wait for the prisoners and soldiers heading their way.

And back in prison. Oh, back in prison. I can barely bring myself to go on. The jailor leaves the key to Ian’s cell…in the lock. Of Ian’s cell. And then rushes off because the commander chap is calling him. Leaving Ian free to grab the key-ring, nick his key, and put it back how he found it before the jailor remembers what he did with the keys.

I don’t even have the will to make a joke or be annoyed about it. It’s just not worth it.

Out on the streets of Paris, the horse towing Barbara and Susan on their way to certain doom throws a shoe, and Barbara plans to make a run for it when the guards unhitch the horse. Susan, however, has suddenly developed a very inconvenient illness and so can’t be running off anywhere, and Barbara, bless, won’t leave her.

Luckily the two men are nearby to save them because goodness knows they couldn’t possibly have rescued themselves in the face of this sudden narrative contrivance.

The Doctor, meanwhile, is shopping for new clothes. This is Paris, after all. Being in possession of no actual money, he trades in his old clothes and also a rather ugly ring, in return for…well. Wait and see.

Barbara and Susan make it to a safehouse. The blokes who saved them are called Jules and Jean, and they are posh, upper-class, and might as well have a dotted line around their necks labelled ‘chop here’.

Ian, meanwhile, is escaping, but not without notice.

I’ll just say, it’s not a very thrilling escape when the jailor is passed out on the floor and the only conscious witness is presumably hoping Ian will just lead him to the English spy, and so doesn’t lift a finger.

Susan and Barbara tell Jules and Jean about the farmhouse and the men they met there. They realise that their escape route has been compromised. A messenger arrives for them, a man called Leon.

Back in the dungeon….

Forget everything mean I’ve said about this episode. It’s just redeemed itself.

Behold the Doctor’s new outfit:

Besides being a genuinely funny reveal, the Doctor’s new outfit serves another purpose. It enables him to walk right into the prison in the guise of a regional officer, and interrogate the jailor as to the whereabouts of Ian, Barbara and Susan!

He learns of their escape, but before he can go off to be their knight in fabulous plumage, along comes the commander, who asks to see the Doctor’s papers. Of course, the Doctor remembered to forge some this time (perhaps the only worthwhile thing to come out of his little interlude in the countryside), so he’s not rumbled…yet.

However, the commander is on his way to have a chat with Robespierre himself about the execution lists, and extends an invitation to the Doctor, who can’t very well say no.

At least that might be interesting next time.

In what the French call le safehouse, Leon and Barbara make small-talk. Barbara tells him that she’s English, which he takes as an encouraging sign that she doesn’t really have a side in the whole revolution thing.

Look, she’s a history teacher. I can bet you she has opinions.

So that’s nice. And dull.

However, back at the prison, qu’est-ce que c’est? Or, as the English prefer to say, what is this that this is?

It’s the man from the clothing shop. He informs the commander that he has evidence of a traitor, and then (all together now), dun dun DUUUUUUUN…!

He produces the Doctor’s ring.

See, this is why I don’t wear jewellery. You never know when a duplicitous merchant of clothes might buy it off me and use it as evidence of me betraying the ideals of the revolution.

Okay, that’s it. I’m free. For now. I really hope things start picking up next time.

2 out of 5.

Final Thoughts

Well, having spent quite a lot of this review just making my own stupid jokes, how engaging do we think I found this serial so far?

Not very.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but if I was going to hazard a guess, I would say that it’s the pacing. There is not enough plot here to stretch over a six-part serial, and so in dragging out individual plot points that might actually have been interesting in a more densely-plotted story, all the flavour is drained out of them. Think of it like jam scraped over too much bread.

Now, that’s not to say that a story must have a dense plot to be good. Not by any means. However, what a good story may lack in plot it absolutely must make up in terms of interesting character insight and development, and apart from the core cast, I don’t even know the names of any other characters here! The jailor’s a drunken lecherous lout, an embodiment of contemporary Royalist stereotypes about the Revolutionaries, right down to the tatty uniform. The commander? Well, I’d give you my judgement only I don’t have one. I don’t recall one thing about him! As for the young aristocratic men, they seem nice enough but about as interesting as white bread. At least the men in the first episode had the distinguishing characteristics of being a snob and a coward. Not the best characteristics, but I remembered them, didn’t I?

We’ll have to see how the rest of the serial pans out for me to lay down any greater judgement one way or another, but between you and me? I wouldn’t hold my breath.


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