By Jessica Holmes

This month, we’ve got a bit of a surprise in Doctor Who: comedy. Yes, comedy. Do not adjust your television set. We’ve got Dennis Spooner back in the writer’s chair, and it seems that Mr. Spooner is having a little experiment with the format. Does it work, or like the reign of so many emperors, does it fall apart and die an undignified death? Let’s find out.

THE SLAVE TRADERS

So, remember how last time, the TARDIS fell off a cliff? Forget about it.

A month has passed since the TARDIS crashed, and the Doctor and crew are lounging about in a luxurious villa, sipping wine, eating grapes, and generally doing as the Romans do. Confused yet?

As I mentioned above, something you’ll notice quickly about this serial is the tone. In a bit of a first for the series, which does have its funny moments, The Romans is best described as a farcical comedy.

In the village near the villa, a couple of men with dreadful hairdos are browsing the market. They’re in need of new slaves to trade, and they take quite a liking to Barbara and Vicki, who, like true tourists, are proving to be absolutely useless at haggling. Where did they get the money? Is there a bureau de change somewhere deep inside the TARDIS? How many sesterces do you get to the Pound?

Slavers aren’t all that are up to no good in this little Roman town, however. An old lyre-player, minding his own business, is walking along the road outside town when a rough-looking man drags him into the bushes and murders him, for no immediately apparent reason.

Meanwhile, we interrupt The Romans to bring you Cooking With Barbara. Because one can only presume the men have never touched an oven in their lives, Barbara’s just fixed them up a lovely Roman meal of peacock breasts, quail’s tongues and pomegranates. She must be good, because I swear the Doctor is on the cusp of bursting into song. He’s a little less enthused when Barbara reveals that they had ants' eggs for starters.

Well, it’s certainly authentic. I know they say ‘when in Rome, do as the Romans do’, but I think I’ll stick with pasta if it’s all the same.

Following the meal, the Doctor announces to the surprise of his companions, that he’s taking a trip away for a few days, leading to this gem of an exchange:

IAN: You never told us you were going away.
DOCTOR: Oh? Well, I don't know that I was under any obligation to report my movements to you, Chesterfield.
BARBARA: ChesterTON.
DOCTOR: Oh, Barbara's calling you.

It turns out that our leads, though normally made to act in a serious manner, have a knack for comedy.

Bored of just lazing about the villa, the Doctor’s going to Rome. Eager for a change of pace, Vicki begs to come with him, to which he happily agrees. I’m starting to think he’s seeing her as a Susan replacement.

Now Ian and Barbara have some alone time, and Barbara wastes no time in checking Ian out, and she likes what she sees. By which I mean she thinks he makes a very fine Roman, once she’s finished restyling his hair. Nothing else going on here. Nope. No-siree.

Leaving aside the light comedy, the two Roman slavers are heading up to the villa to catch some Britons. Talk about mood whiplash!

Barbara and Ian don’t stand a chance. There’s no telly in the villa (nor a fridge… though Ian does forget that little fact, much to Barbara’s amusement), so there’s not much more to do than lie around drinking wine and teasing each other.

Fortunately, Ian isn’t quite so far gone that he can’t put up a fight against the home invaders. Barbara, on the other hand….

Bless her. She tries to help, she really does. She grabs a heavy pot as the men begin to tussle, and whacks it as hard as she can against the nearest man’s head.

Unfortunately, that head happens to belong to Ian. Oops.

On the road, the Doctor and Vicki come upon the murdered musician. As the Doctor picks up his lyre to examine it, a Roman centurion comes along, mistaking him for a famous musician, his arrival in Rome eagerly anticipated by Caesar Nero himself. Not one to pass up an opportunity to get into trouble, the Doctor goes along with it, and assumes the identity of Maximus… something or other. He can’t remember it, so why should I?

Barbara and Ian end up captives of the slavers and separated, as Ian is sold off to be a galley slave while Barbara is hauled off to be sold at auction in Rome.

Later, as the Doctor and Vicki rest for the night, the centurion accosts the man he hired to kill the old lyre player, as the job doesn’t seem to be quite done, and Nero pays very well to kill lyre players better than he.

That sounds like a very Nero thing to do.

So, with his life on the line, the assassin goes upstairs to finish the job.

Well this is… different. I don’t quite know what it is about it, but something about The Romans isn't working for me. The setup is a bit awkward and clunky, and the choice to give the episode a comedic tone is odd and confusing. It’d be one thing if it was dark comedy, but it’s not. It’s like watching a Carry On film on a broken television set that switches over to a serious historical drama every few minutes (the feeling made all the worse by Mr. Hartnell’s having been in both shows!) The episode is funny enough, but the tonal clashing kept me from really engaging with the episode.

ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME

With the arrival of the assassin, the Doctor has no choice but to defend himself with his lyre and an amphora of something which I sincerely hope is just water.

He seems to be quite enjoying himself, but just as the Doctor has the upper hand, Vicki walks in on them, sending the assassin fleeing out the window. The Doctor even remarks that just outsmarting his enemies has made him forget the joys of fisticuffs.

While it’s funny and all to see the Doctor win a fight, I’m not sure his remarks on brawling being fun are sending a good message to the kids watching. I know, I’m no fun.

Still, at least his boasts of his fighting prowess make Vicki laugh. I’m growing to enjoy their dynamic. They’re getting along like a house on fire.

Vicki remarks that the centurion has vanished, and the Doctor surmises that it was he who hired the assassin in the first place, to avoid dirtying his own blade, as was common among the Romans.

Barbara arrives in Rome, a little worse for wear but still in one piece, and wonders whether she’ll see Ian again. A wealthy-looking Roman, Tavius, watches Barbara as she attempts to coax her cellmate to eat something, even though there isn’t really enough food for the both of them. He says he wants to help her, but she has to trust him. On a first impression, I certainly wouldn’t.

Tavius attempts to buy her directly from the slave trader, but the slaver refuses. Barbara’s going to the auction. Her cellmate, however, is not. She’s far too weak; nobody would buy her. Instead, she’s going on a trip to the circus. How nice, you might think, but this is the Roman circus we’re talking about. Less of the acrobats and clowns, more of the people slaughtering animals, being slaughtered by animals, slaughtering each other, the occasional mock sea-battle (no, really), and generally creating a bloodbath for the amusement of the masses.

Pinnacle of civilisation, my backside.

Some stock footage later, Ian’s ship is caught in a storm, and Ian takes advantage of the roiling seas to pounce upon the guard and steal his keys.

Back in the eternal city, Vicki and the Doctor arrive just in time for the start of the slave auction, but before they can spot Barbara and get her to safety, the Doctor whisks Vicki away, obviously wishing to shield her from the more unsavoury aspects of Roman life. What's the point of holidaying in history if you're just going to pretend the nasty bits don't exist?

The Roman men are very eager to get their hands on Barbara (watching them treat her like a piece of meat is rather disgusting), but Tavian massively outbids them all.

At the seaside, Ian’s just washed up ashore. The storm smashed the ship to bits, but a fellow slave, Delos, managed to save the pair of them and get Ian to shore. Ian decides to head for Rome to find Barbara, and Delos agrees to come with him.

Back in Rome, Tavian manages to make a compliment on Barbara’s kind nature sound creepy, explaining it as the reason he bought her to be a servant to the Empress Poppaea, Nero’s wife, but his tone suggests an ulterior motive.

The Doctor finally arrives at the palace, though by a stroke of misfortune doesn’t find out that Barbara is also here. Tavian greets him with a cryptic remark about someone waiting for him in another room.

At last, the moment we’ve all been waiting for (or at least, been mildly curious about): the arrival of the Roman emperor. Enter Imperator Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. I think we’ll just stick with Nero.

Ian and Delos arrive in Rome, looking rather the worse for wear. They’d better hit up the baths before attempting any rescue. They get about two steps before being accosted by guards. As runaway slaves, they’re bound for the arena. Perhaps the lions will be put off by the smell?

Curious about Tavian’s earlier remark, the Doctor investigates the palace and comes upon the murdered body of the centurion from earlier. It looks like he might have got more than he bargained for in this little ruse of his!

Things are getting interesting, and I didn’t get as much whiplash from pivoting between comedy and drama. Let’s push onwards.

CONSPIRACY

Back at the palace, Vicki and the Doctor have just spent the night, when Tavian beckons him and tells him he’s taken care of the body, and that the Doctor might want to wait before enacting the next bit of the plan. A little confused, the Doctor tries prodding to find out what that plan actually is, but Tavian says it’s better that he himself doesn’t know, and so doesn’t give him any details.

That’s helpful.

Tavian presents Barbara to the Emperor and Empress, and Nero’s eyes nearly pop out of his head when he sees his wife’s lovely new servant.

Poppaea, however, is less than pleased, warning Barbara to keep any aspirations of becoming Empress in check. Somehow, I don’t think Nero is Barbara’s type.

It’s not as if that matters to Nero, however. He corners Barbara alone in the palace, and begins to chase her around as if he were a schoolboy — except at my school, a boy chasing a girl around like that would find himself in detention.

The following sequence is not as funny as it wants to be, because I know enough about Nero to know that nothing good would come of him catching Barbara, and no amount of hijinks, near-misses and slapstick is going to make me forget that.

The Doctor might not agree with me, as his reaction to seeing the Emperor chasing a screaming woman around the palace is to laugh.

Really, Doctor? I bet you wouldn’t find it so funny if you knew it was Barbara.

Vicki meets the palace poisoner, a surprisingly personable woman for someone who makes murder weapons. There are so many people in the palace going around murdering each other that it’s practically a Roman tradition at this point. True. Nero had his own mother murdered. His first wife, too.

Speaking of Nero, he’s still stalking Barbara, begging her for a teeny weeny kiss. As if that’s all he wants! I know it’s technically ‘wrong’ and ‘interfering with history’, but I wouldn’t blame Barbara if she decided to respond to his demand for a teeny weeny kiss with a teeny weeny stab wound. Poppaea turns up just as Nero pulls Barbara onto the bed, but thankfully intervenes and sends Barbara away before things get any more disturbing.

The Doctor tries to find out from Nero if he knows anything about conspiracy in the palace. Nero doesn’t know a thing (big shocker), but he does tell the Doctor that he’s to perform at a banquet that evening.

Meanwhile, Vicki listens in as the poisoner supplies Poppaea with some poisoned goblets, one of which she is to give to Nero’s new slave, and put an end to any aspirations of usurping her. Uh-oh.

At the banquet, Vicki and the Doctor reunite, and meanwhile Nero surprises Barbara with a little gift: a golden bangle. She’s not one bit impressed, but she manages to smoothly recover and propose a toast to Nero, downing her goblet.

It’s at this moment when Vicki remembers to mention her visit with the poisoner, and casually remarks that she thinks she might have poisoned Nero, having switched the goblets around. She didn’t think it was very fair to poison the slave girl. I have decided I like Vicki.

The Doctor manages to stop him drinking it just in time, as Barbara conveniently leaves the banquet. The near-misses are just getting a bit annoying, now. The Romans would be over in five minutes if it weren't for all the coincidences keeping the group apart.

Nero hands off the poisoned cup to his manservant who has been annoying him all episode by just trying to do his job. Doctor, I know that you have to respect causality and all that, but couldn’t we just let Nero have a little bit of poison? Not enough to change history, just to make him regret that indoor plumbing hasn’t been invented yet.

Her plan foiled, Poppaea has the poisoner dragged off to the arena. What a charming lady.

The feasting commences, and something happens that irks me terribly: everybody is sitting bolt upright, rather than lounging on couches as any respectable Roman would.

It’s just an odd oversight for a serial that has been eager to show the details of Roman life, even down to mentioning real Roman food.

To avoid embarrassment, the Doctor thinks up a cunning ruse: he tells the Emperor that his music is so subtle only the truly gifted can hear it and appreciate it. When he then proceeds to mime playing the lyre, Nero acts as if enraptured by his skill, and the others, not wishing to end up on the Caesar’s bad side, play along. Yes, it’s The Emperor’s New Clothes. Who do you think gave Hans Christian Andersen the idea?

However, once Nero leaves, the guests burst out in laughter. Too vain and too much of a buffoon to understand the joke, Nero spitefully laments he’s been made a fool of, as the Doctor got a great big round of applause for his performance. How dare he upstage Nero! He plans to take revenge, and bids Barbara to come with him to the arena. While there, he fancies seeing a fight. Give you three guesses who’s getting tossed into the ring.

A bloodbath isn’t all Nero came here for, however: he has a special plan for the Doctor. He arranges to have him come to play at the arena… and then the lions will be released.

Ian and Delos emerge to a rather small fighting pit. It doesn’t look like there’s room to swing a cat, let alone have a fight. Ian and Barbara are shocked to see each other, but there’s no time for a reunion right now.

Ian quickly gets the upper hand (big surprise), but when he has Delos disarmed and at his mercy, he doesn’t go in for the kill, to the displeasure of Nero. Delos manages to turn the tables on him, and soon has Ian on his knees, his blade to his throat. A moment of tense anticipation follows, everyone looking at Nero to see what his verdict will be. Disgusted with Ian’s act of mercy, Nero sticks his thumb down and orders Delos to cut off his head.

INFERNO

Delos has Ian utterly at his mercy. He looks at Ian, raises his sword…and then lunges at the Caesar.

True to form, Nero uses Barbara as a human shield as the guards descend upon Ian and Delos. In the kerfuffle, Ian tries to whisk Barbara away, but with Nero keeping a tight grip on her, and having only seconds to make an escape, he has no choice but to flee with Delos, promising to come back for her.

At the palace, Poppaea is awaiting Tavius, and orders that he get rid of Barbara, or she’ll try again to kill her — and him, too. Tavius warns Barbara of Poppaea’s murderous intentions, and she tells him that Nero is planning to use her to trap Ian, and that he’s going to feed the musician to the lions. Tavian promises to think of something, and warn the musician for her.

Elsewhere, the Doctor and Vicki are examining Nero’s plans for rebuilding Rome. The Doctor gathers that they’re in AD 64. July, to be precise. It looks like things are about to start hotting up.

Tavius warns the Doctor that he’s to play in the arena tomorrow, and that today is his last chance to kill Nero. Well, that explains a lot, doesn’t it? The murders, Tavius’ suspicious helpfulness. After all, secret murder is a Roman pasttime.

Nero arrives to give the Doctor the good news about his upcoming performance, but is a bit put out when the Doctor 'guesses' that he’s to perform at the arena. Just to rub it in, he launches into a string of lion-related puns that would even make my Dad wince.

However, he should be paying less attention to wordplay and more attention to what he’s doing, as while he talks, he holds his glasses behind his back, and the sun is shining bright outside. I think you can guess where this is going. Without him realising, the papers behind him begin to smoulder and soon catch alight.

So, it looks like the Doctor is doomed. You’d think so. However, this is Nero we’re talking about. The burning plans give him the bright idea to raze the Roman capital to the ground and rebuild from the ashes. The Doctor is a genius!

The mind boggles that nobody has killed Nero yet for sheer ineptitude.

Later that night, the guards are preparing for the ambush, but Ian and Delos are clever, sneaking in with a bunch of men who have been brought before the Emperor for a very special task: to light the city on fire.

Tavian finds Ian among the group, and reunites him with Barbara. At the same time, Vicki and the Doctor have wisely decided to quietly make their exit from the palace.

Ian, Delos and Barbara safely escape the palace as the arsonists head off to torch Rome, and Tavian watches them go, sincerely wishing Barbara good luck. In his hand, he clutches a cross. This one shot turns my understanding of Tavian on its head, and makes him a much more interesting character. An early Christian in the Roman court. It’s a much more interesting drive for his actions than mere political ambition. Nero was an incredibly cruel man, after all. Christianity doesn’t look too kindly upon murder, but Tavian is only human. If you saw someone with great power abuse it day in, day out, wouldn't you try to do something about it?

The revelation does raise its own questions, however. Does Tavian really do the things he does for the greater good, in service to his fellow man, or is he just another schemer with his faith incidental? A good person who does bad things, or a bad person who sometimes chooses to do good?

It could be either way, but my gut leans towards the former.

As a pedantic aside, the cross is an anachronism. This early in the history of Christianity, Christians would use the icthys (the Jesus fish) as their secret symbol rather than the cross. Of course, the icthys is less readily recognisable.

Outside the city, the Doctor and Vicki spot the fire going up, and are a bit more impressed than at all bothered. Never mind all the people about to die a horrible death — both from the fire, and the Christians that Nero will scapegoat and persecute for the blaze. Vicky scolds the Doctor for nagging her about tampering with history earlier in the serial, now that he’s gone and given Nero the idea for the Great Fire of Rome.

He insists it wasn’t his fault and that it would have happened anyway, but is a little too amused by the idea that he caused this. Perhaps he is not so unlike Nero, who laughs as the city burns, strumming his lyre all the while. Sources differ on what Nero’s true actions were on the night of the fire, and whether he ordered it to be set at all, but we’re here to watch a fun romp through time, not to get embroiled in an academic debate on which Roman historians we believe.

Back at the villa, Ian and Barbara arrive to find a lot of cleaning up to do. Specifically, cleaning up the shards of a certain broken vase. This whole scene is quite funny, and I like how Barbara and Ian have settled in to a more familiar dynamic, much more playful and less restrained than they have been in the past. I would even go so far as to say it borders on flirtatious.

As Ian complains it’s not his fault he got hit with the vase, Barbara insists that it is because she only picked it up to help and he went and got his head in the way. Realising that Barbara knocked him out, he figures that she should clean it up and settles down to watch her, the picture of smugness.

By the time the Doctor and Vicki make it back, the villa is back to normal, and Ian and Barbara are cleaned up in their fancy Roman clothes again, lounging around as if they hadn’t moved since the Doctor left for Rome.

Off the crew go again, to places unknown, much to the disbelief of Vicki, who refuses to believe that the Doctor doesn’t know what he’s doing. Oh, Vicki. You have absolutely no idea.

The women head off to change, while the Doctor studies the controls. Noticing something seems to be bothering him, Ian asks what’s up. The Doctor responds that they materialised for a split second, and something’s caught them, is now slowly dragging them down….but towards what?

Final Thoughts

I don’t quite know what to make of The Romans. It’s a little too farcical for me to judge it on its merits as a pure historical, but is a bit too serious for me to really assess it as a comedy. It’s in a sort of in-between state of two genres meshed together in an inelegant fashion. The comedy here doesn’t work with the subject at hand. I get the sense that the jokes are there despite the topic rather than being based on Roman life and history.

I feel a bit out of my depth here, as critiquing comedy is pretty far outside my usual remit, and much more subjective than any other genre. Many probably like The Romans' use of comedy. I just don’t know how to feel about it. I think that the jokes were (mostly) funny, yes. And I’d love to see more humour woven into the fabric of Doctor Who. However, I think I’d like to see it better implemented in future, complementing the story rather than interrupting it. Perhaps something of a more satirical nature would gel better with the usual tone of the show.

Just a little something to ponder until next time.

3.5 out of 5 stars

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