By Jessica Holmes
Hello, everyone! I hope everyone had a nice time over the holiday season, because I had to watch some pretty DULL television. Will this serial ever end?
COUNTER PLOT
To refresh your memories, we last saw the Doctor and Steven at an experimental station on Earth, where they’d come to attempt to warn humanity of the impending Dalek attack with their new ally, Bret Vyon. However, their luck ran out as they failed to find any allies. They were soon caught by the Space Security Service’s top agent, Sara Kingdom, who shot Bret in cold blood. Now the Doctor and Steven flee through the facility, pursued by Kingdom as they try to keep the Taranium core from landing in the Daleks’ clutches.
The pair run into a dead end, and Kingdom corners them in a large chamber. Large reflective dishes line the room, which also contains a weird mouse cage with all sorts of equipment attached to it. Meanwhile, a couple of scientists are about to start an experiment…
The picture distorts, the three’s faces disturbingly twisted in apparent agony… and then they’re gone. Where to? Far, far away.
Well that's absolutely terrifying.
Karlton (that was his name, right? Not ‘Baldylocks’, as I seem to have jotted down in my notes) comes to supervise the scientists as they confirm that the mice made it to their destination in one piece. He reports the good news to Mavic Chen, who is beginning to worry about the prospect of the Daleks turning on him. Karlton has an idea, however. They could always try putting a spin on it. What if they didn’t LOSE their prisoners, per se? Karlton's idea is to claim they did it on purpose. Now the fugitives can be dealt with without drawing the attention of any Earth authorities. Reassured, Chen gives a silly little villain speech. Something something Daleks, blah blah universal domination, extra ham and cheese.
Meanwhile, far, far away…
The Doctor wakes up on the planet Myra looking terribly confused but more or less fine. Not bad, given he was just taken apart atom by atom and then put back together again.
Something invisible and growly paws at an unconscious Kingdom, until Stephen leaps to his feet and wisely confiscates her weapon. The Doctor hears the invisible beast, and we get a glimpse of huge clawed footprints stamping through the sand. The three join up, and the Doctor sternly warns Kingdom that she better hadn’t get up to any funny business. Ever a pragmatist, Kingdom agrees to be on her best behavior.
The Daleks meanwhile are already moving to recapture them. They land on Myra, soon coming upon the mice in their cage.
Apparently Daleks have never seen a mouse before. When they first see the little furry friends their immediate assumption is that they may be hostile. It’s funny… until the Daleks blow the mice to kingdom come.
Meanwhile, the Doctor gets into a fight with a bush, and Stephen gives Kingdom a jolly good telling-off for killing Bret. Kingdom tries the old ‘just following orders’ excuse, which absolutely does not fly with Stephen, as well it shouldn’t. She feebly tries to tell him that the Taranium is for spreading galactic peace, so I guess she’s gullible as well as lacking in moral backbone. Or brainwashed, which might be the most likely case, given her revelation that Bret was her brother. Good grief, Sara. Talk about a sibling rivalry…
The Doctor tells them about the invisible monsters, and has more bad news: they’re surrounded.
Back with Chen, he’s thinking up a contingency plan. The combined forces of the Solar System might be able to destroy Kembel if it came down to it. It wouldn’t be universal domination, but he might be able to wield enough power to take control of the whole Milky Way, which is a start.
On Myra, the Doctor is guiding Stephen on how to take out an eight foot tall invisible monster when a Dalek turns up.
It appears that the Daleks have won.
CORONAS OF THE SUN
I did a double take when the titles for this episode came up, as it appears that Nation’s getting a little break this week, with Dennis Spooner taking his spot in the writer’s chair.
Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Certain doom.
With the Doctor refusing to hand over the Taranium, the Daleks are about to open fire. Conveniently the invisible monsters choose that moment to attack, distracting the Daleks long enough for the fugitives to flee.
It’s an ingenious way to save on budget (no need for costuming or hiring additional actors!) but there's a big problem with having a fight with a bunch of monsters that aren’t actually visible. It's really boring to watch. It looks more like the Daleks getting into a tussle with some innocent bushes.
Back on Kembel, the Dalek commanders are growing impatient at the lack of progress. In a stunning display of leadership, the black Dalek orders another Dalek to order THOSE Daleks to retake the Taranium. Which is what they’re already trying to do. Is telling them again supposed to make them more successful? It’s like being nagged to do the dishes when you’re literally elbow deep in suds and soggy bits of potato skin. No wonder the Daleks are always so cross if their commanders are like this all the time.
The travellers come upon the Dalek ship, and in a stroke of luck (or plot convenience), there is only one Dalek on guard. The Doctor pretends to give himself up, as Steven and Kingdom sneak up behind the Dalek and slap mud on its eye-stalk. With the Dalek blinded, they steal the ship and fly off just as their pursuers realise what’s happened.
Wait.
I am getting the weirdest sense of deja vu.
Is Kingdom going to end up flying out of an airlock next?
Not yet knowing about this escape, the Daleks bring Mavic Chen in for a scolding. He tries to give them the spin Karlton came up with, but they aren’t having any of it. I have to give the man credit for having the guts to give a Dalek backtalk, as he points out that it wouldn’t be a problem if they hadn’t lost them in the first place. Then he even gets to gloat as the Daleks learn that the fugitives escaped yet again. This time the Daleks have nobody to blame but themselves.
En route back to Earth, the Doctor starts making a copy of the Taranium core to fool the Daleks. However, moments later the group hear a strange noise and find that their ship is changing course.
No, I haven’t got my notes mixed up from the last article. We’re just recycling plot points now.
Rather than landing on a prison planet, Steven averts a pointless plot diversion by ripping out the navigational component that’s controlling the ship. The Daleks won’t be stopped that easily, and use a magnet beam to start dragging them back.
Why didn’t you use that in the first place?
The Doctor completes his copy of the Taranium core, but without a charge it won’t fool the Daleks. However, Steven has the bright idea to plug it in to the ‘gravity force’ from the ship’s power centre. I have absolutely no idea what he is on about. I suppose it’s some science-fictiony power source. However, they don’t use this ‘gravity force’ any more, instead using ‘reliance power’. The others tell Steven he absolutely should not do anything of the sort, so naturally he goes ahead and deep fries himself.
Don’t worry, he’s not dead, but he’s stuck inside a force field. At least his idea did actually work, and the fake Taranium core is good to go.
The ship lands, and the three exit, Steven carrying the fake Taranium core. The Doctor insists that they do the handover outside the TARDIS. The Daleks, unwilling to risk losing the Taranium, agree. Seeing Chen with the Daleks, Kingdom calls him a traitor. Gee, it didn’t take long to break down a lifetime of brainwashing.
The Doctor and Kingdom head into the TARDIS, and Steven hands the Taranium core over. Because they’re rude, the Daleks immediately fire upon him.
Don’t worry, he’s still not dead.
Force field related accidents can have silver linings. The Dalek blasts have now destroyed the shield, but Steven is interested in investigating further. After all, it could be handy to have a Dalek-proof shield. The Doctor scolds him like a cross teacher for his folly.
The TARDIS lands somewhere else, but where? The scanner is broken, and according to the Doctor’s instruments the outside atmosphere is toxic.
Looks like we aren’t out of trouble yet.
THE FEAST OF STEVEN
Just so you know, we’re back with Nation again.
The gang land outside a police station on Earth, drawing the attention of the local bobbies, who are wondering where this box came from and who this funny little bloke is who just stepped out of it. The ‘toxic atmosphere’ is just modern air pollution, which is fairly accurate, if a little overdramatic.
Oh, and it’s Christmas. You can tell because the coppers on patrol are absolutely murdering Good King Wenceslas.
Steven steals a police uniform to rescue the Doctor from the coppers. Mildly comedic antics ensue as the police try to ascertain who the Doctor is and where he came from.
They manage to get away without too much hassle. In the meantime Kingdom repairs the scanner, narrowly avoiding an arrest on grounds of ‘loitering’ when a policeman catches her climbing all over the phone box. Piling into the TARDIS, they’re soon off again. When they next land they see a horrific sight outside: a dastardly villain is about to saw a woman in half!
That’s how it appears, anyway. They rush out to save her, only for it to become apparent that this is all just a big misunderstanding. They’re on a movie set! The three get separated in the ensuing uproar, with Steven being mistaken for a Keystone Kop, Kingdom hiding in a trunk, and the Doctor being mistaken for an expert on Arabian customs.
It’s a busy studio, that’s for sure.
Oh, and there’s a wild Charlie Chaplin wandering about the place.
The three do manage to find each other again, poor Steven and Sara being very confused about the whole affair, and the Doctor proclaiming “It’s a madhouse! It’s all full of Arabs.”
Honestly I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m baffled. It’s an oddly racist thing to come out of the Doctor’s mouth, apropos of nothing in particular.
After meeting Bing Crosby (don’t ask), the gang leave again, leaving everybody on set very impressed with the clever special effect. Safely on their way, the Doctor treats Steven and Sara to a little Christmas tipple.
…And then he turns to the camera and wishes a happy Christmas to everyone at home.
That was very weird and I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen. If you like, you can pretend this whole episode didn’t happen and lose nothing of value. It’s more entertaining than Monopoly, at least, but that’s not exactly high praise.
VOLCANO
Nation’s out, Spooner’s in. It’s getting hard to keep up with all this switching.
So, there’s Daleks in this serial. Remember them? Daleks don’t do Christmas, so they went right ahead and fitted the fake Taranium core into their Time Destructor. Chen’s in a smug mood. He's always in a smug mood, but right now he's extra smug.
The Daleks need a test subject for their device. To my disappointment they don’t pick Chen, but one of the other delegates, who actually volunteered for some reason.
Meanwhile, the Doctor realises that someone's following the TARDIS.
It doesn’t take the Daleks long to work out that the Time Destructor doesn’t work, and that the Doctor tricked them. Chen’s smugness melts away when the Daleks turn on him, but in a surprising display of patience they give him one last chance to lead a team of Daleks and pursue the Doctor by time machine– wait, haven’t I already seen this serial?
And now for some cricket. The commentators react to the sudden appearance of a police box on the field with little more than mild curiosity, even though it is the only interesting thing to have happened in a game of cricket since the invention of the sport.
Still, it is quite funny.
The TARDIS departs, and its next destination is an active volcano. Not to nitpick (as if I ever do anything else) but the air out there's probably a tad worse than a spot of smog. It’s a cool setting though and we’re not here for an impromptu vulcanology lecture, so I’ll let it slide.
Their pursuer shows up at last, and it’s not the Daleks, as you might suspect. No, it’s the Monk!
Nice to see him again, even though he’s up to no good as usual. He and the Doctor exchange pleasantries, and the Doctor doesn’t seem very surprised to see the Monk again. It’s all quite affable until the Monk says he locked the Doctor out of his TARDIS when nobody was looking. They laugh at first, then realise that the Monk was being serious. He’s still a bit touchy over the Doctor stranding him in 1066.
Still, it only takes about a minute for the Doctor to get back into the TARDIS. He uses that big ring he wears to do something vaguely sciency sounding that I’m quite sure is pure gibberish cooked up for plot convenience. Or maybe he just hit the door really hard and didn’t want to admit to using brute force.
With the Monk quite put out that the Doctor got away so easily, the gang departs. I think we’ll be seeing him again before very long.
Next stop: London, New Year’s Day, 1966. Time to raise a glass and mumble the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne (because who actually knows all the words?). With the Daleks tracking them, it might be the last new year any of our travellers see…
Final Thoughts
Well, large sections of that were a bit pointless, weren’t they? The serial continues to plod onwards, recycling plot points from earlier in the very same story. It now begins to feel like a retread of The Chase. I didn’t much care for The Chase, so my opinion on this serial continues to sour.
I find it very strange that everyone seemed to forget that Kingdom killed her own brother in cold blood. One moment Steven’s scolding Kingdom in the swamp, and the next they’re sharing a brandy after a little jaunt around Hollywood without a care in the world. The pacing and sense of urgency is all over the place. It’s becoming plainer with every episode that this story is terribly bloated and does not have enough ideas to fill its runtime.
I’m not even going to address the asides made directly to the audience.
Hopefully I’ll have a bit more nice to say next time, when I’ll have the benefit of looking at the big picture and seeing how it all fits together. Realistically speaking however, I think that might be too much to ask for.
