By Jessica Holmes

It’s been a long couple of months, but Doctor Who is back, and so am I! Did you miss me?

I had heard rumours that William Hartnell was thinking about hanging up the TARDIS keys, but with a new series I think we can safely say those rumours are a load of tosh. I for one am very pleased– both because I enjoy the show, and because I'd be out of a job!

Though I do appreciate them, a pure historical story is an odd choice to start off a new series. Let’s be honest. Kids are not watching Doctor Who for the often fairly dry historicals. They’re watching for the bug-eyed monsters. Still, this story by Brian Hayles has pirates in it, and what kind of kid doesn’t like pirates? What's more, for the first time ever we have a woman in the director's chair, Julia Smith. Well, the kids might not care much about that, but I do.

Last time we saw the Doctor, we said a rather abrupt goodbye to companion Dodo, and said hello to Ben (Michael Craze) and Polly (Anneke Wills). Let’s see how they got along on their first adventure: The Smugglers.

EPISODE ONE

For heaven’s sake, I thought to myself when sitting down to watch this episode. My first story back, and the flipping telly’s on the fritz. Again.

Following the Doctor’s discovery of his two stowaways (he has a bit of a temper tantrum) and the obligatory expositional rundown of what the TARDIS is, the Doctor and company arrive in a cave in Cornwall in the 17th century. The BBC has seen fit to allow the cast and crew some fresh air and sunlight, filming much of the serial on location on the Cornish coast.

Exiting the cave, the trio make their way up to a nearby church, where they meet the warden, a suspicious fellow by the name of Longfoot (Terence De Marney).  Longfoot is wary of the three. He's guarding a secret: the true location of Captain Henry Avery’s buried treasure. The Doctor soon earns his trust with a little free medical aid. With the tide coming in, the trio intend to find a nearby inn. Before they depart, Longfoot warns them to be on their guard. He then says something quite peculiar to the Doctor: “This is Dead Man’s secret key: Smallwood, Ringwood, Gurney.”

Unseen by anyone, a bald man watches them from the bushes. After the Doctor and friends depart, the man emerges and follows Longfoot into the church, taking out a large knife.

The Doctor and company get a room at the inn, finding that the patrons are as rough as Lightfoot warned them. For Polly’s own safety, she pretends to be a young man. I suppose there weren’t many opticians in the 17th century, as nobody calls her paper-thin disguise into question. Maybe men were just prettier back then.

Back at the church the bald bloke, Cherub (George A. Cooper), confronts Longfoot. He demands to know where Avery’s gold is hidden. Longfoot refuses to talk, and in anger Cherub buries a knife in his back. You’d think a pirate would know that dead men tell no tales. Nor do they give you tips on where to look for buried treasure.

Longfoot’s body is discovered some time later, and the innkeeper, Kewper (David Blake Kelly), sends for the local Squire to come and act as magistrate. Cherub then arrives at the inn with a bunch of ruffians and demands to speak to the Doctor, having witnessed him talking to Longfoot. Though Ben and Polly try to defend him, Cherub and his ruffians manage to knock the Doctor unconscious and cart him off (literally).

Cherub’s long gone by the time the Squire (Paul Whitsun-Jones) and his stupid wig arrive. With no other likely suspects around, and Ben and Polly refusing to tell him who they are, he has the pair arrested for the murder of Longfoot.

Meanwhile, Cherub brings the Doctor aboard a ship, where he makes the acquaintance of one Captain Samuel Pike (Michael Godfrey) — a real pirate! He's got a hook for a hand and everything.

So far, the story is a perfectly decent but by-the-numbers pirate story. I keep expecting Long John Silver to limp in at any moment.

EPISODE TWO

The Doctor’s gift of the gab gets him out of a pickle when Pike and Cherub threaten to torture the secret of Avery’s treasure out of him. Laying the flattery on thick, he bargains for a share of the treasure in return for information.

Meanwhile, Polly comes up with a plan to get out of jail, but Ben has to help because there’s a rat between her and the hay she needs for the plan, and she’s scared of rats. We can’t have the womenfolk appearing to be too competent, can we? They might start getting ideas. To be fair, there’s a non-zero chance that it might be carrying the plague, so maybe she’s just being smart.

Ben and Polly trick their guard Tom (Mike Lucas) into believing they’re apprentices of the powerful wizard, the Doctor. Unless he lets them go, they’ll use a magical effigy to do some rather unpleasant things to him. It’s a superstitious time, so he actually falls for it.

The pair return to the church, where they subdue an intruder emerging from a secret tunnel in the crypt. Thinking this is the true murderer, Polly runs off to inform the Squire. It turns out that this man, Blake (John Ringham, who also played Tlotoxl back in The Aztecs), is actually a revenue officer investigating the local smuggling ring.

Kewper gets himself captured by Pike while trying to make a business deal with him, which gives Pike an idea. Donning his best Captain Hook costume, he and Cherub go to meet with the Squire. Their intention is to learn all they can about the smuggling operation, and rob them for everything they've got.

However, Polly arrives at the Squire’s house and immediately identifies Cherub as the man who kidnapped the Doctor. The Squire doubts her story, blinded by the magnificence of Pike’s luscious wig.

Still, the revenue officer might pose a real problem. The men head off to the church, dragging Polly with them.

This episode was a rather dull affair, I’m sorry to say. I often found my concentration slipping, though I did get a good laugh out of Pike’s ridiculous outfit.

EPISODE THREE

The group arrive at the crypt only for Ben to also point out that these are the pirates who abducted the Doctor, but the Squire still won’t have it. He has Cherub release the revenue officer, and orders Blake to arrest Ben and Polly.

Blake complies, only to immediately release Ben and Polly once they’re away from the rogues. Unlike the Squire, Blake has two brain cells to rub together. He makes plans to summon a militia so that he can intercept and detain the smugglers.

Meanwhile on the ship, the Doctor and Kewper realise they have to escape and warn the village of the impending pirate raid. The Doctor comes up with a cunning plan. It involves deception, reading ominous fortunes in a pack of cards, and Kewper hitting their guard Jamaica on the back of the head when he’s not looking. It's not subtle, but if it works, it works.

I think it's worth mentioning that Jamaica, played by Elroy Josephs, is the first black actor to appear on Doctor Who in a speaking role. It’s not a big part, but perhaps it is a sign of progress given the programme’s previous habit of slathering white actors in dodgy makeup.

He’s not around for long though, as once Pike finds out the prisoners are gone, he slays Jamaica in a fit of rage.

The Squire shows his pirate friends a little surprise at the church: he has a cache of valuable goods hidden in one of the tombs. Why he chooses to show this to the pirates I don’t know, because he wants them to drop their goods down on the beach. Methinks this chap is too trusting for his own good.

Having made his way back to the shore, the Doctor reunites with his friends, with Kewper accompanying him. However, upon seeing Blake he thinks the Doctor has led him into a trap. He flees, heading to the Squire’s house, where he is finally able to convince him that his new associates are untrustworthy pirates. They also realise that the pirates are after Avery’s treasure. Perhaps there’s an opportunity for profit?

Though Ben wants to go back to the TARDIS, the Doctor decides to stay, having a sense of obligation to prevent the pirates raiding the village. The group head up to the graveyard, reasoning that the smugglers will be coming through there. Ben and Polly start examining the old graves. Hearing some of the odd names scattered throughout the graveyard, the Doctor has a sudden realisation: ‘Dead Man’s Secret’… the treasure must be somewhere in the crypt!

Before they can make much progress in finding the treasure, the Squire arrives with Kewper. Kewper threatens the lives of Ben and Polly in an effort to force the Doctor to help him. The Squire intervenes, aghast at the idea of cold-blooded murder. While they’re bickering, Cherub arrives unseen and flings a knife into Kewper’s back.

The schemes are really starting to pile up at this point, and the serial is finally getting fun to watch. Shame it’s almost over.

EPISODE FOUR

A shot rings out. The Squire falls back, clutching his shoulder, injured but not dead, and very much regretting his involvement in the treasure hunt. Holding Polly at gunpoint, Cherub orders the Doctor to tell him where the treasure is.

The Doctor repeats the riddle for him, but there’s a discrepancy. Rather than Smallwood, one of the names they need to find is actually Smallbeer. The riddle we heard in the first episode was actually flubbed. I am surprised that nobody apparently caught this mistake earlier on. Perhaps there was no time or budget for a reshoot or over-dubbing the line.

Cherub recognises the names, and informs the Doctor that there’s another name hidden in the riddle, Deadman. The names belonged to members of Avery’s crew, and are hidden around the crypt.

Pike arrives with his band of pirates and shows them the cache hidden in the tomb. I couldn't think of when else to mention this note of trivia, so I'll put it here: one of the pirates, the Spaniard, is played by Doctor Who's stuntman and fight coordinator, Derek Ware.

While the crew are plundering the cache, Pike goes to the church to find Cherub. Discovering him in the crypt with the others, Pike thinks Cherub means to double-cross him– and he’s right. Cherub attempts to shoot his captain, but misses, leading the pair to start fighting. Meanwhile, Blake and his militia hurry to the village. Everything’s kicking off now.

The Doctor urges Ben and Polly to make a break down the tunnel to the TARDIS. Pike wins his duel with Cherub, dealing him a slow and apparently very painful death. The deaths in this serial, of which there are a lot, do seem rather more drawn out than is typical for Doctor Who. I can’t imagine being run through tickles, but it’s a bit grim for teatime television.

The Doctor makes Pike a new offer. He’ll give up his share of the gold and tell him where to look for it, as long as Pike keeps his crew away from the village.

Ben and Polly run into some trouble as they head back to the TARDIS, with Ben knocking out one pirate and the two struggling to subdue another, until Blake arrives to shoot the blaggard dead.

Following the clues, the Doctor and Pike find the treasure! Shame Pike will never get a chance to enjoy it. Blake’s militia has arrived. They begin to clash with the pirates, the crash of steel echoing off the stone walls of the crypt.

Pike tries to escape, only to find his egress cut off by Blake and Ben. The Squire finds his backbone and grapples Pike, holding him in place long enough for Blake to finish him off.

The Doctor and Ben slip back to the TARDIS. There’s quite a lot of bodies to clean up, and who can be bothered with all that? With the group back together, they note that everyone who sought after the treasure is now dead. All except for the Squire, who renounced his greed for the gold. Perhaps there really was something to that curse after all… or perhaps it’s more of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The TARDIS departs, and it doesn’t look like they’ll be back in London any time soon. As the temperature begins to plummet, the Doctor checks his scanner. They’ve landed in the coldest place in the world! I assume he means Antarctica.

Final Thoughts

Though the final episode was actually rather good and exciting, this serial suffers from something I’ve noticed in a lot of Doctor Who serials: a rather dull second act. It happens again and again. There’s one interesting episode followed by a bunch of rather dull ones. These sluggish episodes do a fine job of setting up the final episode, but fail to offer entertaining television in their own right. As adults, we can push through, but four weeks is an eternity to a child. I don’t think serials like this are able to hold their attention for that long.

As suspected from the first episode, the plot is a perfectly serviceable pirate story. There’s nothing wrong with it, per se. But I think even those with only a passing knowledge of pirate-related literature will find it all too familiar. There's a distinctive whiff of Treasure Island hanging over the whole thing.

On the bright side, I have taken a bit of a shine to the Doctor’s new companions Ben and Polly. Polly’s bright and resourceful, and Ben seems sweet, if a little rough around the edges. The important thing is that he’s got a good, brave heart. I think I’ll enjoy having these two around.

3 out of 5 stars