By Jessica Holmes

I love musicals. I love — despite its flaws — this weird little science fiction show: Doctor Who. You’d think if you put the two together you’d end up with something I adore. It didn’t work.

Yes, this is essentially a musical serial– or rather, a serial with musical narration and more than one actual on-screen musical number. It sounds completely bizarre, and that’s because it is.

Rather than the usual incidental music peppering Doctor Who’s serials, this time around the action is interspersed with a ballad written by Tristram Cary and performed by Lynda Baron. Cary has provided music for Doctor Who before, in The Daleks, Marco Polo and The Daleks’ Master Plan. I wish I could say I remembered any of the music in those serials, but I can’t. All the same, I have found that his latest offering has wormed its way into my brain, and I keep catching myself humming the tune… much to my dismay.

This one’s also an alleged historical with more inaccuracies than I can count, so to save us all a lot of time I’ll quickly explain the very basics of what ACTUALLY happened in Tombstone on October 26, 1881.

THE GUNFIGHT NEAR-ISH TO THE O.K. CORRAL

The conflict in Tombstone had been a long time brewing, the result of a long feud between the lawmen of Tombstone and the outlaw Cowboys finally coming to a head. That’s a long story and not really relevant, but it involves exciting things like stagecoach robberies, smuggling, political rivalries, and all that good stuff. What really kicked things off, however, was a drunken argument and a new gun-control law.

The night before the fight, Doc Holliday and Ike Clanton got into an argument, which Town Marshal Virgil Earp put a stop to before things could get out of control. However, Clanton didn’t drop the matter, and threatened both Holliday and the Earp brothers. The town of Tombstone had recently made it illegal to carry a weapon within the town limits (unless you were just passing through), giving Virgil the pretext he needed to pistol-whip and disarm Clanton. Virgil hauled Ike before a judge, who fined him for the offence, and then let him go. Clanton, none too pleased about being disarmed and whacked on the noggin, fetched five of his Cowboy buddies, including his brother Billy and the McLaury brothers.

Having got wind of the Cowboys being in town and apparently armed, Virgil deputised his brothers Morgan and Wyatt. Along with Doc Holliday they went to disarm the outlaws, finding them at an empty lot near the Old Kindersley Corral. It didn’t go well.
It’s not clear who shot first, but when the smoke cleared Billy Clanton and the McLaury brothers lay dead, and the only uninjured man on the opposing side was Wyatt Earp. Ike, for his part, had run from the fight.

In the aftermath, Ike brought charges against the Earps and Holliday for killing his brother, and following an investigation and trial, they were found to have acted within the law.

This is all a massive oversimplification of a very complex situation, but I’ve distilled it as best as I can.

And now for Doctor Who’s version of events.

A HOLIDAY FOR THE DOCTOR

Welcome to Tombstone, Arizona. It’s a nice little frontier town, mostly quiet until today. The notorious Clanton brothers (of which there are three: Ike, Billy and Phineas) have ridden into town to settle a score with Doc Holliday, noted gunfighter, gambler, and… dentist.

My American friends, I am so sorry for what you’re about to endure. Much as I often find American attempts at an English accent to be grating, I have to admit we’re much, much worse at yours. Some of these chaps are overshooting America, crossing the Pacific and landing in Australia.

The Doctor and company arrive and soon make the acquaintance of Town Marshal Vir–sorry, WYATT Earp. Virgil won’t be turning up until much later, sorry.

The Clantons discuss their plans to find Doc Holliday with their associate Seth Harper, but they're overheard by the bar singer, Kate. Kate immediately hurries off to warn her lover, Doc.

Doc, for his part, looks like they’ve tried really hard to make him bear a believable resemblance to the Doctor, despite the fact he was only thirty years old at the time of the fight. Kate and Doc get into a contest over who can overact the clumsily-written dialogue the hardest. That scenery must be really delicious.

I have to give credit where it’s due– the set is large and detailed enough to be believable. It’s even big enough to safely gallop a horse through.

Wyatt introduces the Doctor and company to local Sherriff Bat Masterson, and the Doctor claims that they’re a travelling band of players: Steven ‘Regret’, singer, Miss Dodo Dupont, pianist, and he of course is Doctor Caligari. This bit is quite funny, I’ll give them that.

The Doctor finds Doc canoodling with his lady friend in the back room of his parlour, and is not reassured to learn that he’s Doc’s first customer. Meanwhile, Dodo and Stephen try and fail to blend in with the locals as they swagger over to the saloon. It would help if their outfits weren't more fit for a fancy dress party than the Old West.

However, the Cowboys overhear the young pair talking about the Doctor, and under the mistaken assumption that they’re associates of Doc Holliday, confront the pair.

Stephen and Dodo try to protest, but the Cowboys are having none of it. If they're really musicians, why not entertain everyone with a song?

With a couple of handy hostages at the saloon, Seth waylays the Doctor as he emerges from his appointment looking rather the worse for wear. He extends a cordial invitation for a get-together at the saloon, which after some insistence the Doctor accepts.

Having overheard this, Doc insists that the Doctor take his gun. He’s not being charitable, mind you, he just wants to make sure that the Cowboys mistake the Doctor for him.

Back at the bar, the Cowboys confront Stephen and Dodo, who insist they’re really musicians, nothing to do with Doc Holliday. Well, if that’s so, how about a song?

Dodo mimes along to the player piano quite convincingly as Stephen sings the same ballad that’s been narrating all the goings on. He’s not bad, considering he’s being held at gunpoint. His commitment to maintaining a bad American accent isn’t doing him any favours though.

DON’T SHOOT THE PIANIST

The ever-so-heroic Doc Holliday watches as the Doctor heads to the saloon, anticipating that the Clantons will kill him in Doc’s place. However, Kate also heads back to the saloon, much to the relief of Stephen who has been made to sing the same song four times over.

So of course we all want to hear it yet again from her, don’t we?

In comes the Doctor, completely oblivious to the tension in the room until he hears the name Clanton and gets some inkling of the trouble he’s in.

His protestations that he’s not Holliday fall on deaf ears, but luckily for him Holliday had a change of heart. Hiding upstairs, Holiday fires off a few well-placed shots at just the right moment to enable the Doctor, Kate and Stephen to disarm the Cowboys.

Wyatt and Bat turn up, taking the Doctor into custody for his own protection– a fact that seems to be lost on Stephen, who immediately falls in with the Cowboys in the hopes of breaking him out. Of course, the Cowboys are only helping him so that they can get at ‘Doc’, but it takes the poor lad a while to catch on.

As for Dodo, she’s ended up with Doc Holliday, who won’t let her out of her room in case she gives away the ruse. After all, he’ll be safe with Earp.

It is at this point that the musical narration started to wear out its welcome. No, that didn’t take long at all, did it?

The Cowboys coach Stephen on what to do at the jailhouse to break the Doctor out, and Stephen finally realises that he can’t trust them, though he doesn’t let on. He sneaks off to the jailhouse and passes the Doctor a gun through the window of his cell, telling him to bluff his way out and escape before the Clantons come for him.

So what does the Doctor do? He hands the gun over to Wyatt and tells him about the escape plan.

Methinks the Doctor ought to swap his cowboy hat for a dunce cap. It’s also here that I noticed that the Doctor consistently calls Earp ‘Wearp’. Why? The Doctor knows who Earp is, and it’s too consistent to be a line flub, so I don’t really get it.

The Clantons catch Stephen sneaking back from the jailhouse, and poor Stephen finds himself being carted off by an angry mob intent on stringing him up as an associate of Holliday.

Dodo and company spot them heading away, so Doc leaps into action to rescue… his dentist chair. Seth spots him as he comes down the stairs, but Doc is a quicker shot. Leaving Seth dead on the floor, he has Kate saddle up three horses; Dodo will be leaving town with them.

The Clanton-led mob arrives at the jailhouse with an ultimatum: hand over ‘Doc’, or Stephen will swing in his place.

JOHNNY RINGO

Though the Doctor is more than willing to meet the mob’s demands, Earp isn’t about to give in. He sneaks around the back of the mob and knocks out Phineas Clanton, taking him into custody as the barman comes running up to tell everyone that he’s just seen the real Doc Holliday shoot Seth.

With their brother in custody, the other Clantons back off, heading to the saloon to drink it dry. They need a new associate. They need Johnny Ringo.

Because I can’t resist adding in a historical note: Johnny Ringo was a real outlaw, but he wasn’t involved in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral, but later incidents involving Doc Holliday and the Earps.

Doc, Kate and Dodo take a room in the next town, out of immediate danger but close enough that they can get back to Tombstone at a moment's notice. I say out of danger, but Doc manages to get into a brief offscreen shootout in the two minutes it takes him to scrounge up some supper.

Back in Tombstone, Johnny Ringo rides into town. Rather serendipitous, given that the Clantons didn’t have a way to contact him. It just so happens that he, too, has a score to settle with Holliday. Suspicious that Charlie the barman might warn the Earps about his presence, he shoots him dead.

Just in case we weren’t paying attention, the singing narration reiterates what just happened to Charlie in a desperate attempt to make us feel sad.

Meanwhile, Dodo wants to go back to Tombstone so badly she’s willing to hold Doc at gunpoint. He’s far more amused than threatened, but he does agree to take her back.

The Doctor and Stephen meet Ringo in the saloon and find the dead body of poor Charlie the barman. Seeing as they’re both looking for Holliday, Ringo takes Stephen to search for him. Stephen is apparently fine with teaming up with the very obvious outlaw.

Ringo and Stephen soon arrive in the next town and head for the saloon, figuring that Holliday will be in there gambling. However, they don’t find Holliday, but Kate.

Say, if Holliday and Dodo are on their way back from that town, wouldn’t they have passed Stephen and Ringo on the road?

The narration, long having worn out its welcome, thoroughly gets on my nerves. It is very rare that narration is even necessary in the first place. For an extra helping of lazy writing, the song tells us that Kate and Ringo were once lovers. Apparently there is no other way of conveying that. It’s not as if they could simply ACT as if they have a romantic past. Oh, wait, they do.

And because I’m already annoyed and on my high horse, I want to note that I have been unable to find any evidence of the real Kate and Ringo having ever been involved with one another, romantically or otherwise.

Kate tells Ringo that Doc headed out for New Mexico, hoping to throw him off the trail. However, Ringo has other ideas. He’ll be heading back to Tombstone, and Kate’ll be coming with him.

In the Tombstone jailhouse, Wyatt has left his younger brother Warren to guard the imprisoned Clanton. The other Clantons come by the jailhouse, and poor young Warren is too slow to get the draw on them. Leaving him bleeding on the floor, the Clantons break their brother out of jail.

The music and narration try to make it sad, but you can’t manufacture an emotional response to the death of a character I have absolutely no reason to care about.

Here’s another departure from history. Warren Earp was real, but not only did he have nothing to do with the fight at the O.K. Corral, the Clantons never did a thing to him! He died in 1900, long after this whole incident.

THE OK CORRAL

Someone, anyone, I beg of you. Please shoot the narrator.

At the saloon, Wyatt makes the Doctor a deputy, and his brother Virgil finally turns up to lend a hand. They soon find out what happened to Warren, and the dying man manages to tell them who did this to him before going to the great rodeo in the sky.

A furious Wyatt sends Virgil to tell the Clantons they’ll be waiting for them come sunup.

Ringo tells the Clantons to do as Virgil says. While they’re facing off against the Earps, Ringo can come up from behind and shoot them in the back. Well, that’s hardly sporting, is it?

Virgil gets back to Tombstone and tells the others that although he didn’t see Ringo himself, he saw his horse. So much for secrecy, eh, Ringo?

The Doctor despairs at this development. It seems like they’re hopelessly outgunned. However, he didn’t count on Doc Holliday.

He’s back, and he’s itching for a fight. Now that Doc’s here, the Doctor quite eagerly hands over his badge and gun. He’s not really cut out for all this wild west stuff.

Later that night, the Doctor frets over the coming duel. Shouldn’t the Clantons get a fair trial?

The Sheriff is relieved to hear he’s not the only sane man in town, so he sends the Doctor to try talking to the Clantons. Yes, I’m sure they’ll be perfectly reasonable and this can all be solved over tea and crumpets.

Hold on a minute. Is the Doctor trying to meddle with history? The one thing he always says he cannot and WILL NOT ever do?

All the same, it doesn't amount to much, given he only speaks to the Clantons' Pa, and the brothers have already left.

As the lawmen and the Cowboys assemble for their final standoff, the ballad warbles on, undermining the dramatic framing of the scene.

Doc almost gets caught out by Ringo, but the timely intervention of Dodo saves him. There’s a tense moment as Ringo grabs her and takes her hostage, leaving Doc with no choice but to drop his gun.

However, what self-respecting gun-toting sharp-shooting wild west hero would carry only one gun? Not Doc Holliday, that’s for sure. As Ringo stoops to pick up Doc’s gun, Doc whips out another and shoots him dead. Telling Dodo to get to safety, he joins the firefight.

The half-hearted anti-violence message the Doctor keeps attempting to bring up would be a lot stronger if Doc didn’t look so darn COOL when he’s shooting people.

When the smoke settles, the Clantons are all dead, and the lawmen don’t have a scratch on them. The goodies beat the baddies, and violence solves everything.

The Doctor laments the injustice of it all, but nobody cares. I don’t even think the writer cares. Doc sees them off, giving the Doctor a wanted poster as a souvenir. As for the Earps, they don’t show up again. It’s unclear what will happen to them.

As the travellers leave, they hear Kate off in the saloon, singing that bloody ballad. I’m sure it’s a coincidence that the Doctor starts immediately hurrying the others into the TARDIS.

They depart to parts unknown, landing on an unknown world in the far future. According to the Doctor, this is an age of peace, enlightenment and prosperity. If that’s so, then who is that caveman-looking fellow approaching the TARDIS?

Final Thoughts

I don’t know anyone who actually liked this serial. I don’t really know who it’s for. It’s too ahistorical to appeal to anyone who watches for the history aspect. I can’t imagine many parents were all that pleased with the amount of on-screen violence, though their children might have found it exciting.

The only attempt at a message or moral is that ‘violence is bad’ and I think we’ve seen how thoroughly it undermines itself on that count. As for the musical narration, that’s just baffling.

I get the feeling that this story wants to be a fun, comedic and light-hearted wild-west romp. The problem is that it’s not that fun. Take out the singing and people would probably see it as unusually dark and gritty for Doctor Who. There’s a few funny bits, but not really enough that landed for me to call it a successful comedy.

This feels like an attempt by Donald Cotton to recapture the success of his earlier story, The Mythmakers. It even repeats the plotline of the Doctor being mistaken for someone else. I am not sure what exactly is different here. Did the Mythmakers simply have a funnier script? Better comedic actors? I think a combination of the two is quite possible. Also possible is that it doesn’t have a singing narrator– sorry, I know I keep going on, but the narrator really did annoy me.

Basically, The Gunfighters doesn’t succeed at being anything other than a mildly diverting time-waster.

I do hope that there will be something better in store next time.

2 out of 5 stars

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