By Jessica Holmes

No, it doesn’t deserve a better pun. Dear reader, I have suffered. I have been tormented, driven to the very edge, and my hearing may never recover from the onslaught of NOISE. This isn’t the worst serial I’ve had to review, but it might be the most irritating. Hang on a tick, and I’ll explain why.

THE CRATER OF NEEDLES

I went into this episode hoping for the second half of the serial to make up for the mildly-promising-but-fairly-lacklustre nature of the first. Not only was I disappointed, but I think these episodes have soured me on the first half, and I’m glad to see the back of both.

We pick up with Ian and Vrestin, who just took a tumble and landed in the path of a dry ice machine. As if that wasn’t bad enough, a gang of dodgy costumes come to accost them.

Elsewhere, the Crater of Needles is… a crater. With big needles. They’re a literal bunch, the Menoptra.

In the crater are a number of wingless Menoptra being pushed around by the Zarbi. This is where Barbara’s ended up. She and the Menoptra are being made to heap vegetation into the acid streams. There, it’s broken down and drawn up to feed the carcinome.

Her Menoptra companion whose name escapes me (though it really doesn’t matter) explains to Barbara everything that Vrestin explained to Ian last episode. They came to liberate the slaves, overthrow the Animus, and failed miserably.

Back at the carcinome, the Animus grows impatient with the Doctor. It threatens to kill Vicki unless he comes up with the intelligence he promised. He gives up just enough information to buy them some time, then sends Vicki to grab his cane from the ship.

Down with Ian, we begin the long, boring and ultimately pointless subplot in which he and Vrestin meet the Optera. They're a bunch of bug-people who descended from the Menoptra. Rather than go and live on a moon, they went underground and lost the ability to fly and speak in complete sentences. Somehow, they are even more ridiculous than the Menoptra.

They might look more reserved on the pictures, but you haven’t seen them move. Their leader enters the room like a clumsy kid in a sack-race, literally hopping up to them. And while the Menoptra augment their speech with interpretive dance, the Optera bounce.

Also, Vrestin keeps calling Ian ‘Heron’. No, I’ve no idea why. Maybe ‘Ian’ is hard to say in her dialect.

Anyway, Mr. Hoppy, whose actual name I wasn’t paying attention to because I was too busy laughing at him, is a grumpy little pillbug. He gives the standard ‘outside world dangerous, outsiders must die’ speech that I swear happens at least once per serial at this point.

Speaking of the outside world, the invasion’s turned up, but unfortunately the Zarbi caught wind of it ahead of time. Hm, I wonder what happened there?

The Menoptra realise this too, and start to wonder. Their plan relied upon the element of surprise. Now it might be all for nothing.

This would be easier to take seriously if one: they didn’t look like that, and two: their voices weren’t so funny.

Meanwhile, with the Doctor, he’s using his cane to get hold of a mind control collar without touching it, while Vicki scares away the nearby Zarbi with the spider specimen.

Seriously, what’s with the spider fear?

The Doctor says something technobabble-y about realigning the power of the gold control whatsit. It sounds like gibberish and almost certainly is. The point is he’s trying to make the collar safe.

What kind of spider is that? It only seems to have six legs. That's not a spider, it's a beetle with delusions of grandeur.

The Menoptra in the crater prepare to destroy the larvae gun used by the Zarbi, and it’s at this point I felt rather thick as up until now I hadn’t realised what on earth they were on about when they mentioned the larvae gun. It’s the woodlousey things. The larvae…are guns. Okay. Sure.

The Doctor hooks up the control collar (I refuse to call it a necklace) to the TARDIS’ astral map, in the hope that the power of the TARDIS will overpower the device. And lo, it works. We even get a little pyrotechnic effect.

However, it catches the attention of the Zarbi, and the Animus tells him that time’s up. He lies and says that his equipment is faulty, which comes undone moments later when the device picks up a signal from the invasion force, revealing he knew where they were and what their plans were all along.

For this betrayal, the Zarbi place the Doctor and Vicki under a pair of control collars, but bear in mind that we did just see the Doctor deactivate one of them.

Barbara and the other Menoptra escape the crater, but that blasted warble sounds off again as the Zarbi flock to battle stations, and the Menoptra become convinced that the Doctor betrayed them.

Down below, the Optera are hopping mad and fully intent on killing Ian and Vrestin. They’re only acting in self defence.

Vrestin tries to convince them that her people are coming to liberate them from the animus and their zarbi slaves. The Optera are their kin, after all. When old-fashioned words don’t do the trick, she flashes them her wings. They’re suitably impressed, as well they should be. The wings are the one good bit of costume work in the whole serial.

Barbara and the Menoptra continue onwards and I have to admit the Menoptra do look good in flight as the spearhead comes in to land. The wings flex in a rather lovely and realistic manner.

The wingless Menoptra warn the spearhead to get out of here, or they’ll be massacred, but it’s too late. They’re already committed.

Well, it's more of an elegant smear, but it really did look good in motion.

The rest of the spearhead shows up, and out scuttles a larvae gun, which dispenses with them so effortlessly I’m wondering if the Menoptra are trying to get themselves killed.

This whole battle scene gave me a headache. That Zarbi warble continues throughout, and if that wasn’t ear-bleeding enough, we have to also endure what passes for a battle cry from the Menoptra, which all combined makes the most irritating sound in the world.

And it looks…well. The battle’s beneath a bunch of people in fancy dress hanging from wires and some rough ant sculptures with human legs sticking out the bottom. And a massive woodlouse with tassels. And someone smeared petroleum jelly on the lens so thick you can't even see most of what's going on. How do you think it looks?

The Zarbi force the spearhead into a retreat, and Barbara and her cohorts flee, only to be cornered by the giant ants moments later. How will they get out of this one?

Well, going by what I’ve said so far, I think you can gather that I’m not enormously fond of this episode.

INVASION

So, surrounded by the Zarbi, backs to the wall, it appears that all hope is lost for Barbara and the Menoptra. However, they have a trick up their sleeve. It’s called running away. But then they somehow managed to get cornered a second time, and with nowhere left to go, Barbara backs up into the wall…and the wall opens up. No, the set isn’t falling to bits. They’ve found a secret tunnel.

Meanwhile, Vicki, wearing the deactivated collar, is able to remove the device controlling the Doctor, who takes a minute or so to fully come to from the disorienting effect of the collar. Once he’s fully lucid, he figures that if they’ve reversed the power of the collar, he’ll be able to control it with his ring. I genuinely don’t know how. If they ever explained it, I must have missed it.

One ring to rule them all…

With some semblance of a plan starting to come together, Vicki attracts the attention of a nearby Zarbi by throwing the Doctor’s collar on the floor at her feet. When the Zarbi comes to investigate, the Doctor (wearing the deactivated collar) slips his device over the insect’s neck, rendering it docile and free from the Animus’ control. With their new pet in tow, the pair start to make their escape.

It turns out that Barbara and company have discovered an ancient temple of the Menoptra. Here, they meet up with some more of their forces and report the massacre. They come to the realisation that they have to warn the invasion force before it’s too late.

Is Barbara using her hands as binoculars?

Barbara asks what the plan would have been had the spearhead not failed, and the Menoptra show her a living cell destructor which they’d have used on the heart of the Animus. Barbara figures they have no choice but to try and push ahead with the attack.

Deep underground, Ian and Vrestin have convinced the Optera to help them. Mr. Hoppy tells them that these tunnels breathe, and in the centre grows the root of evil. Vrestin gathers that this must be the Animus, and Ian asks Mr. Hoppy to take him there.

Yes, I’m sure he probably had a name, but I think Mr. Hoppy suits him better. I don’t mind the Menoptra’s use of dance-like movements with their speech, as that’s similar to how bees communicate in real life, but the hopping just looks ridiculous.

Walkies!

The Doctor and Vicki escape the carcinome and set about finding the Menoptra, their pet Zarbi in tow. Now free from the control of the Animus, it seems about as smart and aware of what’s going on as a cow, so Vicki immediately gets attached and names it Zombo. Bless her. Just keep Zombo well away from Barbara.

Speaking of Barbara, she’s drawing up plans for a mock attack to distract the Zarbi while the rest of the forces make the real attack on the Animus. Then the Doctor and Vicki turn up, along with Zombo.

Ian’s journey through the tunnels is briefly interrupted when one of the Optera breaks through a wall into one of the acid pools above, and having no other way to protect the others, blocks it off with her own head. Ian looks appropriately appalled, but the group carry on.

When they said to use your head, I don't think they meant it quite like that.

Up above, the Doctor approves of Barbara’s plan. He asks what’s actually at the centre of the web, but the Menoptra don’t know. The doctor wonders where it draws its power from, and the Menoptera explain that the centre of the web is at the magnetic pole of the planet, so I suppose it’s generating power from the planet’s magnetic field.

This also apparently explains how the new moons showed up because of the same power drawing them here which… unless I’ve completely misunderstood what they’re getting at, is complete and utter nonsense. Magnetism and gravity are two different things, and moons are not held in place through magnetic forces. But it’s the only explanation we’re getting for the moon weirdness and the TARDIS being drawn here, so we’ll have to just put up with it.

The Doctor thinks of one small alteration to make to the plan. The mock attack will go ahead, but he and Vicki will take the cell destroyer to the Zarbi headquarters.

The Menoptra are hesitant, but decide to trust him, pretty much based on Barbara’s say-so, despite their earlier gatherings that the Doctor told the Animus about the invasion.

Vicki’s not enthused about going back to the carcinome, but they need the TARDIS back.

Hartnell makes some of the most wonderful facial expressions.

The Menoptra ask to borrow Zombo for the attack, however to control the creature they’ll need to borrow the Doctor’s ring, which he is loath to part with. However, when Barbara pipes up that it’s a good idea to take Zombo to the mock attack, the Doctor ceases all protest and hands the ring over. Just in case you were wondering who’s really in charge around here!

The Doctor and Vicki head back to the carcinome, meanwhile down below, Ian and Vrestin are, you guessed it, still in the tunnels.

Barbara and her troops ready themselves for the mock attack, but all is not well. The Zarbi capture the Doctor and Vicki upon their return to the carcinome. Some sort of webbing gun sprays them, holding them in place, and no small amount of pain.

I think this is one of the better episodes of the serial, but that’s not saying much.

THE CENTRE

The most awkward hug in the world doesn’t last very long. Vicki breaks loose from the webbing, and the Hairdryer Of Doom descends on the Doctor. He tries to explain that they came back to the carcinome of their own free will. That's not good enough for the Animus. He’s exhausted his usefulness. All he’s good for now is his intelligence, so the Animus orders that he be brought to the centre of the web.

"Did I leave the kettle on? I think I'm forgetting something…"

However, as they’re escorted out, Vicki remembers that she hid the web destroyer in the astral map when they were captured. She didn’t get a chance to retrieve it. They’ve lost their only weapon.

Meanwhile, Barbara and the Menoptra are carrying out their fake attack, and the Menoptra are continuing to get on my nerves. Down below Ian is, surprise, surprise, still in the tunnels. They find an aquifer, and also a tunnel leading upwards, but most of the Optera are too chicken to try climbing it. However, Mr. Hoppy agrees to go with Ian and Vrestin, and the group carries on.

Back with Barbara, the gang take Zombo’s gold collar and try to slip it onto one of the larvae guns. It doesn’t go very well. On the bright side, it did kill the gun…but also one of the Menoptra.

The Doctor and Vicki arrive at the centre of the web, and the Animus flashes them. A bright light. It flashes them a bright light. Vicki, having forgotten the weapon, resorts to shouting at the Animus and telling it to go away. Well, it was worth a shot. Though I can think of some much better insults than calling it a parasite. However, the Animus does say something quite interesting in response.

“Parasite? A power absorbing territory, riches, energy, culture…”

Hm, any of that ringing a bell? It might as well have said ‘Hello, I am a metaphor for imperialism.’

Let’s take a closer look at that for a moment. Does the metaphor hold water? Let’s break it down. The Animus barged into this world, claimed it for its own, and began to plunder it. It drove away or subjugated the native population, severing the connection to their own culture. Finally, it imposed its own ideas on the remaining populace and exploited them for its own benefit.

Although with the Zarbi being a non-intelligent species, the metaphor could use a little work. If we’re casting the Zarbi in the role of an invaded people, and the Zarbi had no intelligence and no society before the Animus arrived, then it would seem that the episode is (probably) unintentionally reinforcing the classic imperialist justification that the oppressors are a ‘civilising’ force.

I am probably giving this deeper thought than it deserves. I accept I might be talking a load of twaddle. It’s just my reading.

Oh, and can everyone referring to the Animus as a spider please remind themselves what spiders look like. That does not look like a spider. It’s not making my skin crawl even a little bit. It reminds me more of a jellyfish.

Ian and the others continue to climb. Moving on.

Barbara continues her assault, and the Menoptra take control of another Zarbi.

Meanwhile, the Animus has Vicki and the Doctor ensnared. It wants to use their intelligence to spread all the way to our own solar system, to conquer humanity. Another element to reinforce the Animus as Empire metaphor: the insatiable desire for more.

Barbara finds the Doctor’s astral map, so the Menoptra try to contact the main force. However, they get no reply. Upon investigation, Barbara finds the web destroyer.  They realise they have to try and get it to the centre themselves.

Meanwhile, Ian is climbing. Good grief, his side-plot is boring.

The Menoptra continue to astound with how stupid they sound doing anything. The group rush the Zarbi guarding the centre, and manage to get through without any casualties. How convenient. Seriously, how did they ever lose to this lot?

In the centre, they’re attracted to the light of the Animus, like moths to a flame. Barbara aims the plot device at the dark side of the entity (for…reasons). It doesn't do anything. All seems lost.

Then guess who shows up out of a hole in the ground!

Well it's about time, Ian.

I was rolling my eyes and expecting Ian to go and just wrestle the Animus to death, but he just sort of stands around while Barbara tries again with the web destroyer. This time, it works. The Animus slowly deflates. And then it’s dead. Just like that.

Without the Animus disrupting the environment, fresh water begins to flow on the surface once more. Free of its influence, the Zarbi become docile creatures once more.

This all gets explained for the umpteenth time. This serial has a real issue with repeating information to all the different characters. It just serves to pad the runtime and is boring.

Even the larvae guns are friendly now. They’re almost cute. Barbara plays with one rather than instinctively shooting it in the face, so huzzah for character development.

The Optera come to the surface and can finally bask in the sunlight. They won’t fly, given their wings atrophied long ago, but their children might, according to the Menoptra.

I don’t see any wings. I’m not sure they’re even the same species any more. Still, if it makes them happy, fair enough. If nothing else, it’s pretty funny watching them hopping about and flapping their arms, and weirdly endearing.

The Doctor gets his ring back, and the group pile into the TARDIS, bound for their next adventure. Ian, for his part, is still not over losing his tie.

Watching the TARDIS vanish, the Menoptra promise to remember them. They vow the flower forest will one day regrow, the planet can be repopulated, and… is the serial over yet?

And we are done, we are free. Free as a Menoptra, but I’ll leave the dancing to them, thanks. Good grief that was tiresome by the end. Not as tiresome as the attack of the stuck return button. But still. I’m relieved to be free of it.

Final Thoughts

Oh, and another thing! I thought of another thing to moan about once I’d finished watching the episodes. What, ultimately, was the POINT of Ian’s Journey To The Centre Of The Plot? He doesn’t actually do anything once he arrives at the centre of the web. It just serves to reunite him with the others. So why did we need to keep cutting back? The Optera didn’t prove essential. You could cut them out of the serial and lose nothing of value.

I’m glad it was Barbara who saved the day given that it’s usually Ian who faces off against the monsters. At the same time, Ian’s lack of having anything to do in the final confrontation renders his journey pointless.

So, what is there to say that hasn’t already been said? It’s an ambitious serial, I’ll give it that much. And creative, I can’t fault it for creativity. However, the execution leaves quite a lot to be desired. The plot is quite meandering. There are a number of scenes that go on for longer than they need, or could have been cut altogether. To me, these are clear signs of too little plot stretched over too many episodes. I think I’ve made my thoughts on the costumes and sound design quite clear. Frankly, I just find all the insectoid aliens annoying.

I think if the production team were given the budget of a feature film then it could have turned out better. However, all the money in the world can’t hide a script that has to keep stalling for time. More money, fewer episodes, and a good sharp editing pen, and this serial could work. It would be well worth it.

Not at all informative — are we going to Africa? Will the next episode star a host of aliens in cat costumes?

2 out of 5 stars