by Erica Frank

I'm back to review more issues of Playboy, and I'm still not looking at the pictures. Well. I have looked, in passing. But I am honestly not reading the magazine for the pictures, because as pleasant as some of them are, they get monotonous. They are all very pretty young women, but there is a sameness to them; they are all young, all slender, all devoid of anything that would make them stand out in a crowd, were they wearing clothing suitable for office work or shopping. So I am not here for the unclad ladies, who always have faintly mysterious smiles but look like they've been told to look sexy rather than happy.

Playboy's March 1969 cover–the only one in this set where the woman looks like she's having fun.

I am here because it's widely known in the science fiction industry that Playboy has much higher rates than any of the officially-science-fiction magazines, and that means they sometimes publish gems that bypass the other magazines. However, to find those gems, I have to wade through a lot of stories that are maybe science fiction, perhaps, if you squint, and some that are apparently what the mainstream public thinks science fiction should be.

Incident in the Streets of the City by Robert Coover (January)
A man is hit by a truck and lies in the street, dying, while the people around him talk. I kept waiting for the plot to kick in. And then, since I was told this might be in the "SF" category, I kept looking for those elements. That might be "he doesn't immediately die, despite taking some very fatal-seeming injuries."

The discussions around him are compelling, but nothing happens here. There's a tragedy and everyone seems to be ignoring it. That may be the point of the story. It was engaging without being interesting, a fascinating blend I'd like to avoid in the future. Two stars.

The Schematic Man by Frederik Pohl (January)
Half of this two-page story is explaining what a computer does; the rest is a man attempting to create a complete and accurate mathematical model of himself. And while computer capacity has indeed gotten large, I have my doubts that even the most advanced super-computer could hold the full details of an adult human's memories, beliefs, and thought processes, along with all the biological data about him.

Our protagonist, Bederkind, discovers his own memories and skills are fading as he places more data about himself into the computer, until he is not certain if "he" is the original man or a model in a computer's storage banks. Two stars–the writing is deft enough, but I found myself quite indifferent to Bederkind's fate.

Whispers in Bedlam by Irwin Shaw (February)

This novella stars Hugo, a football player, who starts to go deaf in one ear. This is a problem that can lose him his job, so he goes to see a specialist surgeon. Soon he can hear the other linebacker just fine. And then he can hear the opposing team's quarterback in the huddle. And then he starts to be able to understand their code. And then he starts to be able to hear thoughts, both on the field and off.

He has the best season of his career – goes from a moderately talented but not-bright player, to the best guy on the team: He intercepts passes; he is never fooled by a fake handoff; he knows which direction the quarterback will break. He gets involved with gambling–he knows what cards the other guys have–and picks up a couple of girlfriends on the side, since he can hear which women are interested.

Then it turns a bit dark: the team owner notices he's staying out late and running with a bad crowd, which will bring bad publicity to the team if the papers get word of it. His plane has a delayed landing, and he's the only passenger who knows the crew thought they were going to crash. His girlfriend tells him she has a headache and can't see him tonight–and as he's leaving, he hears her laughing brightly to someone else. He attends church and hears the utter hypocrisy of the preacher. Hugo's amazing new gift is turning into a curse, and it's making him miserable.

The resolution was somewhat predictable but nicely done. Three stars.

Next—the Planets by Arthur C. Clarke (March)
This article is about the impending certainty of exploration of the other planets in our solar system. It begins with a discussion of the costs: "the energy cost of transferring a man from the surface of the Earth to that of Mars is less than $20." (He admits the machinery is notably more expensive.) Clarke points out that Jupiter, not Earth, is the obvious place to look for life and variety in our solar system.

This is hopeful and enthusiastic; it assumes space travel will roughly follow the trajectory of airplanes: First, the public claims that it's impossible, followed by test cases and grudging admittance that it could be done (but isn't worth the cost and effort), followed by a rush of technological advancement and commercial activity as everyone insists they were always in favor of it.

Clarke seems to miss a key point in his analogies, though. We knew air travel was possible: Birds do it all the time. We knew it was possible to fly across the ocean, possible to use wings to travel from one city to another distant city. We didn't know it was possible for humans using machinery, but we knew it could be done.

The article ends with, "The Earth is, indeed, our cradle, which we are about to leave. And the Solar System will be our kindergarten."  But there are no birds traveling from here to Mars. Waving past the technological difficulties means assuming an awful lot of facts not in evidence.

The overview of details about the Solar System, plus a warning against assuming our current information is entirely accurate, are well done. The blithe assumption that we'll soon be setting up scientific bases on Mars or even Jupiter are pure hype, but still an enjoyable read. Three stars.

A Man's Home Is His Castle by Ron Goulart (March)
This story is set in the near future of 1973. A man inherits a magical, computerized, sentient house from his uncle. His girlfriend does not like the house, which does things like "turn her into a statue to keep her from leaving." He is, we are supposed to gather, extremely in love with her. You can tell by the way he describes her.

She was tall, with a smooth tan and long gentle blonde hair. Her breasts had an upright, angry look under the blue chambray of her shirt.

I have no idea what angry-looking breasts are supposed to look like, especially under a chambray shirt, which should hide most of the appearance of breasts other than their general size.

I do love the artwork that accompanies some of the stories, even when it doesn't seem to connect well to the story itself. Maybe especially then. I tried to figure out who the artist is, but all we have is that little stylized "ap" in the bottom corner.

He complains to the house: "You're supposed to be a triumph of science and sorcery and you can't even keep the girl I love from running off to join an electronic musicians' group."

The house keeps suggesting bribing her instead of casting spells to change her personality, but he declines. Eventually, while he is out of town at a meeting, the girlfriend and house negotiate their relationship.

I wanted to give this four stars–it's a pleasant read, with an interesting conclusion. But the characters are flat and the sorcery is almost boring, and there are also the "angry breasts" to consider. Three stars.

Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?
This is a picture-heavy behind-the-scenes look at an upcoming movie. The title is an obvious reference to Hieronymous Bosch, the 15th century surrealist painter.

While Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights gets more attention, there are also some pretty strange things going on in The Haywain, as you can see.

Hieronymous Merkin, the protagonist, divides his attentions between several ladies: Mercy Humppe, Polyester Poontang, and Trampolena Whambang, among others. Director Anthony Newley, who is also the star actor, insists that he "wanted to make a really erotic romantic movie" as opposed to the current trend of movies that are "blatantly sexual without being either sensuous or romantic."

While this scene is intriguing, I gather it may be the closest the movie gets to recognizable science fiction themes.

Pitched as a "zany erotobiography" (I believe that's suppose to be a faux biography of the protagonist, rather than a direct reflection on the star/director/producer's life history), the movie covers Merkin's life from adolescence to present-day. He is haunted by The Presence of Death and a shady character named Good Time Eddie Filth, who appears in a puff of lavender smoke and encourages his lechery.

This is Hieronymus and a woman labeled "a frisky extra." At least they both look like they're having fun.

The movie is scheduled to open next summer; it also features Joan Collins and Milton Berle. I haven't decided if I'm interested in seeing it–it doesn't seem to have nearly as much science fiction content as Barbarella–but I must admit my attention has been piqued. Three stars for this pictorial article.

Death's Door by Robert McNear (March)
I do not care for sports stories, and I do not care for ghost stories, and this is both. A reporter visits a small island off the coast of Wisconsin, where the Big Game is happening for the first time since 1947, when tragedy struck the winning team. I had to push myself to finish it–not because it's poorly written at all, but because it was quite obviously a ghost story about a sports team, so it's about ⅓ spooky ambiance and ⅓ sports fan chatter and the remaining plot is buried in bits and pieces between those.

I'm glad I kept reading. I could tell something was going on, and I was avidly trying to put the pieces together, and I was pleasantly surprised by the ending. It is not a happy ending, but it does nicely wrap up all the loose ends and odd questions raised during his investigations.

Four stars if you enjoy sports or ghosts or both; three if you don't.

Prey by Richard Matheson (April)
The setup for this is too obvious: 33-year-old Amelia is caught between her overbearing mother and her sullen boyfriend. She always spends Friday evenings with her mom–but this Friday is her boyfriend's birthday, and she bought him a present, a "genuine Zuni fetish doll" rumored to contain the spirit of a killer. He's a collector of anthropological artifacts, and this one is unique. It even includes a gold chain meant to keep the spirit trapped inside the doll.

Actual Zuni kachina dolls are icons of beneficent spirits that are treated with respect, not fear; they look nothing like the one described in the story.

Amelia's mother is annoyed that she's thinking of skipping their movie night. Her boyfriend is annoyed that she is letting her mom interfere with their relationship. You can see where this is going: Will she send the killer after her acrimonious mother or her petulant boyfriend?

Turns out the killer is not that easily controlled, and Amelia is soon fighting for her life. But the tale does have a few twists left; I was surprised more than once at how it played out. The story is well-written; the characters are more silhouettes than people, but they are believable silhouettes; the plot contains unexpected twists without innovation. Three stars.

The Chimeras by Arthur Koestler (May)
I'm discovering that the more actually science-fictional the story, the more likely it is to be a dud. A man visits a psychotherapist because he is obsessed with the dangers of chimeras. In an interesting twist, we discover that chimeras are a new mutation spreading through humanity. The patient insists he is the only one to see the dangers clearly; that everyone else is infected with chimerism and has a blind spot about them. The doctor wants to cure his delusion; the patient wants to gain this blind spot so he can be less anxious.

I suppose it's intended to be a surprise that the patient is correct, that a horde of chimeras are rampaging destructively down the street while the doctor insists it is a peaceful Scout's Love Brigade march. It fails to be surprising, and the conclusion is pointless. Two stars.

Downwind from Gettysburg by Ray Bradbury (June)
Playboy has a knack for finding science fiction stories where the fantastic elements have no connection to the core problem or its solution. In this, a scientist-historian who is avidly devoted to President Lincoln creates a robot version of him to honor his memory, and a jealous, pathetic man named Booth shoots the robot. Nobody believes robot-Lincoln is a person, but we are led to understand that the creation was a singular process; repairs may be difficult or impossible.

The bulk of the story is about why Phipps is obsessed with Lincoln and why Booth feels compelled to destroy him (it). The short version: Phipps is a Lincoln fan; Booth is what we might charitably called "a piece of work," the kind of man who cannot see someone else happy without wanting to break whatever brings them joy. 

Both the crisis and its aftermath seemed muted–a momentary turbulence in the characters' lives. A nice enough story, but it did not strike me as memorable. Three stars.

A Life in the Day of by Frank M. Robinson (June)
Jeff is a popular fellow, the life of the party, famous for his photo on the front cover of the Times, facing off against the cops with his STUDENTS FOR FREEDOM sign. Jeff thinks anyone over 25 is a drag and a bore, and he flirts with a probably-17-year-old pretty girl and quotes activist "wisdom" to win her affection.

Gene Szafran's art is certainly colorful. I'd certainly be willing to hang out with a fellow who looks like this–but alas, this is only an artistic rendition of the protagonist.

Jeff is an egotistical ass, rude to anyone he thinks is not cool enough to be in his presence and firmly convinced that he's always going to be the center of attention. He gets stoned and digs the music and tries to ignore Ann, the drunk woman who tells him he won't be able to keep up with the new trends forever.

At two A.M., Jeff hears the door buzzer and he does not want it opened – but someone does, and suddenly… a crowd from outside presses in, and he doesn't know anyone anymore. The party swirls around him and ignores him; he is no longer the exotic hippie in the toga but the weirdly-dressed guy wearing a bedsheet. He looks out the window and the storefronts are all changing signs; he doesn't know the street anymore. He has, as Ann warned him, lost his connection to the younger generation. Two years, she said, and apparently his time is up.

I enjoyed this, possibly because I can enjoy reading about a drunken stoned college party even if the story basically goes nowhere. Jeff is a jerk and it's rather gratifying to see him lose his place as a minor celebrity. However, the fantastic element in this story is easy to excuse as "he was stoned" rather than anything supernatural happening.

Three stars if you like hippies; two if you don't.

Conclusion: Much of a Muchness
Playboy's stories, like Playboy's naked girls, have a certain uniformity that sometimes borders on tedium. They are all well-written, skillfully crafted by people with strong vocabularies and a good command of metaphor and description. And they all serve to validate the viewpoints of moderately-wealthy libertarian white men who think women are properly either ornaments or servants.

The stories are often "an interesting interlude, with an odd twist" – no progression of character, no puzzles to be solved, no change in the people or the world, just a growing awareness of "Oh, I guess this is how things are."

Each story, on its own, is reasonably interesting and well-made. As a set, they grow boring, and they show the biases of the editors who put the issues together.

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