by Victoria Silverwolf

Guilty Pleasures

We all have secret vices. I have to confess to a few myself. One of them is so embarrassing that I blush to mention it.

I watch beach movies.

You know, those things where a bunch of young folks go to the side of the ocean to dance, surf, make out, and engage in comic antics? These films are really, really stupid, cheap little catchpenny efforts designed to lure teenagers to the drive-in, where they'll most likely ignore the screen and pay more attention to each other.

I like them.

There are too many of these goofy movies to talk about in detail, so I'll just mention a few before I get to the main topic of discussion.

The genre probably started with Gidget (1959), adapted from the novel Gidget, the Little Girl with Big Ideas (1957), about a teenage girl surfer.

Yes, I've read the book.

And I saw the movie. The nickname Gidget, by the way, comes from the phrase girl midget, oddly enough.

Other early examples include Where the Boys Are (1960), dealing with the misadventures of four man-hungry college co-eds enjoying spring break in Florida, and the inevitable sequels Gidget Goes Hawaiian (1961) and Gidget Goes to Rome (1963). (Weirdly, a different actress plays the title role in each film in the trilogy. I should know, because I've seen every darn one of them.)

As a change of pace, there was the serious drama Ride the Wild Surf (1964), which had a great theme song by Jan and Dean.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the all-time classic The Horror of Party Beach (1964), so eloquently celebrated by our Noble Host.

The trend really got started, however, with the unexpected success of Beach Party (1963), the first in a series of films starring ex-Mousekeeter Annette Funicello and teen idol Frankie Avalon.

At this point, the second question you're asking yourself (the first being Has she lost her marbles?) is What does any of this have to do with science fiction and fantasy? Well, besides the obvious relevance of the Party Beach Horror, many of these Frankie and Annette epics contain elements of these genres, sometimes minor, and sometimes major. Let's take a quick look at previous entries in the series before we get to the latest one, which arrived in theaters a couple of weeks ago.

Werewolves, Martians, Mermaids, and Other People You Find at the Beach

Beach Party (1963)

Plot: An anthropologist studies the primitive mating habits of teenagers.

Fantasy content: A couple of characters, who will show up again in later films, have bizarre telekinetic powers, of the kind you'll never see in Analog.

First of all, there's Candy, played by Candy Johnson, a woman who can dance incredibly fast. She has the ability to literally knock men down by — how can I put this delicately? — thrusting the lower back part of her body at them.

Then there's Erik Von Zipper, played by talented comic actor Harvey Lembeck. (You may remember him from Stalag 17 and The Phil Silvers Show.) He's the leader of the Rats, the local motorcycle gang that serves as the primary antagonist in most of the films. The anthropologist puts him in a trance by touching his head with his finger. Von Zipper uses the same technique in later movies, often accidentally doing it to himself.

Robert Cummings, as the anthropologist, freezes Harvey Lembeck's brain.

Personal note: Watch for a last-minute cameo role from a famous horror movie actor.

Muscle Beach Party (1964)

Plot: A group of bodybuilders try to take over the favorite beach area used by our heroes. Meanwhile, an Italian countess tries to steal the affections of Frankie away from Annette.

Fantasy content: In a scene so brief you'll miss it if you blink, a werewolf answers a telephone.

Personal note: Another cameo by a famous horror movie actor.

The movie suffers terribly from the absence of Erik Von Zipper and his gang, a mistake which will not be repeated in the following films. On the other hand, it's got a great musical performance by Little Stevie Wonder, not yet fourteen years of age at the time.

Little Stevie Wonder sings, and Candy Johnson dances; a combination that can't be beat.

Bikini Beach (1964)

Plot: A millionaire tries to prove that a trained chimpanzee is smarter than the teenagers at the beach. Meanwhile, a British rock 'n' roll star threatens to win Annette's heart.

Fantasy content: The chimp displays abilities far beyond those of a normal member of its species.

Like riding a motor scooter, for example.

That's because it's played by Janos Prohaska, who makes a specialty of wearing costumes as primates and other creatures. You may have seen him in The Outer Limits, as the monster in the episode The Probe.

Personal note: Yet another famous horror movie star has a cameo role.

The British musician, known as the Potato Bug, is played by Frankie Avalon in a double role. He's quite funny in what is clearly a spoof of the Beatles.

Pajama Party (1964)

Plot: As the first step in an invasion, a Martian named Go-Go arrives on Earth.

Fantasy content: See above. Because of its science fiction theme, I have to include it as part of the series, although it's somewhat different. No beach, for one thing. Annette plays Connie, instead of her usual role as Dee Dee, and Frankie Avalon only has a cameo appearance. However, Erik Von Zipper shows up, which justifies placing it on the list. Note that I do not include Ski Party (1965), although it is somewhat similar in tone to the beach movies, because it lacks any of the same characters. (I think too much about these things.)

Personal note: Watch for the great Buster Keaton, unfortunately cast as a stereotypical American Indian. We'll see a lot more of him later.

Keaton in the embarrassing role of Chief Rotten Eagle, with assistant Helga, played by Bobbi Shaw. We'll see her again, too.

Beach Blanket Bingo (1965)

Plot: A singer and her publicity agent get mixed up with the beach gang. She gets kidnapped by the Rats and our heroes have to rescue her from the clutches of the sinister South Dakota Slim. There's also some skydiving.

Fantasy content: In a major subplot, one of the beach boys falls in love with a mermaid.

Her name is Lorelei, and she is played by Marta Kristen.

Personal note: South Dakota Slim is played by Timothy Carey. You may have seen him in a couple of Stanley Kubrick films. He was the guy who shoots the horse in The Killing, and one of the doomed soldiers in Paths of Glory.

That Old Black Magic; Or, The Voodoo That You Do So Well

How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (1965)

Any film that has a trailer narrated by a pelican is OK in my book.

With all of that background in mind, let's take a close look at the latest offering from American International Pictures. Before I get started on the film itself, however, allow me to praise the opening credits. The clay animation is the work of Art Clokey, best known for creating Gumby, and it's very cool.

Just a sample. I seriously suggest that you go to your local drive-in and watch the movie, even if you drive away after the titles are over. They're well worth a look.

We begin with Frankie, serving in the Naval Reserve on a Pacific island named Guna Guna. His tour of duty seems like a pretty soft one, as he spends his time hanging out with a lovely young woman. Without any sense of irony, he wonders if his girlfriend Dee Dee is fooling around back in the States. The local lass brings him to a witch doctor, oddly named Bwana.

Irene Tsu, whose character is only known as Island Girl, and Buster Keaton as Bwana.

In exchange for torpedo juice — what you and I would call booze, although we'll later see that it literally comes out of torpedoes — Bwana will work his magic. With the help of his daughter, as yet unseen, he casts a couple of spells.

Bwana at work, with his assistant Khola Koku, played by Bobbi Shaw. She has a Swedish accent, like the character she played in Pajama Party.

One spell creates a pelican that will follow Dee Dee around and let them see what she's doing, in a sort of transoceanic television. The other sends an empty leopard skin bikini to the beach where Dee Dee hangs out.

The wild bikini before stuffing, in the movie's brief animated sequence.

This leads to some memorable dialogue.

BOY: Wow! Dig that wild bikini!
GIRL: It ain't nothin' without the stuffin'!

Recognizing a song cue when they hear one, the beach guys break into the title tune.

Thirty-six
Twenty-two
Thirty-six
That's how you
Stuff a Wild Bikini!

A moment later, the stuffing arrives, in the form of a stunningly gorgeous and shapely redhead named Cassandra, created by the powerful magic of Bwana's daughter.

Beverly Adams as the stuffing.

The idea is that every red-blooded male on the beach will drool over Cassandra, and not bother with Dee Dee. A reasonable plan, as Annette Funicello was pregnant during filming, and wears loose blouses and slacks throughout the film, instead of the skimpy swimsuits adorning all the other young ladies in the movie.

Unfortunately, Cassandra was created with one little problem.

BWANA: Daughter blew it with decoy. Mix up important ingredients. Use one ounce dove’s blood instead of one ounce gazelle blood. Dove blood make love, gazelle blood make graceful. Boy come along, jar her giblets, now all we have is lovesick stumblebum. (Turns to face audience) And that’s all the plot you’re gonna get out of me.

This speech from Keaton explains why Cassandra falls in love, and why she's as clumsy as she is beautiful. Her klutziness leads to a lot of slapstick antics.

Complications arise in the form of an ad man with the unlikely name of Peachy Keane. It seems that he's looking for the perfect Girl Next Door for a new ad campaign. Along for the ride is his assistant, Ricky.

Very Special Guest Star Mickey Rooney as Peachy eyes his choice for the Girl Next Door.

Meanwhile, Ricky, who is something of a playboy, has his eye on Dee Dee as his next conquest. I guess he prefers the sweet and innocent type rather than any of the countless bikini-clad sirens populating the film.

Dwayne Hickman as Ricky. Note the large bowl of popcorn, one of the many ways that Funicello's delicate condition is hidden from the camera.

As if all this weren't enough, our old friend Erik Von Zipper shows up, falls hard for Cassandra, and decides that he wants to be the Boy Next Door. This all leads up to a madcap motorcycle race, the winners — either Cassandra and Von Zipper, or Dee Dee and Ricky — to be chosen for the ad campaign.

I was rooting for these two. They're a lot more fun.

Well, we have to have a happy ending, so it won't surprise you that Frankie and Dee Dee, with some more help from Bwana's daughter, get back together. We only get to see the daughter, said to be the witch's witch, near the end, in another celebrity cameo.

I don't have to tell you who this is, right?

Worth a Trip to the Beach?

Let's face it; this is the silliest thing in the world. Even fans of the series will be disappointed by the fact that Frankie Avalon is barely in the movie, and has only one scene with Annette Funicello, which lasts a few seconds. The plot, such as it is, comes to a complete halt every few minutes for a song. (Even Erik Von Zipper sings twice.) Notable among these is The Perfect Boy, which contains some remarkable lyrics, provided by Dee Dee and a chorus of bikini girls.

The perfect boy doesn't have to be a Hercules
(Hercules)
The perfect boy doesn't have to be Euripedes
('Ripedes)

I didn't know beach bunnies were into ancient Greek playwrights.

On the other hand, there's something appealing about the unapologetic ridiculousness of the whole thing. The nutty story and wackiness of the gags encouraged me to turn off my brain and enjoy a sunny day by the sea.

It's not a cinematic classic, of course. I mean, you can't expect to have some film expert provide an introductory statement about the movie before showing it, the way you might for, say, Citizen Kane.

So rub on suntan lotion, grab your surfboard, and head down to your local seaside drive-in theater for some mindless entertainment.

Maybe not this one.

---

---

Our next Journey Show features Dr. Lisa Yaszek, a Professor of Science Fiction at Georgia Tech; Hugo Finalists Tom Purdom and Cora Buhlert; Marie Vibbert, author of 50 science fiction stories in magazines like Analog and F&SF; plus a musical performance by Lorelei!

DON'T MISS IT!