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[April 24, 1966] Playtime’s Over (Doctor Who: The Celestial Toymaker)

April 24, 2021 Jessica Holmes Leave a comment

By Jessica Holmes

We all have a different idea of the concept of ‘fun’. To me, ‘fun’ is a trip to Blackpool Pleasure Beach. I like a good rollercoaster. To others, ‘fun’ is watching a game of cricket. Strange but true. And to one peculiar individual, ‘fun’ is kidnapping people and making them play banal playground games under threat of eternal imprisonment and/or death.

To each one's own, I suppose.

Let’s take a look at The Celestial Toymaker.

THE CELESTIAL TOYROOM

As an aside before we begin, I am going to have to have a good look at my TV antenna. It was on the blink for much of the serial, so there’s every chance there are visual details in the plot that I may have missed.

We pick up where we left off last time: the TARDIS has landed in an uncertain time and place, and the Doctor is nowhere to be seen.

He's not gone walkabout, as you might expect. We can still hear his voice, but he’s otherwise completely undetectable, both invisible and intangible. Unable to operate his ship, the Doctor decides to leave the TARDIS to investigate. What could have caused this?

Well, I have an idea. Enter the Celestial Toymaker.

Now, this might not be on purpose, but considering he’s dressed in the (rather splendid) garb of an Imperial Chinese bureaucrat, I think it’s worth pointing out the use of the word ‘celestial’. Besides the more obvious meaning, it's also an old term for Chinese people, and not a very polite one either. It originally stemmed from Imperial China being also called the ‘Celestial Empire’, and so people from China who came to other countries were called ‘celestials’. It’s fallen out of fashion in more recent years, and is now considered to be more of a slur. Of course, the writer might not have meant anything by it, but with the Toymaker being dressed the way he is I would think it prudent to have a little more care in choice of words. Or choice of fashion.

It’s not the most egregious bit of language in this serial, but it seemed worth discussing.

The Toymaker does certainly live up to the latter part of his name, his realm littered with a variety of playthings. And that's not all he can do. In an act of sadism against the viewer, he gives his clown dolls the spark of life.

The Doctor suddenly reappears upon exiting the TARDIS, and ignores Dodo’s excellent advice that they should get back in and leave. Then again, if he did the sensible thing, most episodes would finish before they even started.

Steven sees visions of his memories in the chest of a big wind-up toy robot (it makes about as much sense as everything to follow), and the Doctor realises that they’re in the realm of the Celestial Toymaker.

That clears that up.

And now for the fun and games! The Toymaker spirits the Doctor away, leaving the others to get acquainted with the obviously evil clowns. I’m not afraid of clowns but I don’t much care for them in general, and these two seem designed to push my buttons.

The Toymaker is bored, you see, and his guests are his new playmates, willing or no. Steven and Dodo are going to have to complete a series of challenges if they ever want to find the TARDIS again, and they’re going to have to do it before the Doctor completes a 1023-move puzzle. Oh, and if they lose, they’ll be trapped here as a toy… forever.

The Toymaker sets the Doctor off on his puzzle, a 10-piece version of a puzzle more commonly known as the Tower Of Hanoi, but here referred to as the Trilogic Game. How it’s played is not important, but we’re subjected to an explanation anyway.

Meanwhile, the clowns set up an obstacle course for the others. They’re going to have to make their way through without falling down, and they’re going to do it blindfolded.

The clowns go first, the male one (Joey) running the course as the other (Clara) guides him using a buzzer.

The Doctor tries to communicate with his companions and warn them that the Toymaker’s minions are likely to cheat, but the Toymaker cuts him off. As punishment, he dematerialises most of the Doctor's body, except for his hand, which he needs to move the pieces.

Back in the other room, the clowns finish the course, and Steven and Dodo have their turn. It’s hard enough for Dodo to guide Steven using buzzer signals in the first place, but Joey makes it even harder as he moves bits of the course around.

They’re also extremely annoying. I cannot overstate how annoying they are. Clara, for some reason, keeps eggs in her hair. That’s just plain unsanitary. Joey won’t stop tooting his horn (not a euphemism), greatly irritating Steven and also me. Then there’s Clara’s incessant giggling.

I’m just saying if Steven snapped and knocked their heads together, I wouldn’t blame him in the slightest.

I hope they’re not meant to be funny.

Distracted and misled, Steven ends up right back where he started, only for Dodo to discover that Joey’s blindfold is see-through. The clowns cheated! The pair force the clowns to run the course again, determined that they will have a fair game. Joey has a harder time of it this go around, and when he stumbles and falls, Clara slumps lifelessly over the controls, and a police box appears. Alas, it’s not the real TARDIS.

Steven and Dodo find a slip of paper with a riddle, and exit through the rear of the fake TARDIS, the clowns reverting to their original state as they leave.

Before the closing credits roll, the riddle flashes up on screen. I had hoped that this was so viewers could make a note of it and ponder the solution at home, but no. It’s pointless. I spent precious minutes of my life contemplating this, and for what?

Four legs,
No feet,
Of arms no lack,
It carries no burden on its back.
Six deadly sisters,
Seven for choice,
Call the servants without voice.

THE HALL OF DOLLS

The Doctor continues his game, and Steven shows off his problem-solving capabilities when he comes to a door that won’t budge. He tries everything: pushing, shoving, hitting, more pushing. Nothing seems to work.

Dodo tries pulling, and voila! The door opens.

The Doctor tries again to communicate with his companions, so the Toymaker takes his voice. Looks like Mr. Hartnell’s off on his holidays.

Steven and Dodo soon meet their next challengers: the King and Queen of Hearts. How very Lewis Caroll.

With the arrival of the King and Queen comes a pertinent question: are these challengers entirely products of the Toymaker’s imagination, or are they people in the exact same predicament as Steven and Dodo? Steven’s firmly in the former camp, whereas Dodo is in the latter. As for me? Well, I’m still mulling it over.

There’s also a Knave and a Joker but they’re not very important.

The group find two throne rooms, one with four thrones and the other with three. Seven in total. Seven for choice, in fact. They quickly realise that only one of these thrones is safe to sit on, and they have to find it to escape. But how to tell which is safe? Fortunately, there are a few cupboards in which Steven and Dodo find a number of life-sized dolls. The King and Queen catch up to them, and Dodo, seeing them as potential allies rather than rivals, explains that they can use the dolls to test the chairs.

Steven chastises her against talking to the pretend people, which the King and Queen don’t much appreciate. Each taking a doll, the King and Queen go to try the thrones in the other room, deciding to pick a chair to test at random.

And then the King recites Eeny Meeny Miney Mo. Specifically, the old version which unfortunately is still quite popular. For those not in the know, the old version contains an extremely racist word I shall not be repeating here. Suffice to say it begins with the letter N. Sadly, there are many in Britain who wouldn’t think twice about using that word.

I can’t claim to be surprised, as the BBC is no stranger to racist programming. An obvious example of that would be The Black-And-White Minstrel Show, which has been running on the BBC for a good long while now and doesn't seem likely to stop any time soon.

It just saddens me to think that there may be millions of British children out there who have just been told that this is an acceptable word to use. How long before it enters their vocabulary?

Words have power, and when one's words are being broadcast to around eight million viewers, as a writer one has a responsibility to choose them carefully.

That's about all I feel able to say on the matter, so I shall press on.

Picking a throne, the King throws a doll onto the seat, only for it to get its head rattled off.

In the other room, Dodo and Steven are arguing over whether they should be helping the King and Queen, as the royals believe there to be only four dolls, with Steven keeping the knowledge of the other three to himself.

The question of their humanity comes up again, with Steven asserting that they’re tools of the Toymaker, so the pair have to look out for themselves. Normally I would side with Dodo, who thinks they’re innocent victims of the Toymaker, but I am inclined to agree with Steven here. They just don’t strike me as real people. They’re archetypes. They’re a lot like their counterparts from Alice In Wonderland, with the timid, submissive King and the dominant Queen. It's a bit of a sexist dynamic and all.

Dodo and Steven try a couple of chairs with no luck, watched by the Knave. The Knave doesn’t do an awful lot, though he does go back to check up on the King, who (supposedly) jokingly offers him a seat.

The King runs out of dolls to use, so he and the Queen return to Steven and Dodo, where they learn about the additional dolls after trying to force the Fool to be their guinea pig.

Well, even if they are real people, they’re real prats.

Taking the last dolls with them, the King and Queen leave Steven and Dodo with only one chair left in the room, and nothing to test them with.

Dodo sits down… and it’s not the right chair.

There’s a tense moment where it seems that Dodo is about to die by freezing solid, but Steven manages to help her get free, moments from death.

All’s not lost yet, however. Back in the other room, the King and Queen run into difficulties when the Joker refuses to be their guinea pig. Deciding that if they’re going to go, they’ll go together, they choose a seat and both sit down. Nothing happens. It seems they got lucky.

Or not.

Steven and Dodo enter just as the chair collapses under them. Not that lucky.

The Doctor’s companions use the last chair, and another fake TARDIS appears. The Toymaker gives them a ring on the TARDIS phone, and offers them a clue to their next game, and a way out, through a passage lined with life-sized ballerina dolls.

This week’s clue is:

Hunt the key, to fit the door
That leads out on the dancing floor,
Then escape the rhythmic beat,
Or you’ll forever, tap your feet.

I don’t know what annoys me more: the bizarre comma placement or the fact that these aren’t actually riddles that the audience can solve. Well, this isn’t even a riddle really, more rhyming instructions.

Why are they showing these at the end of the episodes?

THE DANCING FLOOR

Past the ballerinas, Steven and Dodo stumble upon a kitchen, where they meet some more of the Toymaker’s playthings, Mrs Wiggs the cook and Sgt. Rugg. These two are supposed to be funny, I think.

Per the rhyming instructions, Steven and Dodo start searching for the key to the dancing floor, which is just next door. The Sgt. and Mrs Wiggs’ antics quickly irritate Steven, who manages to hold his temper at the urging of Dodo. Again, I really can’t blame him. There are few things more annoying than an unfunny ‘comedic’ character.

Of course everything I say is pure comedic gold, so I can speak as an authority on that.

The Doctor keeps trying to slow his progress in the game to buy the others more time, but the Toymaker won’t have it, artificially skipping the game ahead dozens of moves at a time.

With a bit of buttering-up from Dodo, the Sgt. agrees to help the pair out in their search, but quickly runs afoul of the cook, who doesn’t appreciate the destruction he’s wreaking in her kitchen.

Like the previous challenges, this is painfully tiresome to watch.

We’re eventually put out of our misery when Dodo realises they haven’t looked inside the pie on the kitchen table, and plunging a hand into the pastry finds the key.

The pair rush off, leaving the others to get a good scolding from the Toymaker, who orders them to prevent the companions reaching the other end of the dancefloor.

If not, he’ll break them, as easily as smashing a plate.

Steven and Dodo enter a room with a triangular raised dais, on which three ballerinas dance beautifully. The music accompanying them is less than beautiful.

The cook and the Sgt. enter close behind them, and Steven attempts to cross the dancefloor. However, he immediately finds himself caught up in the dance– in fact, he can’t stop.

The dolls spin the group around the dancefloor, holding on with a grip like iron, but with some effort Steven and Dodo manage to dance their way over to yet another fake TARDIS. Will they ever find the real thing?

Dodo wonders if they’ll see the cook and the Sgt. again. Exasperated, Steven reminds her that they’re just figments of the Toymaker’s imagination. But if that’s true, then why do they always lose, and why always by doing something silly and human?

Maybe they really do have minds of their own.

Disgusted with his incompetent minions, the Toymaker offers up a new doll for them to play with, the nastiest apparently. A devil? A monstrous beast? No…it’s a jolly schoolboy.

Schoolboy? He looks at least forty!

I wouldn’t take his sweets if I were you, Dodo. There’s something unsavoury about his manner.

Lady luck
Will show the way,

Win the game
Or here you’ll stay

THE FINAL TEST

So, what’s our next game? Hopscotch. How thrilling. Throw in an electrified floor, however, and the game gets a little more interesting.

The ‘schoolboy’ Cyril seems to be playing fair at first, but keeps adding new rules to the game whenever the companions have the upper hand. With how irritating he is and his love of practical ‘jokes’ like hand-buzzers, some viewers may be reminded of the Billy Bunter character from the Greyfriars School stories. Amusingly, so many apparently noticed this the previous week that after this week’s episode the continuity announcer had to clarify that Cyril is merely a ‘Bunter-like’ character, therefore not infringing any copyrights.

Feeling generous, the Toymaker allows the Doctor the use of his voice again. Welcome back, Mr. Hartnell. Been anywhere nice?

Cyril’s mischief turns nasty in the hopscotch game as he almost knocks Dodo onto the electrified floor. When Steven comes over to scold him, Cyril sends both back to the start, as he had landed on Dodo’s triangle (and according to the rules, the previous occupant of a triangle has to go back to the start if someone else lands on that same triangle. Wow, that was boring to explain), and Steven broke the rules.

Steven tries to just hop over to the TARDIS at the end of the course, but the Toymaker pops up to do jazz hands at him and blocks his way with an invisible barrier. They’re going to have to play by the Toymaker’s rules.

Finding himself frustrated with the Doctor’s continuing reluctance to speak, the Toymaker accelerates the game to spite him. The others are going to have to hurry.

Their bratty opponent pulls an obvious stunt when he pretends to hurt his foot, and Dodo comes to see if he’s all right. He is, of course, and he’s tricked her into breaking the rules, so back to the start she goes. Again.

On Cyril’s next roll, he rolls high enough to win the game. In a shocking turn of events, however, he stumbles and falls. Zap.
It’s a good thing he turned back into a doll, or that would have been quite grisly. There’s an awful lot of smoke.

Steven finds that the tile Cyril slipped on was covered in a slippery powder, which he must have put there to sabotage the companions and forgotten about.

They finally reach the police box as the Doctor makes his penultimate move. Could it be they’ve found the real TARDIS? Yes. Yes they have.

Fully visible once more, the Doctor halts his game and goes to check on his ship, reuniting with his friends.

Their relief doesn’t last long, as the Toymaker shows up to remind them that they still haven’t won. In fact, they can’t win. If the game ends, this whole world will disappear, and them with it. However, they can’t leave until the Doctor finishes his game. It’s quite the Catch-22.

It doesn’t look like they can talk their way out of this…or can they? Ordering Steven to pre-set the TARDIS controls, the Doctor pulls off an uncanny impression of the Toymaker’s voice to order the game to advance to the final move.

The face the Toymaker pulls as his world collapses is absolutely hilarious.

Still, being an immortal the Toymaker will surely be back some day, and he won’t let the Doctor get away with a trick like that again. That’s a way off though, so for now they can celebrate with some sweets.

And the Doctor promptly cracks a tooth on one.

I suppose next week will be the thrilling search for a dentist.

Final Thoughts

That brings us to the end of The Celestial Toymaker. I wanted to like this serial. There is plenty about it that I can appreciate. Micheal Gough’s performance as the Toymaker is a real highlight. He’s a very charismatic and compelling villain, definitely a worthy opponent for the Doctor. In many ways, he’s like a petulant child, almost pitiable, but there’s a real icy malice under it all. He’s a cautionary tale about the downsides of immortality. If you live forever, mortal lives are so short compared to yours they might as well be mayflies. What do morals matter to you when you outlive everyone who remembers your sins?

I’d certainly be open to seeing him make another appearance at some point, sans clowns.

The overall concept is quite fun, but the dull nature of the challenges made the execution quite lacklustre. When talking with friends, some complained that this serial was too fantastical. I disagree. I don’t think it was fantastical enough. We’re in a world entirely created from the imagination of a bored immortal, and the best he can come up with is electric hopscotch? Why not lean into the surrealism, a world that’s at turns both dream and nightmare? I don’t really care how the Toymaker has this level of control over his world, but I do care that he doesn’t use his powers to do much that’s truly interesting.

Something I’m a little surprised wasn’t brought up again at the end was the issue of the Toymaker’s playthings. Over the course of the serial, it’s all but outright stated that all his toys were once people. The Toymaker may have supplanted their wills with his own, but there are hints that there’s still some small part of the original person buried deep down.

Though the Toymaker must survive the destruction of his world, what of the toys? Are they too far removed from their humanity to be worth saving?

That said, they were all extremely annoying and I am not at all sorry to see the back of them.

There’s not much to complain about in terms of production value, with some pretty elaborate sets, effects and costumes. I did rather like the costuming work on the King and Queen of Hearts.

I can’t offer as much praise to the music in this serial, which seemed composed specifically to aggravate me. It’s repetitive, grating, unpleasant and repetitive.

Well, that’s enough griping for today, I think. Join me next time as we take a trip to the Wild West in search of… a dentist. It’s not the weirdest premise for a story I’ve ever heard.

3 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[March 28, 1966] Typhoid Doctor (Doctor Who: The Ark)

March 28, 2021 Jessica Holmes 1 Comment

By Jessica Holmes

Spring has sprung, and rather than going outside to look at the flowers, I’ve been on my settee watching science fiction serials. All is as it should be. So, what do we have this month? Let’s take a look at The Ark, written by Paul Erickson and Lesley Scott. Going by my records, we've never had a woman writer credited on Doctor Who before. Hopefully Lesley Scott will be the first of many!

I will admit it's clever to get the actors to hold their 'eyes' in their mouths.

THE STEEL SKY

We open in a lively forest, various critters scampering about. There’s a lizard, a toucan, a weird cyclops-thing in a bad wig… the usual rainforest menagerie, basically.

There’s even a Dodo.

The new addition to the crew of the good ship TARDIS is the first out the door, taking her sudden change of surroundings entirely in stride. After all, they’re only a little way outside London.

London, well known for its population of Indian elephants. Dodo presumes they’re in a zoo enclosure. That would make sense if not for the ugly chap with the table tennis ball in his mouth.

I think they might have just gone through the entire production budget for the series. It's not often we see real live creatures on Doctor Who, much less actual elephants. Perhaps they went to the zoo and snuck a camera in the picnic hamper?

The Doctor notices that this jungle seems to be missing something vital: the sky. Add that to the trembling ground and the unusual buildings in the distance, and the full picture becomes clear. They’re not at the zoo. They’re not even on Earth. They’re on a spaceship!

I’d say that’s nothing to sneeze at, but Dodo can’t seem to stop. The Doctor immediately gets to do some surrogate grandfathering and scolds her for not using a handkerchief, then proceeds to ask just what in the world she’s wearing.

I think the doublet and mismatched stockings ensemble looks quite good on her, in an odd way. It’s like a medieval spin on the Mod look. Very Twiggy.

Their presence hasn’t gone unnoticed though, and one of the creatures (‘Monoids’ being the correct nomenclature) informs their human bosses of the intruders. Baffled, the humans decide to bring the travellers in for questioning.

Back in the forest, the Doctor has moved on from critiquing Dodo’s fashion sense to nagging her about her improper English. Well I’m sorry Doc, but we can’t all talk in perfect RP. Snob.

The Monoids round up the wayward group, and bring them to the humans. The Doctor doesn’t criticize their fashion sense, though he should. They look like they’re wearing party streamers. Also, they aren't around for long so I didn't bother writing down their names. It's really not important.

I take an immediate dislike to the leader of the humans, who explains that they’re in a spaceship carrying the Earth’s population to a new world, as the old Earth is soon to be engulfed by the dying Sun. As for the Monoids, they came as refugees to Earth from a similar situation, offering their service in exchange for their survival. The humans took them up on the offer, which strikes me as exploitative, and the leader's smarmy attitude makes me wonder if this service is at all voluntary.

It's hard to capture smarminess in a still image, but I think this epitomises it.

Unfortunately for both the humans and the Monoids, the Doctor and company have brought more than just well-wishes. You see, other than having to flee the Earth, life for the future humans is pretty good, annoyances like the common cold having long since gone the way of the dodo…

And now the Dodo's back.

She keeps sneezing away as the leader of the humans has a nice chat with the Doctor. This is a generation ship, its journey expected to last seven hundred years. Why so long? They’re picky.

The new planet, Refusis II (catchy) is the only one they can find which has a climate just like Earth’s. I hope it’s mostly like the Mediterranean. I wouldn’t fancy living on the Planet Of The English Drizzle.

They’ve loaded the whole of Earth’s population onto this ship, down to the last ant. What with all the peoples of the world on this ship, it’s funny that every single human they’ve encountered is white (and going by accent and language, English). Funny, that.

It’s a touch more complicated than that, though. Obviously it’s impractical to have billions of people running about a spaceship, so most of the population have been shrunken to microscopic size and stored in trays, while a small group remains full sized, guiding the ship to its destination. Ah, so the reason that the ship seems to have nobody but white Brits (and aliens) onboard is that they’re in charge and everyone else is… luggage.

I see.

It’s not all fun and games and dubious implications, however! The Guardians have even found time for a bit of art. They’re working on a colossal statue of homo sapiens, begun on Earth and expected to be completed around the end of the voyage. The projected design is really…something.

Something like a giant half-naked Beatle holding a grapefruit, that is.

The idea’s nice at least.

All’s not well aboard the Ark, alas. It seems a strange disease is spreading among the crew of the ship, all the way to the very top of the chain of command. When a Monoid dies and the commander of the ship is taken ill, the Doctor and company are arrested.

Dodo really should have brought her hankie.

THE PLAGUE

Fearing that they’re all doomed, the Guardians imprison the Doctor and his companions. The Doctor reassures an upset Dodo that if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his, as she had no way of knowing about the danger. Steven wonders aloud if this is the first time this has happened, spreading a disease to a vulnerable population. Could it be that the Doctor is a time-travelling Typhoid Mary?

The Doctor’s verdict is to try and not think about that too much. See, this is why you should always get your jabs before travelling, and quarantine where necessary. Time travel responsibly, chums.

The virus rages through the ship, afflicting the Monoids worst of all. The Guardians’ microbiologists are at a loss, as all data on the common cold was lost in a war long ago.

At death’s door, the commander tells his daughter to make sure the voyage goes ahead. Even on the brink of death he seems smarmy. Perhaps he’s just an over-actor.

Following the funeral of the first Monoid to die of the disease, the Guardians commence with the trial, calling Steven to give evidence.

They accuse him of coming to spread the disease on purpose, suspecting the travellers of being natives of Refusis II, come to sabotage their mission.

Oh, so Refusis II is inhabited, is it? What exactly is the plan when the Guardians arrive? Are they going to ask nicely for a place to stay, or will we just have colonialism in space?

Steven starts to look rather sweaty under the interrogation, but methinks that’s nothing to do with the grilling they’re giving him.

The Guardians almost come around to believing Steven when he says it was an accident, but then disaster strikes. A Guardian has died of the fever. With one of their own dead, the Guardians readily find Steven and his friends guilty, not even allowing his advocate, the commander’s daughter, a word in edgeways. Just once it’d be nice if the Doctor and company ended up somewhere with a decent judicial system.

The Guardians rule that the group shall be ejected from the ship, and Steven picks the perfect moment to faint. It would seem that he too has come down with the fever.

The Doctor begs to be allowed to try and save Steven and all the other afflicted, and the Guardians initially refuse his offer, until the commander, who has been watching all this unfold from his sickbed, orders them to let the Doctor go and give him everything he needs.

To be on the safe side, they make the Doctor use Steven as his guinea pig. Well, better him than hurting a real guinea pig, I say.

The Doctor comes up with a plan to recreate the old vaccine (as unlikely as a vaccine for the common cold sounds), for which he’ll need some ‘animal membranes’. The Monoids collect what he needs, and help the Doctor as he perfects the formula. As he mildly condescendingly puts it, they’re more knowledgeable than most people realise.

I’m not sure being smart makes their indentured servitude (or worse) any less wrong.

The Doctor tests his cure out on Steven, and rather than waiting to see if it cures or kills him, he immediately goes and starts treating other patients. He’s just asking for a malpractice lawsuit.

It takes an hour, but eventually the medicine kicks in and Steven, the commander and everyone else who got sick are on the mend.

With the commander back on his feet, the journey can continue, and the Doctor prepares to depart. It looks like everything is going to be okay.

Or is it?

The TARDIS dematerialises, only to rematerialise in what appears to be the same spot. However, upon leaving the ship to investigate, the group find the ship deserted. One look at the now-completed statue tells them how long they’ve been gone: seven hundred years.

It seems they’ve missed a lot in the interim.

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that massive statue wasn’t meant to have a Monoid’s head.

THE RETURN

After some searching, the group finally find what’s become of the passengers of the Ark. The Monoids are now on top, the humans having become their slaves.

Oh, and the Monoids can talk now. That’s handy, though I had rather enjoyed an alien race who communicated through signing.

They soon run into a Monoid, who takes them to the leader of the Monoids, One. Finally, some names I can actually remember.

From One, they learn that although they did cure the initial outbreak of the fever, a mutated form developed, which ended up weakening the Guardians enough for the Monoids to overthrow and subjugate them.

Rumour soon spreads among the enslaved Guardians that there are time travellers onboard, but not everyone believes it. However, it’s soon proven true when the Monoids bring the time travellers to the, uh, ‘security kitchen’.

Well, could be worse. They could have been dumped in the lavatory jail.

With their guests having been shown to their accommodations, the Monoids discuss their plans for when they land on Refusis II. One is planning to destroy the Guardians when they land. Not really sure why. Probably spite.

In the kitchen, Dodo asks why the humans haven’t fought back. Wow, gosh, I bet they never thought of that (!)

One’s second in command, the creatively-named Two enters the kitchen, and the Guardians try to snatch his heat gun away. However, Three comes in moments later and shoots one of the Guardians, foiling the attempt. Two orders the Doctor and Dodo to come with him. They’ll be part of the landing party, and Steven will remain here, to ensure that the others behave themselves.

They head down in a pod with Two and another Guardian, and find a world both verdant and completely empty…or so it would appear.

Unseen to both the audience and the characters, something enters the ship, sits down, and fiddles with the controls before leaving again. The only sign that they’re there is a slight depression in the cushion of the seat, and some moving levers.

On reflection, it might have been a mistake to try and show you something invisible.

Unable to find any signs of habitation, the Doctor declares that the colonisation can go ahead. Two, subtle as a brick, laughs and says it might not take as long as the Doctor expects.

He might as well have thrown back his head and done a dramatic cackle.

Moving a little further afield, the Doctor spots a castle in the distance, and wonders why none of the inhabitants have shown up. The group investigate the castle, finding it to be in excellent condition, but deserted. Two is convinced the Refusians are hiding, and like the monster he is he knocks over a vase of flowers. What did the flowers ever do to him?!

The Doctor tells him to behave himself, and an unseen voice concurs, before an invisible force sets the flowers back in their proper places.

Back on the ship, One and Three discuss their plans to deal with the humans, and find the most roundabout way possible of saying they’re going to blow up the ship with an atom bomb. And guess where it is? It’s in the statue.

They go on loudly discussing it, not realising that one of their human servants is watching everything on the ship’s surveillance cameras. He rushes to the kitchens to report what he saw, though the rest of his species aren’t best pleased to see him. It would seem he’s a collaborator. However, Steven advises that they should hear him out, and he tells them all about the bomb, but alas he couldn’t see from his viewpoint where it was hidden. They’ll have to find the bomb themselves.

Down on the planet, the Doctor’s having a nice chat with his new invisible friend. The people of Refusis II have known about the coming of the Ark for a while, and built facilities for the humans to use. A solar flare rendered the inhabitants of Refusis II invisible and incorporeal, and they’re lonely, unable to interact with one another. Essentially, it’s a planet of ghosts.

That seems a bit convenient. It’s basically just sidestepping any discussion of the ethics of settler colonialism, which would be very interesting to cover in a science fiction setting.

Two goes to report back to the Ark, and realising the Monoids’ plans for humanity, his human servant attacks him, trying to stop him from warning the others about the native inhabitants. However, he loses the fight, dying what appears to be an agonising death.

Two starts to make his report using the pod’s communications equipment, and then something goes a little bit wrong.

The pod blows up.

THE BOMB

Rather than sending another scouting party to find out what happened to Two, One decides to go ahead with the landing. However, some of the other Monoids have reservations about this whole plan for colonisation.

The Doctor and Dodo meet back up with their invisible friend. The Refusians blew up the pod because they’re a peaceful bunch. Mostly. They don’t much fancy handing their planet over to the Monoids, given that they made such a bad first impression.

The Refusians are still open to the humans living on their planet, as long as the humans manage to regain control of the Ark.

They’ll need to get out of the kitchen first. Luckily, they have a plan for that. When the Monoid collaborator returns one of the Monoids’ eating trays to the kitchen, one of the Guardians sneaks out the door behind him. Once he’s gone, the Guardian on the outside opens the door for the rest of the group.

Well, that was simple. I’m surprised they didn’t try that sooner. You’d think there’d be guards.

The Monoids prepare to head off, setting their bomb to detonate in twelve hours– more than enough time for some escaped humans to find it. I wonder why they left such a long timer. Did they leave themselves a little extra time in case they get down to the planet and realise they forgot to bring their toothbrushes?

The Monoids find the remains of Two’s pod on Refusis II, and the Doctor and Dodo observe from a distance as Four discusses his plans to confront One and return to the Ark. After they go, the Doctor and Dodo steal aboard the pod and use its communication equipment to talk to Steven. The Doctor promises to send the landing pods back to the ship so that the humans can escape, and he’ll also find out where the bomb is hidden. How? Well, his invisible friends can help with the former, and for the latter, the Doctor does what he does best: he has a little chat.

One starts to interrogate the Doctor, but Four throws a spanner in the works as he picks his moment to confront One. Four fears that One has led them to certain doom, and wants to return to the ship. However, One taunts him that he’ll have a hard time getting the bomb out of the statue, so it’s not as if he has any choice. Undeterred, Four heads off with a few of his own allies, and One takes his forces to pursue the errant subordinate, leaving the Doctor and Dodo behind.

One of the pods makes it back to the Ark, and Steven comes up with a plan. They can’t all fit in the pod, so half the Guardians will go down to Refusis II to help the Doctor, and the others will look for the bomb. Practically daring fate to hand him an ironic death, the collaborator says he’s not going to risk his life searching the ship, so the others agree he can go down to Refusis II.

Down on the planet, One and his allies confront the defectors, engaging in a firefight that leaves a number of them dead. The Guardian pod lands in the middle of the skirmish, and the collaborator is the first one out.

…And the first one gunned down.

The Monoids continue to fight, and the other Guardians sneak out of the ship and have the good sense not to go running up to the nearest Monoid, so they manage to find the Doctor and Dodo and distract their guard.

Four is the last Monoid standing by the time they make it back to the pod. He doesn’t even bother to stop them. He looks exhausted, which is quite impressive acting given that he’s mostly made of rubber. Casting his weapon aside, he allows them to pass.

The group race back to the Ark, the Doctor sending Steven a message on the way there. But how are they going to get the bomb out of the statue?

Well, apparently the Refusians are immensely strong space ghosts. Our invisible friend picks the statue up as if if were made of polystyrene, and launches it out of the ship, there to safely detonate.

So, all’s well that ends well. The Refusians insist that the humans and Monoids must live together in peace, and the Doctor beats us over the head with the aesop of the story: don’t make a whole group of people second-class citizens, or they might rise up and return the favour.

It’d be a bit stronger if the narrative treated the Monoids as equal to the humans, but I don’t think it does. We don’t really get any Monoids to sympathise with. They don’t even have real names, only numbers. We don’t really get an explanation from the Monoids themselves about what made them rise up (other than ‘because they could’). What’s more, their leadership is shown to be worse than the human leadership, and the humans end up back on top in the end anyway. The Doctor’s little speech at the end gives the illusion of balance to a script which, when you step back and look at the whole thing, is quite solidly on the Guardians’ side.

And the speech does feel a little patronising too, like the Monoids were a bunch of children the Guardians were meant to be looking after.

You can tell it's an important speech because he's doing the thing with his lapels again.

Little speech given and lessons learned all around, the Doctor and company depart, leaving the Guardians to start building their new world, and from the way they’re talking about the Doctor, they might be about to start a cult.

Aboard the TARDIS, Dodo changes into some more normal apparel, and then something quite odd happens.

The Doctor fades away with a sneeze, before vanishing entirely. He’s still around– at least, his voice is. But the man himself is nowhere to be seen! It would seem that the time travellers are in mortal peril.

…Again.

Final Thoughts

I'm not sure there's much else to say on The Ark that I haven't already covered (she said, then continued for another few hundred words). The production value is quite impressive, with large sets and the procurement of live animals, but the costuming doesn't match up.

The politics of the story would appear to have a colonialist bent, what with the humans heading for an inhabited world and just assuming they can move straight in. Then there's the matter of the human-Monoid relationship, which I already mentioned, but it ties back into the colonialist sentiments, the sense of paternalism even promoted by the Doctor himself. With the sun setting on the British Empire, perhaps we ought to turn a more critical eye to these imperialist attitudes and narratives.

I don't feel qualified to speak further on the matter, so I'll leave it to you to discuss.

We've not seen enough of Dodo for me to make any real judgements on her. She doesn't have much to do in the story, besides setting the whole chain of events in motion. Still, that's not even by any deliberate action of hers. It's a simple matter of biology. That's not what I'd call an active contribution to the plot. I also didn't much like how critical the Doctor was of her. I know he's pretty much desperate for another Replacement Susan, but they've only just met and he's already scolding her on her dress and diction. Steven seemed to warm up to her a bit by the end of the serial, but he wasn't exactly welcoming at first.

A thought did occur to me as I was typing up this conclusion. I was pondering how the argument between Steven and the Doctor seems to have been dropped. I realised that it hasn't. This serial is a direct response to the last. Steven pointed out the Doctor's lack of regard for the people left behind at the end of their adventures, and this serial reinforces his point. It's effectively two stories in one. There's the story of the plague, and then the consequences that the Doctor isn't normally around to see.

Other than that, the story is just… decent? The Doctor would scold me for saying so, but that's the most apt word for it. It's not boring, but it's not really anything extraordinary. Well, they can't all be winners.

3 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[February 28, 1966] A Bloody Return To Form (Doctor Who: The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve)

February 28, 2021 Jessica Holmes 1 Comment

By Jessica Holmes

Welcome back, everyone! We finally, finally get to move on to a new story. Jumping off the back of the behemoth that was The Daleks’ Master Plan, The Massacre of St. Bartholomew’s Eve is a breath of fresh air at just 4 episodes long.

It’s also a pure historical (goodness, I’ve missed them), and what’s more it centres on a topic I don’t know much about. It’s time to put Doctor Who’s educational value to the test.

WAR OF GOD

France, 1572. The TARDIS lands in the bustling streets of Paris. The Doctor and Steven don some local garb and head straight for the nearest tavern.

Inside, we meet several of our main characters, making for quite a convenient introduction. We’ve got the level-headed Nicholas and the hot-tempered Gaston, both Huguenots, and we also meet Simon, a Catholic with no great fondness for the bunch. It’s worth noting they’re all fictional. The script wastes little time in establishing their characters. By the time the Doctor and Steven actually get inside, I’ve got a pretty good read of the bunch. With the Huguenots not being too popular in Paris, Simon has little difficulty in convincing the landlord to spy on the Protestants.

Over a cup of wine, the Doctor and Steven make plans for their day in Paris. The Doctor plans to visit a man called Preslin, and in the meantime Steven decides to go sightseeing. Not that there’s much to see. Most of the Paris landmarks we know today haven't been built yet. Still, I suppose there’s Notre Dame.

There probably aren’t any nice little crêpe stands around yet, though.

As the Doctor leaves, he bumps into a stranger who begins to follow him. Steven attempts to go after him, but finds himself waylaid by the classic tourist blunder: not understanding foreign money. Seeing his predicament, Nicholas helpfully covers the tab and invites Steven to join him for a drink with his Huguenot friends.

Across Paris, the Doctor makes it safely to his destination. He finds an old man, an apothecary named Preslin. He is something of a conundrum for me. There is no Preslin as far as I have been able to tell. And yet, apparently this bloke has not only discovered microorganisms, but also found the link between microbes and disease. Setting aside the anachronism of the latter part, I don’t understand why this fictional character is presented as if he were actually a historically significant person. It seems to be made up for no good reason. I think it could make less historically-savvy viewers confused.

Back with Steven, the Huguenots soon meet Anne Chaplet, a runaway servant of the local Abbot, and agree to hide her.

Speaking of the Abbot, the Doctor’s asking Preslin about him right now. The (also fictional) Abbot of Amboise is by Preslin’s account a rather unpleasant character, and quite keen on throwing people into prison for heresy.

Anne tells the group after some coercion from Gaston that she overheard talk of a planned massacre of Huguenots. Unfortunately for her, the Abbot’s men know that she knows, and her life is at risk.

The Huguenots arrange for her to go to the kitchens of the (real) Admiral de Coligny, a prominent Huguenot and friend of the King. However, the landlord is making good on his promise to Simon. He listens intently as the group realise that there might be a plot brewing against Henry of Navarre, the Protestant prince who has just married the Catholic King’s sister. The Huguenots depart, leaving Steven to continue waiting for the Doctor.

The landlord tells Simon about the girl, and the newcomer Englishman, pointing Steven out to him. As Nicholas returns, Simon hides, watching as Nicholas asks the landlord to tell the Doctor, should he show up, that Steven is staying at the Admiral’s abode.

Successful, Simon can now report to his master, the Abbot.

Is it me, or does he look a bit familiar?

THE SEA BEGGAR

The Doctor fails to make an appearance at the tavern the following morning, so Steven returns to his Huguenot friends, who have a visitor: the secretary to the Abbot, Roger Colbert. He’s come to ask about Anne, the servant girl. Gaston lies to cover for her (he may be rather rude, abrasive and outright classist at times, but he does have his good moments), and sends Roger away.

However, Roger didn’t come alone. Out the window, the Huguenots spot none other than the Abbot himself! Steven finds himself in hot water with his new friends when he identifies the Abbot as the Doctor.

Under suspicion that he’s a Catholic spy, Steven takes Nicholas to find the Doctor and prove the uncanny resemblance.

Meanwhile, the Admiral meets with Marshal Tavannes (based on the real Gaspard de Saulx, sieur de Tavannes), and it quickly becomes apparent that they don’t get along well because of their religious differences.

Steven and Nicholas make it to the apothecary, but they find it empty. A local woman tells them Preslin hasn’t lived there since he was arrested for heresy two years ago.

…Then who was the Doctor talking to?

Upon being confronted by Nicholas, who reasonably believes him to be a liar, Steven makes a run for it. Nicholas returns alone to the other Huguenots, and reports the unhappy news of Steven’s presumed treachery. However, Anne speaks out in Steven’s defence, him having only been the one to treat her with a bit of actual kindness and respect.

Refraining from referring to the working class as ‘nothings’ will do wonders for your interpersonal relations, Gaston.

Steven goes to the Abbot’s apartment, where he overhears the Marshal, Simon and Roger plotting the assassination of the ‘Sea Beggar’. Simon assumes the order comes from none other than the Queen Mother, Catherine de' Medici.

Steven hurries back to the Huguenots to warn them, narrowly avoiding the wrong end of Gaston’s sword. Operating more on testosterone than common sense, Gaston kicks Steven out, for which Nicholas scolds him. Sure, not stabbing the bloke was a nice gesture, but it might have been useful to actually try listening to what he had to say.

Anne joins Steven as he leaves, and the two decide to hide at the abandoned apothecary.

Back at the house, the Admiral arrives home. While all this has been going on, there’s been a bit of a subplot about allying with the Dutch against Spain. He thinks he may have got the King to agree to the war. However, the monarch warned him that if he goes ahead, the Admiral will go down in history as the ‘Sea Beggar’.

A weird nickname will soon be the least of his problems.

PRIEST OF DEATH

Though the war with Spain subplot does not enormously interest me, I have to tell you about it for context reasons, and also so I can make fun of characters for having silly ideas.

See, the Admiral seems to think that allying with the Dutch rebels against Spain will be just the thing to unite the country and quell the brewing civil unrest. He, a Protestant, wants to lead a majority-Catholic country into war against another strongly Catholic country. In aid of a bunch of staunch Protestants. Yes, that definitely sounds like it’ll be a really popular war.

The King’s got a worse attention span than me, though. He gets tired of the conversation and insists on changing the subject.

Steven tries to get Anne to come with him to the Abbot’s apartment. Come on, Anne, go with the nice handsome stranger. Though I wonder: how does Steven speak French? English schools are rubbish at teaching foreign languages.

The Admiral and the Marshal are on the brink of coming to blows over their religious differences (something I genuinely don’t understand and this serial doesn’t seem interested in really exploring) when the King finally sees fit to do a little bit of ruling and tells them to sit down and shut up.

Or something to that effect, anyway.

To which the Admiral responds by insulting his mother. The King likes that. She won’t bother him for the rest of the day now, so they can go and play tennis.

Sometimes I wonder how the concept of hereditary rule lasted as long as it did.

Steven finds the Abbot, and to buy some time with him he says he’s come to return Anne. He could have warned Anne first, but it does get the Abbot’s attention, and he tells the pair to wait for him while he has a meeting. Steven overhears everything, learning the location of the Admiral’s planned assassination. Before he can learn more, however, Roger spots him and informs the Abbot that Steven is the Englishman he’s been telling him about.

Steven runs back to the Huguenots to warn them, and Nicholas gets to the Admiral in the nick of time to watch him get shot. Well, it’s the thought that counts. At least he’s not dead.

Learning that the attempt has failed, the Marshal suspects that the Abbot is a traitor to the Queen.

The King isn’t happy to learn of the Admiral’s injury, though he might be more upset at having his game of tennis interrupted. It’s hard to tell from the temper tantrum.

The Admiral returns home, and Steven finally gets the chance to tell the Huguenots everything he’s learned, but he’s still convinced that the Abbot is the Doctor. Well, if that’s the case then he’s certainly very dedicated.

And also very dead.

We’d better hope that the Abbot and our Doctor are two different people, or we’ll need a new name for the programme.

What’s more, the death is being blamed on the Huguenots, stoking the tensions in the city even further. His Royal Foolishness puts the Marshal in charge of ensuring the Admiral’s safety. It comes to him as news when dear old Mumsie comes in to tell him that the Marshal was in on the plot, and so was she. Well, that’s monarchy for you. Kill your enemies before they get the chance to do the same to you.

In the streets, tensions continue to rise. The crowd are looking for someone to blame for the death of the Abbot. Steven arrives at the scene of the Abbot’s murder to find what looks like his friend (and only ride out of here) lying dead on the floor. He doesn’t have time to mourn, as the crowd turns on him when Simon spots him and points the finger. All Steven can do is run for his life.

BELL OF DOOM

Though delayed by the curfew, Steven eventually makes it back to Anne, who is very relieved to see him alive and in one piece. Together they comb over the apothecary’s shop, trying to discover where the Doctor stashed his clothes. If he can’t find the TARDIS key, Steven’s going to be stuck here. Paris doesn’t seem like a great place to live right now. Quite apart from all the religious unrest and lack of indoor plumbing, you can’t even buy a croque monsieur yet. I mean, what’s the point?

Anyway, he’d better hurry up, because the Marshal and Simon are planning to find and kill him. It’s just one thing after another for the poor bloke.

Anne finds the Doctor’s stick, but no sign of his clothes. Where could they be? Well, the obvious place.

They’re on the Doctor’s body.

The Doctor finally turns up, having been… where, exactly? On holiday? He’s not forthcoming with any answers.

Meanwhile, Gaston begins to worry about the obvious danger of the Admiral being guarded by a bunch of religious enemies. He advises that the Admiral should leave Paris, but the others refuse to consider it. To be fair the Admiral doesn’t look in any shape to travel, but I’m with Gaston on this one.

Alas, history is already written.

Upon learning that tomorrow is St. Bartholomew’s Day, the Doctor urges Steven that they mustn’t delay in returning to the TARDIS. Sending Anne off to her aunt’s house (against both Anne and Steven’s wishes), the Doctor practically drags Steven by the ear back to the ship with a hasty farewell.

He has good cause to hurry. Across the city, the Queen Mother meets with the Marshal, bearing an order signed by the King himself. The plans for tomorrow will go ahead. She tells the Marshal to disregard his list of targets. Once the killing starts, the good people of Paris will take care of things. They know who their enemies are, which is to say anyone not Catholic.

The Marshal isn’t keen on killing random innocent Protestants as well as their leaders. It's not as if he actually does anything about it, so I can’t give him credit. He does however urge against killing Henry of Navarre for fear of provoking an all-out holy war, and the Queen Mother listens to him.

The Doctor and Steven leave Paris as the city plunges into chaos. As they leave the Doctor gives Steven a history lesson. The bloodshed spread from city to city, leaving as many as ten thousand dead in the city of Paris alone. Horrified to realise that all the Huguenot friends he made will be dead in a matter of hours, Steven’s furious with the Doctor for leaving Anne behind in the midst of all this. So furious, in fact, that he announces he’s leaving him behind wherever they next land.

The Doctor does seem to understand why this would be a deal-breaker for Steven, but he does give quite an interesting argument for his defence.

“…history sometimes gives us a terrible shock. That is because we don't quite fully understand. Why should we? After all, we're all too small to realise its final pattern. Therefore, don't try and judge it from where you stand…”

The part I find of particular interest is the Doctor’s comment on being too small to realise history’s final pattern. I find myself reminded of Ray Bradbury’s short story A Sound Of Thunder. In that story, a time-travelling tourist inadvertently causes disaster when he steps on a prehistoric butterfly, changing the entire course of Earth’s history.

Who is to say that removing Anne from her time and place wouldn’t do irreparable damage to the established course of events? I see the Doctor’s point, and his argument for non-interference.

Then again, he did take Katarina from ancient Troy, and who knows what that might have done to history? On the other hand, she did end up saving his life, sacrificing her life in the process. Perhaps that was history’s way of correcting itself. After all, she should have been long-dead by that point.

The TARDIS lands on present-day Wimbledon Common (that’s convenient!) and Steven leaves, the Doctor finding himself alone to reminisce about his companions and shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces.

“Now… they're all gone. All gone. None of them…could understand. Not even…my little Susan…or Vicki …and yes … Barbara and Chatterton… Chesterton! They were all too impatient to get back to their own time. And now… Steven. Perhaps I should go home, back to my own planet. But I can't. I can't.”

He still gets Ian’s name wrong, and something about that tugs at the heartstrings. I wonder why he can’t go home? For a few moments, the facade of the brilliant eccentric scientist falls away. We see what I think has been at the heart of the Doctor’s character for a long time, perhaps ever since Susan left: a lonely, homesick old man.

I want to give him a hug so badly.

Lest we get too sad, it’s at that moment a newcomer bursts into the TARDIS, mistaking it for a telephone box. Taken aback, the Doctor tells her that it most assuredly is not.

Steven comes running back a moment later (gee, that lasted a long time!) to tell the Doctor that a couple of coppers are coming towards the TARDIS. They'd all better get going.

The Doctor takes off in a hurry, seemingly forgetting about his guest. Then again, forgetting might have nothing to do with it. He seems more than happy to have acquired a new companion.

The woman doesn’t seem to mind being roped in to an unexpected adventure. I suppose she forgot about the road accident she was trying to report in the first place.

The Doctor notes that this new friend, one Dorothea Chaplet (Dodo for short…and yes, I will be making fun of that) bears quite a resemblance to Susan.

Granted, I can see the resemblance, but I think the Doctor might have some issues.

Realising that Dodo has the same surname as Anne, the Doctor and Steven wonder if Dodo might in fact be her descendant. Apparently her grandfather actually was French. Well, it’s certainly possible, but I hardly think Anne was the only Chaplet in France. Plus, unless she was already married (of which there was no mention), wouldn’t any of her future children have taken her husband’s name?

The more you think about it, the less likely it gets. Nevertheless, I suppose it does relate back to the Doctor’s point about the pattern of history being impossible to see from inside events. Perhaps if they had taken Anne, Dodo might never have been born. It’s impossible to say.

Final Thoughts

The most important thing for you to know about this serial is that it’s thoroughly enjoyable. The pacing is excellent, the characterisation strong and the plot intriguing. This has been my favourite serial for quite a long time. I found myself quite impressed with Purves and Hartnell’s performances in their confrontation at the end.

Other than the bit with Preslin, the plot doesn’t contradict recorded history, and events play out as they should. I must note that it is not entirely agreed upon as to who orchestrated the massacre. However it is quite commonly attributed to Catherine de Medici, so I think that’s a reasonable stance to take for this story. There’s not really any deep exploration of the religious differences at the heart of the conflict. To be honest I’d be at a loss to tell you why the Catholics and Protestants hated each other so much. That might be a theological topic a bit too deep and nuanced to satisfactorily cover in a children’s television serial. I think the general point is that there is no point to this sort of violence.

I would have liked an actual explanation for the Doctor’s absence, as the lack of explanation makes it more glaring. Did he get to talk to the Abbot? Why does the Abbot look so much like him, is it just a bizarre coincidence? Was the man truly Preslin after all? After all, he seemed to want to help.

Looking back, it is quite a glaring flaw in the plot. As I understand it this serial was subject to some heavy rewrites, and this is where it really shows.

There is also a bit of mood whiplash at the end of the story. We go from a city gripped by religious violence to the bitter parting of Steven and the Doctor, the sadness of the Doctor alone, and then quite abruptly the comedic arrival of Dodo.

It’s a bit of a tacked-on companion introduction, and does undermine the power of the previous scene. Still, it’s only a small flaw when you step back and take a look at the whole thing. I am prepared to forgive it.

Also, it’s also a bit cheap to give Steven what feels like a proper exit and then bring him back about two minutes later. I’m in a pickle. On the one hand, Steven returning makes the previous scene seem pointless. On the other, I really like Steven and don’t want to get rid of him yet.

From a writing standpoint I have to disapprove, but from a fan standpoint I’m just glad to get more Steven.

The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve comes as a welcome return to form for Doctor Who, and this viewer is eager to see what the next adventure will be.

4 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[February 4 1966] What A Waste. What A Terrible Waste. (Doctor Who: The Daleks' Master Plan [Part 3])

February 4, 2021 Jessica Holmes 2 Comments

By Jessica Holmes

There were times watching this serial when I began to wonder if I would ever be free. I began to fear that long after all has come to dust and the cockroaches inherit the Earth, I’ll still be there, sat in the rubble, praying for the Daleks to get on with it and put me out of my misery.

You might say I’m being overdramatic, and perhaps I am, but I can say with sincerity that I’m thankful this is the last article I have to write for this one serial.

GOLDEN DEATH

The Daleks in their time machine track the Doctor to the Old Kingdom of ancient Egypt, where he’s busy fiddling with the lock on his TARDIS, thinking that the Monk is still on his tail.

Steven notices the Dalek ship arrive at the building site of the Pyramids, and together with Sara goes to investigate. Unbeknownst to them, an Egyptian slave spots their coming, and hurries off to report it to his overseer.

The Doctor’s companions soon realise that it’s not the Monk who has just landed here, but the Daleks. They’re on their way to warn the Doctor when a gang of heavily-armed Egyptian soldiers ambush them.

The soldiers then attempt to accost the Daleks too, but bronze spears and bare chests are no match for ray-guns and armoured plating. The Daleks slaughter most of the soldiers, a small few managing to retreat and regroup.

Meanwhile, the Doctor finishes his repair work, puts on a stupid hat, and indulges in some sight-seeing. It’s not every day you get to see an ancient wonder under construction. He hears the familiar sound of a landing TARDIS, and sure enough out steps the Monk sporting a fashionable pair of sunglasses.

The Doctor then realises that if the Monk has only just landed, then the earlier landing must have been the Daleks!

The Egyptian guards tie Steven and Sara up in a hut, and then make the foolish decision to leave only one soldier to guard them while they go off to do something else.

Meanwhile the Monk to his displeasure comes upon the Daleks. It’s only by Mavic Chen’s intervention that the Daleks don’t immediately shoot him. Unlike the Daleks, Chen’s smart enough to notice that the Monk isn't local.

Chen presses the Monk for information, and the Monk tells him that he’s here to exact vengeance on the Doctor. With their interests aligned, Chen asks the Monk to gain the Doctor’s confidence and retrieve the Taranium core. The Monk agrees, though he doesn’t seem too eager about it.

While all that’s been going on, the Egyptian slaves have been stuffing Pharoah’s tomb full of treasures. The usual stuff like gold, jewels, fancy furniture, a certain police box…

The Monk starts searching for the Doctor, but he won’t find him anywhere near his TARDIS. No, the Doctor is playing mischief with the Monk’s ship. He strips out an important-looking component, and also fiddles with the ship’s cloaking device to make it look like a police box. It’s partly to confuse the Daleks, but I like to think that it’s mostly just because it’s funny to mess with the Monk.

Sara manages to untie herself and Steven, and they take the guards by surprise. Steven's impressed with how good Sara is in a fight. Well, I should hope so, given that killing people was basically her job for much of her life.

The Doctor confronts the Monk in Pharoah’s tomb, and the Monk ‘warns’ the Doctor about the Daleks, urging him to hand over the Taranium before someone gets hurt. The Doctor responds only with a laugh as he advances on him.

Steven and Sara arrive some time later to find no sign of the Doctor. As they wonder what has become of him, a nearby sarcophagus slides open, and a figure wrapped in cloth begins to emerge…

ESCAPE SWITCH

Steven and Sara look on in amazement as a groaning figure emerges from the great stone coffin. Is it the mummy’s curse? Nah, it’s the Monk!

But if he’s here, where’s the Doctor?

Steven and Sara help the Monk out of his wrappings as he claims that he was only trying to warn the Doctor. Oh, and he’s coming down with a bit of a headache, so if Steven could just open the TARDIS door for him that would be very much appreciated. Steven wasn’t born yesterday, so they take the Monk with them to look for the Doctor.

Rather than the Doctor, they end up finding Chen and the Daleks. The Monk wastes no time turning his coat once again and offering Steven and Sara as hostages to draw the Doctor in.

Meanwhile, the Egyptians realise their prisoners have gone missing, but can’t go after them without risking the war machines.

On the Dalek ship with Steven and Sara, the Monk explains to the irate pair that he didn’t actually betray them. The Daleks were about to kill them all, so the Monk offering them as hostages kept them alive for just a few more minutes. It’s certainly plausible, but I can’t blame Steven and Sara for not wanting to trust him as far as they could throw him.

Chen broadcasts an ultimatum from the Dalek ship, ordering the Doctor to come running pronto with the Taranium, or else.

Left with no choice, the Doctor comes to meet the Daleks, and sets up a rendezvous where he’ll hand over the core in exchange for the release of all prisoners, including the Monk. One Dalek only, no bloodshed needed. Of course the Daleks are bad at following instructions as several turn up to the meeting.

However, the Egyptians, having also heard the message, have plans of their own.

The Doctor insists the prisoners be set free first, to which the Daleks agree. He then hands the Taranium over to Chen, running for cover just as the Egyptians attack the Daleks from behind. You can’t fault them for bravery, I suppose.

It doesn’t go brilliantly for the Egyptians, but they do manage to trap one Dalek and encase it in bricks, and the whole stunt creates enough of a distraction for the Doctor and his companions to slip away and regroup. They’ve lost the Taranium core, but on the plus side the Doctor stole the directional unit from the Monk’s TARDIS, so they have a chance of getting back to Kembel and stopping the Daleks once and for all.

The Monk gets back to his own TARDIS, getting safely away from the Daleks. Good for him, he’s much too fun to kill off. He does end up stranded in some frozen wasteland though, so I doubt we'll be seeing him any time soon.

The Daleks are initially frothing at the mouth to catch the Doctor, but Chen points out to the short-tempered tin cans that they have what they came to get.

The Doctor installs the stolen component to his own TARDIS, unsure if it will work, as the Monk has a more up-to-date model. Still, it’s the best chance they have, so he bids Steven to throw the switch–

And the control room vanishes in a flash of blinding white light.

THE ABANDONED PLANET

The Daleks return victorious to Kembel, accompanied by an insufferably smug Chen. The Doctor meanwhile fears that the directional unit has failed to get them where they need to go. We’re spared a plot derailment by the realisation that the view outside looks an awful lot like Kembel, so it would seem they made it after all.

Imagine how much longer this serial would be if they hadn’t. It’d probably be another three episodes at least.

Now for the most exciting thing in the world: a cabinet meeting! The Galactic Council convenes to have a good natter and complain and grumble at each other. They note the absence of Chen and are about to kick him out of the Evil Aliens Club when he swans in acting like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. His Imperial Smugness proceeds to be so insufferable that the gang are on the verge of tearing him apart with their bare hands/claws/tentacles. Then he shoots one of them dead. Not the best way to make friends, I’d have thought.

Outside, Steven and Sara traverse the jungle, noting that there don’t seem to be any Varga plants around, and no Daleks either for that matter. Where could they have disappeared to?

Chen manages to get the Council to sit down and shut up, and they’re about to start discussing the matter of sharing power after the invasion (bit last-minute to be discussing that, I would have thought) when the Daleks show up and spoil the party.

Steven and Sara double back to the TARDIS, but the Doctor’s nowhere to be found. They go back again to look for the Dalek city. Well, that was a bit pointless.

The Daleks have taken the Council into custody, and are planning to destroy the city as they start their conquest. I’m not really sure why. If they want the Council dead they could just shoot them. They’re in a cell; it’d be like shooting rats in a bucket. Not that I’d ever do that, of course. I like rats.

Steven and Sara find the city apparently abandoned. They manage to just walk right in all the way to the central control room where the Dalek time machine sits unattended. Thinking that the Daleks must have the Doctor, they plan to commandeer the machine (never mind that they can’t work the thing) and use it as leverage to get him back. However, their message reaches not the Daleks, but the imprisoned Council. It took them a while to find a scrap of moral backbone, but by the time Steven and Sara reach them they’re eager to mobilise against the Daleks and defend their galaxies.

Steven and Sara agree to release them, and they all scurry off as fast as their spaceships can carry them, all except for one… Chen. They’re wondering what’s taking him so long when his ship blows up shortly after takeoff.

I was ready to throw a brick through the television at this point. I was not going to let them kill Chen without me even getting to see the look on his face.

With Chen apparently out of the picture and the Doctor nowhere to be found, it’s up to Steven and Sara to find a way to stop the Daleks. They spot a lone Dalek entering an underground tunnel, and are about to go after it when Chen shows up alive and well and carrying a gun.

Still planning on being the master of the universe, Chen orders Steven and Sara into the underground base.

DESTRUCTION OF TIME

Chen reveals to Steven that he too came back to find the Doctor. Not out of any sense of altruism, mind you. He believes the Doctor seeks to usurp Chen’s position with the Daleks. Chen, they threw you in a cell. You don’t have a position with the Daleks any more.

They get themselves taken prisoner very quickly. Unlike the above ground city, the underground base is very much occupied. Because he hasn’t realised that to the Daleks he’s nothing more than a useful idiot, Chen gets his knickers in a twist because these are HIS prisoners. Apparently humouring him, the Daleks tell Chen to escort ‘his’ prisoners to the Dalek Supreme.

In a move that comes as a shock only to Chen, the Dalek Supreme states that their alliance has ended. When Chen gets it into his head to start ordering the Daleks around as if he himself was their leader, they completely ignore him. Growing desperate, he shoots at the Dalek Supreme. It doesn't work.

Finally realising how much trouble he’s in, Chen runs for his life, yelling some nonsense about being immortal. Guess the pressure finally got to him.

The Doctor finally turns up, emerging from the shadows like some film noir hero. He hands Steven the key to the TARDIS, urging him to take Sara there once he gives the signal. Why? He’s going to activate the Time Destructor.

The Daleks catch up to Mavic Chen and finally wipe the smug look off his face, shooting him dead and leaving his corpse in the corridor. They come back to find the Doctor tinkering with the Time Destructor, realising with horror that they can’t fire on him without destroying it.

Using a Dalek as a shield, the Doctor and his companions back towards the exit. Once they’re out, the Doctor tells Steven and Sara to run. Steven obeys without a second thought (gee, thanks) but Sara stops, unwilling to leave the Doctor to his fate.

Sara and the Doctor make their way to the TARDIS, carrying the activated Time Destructor, as the Daleks make their pursuit.

Steven makes it safely back, but the Time Destructor is taking its toll on the Doctor and Sara. In a matter of minutes, Sara appears to have aged several decades. The Doctor doesn’t seem to be as badly affected, but perhaps that’s because he is already fairly old.

Over the next few cuts, Sara looks older and older in each one, horrifyingly withering away before our eyes.

Severely weakened by the device, the Doctor drops it, and moments later the lush forest is reduced to a barren waste. Seeing the pair on the TARDIS scanner, Steven comes running out to help, but despite his efforts he cannot deactivate the Time Destructor. Nearby, he finds Sara’s skeletal remains, moments before they crumble away into dust.

Now that’s what I call scary! Where has THIS been all serial? Sure the Daleks can zap you and that’s not much fun but it doesn’t really evoke the true horror of the Time Destructor. It’s an awesome superweapon and I’m a bit disappointed it gets as little screen time as it does.

Somehow the Doctor is still alive, which leads me to wonder if he has a much longer natural lifespan than Sara. We know he’s technically an alien, because he isn’t from Earth, but how alien?

He’s not pleased to see Steven outside the TARDIS, and yells at him to get back in before he gets himself killed. Starting to feel better, the Doctor manages to return to the TARDIS, and is virtually back to normal once he makes it inside. However, outside the Time Destructor is still working its purpose, but time is no longer flowing faster than it should. It’s flowing backwards.

The Daleks catch up, and they too attempt to destroy the Time Destructor, to no avail, as it strips away their armour, aging them down, down, down until there’s nothing left but jellyfish-like Dalek embryos writhing in agony in the dust.

I should make a list of the most disturbing fates ever to befall a character on Doctor Who. This would go at the top, I think.

The device finally ceases to work, the Taranium core having burnt itself out. The Doctor and Steven emerge from the TARDIS to survey the damage. There’s absolutely nothing left outside. Alone in the desolate wastes, they mourn Sara, wishing that she could have seen the destruction of the Daleks. Steven is more than ready to leave, having made and then lost so many friends in this fight against the Daleks. Somberly, the Doctor agrees.

“What a waste. What a terrible waste.”

You said it, Doc.

Final Thoughts

We made it! The road was long and hard, and oh how we suffered. Well, I did most of the suffering. You just read about it.

Where do I even begin?

I think the most obvious thing to address is how ridiculously bloated this serial is. It desperately needed vast structural edits, and while I know television is made on a tight schedule, it would have been better to push the serial back to later in the series if it needed more time to fix. The plot meanders, doubles back on itself, and sometimes plain goes missing for whole episodes at a time. It suffocates under a pile of not-very-interesting subplots. Hordes of characters run around, and I can recall very few of their names, let alone any element of their personalities.

I can only describe it as a mess. I can’t even think of simple fixes for all this. If I was editing this, I would tear this whole story down to its very foundations and rebuild from there.

It irritates me, because I can see the skeleton of a potentially excellent story in here. There are some fun ideas and lots of potential for interesting twists and turns, but it’s all for naught.

It’s not that I do not enjoy a sprawling plot; I happen to be very fond of The Lord Of The Rings, and you don’t get much more sprawling than that. However, while those fantasy novels sprawl with purpose (for the most part), this story meanders about like a confused British tourist wandering a foreign grocery shop in search of teabags.

The other big problem is with the character development. This is a long serial. I will leave Steven and the Doctor alone, because they do seem changed by their experiences.

I am going to first pick on Sara. Here we have a woman who is so loyal to her superiors that she kills her own brother without question or remorse. Here is a woman who has been indoctrinated all her life to follow Chen. She is ruthless and deadly enough to have become the SSS’ top agent. Weighing all this in mind, does it sound like organic development to have her fully switch sides after one little scolding from some blokes she’s only just met? And a couple of episodes later, everyone, Sara included, seems to have forgotten about Bret.

Then there’s Mavic Chen. I’ve already covered the highly questionable makeup. For the most part, he was fine, if not terribly interesting. Great, he wants to rule the universe, him and every other B-movie villain out there. And then comes his decline. Well, I don’t think decline is the word. This isn’t a man spiraling as he desperately clings to power, it’s more like he swan-dives off the cliff of sanity.

Aside from that I don’t think there’s enough for me to chew on for me to talk about any other characters. There’s practically a revolving door of side-characters, of whom I can only remember Bret (who was pretty cool) and Katarina (who I definitely think was under-used). The Galactic Council seemed pointless to me. Chen was the only one among their number that the Daleks actually needed for access to the Taranium. I don’t know their names, and I couldn’t give a fig about it. They could have done with being cut from the serial entirely, or re-written to make them actually matter to the overall plot.

We’re not going to talk about the Christmas episode.

I think the Doctor sums it up best: it’s a waste. This serial could be so much better. I had high hopes after the unexpectedly dark and serious prologue episode Mission To The Unknown. I do admire the ambition and there’s a lot of creativity on display. Sadly, however, I think my favourite parts of the serial only came at the very end. I have a soft spot for the Monk (he’s just so much fun!), and the Time Destructor was awesome to behold. For the rest of the serial however I’m afraid that it rather fell short of my expectations.

At least you no longer have to listen to me moaning about it. We’ve got what looks to be a historical serial coming up next time, and I for one will be very glad for a change of pace.

2 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[January 10, 1966] Kingdom Come (Doctor Who: The Daleks’ Master Plan [Part 2])

January 10, 2021 Jessica Holmes Leave a comment

By Jessica Holmes

Hello, everyone! I hope everyone had a nice time over the holiday season, because I had to watch some pretty DULL television. Will this serial ever end?

COUNTER PLOT

To refresh your memories, we last saw the Doctor and Steven at an experimental station on Earth, where they’d come to attempt to warn humanity of the impending Dalek attack with their new ally, Bret Vyon. However, their luck ran out as they failed to find any allies. They were soon caught by the Space Security Service’s top agent, Sara Kingdom, who shot Bret in cold blood. Now the Doctor and Steven flee through the facility, pursued by Kingdom as they try to keep the Taranium core from landing in the Daleks’ clutches.

The pair run into a dead end, and Kingdom corners them in a large chamber. Large reflective dishes line the room, which also contains a weird mouse cage with all sorts of equipment attached to it. Meanwhile, a couple of scientists are about to start an experiment…

The picture distorts, the three’s faces disturbingly twisted in apparent agony… and then they’re gone. Where to? Far, far away.

Well that's absolutely terrifying.

Karlton (that was his name, right? Not ‘Baldylocks’, as I seem to have jotted down in my notes) comes to supervise the scientists as they confirm that the mice made it to their destination in one piece. He reports the good news to Mavic Chen, who is beginning to worry about the prospect of the Daleks turning on him. Karlton has an idea, however. They could always try putting a spin on it. What if they didn’t LOSE their prisoners, per se? Karlton's idea is to claim they did it on purpose. Now the fugitives can be dealt with without drawing the attention of any Earth authorities. Reassured, Chen gives a silly little villain speech. Something something Daleks, blah blah universal domination, extra ham and cheese.

Meanwhile, far, far away…

The Doctor wakes up on the planet Myra looking terribly confused but more or less fine. Not bad, given he was just taken apart atom by atom and then put back together again.

Something invisible and growly paws at an unconscious Kingdom, until Stephen leaps to his feet and wisely confiscates her weapon. The Doctor hears the invisible beast, and we get a glimpse of huge clawed footprints stamping through the sand. The three join up, and the Doctor sternly warns Kingdom that she better hadn’t get up to any funny business. Ever a pragmatist, Kingdom agrees to be on her best behavior.

The Daleks meanwhile are already moving to recapture them. They land on Myra, soon coming upon the mice in their cage.

Apparently Daleks have never seen a mouse before. When they first see the little furry friends their immediate assumption is that they may be hostile. It’s funny… until the Daleks blow the mice to kingdom come.

Meanwhile, the Doctor gets into a fight with a bush, and Stephen gives Kingdom a jolly good telling-off for killing Bret. Kingdom tries the old ‘just following orders’ excuse, which absolutely does not fly with Stephen, as well it shouldn’t. She feebly tries to tell him that the Taranium is for spreading galactic peace, so I guess she’s gullible as well as lacking in moral backbone. Or brainwashed, which might be the most likely case, given her revelation that Bret was her brother. Good grief, Sara. Talk about a sibling rivalry…

The Doctor tells them about the invisible monsters, and has more bad news: they’re surrounded.

Back with Chen, he’s thinking up a contingency plan. The combined forces of the Solar System might be able to destroy Kembel if it came down to it. It wouldn’t be universal domination, but he might be able to wield enough power to take control of the whole Milky Way, which is a start.

On Myra, the Doctor is guiding Stephen on how to take out an eight foot tall invisible monster when a Dalek turns up.

It appears that the Daleks have won.

CORONAS OF THE SUN

I did a double take when the titles for this episode came up, as it appears that Nation’s getting a little break this week, with Dennis Spooner taking his spot in the writer’s chair.

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Certain doom.

With the Doctor refusing to hand over the Taranium, the Daleks are about to open fire. Conveniently the invisible monsters choose that moment to attack, distracting the Daleks long enough for the fugitives to flee.

It’s an ingenious way to save on budget (no need for costuming or hiring additional actors!) but there's a big problem with having a fight with a bunch of monsters that aren’t actually visible. It's really boring to watch. It looks more like the Daleks getting into a tussle with some innocent bushes.

Back on Kembel, the Dalek commanders are growing impatient at the lack of progress. In a stunning display of leadership, the black Dalek orders another Dalek to order THOSE Daleks to retake the Taranium. Which is what they’re already trying to do. Is telling them again supposed to make them more successful? It’s like being nagged to do the dishes when you’re literally elbow deep in suds and soggy bits of potato skin. No wonder the Daleks are always so cross if their commanders are like this all the time.

The travellers come upon the Dalek ship, and in a stroke of luck (or plot convenience), there is only one Dalek on guard. The Doctor pretends to give himself up, as Steven and Kingdom sneak up behind the Dalek and slap mud on its eye-stalk. With the Dalek blinded, they steal the ship and fly off just as their pursuers realise what’s happened.

Wait.

I am getting the weirdest sense of deja vu.

Is Kingdom going to end up flying out of an airlock next?

Not yet knowing about this escape, the Daleks bring Mavic Chen in for a scolding. He tries to give them the spin Karlton came up with, but they aren’t having any of it. I have to give the man credit for having the guts to give a Dalek backtalk, as he points out that it wouldn’t be a problem if they hadn’t lost them in the first place. Then he even gets to gloat as the Daleks learn that the fugitives escaped yet again. This time the Daleks have nobody to blame but themselves.

En route back to Earth, the Doctor starts making a copy of the Taranium core to fool the Daleks. However, moments later the group hear a strange noise and find that their ship is changing course.

No, I haven’t got my notes mixed up from the last article. We’re just recycling plot points now.

Rather than landing on a prison planet, Steven averts a pointless plot diversion by ripping out the navigational component that’s controlling the ship. The Daleks won’t be stopped that easily, and use a magnet beam to start dragging them back.

Why didn’t you use that in the first place?

The Doctor completes his copy of the Taranium core, but without a charge it won’t fool the Daleks. However, Steven has the bright idea to plug it in to the ‘gravity force’ from the ship’s power centre. I have absolutely no idea what he is on about. I suppose it’s some science-fictiony power source. However, they don’t use this ‘gravity force’ any more, instead using ‘reliance power’. The others tell Steven he absolutely should not do anything of the sort, so naturally he goes ahead and deep fries himself.

Don’t worry, he’s not dead, but he’s stuck inside a force field. At least his idea did actually work, and the fake Taranium core is good to go.

The ship lands, and the three exit, Steven carrying the fake Taranium core. The Doctor insists that they do the handover outside the TARDIS. The Daleks, unwilling to risk losing the Taranium, agree. Seeing Chen with the Daleks, Kingdom calls him a traitor. Gee, it didn’t take long to break down a lifetime of brainwashing.

The Doctor and Kingdom head into the TARDIS, and Steven hands the Taranium core over. Because they’re rude, the Daleks immediately fire upon him.

Don’t worry, he’s still not dead.

Force field related accidents can have silver linings. The Dalek blasts have now destroyed the shield, but Steven is interested in investigating further. After all, it could be handy to have a Dalek-proof shield. The Doctor scolds him like a cross teacher for his folly.

The TARDIS lands somewhere else, but where? The scanner is broken, and according to the Doctor’s instruments the outside atmosphere is toxic.

Looks like we aren’t out of trouble yet.

THE FEAST OF STEVEN

Just so you know, we’re back with Nation again.

The gang land outside a police station on Earth, drawing the attention of the local bobbies, who are wondering where this box came from and who this funny little bloke is who just stepped out of it. The ‘toxic atmosphere’ is just modern air pollution, which is fairly accurate, if a little overdramatic.

Oh, and it’s Christmas. You can tell because the coppers on patrol are absolutely murdering Good King Wenceslas.

Steven steals a police uniform to rescue the Doctor from the coppers. Mildly comedic antics ensue as the police try to ascertain who the Doctor is and where he came from.

They manage to get away without too much hassle. In the meantime Kingdom repairs the scanner, narrowly avoiding an arrest on grounds of ‘loitering’ when a policeman catches her climbing all over the phone box. Piling into the TARDIS, they’re soon off again. When they next land they see a horrific sight outside: a dastardly villain is about to saw a woman in half!

That’s how it appears, anyway. They rush out to save her, only for it to become apparent that this is all just a big misunderstanding. They’re on a movie set! The three get separated in the ensuing uproar, with Steven being mistaken for a Keystone Kop, Kingdom hiding in a trunk, and the Doctor being mistaken for an expert on Arabian customs.

It’s a busy studio, that’s for sure.

Oh, and there’s a wild Charlie Chaplin wandering about the place.

The three do manage to find each other again, poor Steven and Sara being very confused about the whole affair, and the Doctor proclaiming “It’s a madhouse! It’s all full of Arabs.”

Honestly I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m baffled. It’s an oddly racist thing to come out of the Doctor’s mouth, apropos of nothing in particular.

After meeting Bing Crosby (don’t ask), the gang leave again, leaving everybody on set very impressed with the clever special effect. Safely on their way, the Doctor treats Steven and Sara to a little Christmas tipple.

…And then he turns to the camera and wishes a happy Christmas to everyone at home.

That was very weird and I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen. If you like, you can pretend this whole episode didn’t happen and lose nothing of value. It’s more entertaining than Monopoly, at least, but that’s not exactly high praise.

VOLCANO

Nation’s out, Spooner’s in. It’s getting hard to keep up with all this switching.

So, there’s Daleks in this serial. Remember them? Daleks don’t do Christmas, so they went right ahead and fitted the fake Taranium core into their Time Destructor. Chen’s in a smug mood. He's always in a smug mood, but right now he's extra smug.

The Daleks need a test subject for their device. To my disappointment they don’t pick Chen, but one of the other delegates, who actually volunteered for some reason.

Meanwhile, the Doctor realises that someone's following the TARDIS.

It doesn’t take the Daleks long to work out that the Time Destructor doesn’t work, and that the Doctor tricked them. Chen’s smugness melts away when the Daleks turn on him, but in a surprising display of patience they give him one last chance to lead a team of Daleks and pursue the Doctor by time machine– wait, haven’t I already seen this serial?

And now for some cricket. The commentators react to the sudden appearance of a police box on the field with little more than mild curiosity, even though it is the only interesting thing to have happened in a game of cricket since the invention of the sport.

Still, it is quite funny.

The TARDIS departs, and its next destination is an active volcano. Not to nitpick (as if I ever do anything else) but the air out there's probably a tad worse than a spot of smog. It’s a cool setting though and we’re not here for an impromptu vulcanology lecture, so I’ll let it slide.

Their pursuer shows up at last, and it’s not the Daleks, as you might suspect. No, it’s the Monk!

Nice to see him again, even though he’s up to no good as usual. He and the Doctor exchange pleasantries, and the Doctor doesn’t seem very surprised to see the Monk again. It’s all quite affable until the Monk says he locked the Doctor out of his TARDIS when nobody was looking. They laugh at first, then realise that the Monk was being serious. He’s still a bit touchy over the Doctor stranding him in 1066.

Still, it only takes about a minute for the Doctor to get back into the TARDIS. He uses that big ring he wears to do something vaguely sciency sounding that I’m quite sure is pure gibberish cooked up for plot convenience. Or maybe he just hit the door really hard and didn’t want to admit to using brute force.

With the Monk quite put out that the Doctor got away so easily, the gang departs. I think we’ll be seeing him again before very long.

Next stop: London, New Year’s Day, 1966. Time to raise a glass and mumble the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne (because who actually knows all the words?). With the Daleks tracking them, it might be the last new year any of our travellers see…

Final Thoughts

Well, large sections of that were a bit pointless, weren’t they? The serial continues to plod onwards, recycling plot points from earlier in the very same story. It now begins to feel like a retread of The Chase. I didn’t much care for The Chase, so my opinion on this serial continues to sour.

I find it very strange that everyone seemed to forget that Kingdom killed her own brother in cold blood. One moment Steven’s scolding Kingdom in the swamp, and the next they’re sharing a brandy after a little jaunt around Hollywood without a care in the world. The pacing and sense of urgency is all over the place. It’s becoming plainer with every episode that this story is terribly bloated and does not have enough ideas to fill its runtime.

I’m not even going to address the asides made directly to the audience.

Hopefully I’ll have a bit more nice to say next time, when I’ll have the benefit of looking at the big picture and seeing how it all fits together. Realistically speaking however, I think that might be too much to ask for.

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[December 6, 1965] Are You Sitting Comfortably? Then I'll Begin (Doctor Who: The Daleks’ Master Plan [Part 1])

December 6, 2020 Jessica Holmes 2 Comments

By Jessica Holmes

Buckle up, everyone. We’re about to start the longest serial of Doctor Who yet. I hope you’ve got a comfy chair and a pot of tea.

THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS

Poor Steven isn’t feeling too well since his run in with the sharp end of a poisoned sword, so the Doctor leaves him in the care of Katarina while he goes to search for an antitoxin.

Wait, no, apparently we’re not following that, we’re following two blokes called Bret and Kert, who are sitting in a rainforest and trying to contact their superiors.

Nope, no, we’re actually watching a couple of nameless bald men doing… something or other. To be more accurate, we’re watching a couple of people watching the bald men and having a nice chat rather than paying attention to the call coming in. It seems that the men we just saw were from the Space Security Service that those men were from in that one-off episode a few weeks ago, come to search for their long-dead comrades.

The fate of the universe can wait though, because the people in the control room are busy watching a television interview with a man with very silly eyebrows. This is Mavic Chen, and he’ll be important later. From the name and the lousy makeup, I think he’s meant to be Chinese. The makeup’s distracting and more importantly, racist. There’s no excuse for this sort of thing, common as it may be. At least they had the good sense not to give him a ridiculous fake accent.

Chen’s banging on about how the solar system has enjoyed tranquility in recent years, promising that they can look forward to an everlasting period of peace and prosperity that will spread throughout the universe and it’ll be sunshine, lollipops, rainbows, et cetera. Laying on the dramatic irony pretty thick, aren’t we?

In the jungles of the planet Kembel, the two men begin to fear that something’s following them. I will give you three guesses what that something could possibly be.

Surprise! It’s a Dalek.

Injured, Kert tells Bret to go on without him, and he bravely goes to face the Daleks — who promptly shoot him dead.

Bret flees through the forest, tripping over his own feet and dropping the transmitter, breaking it. Well, it’s not very well made if it broke that easily. He should get his money back. He’s on the brink of despair when the TARDIS materialises close by.

The Doctor and Katarina emerge, and the Doctor sends Katarina back inside to look after Steven while he searches for some antitoxin. Finding the door locked, Bret follows after the Doctor, and orders him at gunpoint to hand over the key.

Inside the TARDIS, Katarina tends to Steven, still under the impression that she’s dead and travelling through the underworld. Bret enters the TARDIS, and Katarina, bless her, thinks he’s come to help, and he tricks her into locking the Doctor out of the TARDIS.

However, he doesn’t get away with it for long, because like an absolute numpty he left the key in the door and didn’t pay enough attention to Steven, who whacks him over the back of the head when he’s not looking.

Bret doesn’t strike me as one of the SSS’ best operatives. James Bond, he is not.

As the Doctor lets himself back into the TARDIS, a spaceship passes overhead, and at the Dalek base the Daleks prepare to receive guests.

The Doctor restrains Bret in the TARDIS with a ‘magic chair’ (magnetic), but the cross-examination will have to wait, because he still needs to look for the city he spotted in his earlier foray into the forest. He narrowly misses a Varga plant as he explores and soon comes upon the skeletal remains of Corey, his tape recording lying just a few feet away from him.

He collects the tape and proceeds to the city, where he realises to his horror who the occupants are.

Back in the TARDIS, Bret inquires as to what’s wrong with Steven. When Katarina explains he has poison in his blood, Bret actually makes himself useful and offers her the use of some tablets he has to hand. Katarina decides to trust him and gives Steven the medicine. Let’s just hope it doesn’t backfire.

As the Daleks greet their guest and newest ally, Mavic Chen, the Doctor hurries back to his ship, only to find the door open and a gang of Daleks surrounding the box.

Uh-oh.

DAY OF ARMAGEDDON

Hiding in the bushes, the Doctor watches from a distance as the Daleks examine his ship. They speak of something called Operation Inferno, which will require them to retreat to a safe distance.

Meanwhile, Mavic Chen makes a friend. Say hello to Zephon, the master of the Fifth Galaxy.

Zephon expresses surprise that Chen, being from our solar system (Why is our solar system THE Solar System? Surely any system with a star and things orbiting that star is a solar system, isn’t it? Why do we qualify for the definite article?) is allying himself with the Daleks. Well, being in charge of one star system is nice enough, but Chen has greater ambitions.

The Daleks are all too aware of Chen’s ambitions, which is why they’re planning to exterminate him and all their other accomplices when they’ve outlived their usefulness. That sounds very in-character for them, but I don't know how pragmatic it would be, considering that the galaxies the leaders represent would likely consider the Daleks' actions to be an act of war and retaliate in kind.

Stephen wakes up in the forest feeling very confused, but looking a tad healthier. The tablets seem to have worked. He has Bret and Katarina to thank. When the Daleks came, Bret convinced Katarina to release him so that they could all escape. The Doctor finds the group, and Katarina fills him in on what happened while Bret spies on the Daleks, who have flamethrowers now.

The Doctor and Katarina help Steven limp back towards the TARDIS before the flames reach them (wait, I thought it was his shoulder that was hurt, not his leg?), but Bret points out that it’s probably a trap. I suppose they’ll have to just stay put and roast then.

Stephen and the Doctor start bickering over what to do until Bret interrupts and tells them essentially to shut up, leaving the Doctor speechless for once in his life. He recovers quickly.

The Daleks get to work burning the forest. I obviously need more sleep because for a moment I thought they were toasting marshmallows on the fire. In my defence, the Dalek flamethrowers are shaped just like a marshmallow on a stick.

The fire slowly catches up to the gang as the Doctor and Bret have another bickering match, and the Doctor finally comes up with a third option: hide in the Dalek city. It’s the last place they’ll expect!

Chen has a chat with Zephon before the gathering of PT Barnum’s freakshow rejects comes to order, with Zephon waiting outside a while, for plot convenience’s sake I presume.

The Doctor and company arrive at the Dalek city and admire the pretty shiny spaceships, at least until Bret recognises Mavic Chen’s. He's deeply troubled, but the others see their getaway vehicle: they decide to steal it.

Along comes Zephon, and they run for cover. Come to think of it, I suspect that he might walk like that because the chap in the costume can’t actually see where he’s going. Bret subdues him, and the Doctor steals his clothes so that he can disguise himself and sneak into the meeting. I’m in awe at the sheer audacity of the plan. He gives Bret the tape for safekeeping before he goes, and even Bret, who doesn’t particularly get along with the Doctor, is impressed with his courage.

While the others go to steal the ship, the Doctor arrives fashionably late to the meeting. He learns that the Daleks have almost completed something called a Time Destructor, which needs only a core and it’ll be ready to use. Mavic Chen smugly presents the core, an emm of pure Taranium, the rarest substance in the universe.

Outside, Zephon wakes up and begins to struggle against his restraints as the others barge onto Chen’s ship and start tying up the crew.

All seems to be going well, until Zephon manages to set off an alarm. It might be a blessing in disguise however, as in all the pandemonium the Doctor is able to swipe the Taranium core from under Mavic Chen’s nose.

He’ll have to hurry, though. Bret’s about to take off– and he’s not planning to wait for stragglers.

DEVIL’S PLANET

The Doctor shows up in the nick of time, and off they go, fleeing the Daleks. The Daleks don’t fail to notice them going, but refrain from blowing the ship out of the sky. They’ve realised that the Taranium core is missing, and they need to get it back.

Chen’s all too happy to throw Zephon under the bus for the loss of the core. Sure, it was Chen who went and left it unattended on the table, but the Daleks see fit to blame Zephon, as it was his lateness to the meeting that allowed the Doctor to infiltrate it and steal the core. The Daleks find him guilty of negligence, and execute him for his failure.

Born diplomats, the Daleks are. Really this should start a war but apparently Zephon's galaxy won't mind their leader being murdered.

On the ship, the Doctor’s coming to like having Katarina around. She learns by watching and listening, sparing him from constant questions. He’s eager to teach her though, and I find his enthusiasm endearing.

They finally get around to playing the tape, which doesn’t really tell them anything new but will come in handy when urging Earth to take action, and the Doctor proclaims that “The Daleks will stop at anything to prevent us!”

Well, if that’s the case, all you have to do is mildly inconvenience them and they’ll leave you alone. I’m well used to Hartnell’s line flubs by now, but that one did amuse me.

The Daleks make their move as the ship passes by a prison planet, Desperus, an entire world used for dumping convicts. Basically, it’s Space Australia. Sorry, Kaye. I couldn’t resist.

Then the Daleks force the ship to land on Desperus, where a gang of convicts soon learn of the ship’s arrival and begin plotting to take it for themselves.

As the rest of the crew work on getting the ship up and running again, Katarina spots lights in the distance. It’s the three convicts, Kirksen, Garge and Lars, approaching. Kirksen ends up being waylaid by an aggressive bird, and the other two carry on without him.

In preparation for their arrival, the Doctor drops a cable from the ship into the murky swampwater beneath the entrance, and Katarina activates the current as Garge and Lars attempt to approach. There’s a flash of light and both men scream, then drop down unconscious.

It’s not long before the ship’s ready for takeoff once more, and Bret notices that the outer door is open for some reason, but it’s probably nothing to worry about. The crew leave Desperus as the Daleks crash-land, and it looks like everything’s going brilliantly for about five seconds.

Then Kirsken pops out of the airlock, grabs Katarina, and all hell breaks loose.

THE TRAITORS

Holding Katarina hostage, Kirksen demands to be taken to Kembel. It wouldn't be my first choice for a hideaway, that's for sure. I don't do well with humidity or screaming Nazi space monsters with cooking and plumbing tools for arms.

Back on Kembel, the Daleks receive a message from the pursuit fleet, saying they’re ready to continue the mission. The Daleks kindly take the burden off their plungers and tell Chen to go instead, having worked out that the fugitives are heading for Earth. With that settled, the Daleks treat the pursuit ship with patience and understanding, inviting them to return to Kembel.

Of course, the moment they break communications, they order the ship blown up as punishment for failing the mission. I think a lot of us have had bosses like that.

Back on the stolen ship, Bret obviously isn’t about to turn and fly back the way he came. He tries to catch Kirksen off guard with a sudden change of direction, but it doesn’t work, causing Kirksen to retreat into the airlock, dragging Katarina with him. They could open the exterior doors and rid themselves of him, but that would kill Katarina too. However, he’s not coming out until they agree to take him to Kembel. The longer they take to make a decision, the longer Katarina’s in danger from him. He’ll kill her if they don’t change course.

The Doctor finally cracks and orders Bret to do as Kirksen says, with Stephen backing him up. However, there’s one person whose opinion nobody asked, and she’s taking matters into her own hands.

Katarina manages to get one arm free of Kirksen’s grip, reaching desperately for something on the wall. By the time the others realise what she’s about to do, it’s too late. The airlock blows open, sucking both Kirksen and Katarina into the vacuum of space.

At last, a moment of silence as everyone processes what just happened. Stephen isn’t sure that Katarina did it on purpose, but the Doctor gives her more credit than that, and I happen to agree with him.

“She didn't understand. She couldn't understand. She wanted to save our lives and perhaps the lives of all the other beings of the Solar System. I hope she's found her Perfection. Oh, how I shall always remember her as one of the Daughters of the Gods. Yes, as one of the Daughters of the Gods."

Excuse me, I have a little something in my eye. Does this count as the first death of a companion? She wasn’t around for very long, but do you need to be to count as a Companion? To me, if you’ve travelled in his TARDIS by the Doctor's consent, you’re a companion, even if you were only around for a handful of episodes. It’s a proper punch to the gut. We always assume, don’t we, that whatever happens the Doctor and his closest friends will always make it out alive. Here is a stark reminder that travelling with the Doctor is not safe. A single lapse in judgement can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

It’s a bit of a pity, because I thought Katarina still had a lot of potential. I suppose that makes it even sadder in a way. The Doctor was so keen to show her the wonders of the cosmos, and now she’ll never get to see them.

And just to rub it in, there’s a shot of the poor girl’s lifeless body drifting away through the void. I hope it was at least quick.

Let’s check in with the baddies. With the threat of the ultimate punishment for failure hanging over his head, Chen meets with his subordinate Lizan, and Karlton, the head of the Space Security Service. He tells them to recall all available agents to Earth so that they can catch Earth’s greatest traitor: Bret Vyon.

It turns out that Karlton is in on the plot with Chen to sell Earth out to the Daleks. Chen will be at the Daleks’ right hand, and Karlton will be at Chen’s, if all goes according to plan. Karlton puts one of his best agents on the job, Sara Kingdom. The actress might look familiar to you if you also watched The Crusade earlier this year.

The Doctor and company make a bumpy landing at the ‘Experimental Station’, and Bret cautiously leads the group inside, where he hopes to meet with someone he can trust with the information.

Chen briefs Kingdom on her mission, conveniently leaving out the bit about the Daleks. She’s apparently unwaveringly loyal, but there’s no sense in risking it.

Bret fills his ally Daxtar in on the things they’ve learned, and it seems that Daxtar is eager to help. However, when Daxtar asks about the whereabouts of the Taranium, the Doctor realises he’s not to be trusted. Why? Because they never mentioned that the core is made of Taranium. Bret turns on his ally, and shoots him dead before the Doctor has a chance to find out who else might be in on the conspiracy, prompting the hero’s anger.

Moments later, Kingdom shows up. It would seem that she and Bret know one another. For a moment, Bret is pleased to see her, hoping that she might be on their side. All hopes are dashed when she demands the Taranium. I don’t think Bret is a very good judge of character.

Bret struggles with Kingdom, buying the others enough time to get out, but leaving him alone with a woman even more trigger happy than he is. He barely gets his hand an inch towards his gun before Kingdom fires on him, killing him instantly.

We’re racking up quite a body count of major characters, aren’t we? I don’t know that I’d call Bret a companion, as he only appears in this one serial, unlike Katarina who was introduced at the end of the previous serial. Additionally, he never actually travels in the TARDIS. He tries, but just ends up tied to a chair, which doesn’t count. I had quite liked having him around, though. It might have been interesting to see how his character might have developed.

With Bret dead and the Doctor and Steven on the run, Kingdom orders her subordinates to secure all the exits. The fugitives must be killed on sight.

Final Thoughts

This would be a much better start to the serial if it didn’t take so long to get to the point. This serial could have benefited from a more ruthless editor: I often noticed scenes that would have benefited from being trimmed down, and a fair amount of characters telling one another things that the audience already knows.

How will it turn out? Will the story unfold into a grand epic, or a bloated mess? We’ll have to wait and see. I just know that, with eight episodes more for me to write about, I’m going to need to drink my body weight in coffee.

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[November 8, 1965] You Must Be Mythtaken (Doctor Who: The Myth Makers)

November 8, 2020 Jessica Holmes 1 Comment

By Jessica Holmes

Yes, I am quite proud of myself for that title. This month, we’re taking a trip back to a time where the line between myth, legend and fact becomes blurred. Doctor Who has a new producer in John Wiles, who has some big boots to fill, and a new writer for this serial, one Donald Cotton. Let’s dive in and see how they got on.

TEMPLE OF SECRETS

Let’s establish one thing immediately: this serial makes a number of breaks from the popular accounts of the siege of Troy. To establish a second thing, I don’t mind this. It’s a legend. There might be a kernel of truth in there somewhere, but most of it was probably made up so that it would make a good story. Well, except for the bit about fighting the river god. That definitely really happened.

The real problem here is the music. Who in the world signed off on this?! It sounds as if they fitted a below-average marching band with shock collars, gave them sheet music that had been half-eaten by a dog, then made them perform drunk with no rehearsal, and giving them an electric jolt every few seconds.

It’s just noise! I have heard more pleasant primary school music recitals.

It would perhaps be more bearable if I had something to watch, but my picture quality is very poor once again. I think it must be the weather where I live.

Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor and his companions watch the unfolding fight between Achilles and Hector on the monitor, and the Doctor makes the spiffing decision to go and ask these nice chaps where and when they’ve landed.

It’s at that point that Hector practically dares the Fates to toy with him, as he mockingly challenges Zeus himself to come down and save Achilles, who is at his mercy. So when there’s a bright light and an old man pops out of a magically appearing box, he’s more than a little taken aback, and that gives Achilles the opportunity to run him through.

Achilles mistakenly believes the Doctor to be Zeus, having appeared to him in the guise of an old beggar (which made me chortle), and the Doctor doesn’t bother to correct him.

Having learnt where he is, the Doctor attempts to return to his TARDIS, but Achilles begs him to stay, showing him the camp of Agamemnon, where the Greeks have spent the last ten years sitting outside the walls of a rather well-executed miniature model of Troy.

The Doctor and Achilles meet Odysseus (yes, THAT Odysseus), who is just a total jerk, as my American friends would put it. The Doctor has a quiet giggle to himself as Odysseus sarcastically comments that Achilles probably just chased Hector around the city until he got tired rather than facing him in honest combat.

Odysseus isn’t at all convinced that the Doctor is Zeus, and after examining his tiny ‘temple’, insists that he accompany them back to the camp. After they all leave, a Trojan patrol comes out of hiding, recovering Hector’s helmet and discovering the ‘temple’ for themselves.

Steven gets tired of waiting inside the TARDIS and goes to find the Doctor, leaving Vicki behind to rest her injured ankle, which I had forgotten all about.

In the Greek camp, Meneleus, husband of Helen (the face that launched a thousand ships, but doesn’t appear in this story) is frankly bored of this whole siege. If Paris wants Helen, he can keep her.

…I see why she left him.

Agammemnon, however, is not ready to give up, and he threatens to issue a challenge to Hector on Meneleus’ behalf.

Luckily for Meneleus, that’s when Achilles gets back and informs them that Hector’s crossed the Styx.

Odysseus arrives shortly after with the Doctor in tow. The Doctor tries to prove his divinity by revealing hidden truths, such as the fact that Agamemnon’s wife is unfaithful, but it seems just about everyone knew that except the kings, who refuse to believe it without proof.

Agamemnon finds himself in a difficult position, and decides to imprison the Doctor, unwilling to risk killing him and incurring the wrath of the gods, or releasing him and having him spill all their secrets to the Trojans.

Odysseus eavesdrops outside the tent, where he’s met by a mute spy, Cyclops. Probably no relation. Cyclops tells Odysseus, through hand gestures, that he spotted a stranger coming to the camp. Investigating, Odysseus finds Steven and takes him captive, accusing him of being a spy.

Attempting to maintain his cover, the Doctor prevents the Greeks from killing Steven on the spot, telling them that if they take him to his temple tomorrow, he’ll perform a miracle and smite the spy.

Well, they’ll be quite happy to take him to the plain, but he’d better hope for bad weather… because the TARDIS is gone.

Again.

He really does have a habit for misplacing it, doesn’t he?

SMALL PROPHET, QUICK RETURN

I can’t decide whether I like this pun or whether I want to steal all of the writer’s pencils.

When the time comes for ‘Zeus’ to do some smiting, the Doctor finally caves and admits that he’s not Zeus, leading to him and Steven being captured and interrogated.

Meanwhile, the TARDIS has found its way behind the walls of Troy. Paris, Hector’s brother, is feeling rather pleased with himself for having captured a Greek shrine of some sort.

His sister Cassandra tells him to get rid of it. Naturally, he ignores her. She points out that it was unguarded, and it’s about the right size for somebody to hide inside. Has he perhaps considered it’s a trap? Doesn’t this all sound rather familiar?

Their father, King Priam, soon joins the party and attempts to prise the door open, as inside Vicki frantically searches for something to wear. For heaven’s sake, just put on a bedsheet and you’ll fit right in.

After listening to the Doctor and Steven’s true accounting of who they are and how they came to be here, Odysseus figures that they wouldn’t dare tell him such a blatantly absurd story unless they were actually telling the truth, which is questionable logic but then again none of the great thinkers have been born yet (and boy, does it show!), so perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh. He agrees to release them on the condition that they help him take the city. Oh, and they only have two days to do it.

In Troy, Cassandra is about to burn the TARDIS as an offering to the gods when Vicki finally emerges, introducing herself as a traveller from the future. All that time in there and you couldn’t come up with any cover story at all?

Cassandra accuses her first of being a pagan goddess of the Greeks (which is confusing, as at least in The Iliad’s version of events, which is what this serial is mostly based on, the Trojans worshipped the same gods), and then of being a false prophet, though Paris points out that Cassandra doesn’t have a monopoly on reading entrails and having weird dreams.

Vicki explains that she’s not prophesying, she’s just recalling her knowledge of history, which is different. Cassandra still insists that they should kill her, while Paris argues the opposite. In the end, Priam kindly assures Vicki that she shall die when HE says so, and not a moment earlier. How very…comforting.

Oh, and the name will have to go if she’s staying. Vicki sounds far too weird for their liking, so the king re-names her Cressida. How rude.

But that name does ring a bell…

Meanwhile , the Doctor and Steven are trying to come up with ideas for breaching the city, and Steven brings up the wooden horse. The Doctor shoots the idea down, as nobody would actually be stupid enough to fall for that.

A messenger arrives to inform Odysseus that he’s been volunteered on Achilles’ behalf to go and answer a challenge from Paris, but Odysseus isn’t about to fight heel-boy’s battles. Steven volunteers to go instead, and allow Paris to take him as his prisoner so that he can search for Vicki. Odysseus thinks it’s suicide, but acknowledges that it is at least very brave.

With him gone, the Doctor keeps coming up with ideas. Tunnelling’s been tried already, but how about flight?

Steven surprises Paris as he very quietly and hesitantly calls out for Achilles, necessitating a change of loincloth on Paris’ part. He astutely observes that Steven isn’t Achilles. Lowering his voice, he admits to thinking that really this whole thing seems to have got a bit out of hand, and he doesn’t really fancy killing anyone who isn’t Achilles anyway.

Well maybe you should have thought about that before running off with a married woman, hmm?

That said, he has a point.

He reluctantly starts fighting, and Steven has to pretend to lose, because let’s face it, Steven could eat Paris for breakfast if he were actually trying.

It’s very funny when a baffled Paris asks ‘I beg your pardon?’ and then Steven has to actually talk him into accepting his surrender, buttering him up by pretending that the Greeks tell all sorts of extraordinary tales about Paris. He sure would like to tell some of those tales within earshot of the Trojans, and gosh, wouldn’t they all be very impressed with Paris for capturing this great Greek warrior? Cough, cough. Hint, hint.

Nonplussed but a little flattered, Paris agrees to take Steven back to the city, and the pair leave, watched by Cyclops as they go.

In the city, Priam treats Vicki to a slap-up meal courtesy of his cousin Aeneas’ smuggling operation, and regales her with tales of just how much the Trojans like horses. They really, really like horses. There’s such a thing as liking horses too much, you know.

Vicki recalls a legend she once heard regarding Troy and horses, and Priam tries to press her about it. She changes the subject by asking about Troilus, the king’s youngest son. He’s rather good looking, isn’t he?

There’s a bit of a random, out-of-nowhere line on not putting too much stock into good looks, as that will only get you into trouble. Just take Paris and Helen. Paris is a nice looking bloke, popular with the ladies, and also a total cowardy-cowardy-custard. He got all taken with Helen’s beauty, and before you know it there’s a decade-long war.

‘Shame he didn’t meet a nice sensible girl like you,’ he tells Vicki. ‘It’s character that counts, not good looks.’

Ouch! Talk about a back-handed compliment.

Priam hastily apologises, insisting he didn’t mean it like that, and is about to press Vicki on what she knows of the war again when Paris marches Steven into the room, pleased as punch.

Shocked to see each other, Vicki and Steven blurt out one another’s names, and Cassandra realises at once that they must know each other.

If ‘Cressida’ knows this Greek, what more proof do they need that she’s a spy? There’s only one thing to be done with spies. They must be put to death.

DEATH OF A SPY

I was quite disappointed that this episode didn’t start with a punny title. Some might consider that a good thing, though.

Tired of Cassandra’s zealotry, Paris intervenes to stop the guards dispatching Vicki and Steven. Priam is willing to believe Vicki when she says she’s not a spy, but she’ll have to prove herself. She will have to use her divine powers to aid Troy against the Greeks. If not, she’ll be burnt. In the meantime she will have to stay in the dungeons, but Priam assures her that it’s actually rather nice down there.

At least he’s affable, but I think all the men in this story have one brain cell between them and they’re playing pass-the-parcel with it.

Don't look so unimpressed, Odysseus. It's not as if you've got any better ideas.

The Doctor continues to pursue his idea for a very anachronistic flying machine. I think if you left him to his own devices for long enough he’d end up inventing the aircraft carrier several millenia early.

However, he’s not too keen on the idea of testing his invention, something Odysseus would very much like to see him do.

In the dungeons of Troy, Vicki and Steven are visited by Cyclops, who Steven tells to warn the Greeks not to attack until the day after tomorrow, so that they can buy Vicki some time. It’s then that the king’s youngest son, Troilus, visits ‘Cressida’ in her cell.

He brings her some food, and she coaxes him into sitting and talking with her.

Meanwhile, the Doctor abandons his idea of using flying machines, claiming to have made a mistake in his calculations. If you ask me, I think he was just scared of trying out his contraption.

With no better options available he finally suggests the idea of building a wooden horse. He explains the legendary plan, and Odysseus actually seems quite taken with it. So is Meneleus, once the Doctor explains to him that they’re building the horse, not looking for an actual fifty-foot-tall equine.

Maybe there is someone stupid enough to fall for it, after all.

In Vicki’s cell, she’s getting rather cosy with Troilus, and poor Steven no doubt feels very awkward as the chatting turns to outright flirting. Troilus even asks at one point whether Steven is really just Vicki’s friend or if he’s something more. Someone’s a little jealous!

When he finally leaves, Steven mocks Vicki for being so unsubtle. She retorts that she was only doing what she could to get them both out of prison. But was that really all there was to it?

Unfortunately for the pair of them, it looks like their message to delay the attack won’t reach the Greeks. Cyclops gets caught as he leaves the city, and is swiftly killed by a Trojan soldier.

The Greeks finish building their horse in an astonishingly short amount of time. Wait, where did they get the wood? There don’t seem to be any trees nearby. They’d have to travel and cut the lumber and transport it back and assemble it…and they did all that in a few hours? Yes, I’m nitpicking a fictional retelling of a pseudo-historical event that almost certainly did not happen, but it’s my job.

The Doctor waits with Odysseus and his soldiers inside the horse, but the Doctor isn’t at all happy about it. In one memorable line that I am very, very surprised made it past the censors, Odysseus snaps that the Doctor is making him “…as nervous as a Bacchante at her first orgy.”

I beg your pardon?

I think you’ll find that a Bacchante is a female ROMAN follower of the ROMAN god, Bacchus. The Greek equivalent would be a Maenad, a female follower of the Greek equivalent, Dionysus.

The nonsense they’ll allow in children’s television these days!

Soon Troilus comes to Vicki in her cell and tells her that the Greeks have all left. The king thinks that she’s been a good luck charm after all, and has ordered her release. Unfortunately Steven isn’t as lucky.

The Trojans start bringing the horse into the city, much to Cassandra’s dismay. As annoying as she can be, she's the only person in the city with half a brain.

The Trojans think they’ve won… but it’s only a matter of time.

HORSE OF DESTRUCTION

The title of this episode sounds like it lost its nerve halfway to being a pun. That, or it’s just a stupid title. I know that Doctor Who likes ‘Noun of Adjective’-style titles, but ‘Horse of Destruction’ just sounds silly.

Cassandra says that the horse is a trick, an obvious trick, and the arrival of the ‘temple’ has brought nothing but bad luck, just as she said. Well, a stopped clock is right twice a day.

They notice ‘Cressida’ seems to have vanished, and Troilus goes to look for her while Cassandra sends her maidservant, Katarina.

Vicki releases Steven from the dungeon, telling him about the horse problem, and Steven wonders if his message got through. Well, chum, take a look at the great big horse standing in the town square and tell me what you think.

Perhaps it’s something in the water?

Troilus finds that his ‘Cressida’ has gone missing, and Cassandra starts screaming, yet again, about finding her and burning her. Cassandra, I like the mythical version of you, but all that screeching is giving me a headache.

Vicki returns to the palace, and they grill her on where she’s been. She manages to placate them, and the king goes with his children to investigate the horse, leaving Vicki alone with Katarina.

The Doctor grows thoroughly sick of Odysseus’ company, and finally snaps. He thoroughly tells him off, but the 'hero' pays him no mind.

Is there a Doctor in the horse?

Troilus returns for Vicki, who warns him to leave the city and find Steven (or as Troilus knows him, Diomedes) out on the plain. He takes her advice and takes his leave. Moments later, the Greeks emerge from the horse and begin dispatching the Trojan sentries. The Doctor looks on helplessly, dismayed at all the bloodshed.

Troilus doesn’t find ‘Diomedes’ out on the plane, but he does find Achilles. He doesn’t have long to wonder if ‘Cressida’ played him false before Achilles attacks. It’s a tough fight, but Achilles catches his heel on a bush and stumbles, enabling Troilus to deliver him a mortal blow. However, the dying Achilles summons the last of his strength and thrusts his sword at Troilus, gravely wounding him. So much for sending him out of harm’s way.

At least it's more dignified than dying of an arrow to the heel.

The Greeks open the gates of Troy, letting the rest of the army inside the city. The royal family barely have time to realise what’s happening before Odysseus bursts into the palace, and they realise that all is lost.

Vicki and the Doctor find each other in the chaos, and Vicki sends Katarina to find Steven before taking the Doctor into the TARDIS to talk to him.

However, wearing the guise of a Greek soldier doesn’t do Steven any favours. He gets a nasty wound in the shoulder before Katarina finds him and brings him safely back to the Doctor.

Vicki emerges from the TARDIS. In a curious gesture she hugs the ship before turning and walking back into the city. The Doctor watches in concern as she goes, but makes no attempt to stop her.

Odysseus attempts to prevent the Doctor from leaving, but the Doctor doesn’t have to put up with his nonsense any more. As the TARDIS vanishes, Odysseus wonders if he really was a god after all.

But where’s Vicki?

Out on the plains, Troilus is wailing over ‘Cressida’s betrayal quite hilariously, thoroughly chewing the scenery. He settles down once she turns up and explains herself. She couldn’t just leave him and allow him to think she’d betrayed him. Besides, she belongs here now.

Excuse me? You flirt for five minutes with this guy and you decide to go and live in the Bronze Age? Vicki, that’s the teenage hormones talking. What was the Doctor thinking letting her go?

Aeneas conveniently shows up, and Troilus and Cressida go to join him in building a new Troy. I can think of a lovely spot on the Italian peninsula which should do quite nicely.

And then they kiss. How romantic.

No, I don’t buy it. I’m sorry, but I just don’t. That’s twice now that Doctor Who has written off a teen-aged companion by making her fall in love with a bloke she’s just met, This time it feels less believable than it did with Susan, for whom it made sense as an ending to her arc, but Vicki showed no signs of being ready to stop travelling. In addition, Susan and David had been through more together, whereas Vicki apparently falls in love with Troilus after one chat in a prison cell.

The Doctor is a terrible guardian. Who in any universe would think it’s a good idea to leave a teen-aged girl in a warzone? Absolutely nothing good could come of that.

However, he’s more worried about Steven right now, who has taken a turn for the worse and badly needs drugs. I suppose whatever the Doctor is a Doctor of, it’s not medicine.

Katarina, who looks to be well on her way to being Vicki's replacement in the TARDIS crew, think she’s died and that the Doctor is a god. Who does that make him, I wonder? Hades?

Final Thoughts

The Myth Makers is a very enjoyable serial with many funny moments. I found myself laughing aloud in parts, having fun all the way. Donald Cotton does appear to have the knack for comic writing. With a number of cast members already established as comic actors, it’s no surprise that it turned out to be as funny as it did. Conversely, I think the serial is at its weakest when it’s trying to be more serious.

Vicki’s sendoff doesn’t make much sense to me, as it feels like too abrupt an ending for her story. I cannot speak to what may be going on behind the scenes at the BBC, but I suspect that Maureen O’Brien might have been a casualty of whatever shake-ups the new producer has in store. Only time will tell, but this has been the weakest companion departure so far. That's a real pity, as I liked Vicki a lot. She was witty, intelligent, kind, inquisitive, and just a delight to have around. O’Brien and Hartnell had excellent chemistry together. I feel quite sorry for our leading man now that all of his old long-term castmates have left.

Perhaps Katarina will be able to fill the hole Vicki left. It would be quite interesting to see how a girl from ancient Troy would react to all the weird, wonderful and horrible things out there in the Doctor’s universe.

I wonder what she’d make of a Dalek?

3.5 out of 5 stars

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Fashion, music, politics, sports

[October 12, 1965] Gaming Across the Pond (Wargaming in Britain)

October 12, 2020 GalacticJourney Leave a comment

The Journey lettercol continues to be active. Last month, we received a piece so interesting that we felt it deserved an article slot on its own. So let us present Mr. Geoff Kemp with his delightful survey of virtual conflicts in the UK…

Geoff Kemp

Two Roads Diverged…

Although primarily built on the foundations of two similar companies on either side of the Atlantic Ocean, board gaming has taken divergent paths over the course of the last 130 years. In America, Parker Brothers were formed in 1883 by George S. Parker. His gaming philosophy was to move away from the then current board games published to promote moral and social values, such as The Mansion of Happiness or which emphasized how hard work and manners would make you happy/wealthy, like Office Boy, to games that are fun to play. In contrast, in the United kingdom, John Waddington of Leeds founded a company which originally produced packs of cards and other paper products before moving over to initially card games and then board games primarily produced, like Parkers, for families to enjoy.

There was a great deal of crossover and communication between the two companies, with Parker Brothers producing ‘Monopoly’ in the USA before licensing Waddingtons to produce an English version: a London board rather than the original Atlantic City board used in the states. Later Cluedo was invented by Anthony E. Pratt of Birmingham, England and manufactured by Waddingtons before American rights were sold to Parker Brothers for production there. These were the two main players in producing board games for many years on both sides of the Atlantic, often licensing their games to each other. Thus gaming was seen as primarily seen as a family pastime and this continued with the arrival of companies such as Ariel Productions and H.P. Gibsons.

Things started to change for us in 1962, with the arrival firstly of 3M games (also known as Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Company) closely followed by The Avalon Hill Games Company (known as TAHGC) in the USA. They produced games which started to move away from ‘family’ games and towards board games geared for traditional wargaming as played on tabletops, featuring wooden/metal and occasional plastic models, as well as more financial based games or strategic games. From 3M came Twixt ('63), Stocks And Bonds ('64) and Acquire ('65) whilst Avalon Hill produced Stalingrad ('62), Afrika Korps ('64), Midway ('64), and Battle of the Bulge ('65). Combined with games such as Diplomacy (Games Research – 1954) and Risk, which was published by both Waddingtons and Parker brothers, there has been a suite of games diverging from the family games genre. Possibly the biggest recent innovation, however, was Avalon Hill’s. They began producing a magazine devoted to their games, in the form of ‘The General’ which saw the first edition dated 1st May 1964 with articles on game tactics, history and industry (almost exclusively AH related).

This is where gamers on this side of the pond have turned a shade of green in envy as even the magazine (much less the games it describes) can take weeks to get to us here, although at least we now have more of an idea of what is happening in the States. Besides home grown products such as the games from Waddingtons, Gibsons, Ariel, and a few others, it is not easy to get hold of a lot of American games; even the exceptions such as Acquire or Diplomacy are only found in some of the bigger department stores, unfortunately.

Another area where boardgames have diverged is in the area of sports related games, although this is more likely down to the popularity of different sports in each country. Again you have various Avalon Hill games such as Football Strategy ('60), Baseball Strategy ('62), and Le Mans ('61) whilst in the UK we have Subbuteo Football ('47), Subbuteo Cricket ('49), Wembley ('52), Stirling Moss Rally ('65) and Formula One ('65). Baseball being primarily an American sport and Cricket a British sport explains why each has gotten a game in their respective countries.

Possibly the biggest confusion is over ‘Football’ simulations as the game has different names on each side on the Atlantic. I believe in America, the Football Strategy game by Avalon Hill relates to what is known in the UK as ‘American Football’, whilst Subbuteo Football and Wembley are games reproducing Association Football which I understand to be known as ‘Soccer’ in the USA. Is this correct?

But racing is universal in appeal. Formula One is an excellent British game, easily the best British attempt to date to reproduce the excitement of Motor Racing. Unfortunately, although I have heard good reports of Le Mans, I have yet to see a copy so cannot really comment there. Stirling Moss Rally is based on Rallying (stage as opposed to circuit racing), which has been popular in Europe since 1895 and has many famous Races. The most well known is probably the Monte Carlo Rally which was first raced in 1911.

I have said that it is not easy for us here to be able to get hold of American Games, but is it the same for you in getting hold of some British games. I realise that in some cases certain games are available in both countries, such as Monopoly (published by both Waddingtons & Parkers) or Cluedo (Waddingtons), also I believe known as Clue (Parkers), but am unsure how many other games that applies to.

So what are you playing at the moment? Here I am enjoying a mixture of British and (when I can get them) American games. Current Favourites are in no particular order, Acquire (3M), Midway (Avalon Hill), Dog Fight and Square Mile (Milton Bradley), Astron, Risk, Railroader, Formula One and Mine A Million (Waddingtons), Wildlife (Spears), Wembley (Ariel) and Subbuteo Football.

They say that war arises between two parties over scarcity of resources. It is clear, however, that there need be no resumption of hostilities between Britain and the United States in the near future thanks to the abundance of games produced and shared by our two nations.

Now, if only my copy of The General would arrive in the post!

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[October 10, 1965] Doctor Where? (Doctor Who: Mission To The Unknown)

October 10, 2020 Jessica Holmes 1 Comment

By Jessica Holmes

Probably weren’t expecting me to be back so soon, eh? We’ve got a very, very unusual story this week, courtesy of Terry Nation. Why is it so unusual? Let’s find out.

MISSION TO THE UNKNOWN

We see the man from last week’s preview waking up in the middle of the forest, and saying he must kill. Kill who? Well, that doesn’t really matter. The killing is the important part. Don’t get too attached to him.

Nearby two men, Cory and Lowery, are trying to repair their spaceship. They are apparently with the UN Deep Space Force. I don’t know what that is but it certainly sounds cool. They’re starting to wonder where Garvey, the other bloke who woke up with a craving for murder, has vanished to. He shows up before long, and corners Lowery alone outside the ship. However, before he can kill him, Cory pops out and shoots him dead.

Rather than reacting with gratitude, Lowery is very upset with Cory for shooting his friend without giving him a chance. Cory makes a reasoned and sensitive response to his protest, introducing Lowery’s cheek to the palm of his hand.

He then shows Lowery the thorn behind Garvey’s ear. It’s a Varga thorn, he says, and this is what drove him into a murderous state.

The pair go inside the ship, and outside, Garvey’s hand starts to move, the flesh beginning to mutate into something else…

Inside the ship, Cory fills Lowery in on information he probably ought to have been given in the first place, but then again, if he already knew it then there wouldn’t be an opportunity to do an exposition dump. Cory is an agent with the Space Security Service: licence to kill, naturally. About a thousand years have passed since the last Dalek invasion of Earth, but they’ve been rebuilding their power in the meantime, and just last week a Dalek ship was spotted in local space.

As Cory explains all this, a now-transformed Garvey rises from the dead. He is more plant than human now.

Cory goes on to explain that he’s investigating this planet because, as the most hostile planet in known space, it could be a hidden base for the Daleks. Bringing up the thorn again, he tells Lowery that it’s a Varga thorn, and the Varga plant only grows naturally on the Dalek homeworld of Skaro. Logically, if there are Varga here, the Daleks must be too. Well, thinking about it, they could have been here, done some gardening, and then left, but he doesn't seem to consider that.

Sure enough, in the next scene we see a few Daleks. They’re expecting to receive emissaries from seven planets soon. Before they can hold their meeting, however, they’ll be needing to do something about the alien spaceship they’ve found. They’re going to destroy it, and any occupants. Big shocker, there.

The human astronauts are in big trouble as they set up their rescue beacon outside the ship. They’re surrounded by Varga, and the Daleks are closing in on their position.

Spotting a huge rocket ship flying overhead, Cory surmises that something very big is going on here, and if the Daleks are involved then the whole galaxy is in danger. They need to record a message and send the rescue beacon as soon as possible.

Before they can send it however, they hear the approaching Daleks, and grabbing the rocket they head for the cover of the jungle.

The Daleks find the human ship and set out to search for the crew, but not before blowing their vessel to smithereens.

As the pair move through the jungle, disaster strikes when Lowery brushes against a Varga, and it pricks his hand. Frightened, he conceals it from the other man. Have you watched no horror flicks ever, man? Everyone knows that nothing good ever comes of concealing the fact that you're about to turn into a bug-eyed monster/zombie/shrubbery with legs.

Meanwhile, an assortment of strange alien envoys are meeting with the Daleks. However, the meeting can’t begin as one of the aliens knows of a hostile influence on the planet, but the Daleks assure them that the humans are in the process of being hunted down and destroyed.

The assembled aliens agree to an alliance with the Daleks in a historic first which is very bad news for the rest of the galaxy. They represent the greatest invasion force ever assembled, and where are they planning to begin? Earth, of course.

It’s a very nice planet but why are aliens always so obsessed with it?

It’s interesting to me at any rate to see Daleks making alliances with other powers in space. They always seemed like loners to me, but I suppose pragmatism wins out in the end. I'll be curious to see how this all turns out. I wouldn't be surprised if the Daleks turn on their allies as soon as they outlive their usefulness.

Things go from bad to worse for the humans, as Lowery is quickly succumbing to the Varga’s poison. Cory returns from scouting to report having found a Dalek city hidden in the jungle, and he heard an announcement that the invasion of the galaxy is about to begin.

However, the Varga venom has consumed Lowery, leaving Cory with no choice but to shoot him dead as he reaches for his gun. Alone and with the Daleks fast catching up to him, he hurriedly records a message to warn the rest of the galaxy.

And then the worst-case scenario happens.

As he tries to attach the message to the beacon, the Daleks surround him. With a cry of ‘Exterminate!’ they blast him with everything they’ve got. Moments later, Cory lies dead, and his message will never be sent.

The galaxy won't know what hit it.

Final Thoughts

No, really. That’s it. That’s the whole story. This is the first Doctor Who story to be a single episode long. Not only that, it’s the first one in which neither the Doctor nor his companions make an appearance. I suppose he got his day off after all!

And to top it all off, this is the only episode so far in which the baddies win.

It is surprisingly dark. Doctor Who has never really shied away from character death, but it’s normally just the bad guys and one or two goodies at most that end up kicking the bucket. If this is setting the tone for the upcoming behemoth of a serial, which will also be by Terry Nation and featuring the Daleks, then we might have some grim television ahead of us.

Don’t get me wrong, though— I like it. It does admittedly feel more like a prequel to a bigger story than an actual standalone story of its own, but it’s tightly paced, they’ve managed to squeeze in a little characterisation which is pretty commendable given the very short runtime, and the Daleks are back to feeling like a real threat again, plus a tease of a number of other potentially interesting enemies.

It looks like our pal the Doctor is going to have his work cut out for him. We’ll have to wait and see how he gets on…

And for one final thing, I hear that this is Verity Lambert’s final episode as a producer on Doctor Who. I think we all owe her a big thank you for her role in bringing the show to life in the first place, and as a woman I thank and commend her for being the BBC’s first woman producer, paving the way for the many talented women who will follow in her footsteps. Thank you, Verity, and we all wish you the very best of luck for the future.

4 out of 5 stars

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Science Fiction/Fantasy, TV

[October 4, 1965] Galaxy Bore (Doctor Who: Galaxy 4)

October 4, 2020 Jessica Holmes 3 Comments

By Jessica Holmes

Hello, dear readers! Summer’s passed, there’s a cold snap in the air, and Doctor Who is back on our television sets, which means that I get to waffle on to you about it at great length. Did you miss me?

We’re kicking things off with a strange new world and a new writer. I don’t believe we’ve had William Emms pen an episode before, so shall we see how he got on?

FOUR HUNDRED DAWNS

The TARDIS materialises in a rather barren landscape, with a great big load of nothing as far as the eye can see. Well, as far as I can see, anyway, as my television set is malfunctioning. I managed to hear the audio just fine, but I did end up losing the picture quite often, so please do bear that in mind.

Aboard the TARDIS, Vicki’s giving Steven a haircut as the Doctor surveys the outside environment. He notices that the conditions are perfectly conducive to life, but there don’t seem to be any signs of it outside.

Not at first, anyway. Before long, a strange little thing scoots along. It looks a bit like a beehive on wheels, and it’s feeling its way around the TARDIS.

Leave it to Vicki to call it cute and nickname it a ‘Chumbley’.

It doesn’t stick around for long, enabling them to emerge from the TARDIS and spot the three suns in the sky. However, another arrives, this time toting what appears to be a gun. After witnessing it set a bush on fire with a single blast, the group allow the Chumbley to escort them off.

Two women watch as the Chumbley leads them away from the TARDIS. As it comes close to them, they throw a metal mesh over it, deactivating the device.

The explorers are glad of the rescue, and Steven in particular is pleased to see it comes in so fair a form. The women introduce themselves as Drahvins, sent by their leader to rescue the newcomers. They say that the Chumblies are under the control of the ‘Rills’, who sound jolly unpleasant. However, they don’t explain why their leader took an interest in them in the first place, and Vicki doesn’t trust that they have good intentions. Steven, however, is all too happy to trust a pretty face. For his part, the Doctor isn’t sure either way, and opts to be compliant, but cautious.

More Chumbleys arrive, and the group have to flee. The Drahvin women escort the travellers to their ship, a beat-up old rustbucket that isn’t flying anywhere any time soon.

I can’t help but roll my eyes as the men seem rather giggly as the women order them to be silent for the arrival of their leader, Maaga. Fellas, they might be women, pretty ones at that, but they have guns and look like they mean business.

Maaga arrives on the scene, and after debriefing her troops, informs the travellers that the Drahvins are at a state of war with the Rills, with total obliteration of the other side being the only possible outcome. They themselves may end up obliterated.

Why are they at war? The planet will explode in two weeks’ time according to the Rills, who have the only working spaceship.

Maaga doesn’t seem the type to try asking nicely.

As for why the planet’s about to explode, your guess is as good as mine. I’m no physicist, but I’d imagine the three suns exert enormous tidal forces on the planet, so perhaps it’s more accurate to say that it’s about to be torn apart.

The reason they’re on this doomed world in the first place is that their planet is overpopulated, and they were looking for suitable planets for colonisation. Steven asks if the population of Drahvin are all women, prompting another eye-roll from me. I can’t imagine he’d ask the same of an all-male crew, would he?

For the record, there are indeed men on Drahvin– just the few they need to breed the next generation. The rest are killed for being a waste of resources.

It’s an interesting society for sure, made even more so by the revelation that Maaga’s soldiers were grown in test tubes for the purpose of fighting and killing. She insists they aren’t real people, and they certainly act more like robots than sentient creatures, but that in my opinion could be more a matter of conditioning than anything else, which makes their poor treatment far more sinister.

Maaga finishes off the dump of exposition by telling the Doctor that the Drahvins and Rills shot one another down, the Rills having opened fire first, and then the Rills murdered one of her soldiers shortly after crash-landing.

A Chumbley approaches and attempts to send a message, but Maaga opens fire on it before it can, scaring it away.

It’s at this point the Doctor raises a pertinent question: why did the Rills tell the Drahvins that the planet was going to explode?

Maaga’s assumption is that they were trying to get the Drahvin to come aboard their ship so they can kill them.

Well, if that’s what she thinks, then who’s to say if the planet is actually in any danger at all?

Lucky for them that the Doctor is a scientist. He can find out one way or the other.

Vicki volunteers to stay behind while the men go back to the ship, ostensibly to make sure that the whole crew aren’t putting themselves in danger, but everyone including the audience knows that in actuality she’s a hostage.

The Doctor and Steven find a Chumbley trying to break into the TARDIS when they get back, but it gives up before long, and they get inside and the Doctor gets to work. He soon learns to his horror that the planet is indeed going to be destroyed– but the timing is way off! This planet doesn’t have fourteen dawns left… it has two.

Tomorrow is the last day this planet will ever see.

TRAP OF STEEL

Talking of things going BOOM, the fellas had better watch out for the Chumbley outside the TARDIS. It’s got a bomb!

The blast knocks the pair off their feet, but the ship itself is unharmed, surviving a second blast unscathed. The Chumbley leaves in defeat, and the men leg it before it can come back with an even bigger bomb.

On arriving back at the Drahvin ship, the Doctor tells Maaga that the planet is indeed going to explode, but he doesn’t share his knowledge of how little time they truly have left.

If the Drahvins are going to escape, they’ll need the Doctor’s help. Rather than ask for something reasonable, like a lift in the TARDIS, Maaga insists that the travellers help to capture the Rills’ ship. The Doctor refuses, as he’s not in the business of killing people, and he’s not about to start now.

The gang are starting to get suspicious of her version of the story and her insistence that they can’t possibly work together with the Rills, and it seems they’re right, as when asking nicely doesn’t work, Maaga threatens them with a gun. Steven tries to subdue her, but he’s no match for all her soldiers.

Left with no choice, the Doctor reluctantly agrees to help. However, his initial hesitance has made Maaga suspicious of him, and she threatens to kill Vicki unless he admits what he’s not telling her. He tells her how little time they really have, and she orders the men to go out immediately to capture the ship, intending to hold Vicki hostage. However, Steven insists on taking her place, and the Doctor and Vicki set off alone to try and capture a spaceship.

It doesn’t make sense to me. Surely it’d be better if they had the soldiers with them? There must be somewhere that Maaga could safely hold a hostage.

How about the air lock?

While awaiting the return of the others, Steven gets chatting to one of the soldiers, pointing out that it doesn’t seem very fair that Maaga gets better food and weapons than them, despite them being on the front lines and taking all the actual risks. He suggests to her that if she were to give him her gun, and she took Maaga’s, they could go out together and kill Chumbleys, and Maaga would be pleased with her. The soldier, being both naive and not terribly bright, which is presumably by design, is very nearly taken in, before Maaga shows up and puts an end to Steven’s short-lived escape attempt.

Maaga suggests to Steven that he could leave in the TARDIS and take her and her soldiers with him.

Why didn’t you ask that in the first place?!

Steven echoes my sentiments, and Maaga more or less tells him to shut up.

Charming. It’s a bit late now, though. Without the Doctor, Steven couldn’t take them off the planet even if he were so inclined.

Near the Rills’ base of operations, Vicki and the Doctor observe the movements of the Chumbleys, and Vicki realises that aside from being blind, the Chumbleys can’t detect sounds directly behind them. A suspiciously convenient design flaw, if you ask me. By exploiting this they manage to tail a Chumbley all the way to the Rills’ base, where they find a drill rig, and some sort of air purifier.

In summarising this, I am editing out the many, many pauses in the action in which a Chumbley rolls past agonisingly slowly, making a deeply irritating noise, while the Doctor and Vicki wait for it to pass. The pacing of this episode, and indeed the whole serial, would be a lot tighter without all these lulls, though I suspect it might end up a whole episode shorter.

Oh, and we finally get a glimpse of the Rills, observing them through a viewport inside their ship. I was half-expecting the Rills to turn out to be ordinary men, as it seemed to me that as Maaga was likely stretching the truth about their villainy, she might also be fibbing about them being monsters. Plus with her distaste for men to the point of absurdity, it would have been funny.

To give her credit, she was telling the truth– to a certain extent.

See, there’s one thing we can confirm about the Rills: they are most certainly NOT men. Not even close, appearing less like a person and more like a rotting whale carcass with lamprey mouths for eyes.

But are they as scary as they look?

AIR LOCK

A Chumbley arrives on scene, and the pair make a run for it. However, Vicki isn’t quite fast enough, and ends up trapped inside the Rills’ base. The Doctor quickly comes up with a plan to flush the Rills out of hiding, which will hopefully force them to open the doors, by messing with their air converter. However, it’ll take time, so he counsels Vicki to be brave and try to stay out of trouble, and go with the Chumbley.

Back at the Drahvin ship, Maaga’s finding that lab-grown soldiers with hardly any minds of their own make for poor conversation partners, as she tries to get through to them that the situation has changed, so no, they can’t go out on patrol. The soldiers are confused by the loyalty Steven shows to his friends, and Maaga, too, finds it confusing. She knows on an intellectual level that such creatures exist, but it would appear that Drahvin culture doesn’t share this concept with our own. Perhaps it’s her society, or just how she’s wired.

Still, inspirational speeches seem pretty universal, as Maaga gives her soldiers a lovely pep talk about stealing the Rills’ ship, and looking back on the exploding planet and imagining the horrible deaths the Rills are experiencing.

Nice lady.

As for the Rills, well, it turns out they’re rather polite. Using a Chumbley to translate his thoughts into speech that Vicki can understand, the Rill at the porthole apologises to her for separating her from the Doctor, and asks her who she is and what she’s doing here. When she explains that the Drahvins are forcing her to help steal the Rills’ ship, the Rill within is quite perplexed, as they had offered to take the Drahvins with them.

This Rill’s side of the story is that they encountered the Drahvins in space, and had halted their flight for fear of provoking an attack. He claims that the Drahvins fired first, so the Rills retaliated. Interesting.

Unable to breathe the local atmosphere, they nevertheless set out to help the Drahvins, finding one badly injured. However, before they could help her, Maaga intervened and drove them off, and as they left they witnessed her kill the injured soldier.

Curious, Vicki wants to properly know what the Rill looks like. However, he can’t come outside, as he can’t breathe oxygen at all.

That seems inconsistent with them having attempted to help an injured Drahvin, but it’s not terribly important.

Vicki realises with horror that the Doctor’s plan to flush them out will actually kill them.

Meanwhile, a dozy Drahvin provides Steven with another opportunity to escape, as he manages to sneakily subdue her and take her gun. However, on reaching the airlock, he finds himself stuck. On one side is Maaga, demanding he come back in. On the other is a Chumbley, which as far as he knows is unfriendly. He’s trapped.

Vicki manages to stop the Doctor from accidentally killing the Rills, and the Rill at the porthole explains to the Doctor that they’re drilling for oil to refuel their ship. The Doctor warns them that they don’t have as much time as they think. However, he can help.

Before he can elaborate much further, a Chumbley gets a message, and the group learn that Steven is trapped in the Drahvin airlock.

It’s worse than that, though. Tired of Steven’s misbehaviour, Maaga gives him three options: he can come inside and surrender, he can go out and face death by Chumbley, or she can depressurise the airlock with him inside.

Realising that Steven is in big trouble, the others rush off to help, taking a couple of Chumbleys for backup.

Struggling to breathe as the airlock depressurises, Steven decides to try his luck with the Chumbley. However, now that it’s depressurised, the outer door doesn’t work any more. His three options are down to two: surrender or suffocate.

THE EXPLODING PLANET

Arriving in the nick of time, one of the Chumbleys accompanying the Doctor and Vicki manages to blast the airlock open, and Steven staggers out gasping for breath. As the other two help him recover, a smoke bomb sends the Drahvins coughing and spluttering out of their ship. However, they find themselves outgunned by Chumbleys. As the travellers retreat with a Chumbley in tow, the Rills tell the Drahvins that though they’ve tried to be friendly, they won’t tolerate their new friends being attacked. They order the Drahvins to go back into their ship and stay there.

Maaga and her soldiers retreat and regroup, but they certainly don’t intend to stay put. With only one night remaining to capture the Rills’ ship, Maaga comes up with a plan to sneak out and destroy the Rills’ air converter.

The Doctor meanwhile offers the Rills a jump-start, heading off to hook up his ship to the Rills’ ship. Steven stays behind alone with the Rills, and it’s a bit awkward at first, made even more so when he asks if the Rills will actually let them go if they can’t power the ship in time. However, the Rills are not the Drahvins. If time runs out, so be it. Having seen the code the Doctor lives by, it would be a terrible waste if he were to die here for no reason.

Steven sheepishly apologises for mistrusting them, and tells them that the Drahvins will still be planning to steal their ship, and he gets to work on fixing the power cable.

Vicki and the Doctor arrive back at the TARDIS and connect the power line. It’s not very important, but there is a pretty line of dialogue in response to Vicki’s musings about this all soon exploding into nothingness. Not nothingness, the Doctor corrects her, but hydrogen gas spreading out among the stars like molten silver. It interests me how the Doctor finds the beauty even in destruction.

The first foreshocks of the planet’s destruction hit the Drahvin ship, and they begin to panic. Maaga may be about to reap what she’s sown, but I feel bad for her soldiers, because they don’t really understand their situation or how they’ve been manipulated. One of the Drahvins sneaks out of the ship and manages to smash the sentry chumbley with a pipe, enabling the others to escape.

The Rills usher the travellers to shelter inside their ship, which doesn’t sound very safe. I’m pretty sure ammonia and humans don’t mix. A Chumbley paralyses the first Drahvin to attempt entry into the Rills’ base, and more emerge to confront the Drahvins outside.

Finally coming face to face, the travellers, though initially a little taken aback by the Rills’ appearance, reckon that they probably look just as strange from the Rills’ perspective, so why treat them any different? It’s not the most subtle delivery of the moral of the story, as I’d have thought even a child could have gathered the ‘don’t judge people by how they look’ message, but there you go.

They can’t stay inside for long, as the ammonia starts to make Vicki feel ill, and the ship is almost fully powered. The Doctor insists that they don’t hang around to make sure that the travellers get back to the TARDIS safely, and they prepare to take off.

The Drahvins notice the sudden absence of Chumbleys, and see the Rill ship leaving. Their only hope now is the TARDIS, and they chase after the travellers. However, they aren’t fast enough, and the gang slam the doors shut and dematerialise as fast as they can, abandoning the Drahvins to their fate.

Maaga and her soldiers watch in terror as they realise they have no means of escape, and moments later the planet explodes in a flash of blinding light. Maaga may have made her own bed, but I’m not sure how I feel about abandoning her soldiers, as they really didn’t seem to have the capacity to go against Maaga. They might have had a limited degree of free will, but they could still feel pain and fear.

Safely away, the Doctor remarks that just once, he would like to land somewhere where he isn’t immediately surrounded by danger. They spot a likely planet, and we get to see a vibrant jungle, where a man sits with his gun, chanting under his breath ‘I must kill’. So it doesn’t look like the Doctor’s getting a break any time soon.

Final Thoughts

Honestly, there’s not that much to say about Galaxy 4. It doesn’t feel like anything particularly new, given we’ve had multiple stories in which the travellers find themselves in the midst of a conflict between two races on some other planet, one side being the baddies and the other the goodies.

As for tension, there’s really not much. The Chumbleys were too cute to be a threat in the first place, and as we learn they weren’t actually a threat at all. The Drahvins are just too incompentant to feel threatening, and the Rills immediately turn out to be nice. The whole thing has quite a plodding pace that doesn’t make me feel the urgency of the situation.

As a minor note, I feel like there was a point being made with the Drahvins, but I’m not sure what that point was. It could be taken as pro- or anti- feminist, depending on your outlook. On the one hand it’s a female-led society and a bunch of powerful warrior women. On the other, the society is misandrist to the point of absurdity, only one of the Drahvins actually has a name, the others being portrayed and described in-story as woman-shaped objects, Maaga’s leadership is deeply questionable and founded in manipulation, and the warrior women can’t even defend themselves from an unarmed teenage girl, as happens in one moment in the story where Vicki disarms a lone Drahvin.

If the intention was pro-feminist, the writer severely undermined his own message. And if it wasn’t, that doesn’t surprise me. Other than that it’s just not a terribly interesting serial to me. It’s not terrible or anything, but you’re not missing much.

Next time we’re going on a very brief trip, so hopefully there will be plenty of action packed into the next adventure.

Until next time!

2 out of 5 stars

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Galactic Journey

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[April 24, 1966] Playtime’s Over (Doctor Who: The Celestial Toymaker)

[March 28, 1966] Typhoid Doctor (Doctor Who: The Ark)

[February 28, 1966] A Bloody Return To Form (Doctor Who: The Massacre of St Bartholomew’s Eve)

[February 4 1966] What A Waste. What A Terrible Waste. (Doctor Who: The Daleks' Master Plan [Part 3])

[January 10, 1966] Kingdom Come (Doctor Who: The Daleks’ Master Plan [Part 2])

[December 6, 1965] Are You Sitting Comfortably? Then I'll Begin (Doctor Who: The Daleks’ Master Plan [Part 1])

[November 8, 1965] You Must Be Mythtaken (Doctor Who: The Myth Makers)

[October 12, 1965] Gaming Across the Pond (Wargaming in Britain)

[October 10, 1965] Doctor Where? (Doctor Who: Mission To The Unknown)

[October 4, 1965] Galaxy Bore (Doctor Who: Galaxy 4)

55 years ago: Science Fact and Fiction