by Victoria Silverwolf
Big Screen, Small Screen, and Somewhere Between
Not all movies show up in theaters. Movies made for television began a few years ago, at least here in the USA, with a thriller called See How They Run. There have been quite a few since then.
A similar phenomenon is the fact that theatrical movies are frequently altered for television. Of course, films are often cut for broadcast, either to reduce the running time or to remove material deemed inappropriate for the tender sensibilities of American viewers.
But did you know that new footage is sometimes added to movies before they show up on TV? That's because they're too short to fill up the time slot allotted to them.
An example is Roger Corman's cheap little monster movie The Wasp Woman. In theaters, it ran just over an hour. On television, new scenes increased the length by about ten minutes.
Wasting time in front of the TV screen recently, I came across such an elongated theatrical film, as well as one made for television only. Let's take a look at both.
This thing began life in 1963 under the a much less laughable title.
Anybody who went to see this movie pushed the panic button.
The Madmen of Mandoras (somehow they lost the word The on the poster) was a low budget flick that lasted about an hour (although it probably seemed a lot longer than that if you were stuck watching it.)
Dramatic lettering, dramatic clouds.
New stuff was added to the beginning of the film to make it long enough to show up on TV. Unlike The Wasp Woman, they gave it a new title.
Apparently, the American television audience needs everything spelled out for them.
That gives away the movie's only plot twist, but at least it's truth in advertising.
Let's get the new stuff out of the way. We begin with a scientist carrying some important papers out of a lab.
Secure scientific facility or local high school?
The guy is almost immediately killed when his car blows up.
Exploding car number one.
The fellow was carrying the formula for an antidote to a deadly gas. Somebody doesn't want that information to get out.
Big news!
This event draws the attention of some kind of intelligence agency. The boss (who turns out to be working with the bad guys, although that doesn't really have much to do with the plot) assigns a couple of operatives to investigate the incident.
Secret agents or college students?
The man's long hair and mustache and the woman's short skirt provide evidence that we're not in 1963. Don't get too attached to these characters, because pretty soon the woman is shot dead and the man is killed another way.
Exploding car number two.
At this point, we go back to the original movie. After demonstrating the deadly power of the gas by showing a film of an elephant lying down, the scientist who knows the antidote for the stuff and his young beatnik daughter are kidnapped.
It's quite obviously just taking a nap.
Our nominal hero is the husband of the scientist's older daughter. Some guy reveals enough information to the married couple to send them off to the fictional Latin American nation of Mandoras (you know, the place where they have madmen) before getting shot dead. The protagonists deal with the problem of his corpse by stuffing it in a phone booth.
"When in Mandoras, stay at the luxurious Mandoras Hotel."
Another guy shows up and provides exposition. It seems that a team of Nazi doctors worked to preserve the Führer for future use at the end of the war. (In other words, They Saved Hitler's Brain.)
"We must save Charlie Chaplin's life!"
The two lovebirds act like ordinary tourists despite this remarkable bit of information. They happen to run across the younger daughter in a local nightclub. The kidnappers gave her some money and told her to have a good time, as long as she didn't contact anybody at home. She seems perfectly fine with this arrangement, despite the fact that her father is still in the hands of the bad guys.
Little sister doing the Twist, proof that we're in 1963.
Since we're in a nightclub, we have to kill time with a dance act. After all, we have a whole hour of movie to fill.
A little something for the leg men in the audience.
Somehow or other our heroes wind up in the secret headquarters of the Madmen of Mandoras. Dad is being tortured with bright lights and loud noises in an attempt to get him to reveal the secret of the antidote. Like a lot of other things in the film, this doesn't make much sense, since the bad guys just want to stop the antidote from being used.
"Let me out of this movie! I can't stand it any more!"
Then we get our big shock scene, which might have been surprising if the title didn't give it away.
As an example of the film's close attention to detail, note that the swastika is backwards.
Obviously the bad guys are familiar with The Brain That Wouldn't Die.
A jarring scene (sorry.)
Adolph isn't very expressive throughout the movie, but once in a while he shows some emotion.
"I am amused by your consternation."
After a lot of running around, the bad guys are defeated.
Car explosion number three.
So much for the Fourth Reich.
Adolph turns into a wax dummy when he burns up.
A dreary little spy movie, notable only for its silly premise.
One star.
Director Larry Buchanan made some very cheap films during the past few years. Starting last year, he's been responsible for extremely low budget color remakes — uncredited, of course — of old black-and-white science fiction and horror films. These are intended to be sold directly to television. Zontar, the Thing From Venus, for example, is obviously based on Roger Corman's 1956 flick It Conquered the World.
His latest effort in this vein is, in my opinion, very loosely inspired by the beach movie Pajama Party (which doesn't actually take place on the beach, but you know what I mean.)
Don't believe me? I don't blame you, but I'll provide some evidence in a bit. Let's get started.
Even the titles are cheap.
We start with a few scenes of women suddenly disappearing, whether they're playing tennis, at a restaurant, or taking a shower. Don't pay any attention to this, as it never comes up again.
The plot really starts at a government facility.
Does NASA really need a lot of decoding?
They get a message from outer space that says — you guessed it — Mars Need Women. Thanks for reminding me what movie I'm watching!
A Martian appears from nowhere, without even the shimmering effect seen on Star Trek. His name is Dop, and he's played by Tommy Kirk, star of some Disney movies. He also played a Martian named Go Go in — a-ha! — Pajama Party. Coincidence? I think not.
"Make fun of my name and I'll disintegrate you."
Dop explains that some kind of problem with the Martian Y chromosome has resulted in men outnumbering women by one hundred to one. (That's a lot worse than Five to Twelve.)
The Martians would like to have five Earth women volunteer to journey to the red planet to solve the problem. (I'm not a geneticist or a mathematician, but that seems like an awfully small number to repopulate a whole planet.)
No dice, so we get some scenes of military types communicating on the radio.
This speaker gets so much screen time it's practically a guest star.
There's also a bunch of stock footage of planes flying around.
"I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth . . ."
This accomplishes nothing. The Martians decide to land on Earth and grab five women themselves. (Like I said, forget about their ability to just make women vanish.)
The Martian spaceship, not to be confused with the Enterprise.
Five Martians hide out in an abandoned ice factory and make plans.
"We will conquer these puny Earthlings with the advanced technology of flashlights and headphones."
First they have to disguise themselves as Earthlings. This requires some criminal activity. A gas station supplies cash and a map of the city. (I would have thought the Martians would be advanced enough to find their way around, but I guess not.)
"I sure hope this place has a men's room."
Next is borrowing a car. So much for using their power of teleportation for getting from point A to point B.
"Oh, cool, it's got AM/FM radio."
Then they need some clothes. This leads to a scene in which they reveal that Martians gave up wearing ties fifty years ago.
"Would this be too dressy for a kidnapping?"
Dop and one of his buddies spot an announcement for a lecture by a brilliant scientist. We're told that her book Space Genetics won a Pulitzer Prize.
A lecture on sex in space? Must be a science fiction convention.
Doctor Marjorie Bolen is played by Yvonne Craig, best known for playing Batgirl on the popular Batman TV show. So the audience can tell she's a genius, she sometimes wears spectacles.
"Why Doctor Bolen, you're beautiful without your glasses!"
Pretty soon Dop and Bolen (sounds like a law firm) are on a date at a local planetarium. Guess what's on display.
Irony!
Meanwhile, the other Martians stalk their intended targets. The first is an exotic dancer.
A guy far away from home? Of course he goes to a strip club!
Next is an airline stewardess.
"Coffee, tea, or me?" (Yeah, I stole that from the title of a recent book. Sue me.)
Third is a homecoming queen.
"Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Will We Repopulate?"
Last is a painter. That doesn't quite fit with the other three, who are typical male fantasies of desirable women, but I guess they needed some variety.
"I call this one Portrait of the Artist as an Impending Victim of Abduction."
Naturally, the disappearances are big news.
"Oh, look what's showing on TV tonight."
The authorities seem powerless to stop them.
"Martians, Shmartians, let's see what Little Orphan Annie is up to."
Suffice to say that romance blooms between Dop and Bolen, even though we're told Martians gave up love long before they gave up ties. The kidnapped women are rescued and the Martians go home, apparently to face the extinction of their species.
"Let's see, Mrs. Marjorie Dop. Nah, it would never work."
A very silly film indeed.
One star.
Surely there's something better on television than these two losers.
Maybe not.
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I don't like books or movies where a man's brain is put into another body or into a machine or a preservative. In fact, I don't like any movie that is gory. Also I don't like villains of the past being spotlighted and being denounced as representations of evil. These are not elevating concepts for an audience of any age.
They apparently saved Hitler's mustache too. Considerate.