By Jessica Holmes

Another year draws to a close, and so does this serial. Let’s take a closer look at the ending of The Ice Warriors.

EPISODE FOUR

As the Ice Warriors train their cannon on Victoria, I have to wonder: how do they do anything with those great big digger-game claws of theirs?

While I’m pondering this, the Ice Warriors decide that Victoria is more useful as live bait than dead meat, and refrain from killing her. At the Doctor’s urging, Victoria makes a run for it, with an Ice Warrior in…  lukewarm pursuit.

Waddling like people from a Fisher Price set.

Desiring to find out what kind of reactor the Ice Warrior ship has (as Victoria had no idea what she was looking at), the Doctor decides to go have a look for himself, taking a vial of ammonium sulphide with him for protection.

The Doctor invents a new drinking game: take a shot every time Victoria gets captured.

I enjoy how blasé he is about the idea of getting deliberately captured. After the billionth time being taken captive by the baddie of the week, it probably gets a bit dull. Still, at least he probably has his recorder to keep him amused.

Meanwhile, Victoria continues to run from the Ice Warrior. Perhaps she would move faster if she wasted less oxygen screaming her lungs out. It’s not doing her much good, and it’s not making the already unstable glacier any safer.

Not for the Ice Warrior, anyway. Just as it catches up to her, a well-timed avalanche buries the pair of them, killing the Warrior and trapping Victoria.

Jamie meanwhile starts to recover from his injury, but to his distress discovers that the alien weapon has left him paralysed from the waist down. Penley and Storr, concerned for the lad, debate how best to help him. Storr has the bright idea of befriending the aliens and asking for their help—‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’ and all that. Well, I can’t fault a chap for wanting to see the best in people. Even when those people are eight feet tall and have a violent streak.

Nice pants.

Storr heads out onto the ice with Penley chasing after him, and both find something unexpected. Storr finds Victoria, and Penley finds the Doctor. Upon learning from Victoria that the aliens want to destroy the scientists’ base, Storr is even more eager to make their acquaintance.

Unfortunately, the Ice Warriors do not share his eagerness to work together. Already angry with Victoria for running away and costing him one of his warriors, Varga sees no use for Storr, and kills him before he even gets a chance to ask about some help for Jamie. Not that Varga would have given it.

To amend my previous statement: I can’t fault a man for being trusting, but I can fault him for trying to conspire to blow up a load of people because he doesn’t like them.

And it looks like Victoria is back at square one. I think of plot threads like this as a walk around the block. It might look like you’re going places and doing things, but you just end up back where you started with sore feet.

Meanwhile, the Doctor has a look at Jamie, and assures him that he will regain the use of his legs—as long as he gets some proper medical care and supervision. A reluctant Penley agrees to take Jamie back to the base while the Doctor goes ahead to meet with the Warriors.

Things get off to a rocky start on that front. The Ice Warriors are good enough to open the exterior airlock at the Doctor’s knock, but then seal him inside, demanding to know who he is… under threat of explosive decompression!

EPISODE FIVE

In true Doctor fashion, he gets out of the situation by giving the Ice Warriors an absolute non-answer. He’s a ‘scientist’.

I wouldn't count that as a valid response, but apparently it's good enough for the Ice Warriors, who let him in.

Meanwhile, Penley and Jamie run into trouble as they traverse the wilderness, as they hear the not-so-distant howl of wolves…before coming face to face with a bear.

Awwww.

Oh, I mean ‘oh no, how scary!’

Luckily, Penley manages to stun it.

The Ice Warriors start asking the Doctor tricky questions, beginning to realise that he’s not really here to offer help, but to spy, and confiscate his communication device.. The Doctor warns them that sooner or later the base will have to use the Ioniser, whatever the consequences. Back at base, Clent takes his meaning. But what if the Ioniser makes the alien ship blow up? The contamination could be disastrous. But if he doesn’t use the ioniser, the glacier will advance and Europe will be consumed by ice.

Unsure of what to do, he puts the question to the computer. And the computer doesn’t know. Being purely logical, it’s risk-averse, and tells him to wait for more information. Realising the computer is no help, Clent decides to… uh… do as it says and wait around.

I thought he was gearing up for a big impressive leadership moment, but it looks like he was just being pompous.

Threatening to kill Victoria, the Ice Warriors start asking what the base’s power source is. Though she protests not to tell them, the Doctor says they’ll find what they need at the base.

These Ice Warriors are extremely accepting of evasive answers, aren’t they?

Satisfied, the Ice Warriors immediately begin planning to attack the base, to which Victoria protests ‘you can’t be so inhuman!’

Gee, what gave it away, Victoria? Was it the hissing, the scales, or the fact they’re literally from Mars?

Penley and Jamie make it to the base, where Clent is not exactly pleased to see his ex-colleague. The dynamic between Clent and Penley is actually my favourite part of this entire serial. There’s a real sense of mutual resentment, betrayal, and a heaping helping of bitterness.

They’re like a couple of divorcees.

It doesn’t take long before they’re at each others’ throats, and a heated argument quickly devolves into a scuffle, resulting in Penley and Jamie getting stunned and locked away in a recovery room.

Honestly, the human dynamics in this serial are more interesting to me than the alien threat. It’s a while since we’ve had a serial without any aliens or robots or whatnot. Perhaps we could do with a few more from time to time?

The Ice Warriors prepare to assault the base, and Victoria’s incessant wailing for once comes in useful, providing a cover for the Doctor to whisper his plan to her.

Of course, it doesn’t really help that she keeps halting her sobs to whisper back to him.

Somehow, their guard doesn’t notice.

The Doctor’s plan more or less consists of throwing his vial of ammonium sulphide at the floor and hoping the alien likes it less than he and Victoria will. See, ammonium sulphide is better known…as a stink-bomb. Because it stinks.

Also it’s highly flammable, corrosive, and toxic.

Probably not the best thing to be dropping in a confined space.

Silly ideas like this are what happen if you get all your escape tactics from the Beano.

He who smelt it dealt it.

EPISODE SIX

The Ice Warriors fire on the base, but show restraint, offering Clent the opportunity to surrender. Clent, of course, is defiant, but not stupid. Not in this circumstance, anyway. He offers to speak with Varga, promising no traps or conditions.

Unaware that the Doctor and Victoria are on the cusp of escaping, Varga agrees, taking his remaining warriors with him.

Clent’s command begins to slip, however, as I’m not the only one frustrated with his lack of direct action and insistence on obeying the computer. One of the scientists even tries to destroy it, though it doesn’t go well for him. Not about to give up, he tries to attack the Ice Warriors when they arrive, resulting in a swift death. Alas, poor guy-whose-name-I-didn’t-pay-attention-to.

Varga demands the base’s mercury isotopes. One problem. The base doesn’t have mercury isotopes. Varga decides to power down the reactor (and with it, the Ioniser) and take a look for himself.  Clent continues to impotently protest, but given that he’s about as much use to Varga as a chocolate teapot, it’s only Varga’s mercy keeping him alive right now. He’d better stop testing him.

As for the Doctor, he’s doing mischief as usual, tampering with the Warriors’ sonic cannon to make it resonate with water more. He assumes (and I’d love to know what made him come to this conclusion) that the Ice Warriors have a higher water content in their bodies. He reckons that it should knock the Warriors out and give the humans a nasty headache.

Or it might kill them.

Penley has his own idea for dealing with the Ice Warriors, turning up the heating to the point that it becomes very uncomfortable for them, and the Doctor risks using the cannon. The Ice Warriors certainly don’t enjoy that. Oddly enough, they remain conscious, while the humans are knocked out.

And yet the aliens still retreat, with the humans entirely at their mercy.

Am I just tired, or does this not make sense?

The Doctor and Victoria hurry back to the base, finding the inhabitants unconscious but otherwise unharmed by the look of it. Meanwhile, Varga and his crew return to their ship.

The scientists start powering the ioniser back up again, but Clent is fearful of using it on what he now knows (thanks to the Doctor) is the alien ship’s ion reactor.

The computer of course tells him not to do it. It’s time for a human to make a decision around here—but Clent isn’t up to the task, nor is his second-in-command, who is even more fanatically devoted to the computer than he is.

If you listen closely, you can hear the writer screaming at you that overreliance on technology is bad.

You might have noticed I haven’t mentioned Victoria in a while. That’s because she simply disappears from the plot after she and the Doctor leave the ship.

With Clent going to pieces, Penley takes over, coolly directing the scientists to increase the Ioniser to full strength. When questioned about the possibility of the Ice Warriors breaking free of the ice, he simply replies that at full power, the Ioniser can melt rock.

Not realising that their number is up, the Ice Warriors frantically try to find a little bit of power for their ship to take off. It looks like they might manage it as their control panels start to light up…and then to their horror they realise that it’s not power that’s making them do that. It’s heat.

A small explosion spares them a terribly drawn-out death by roasting, which would be rather dark for teatime television.

With the scientists very relieved to find that Penley’s risk paid off and that they’re not dead, Clent admits a grudging respect for him. It looks like they might reconcile their differences after all.

Not that the Doctor will be around to see it. In typical fashion, he and Jamie (now back on his own two feet) slink off to the TARDIS while everyone else is distracted, off to the next adventure.

Final Thoughts

So, that was The Ice Warriors! Is it just another ‘base-under-siege’ plot or is it something more? Hmm… yes and no. It certainly has ambitions to be something more.

I’ll start with the Ice Warriors themselves.

They were fine, but there’s nothing about them that I can extrapolate into a philosophical ramble. They’re just quite standard and not especially interesting. As I said, the humans in this are a lot more interesting, particularly Penley and Clent—especially when you put them in a room together. The actors have great chemistry, and I have no doubt the characters have a long and storied past.

As I said, they are just like a divorced couple.

Now, onto something a bit meatier.

It’s ever so subtle, but there’s a recurring theme of overreliance on computers for decision-making being a bad thing. Subtle… as a sonic cannon to the face.

“We trust the computer. It is our strength and our guide.”

You might forget they’re talking about a machine and not a deity.

Technological reliance and religious fanaticism, in this future, seem one and the same. That’s a pretty interesting notion, and I see where the writer is coming from. There’s a definite decline in mainstream religion these days, but that’s not to say that people are turning away from belief itself– quite the opposite, really. They’re just turning to other avenues in their search for an elusive higher power. Who’s to say that one day we won’t make our own?

Ultimately, it’s a Humanist fable. Nothing magically changed to enable the resolution of the plot. The dilemma presented didn’t suddenly offer a simple solution. The humans survived through faith in themselves—not in a Deus Ex Machina.

3.75 stars out of 5.